Chapter 3: The Trial of Perin the Idiotic Clerk and Persistant Swain #1
Anonymous person that I'm writing in just for the heck of it: What did Perin ever do to you? He's barely even mentioned in the books.
Anonymous person that I'm writing in just for the heck of it 2: Yeah, leave him alone.
Anonymous...Oh, what the heck. This is getting tiring. I'll just make it an acronym. So, APTIWIJFTHOI3: Yeah!
Writer: Wait just a minute. I write out all your names and then, when I finally make it an acronym, all you have to say is "yeah?" If you're gonna do stupid things like that, I'll just turn you into an anonymous crowd!
APTIWIJFTHOI3: Ummm... hello. You are the writer, correct?
Writer: Duh!
APTIWIJFTHOI3: Well, then you're the one who decides what she's gonna put after the colons, right?
Writer: Uh, ya! I have, like, supreme authority over you, so talk to the hand because I ain't listenin'.
APTIWIJFTHOI3: Whatever. Be an idiot. It's not my problem if you are one.
Writer: Okay, you're being just a little too smarty-mouthiesh and back-talkiesh, so I am poofing you.
APTIWIJFTHOI3: Fine, see if I care.
Writer: Fine, then I will. Poof. The mean APTIWIJFTHOI3 gets tossed out a third story window, lands on a barge full of garbage and ends up on a desert island in Antarctica.
APTIWIJFTHOI3: Hi. Okay, first of all, I think you mean a deserted island. Second of all, there are no islands IN Antarctica. And third of all, I can still talk, ya know.
Writer: Okay, first of all, I meant a desert island, not deserted. Second of all, there are islands in Antarctica if I say there are. And third of all, Poof! The APTIWIJFTHOI3, who is REALLY ugly and now has HORRIBLE acne, disappears (FOREVER!!!)!
APTIWIJFTHOI2: Hi. Are you writing a fanfic or are you just babbling here because I came to be a part of a story, not to help some lonely freak talk to herself.
Writer: I am not a freak! I'm just different. Anyway, let's poof in everyone. Everyone poofs in and Perin gets to be onstage in chains... Lots and lots of heavy chains. With those ball things on the end. And he's stooped over because it all weighs too much! Yahahaha!!!
Daine: Uh... Why is Perin here?
Writer: Because! He is on trial!!!
Daine: Yeah, I kinda got that already. I mean, what did he do?
Writer: What did he do? What did he do?! (looks at audience) She wants to know what he did! This poor girl... So innocent that she doesn't even know what he did! Ladies and gentlemen, if that isn't proof that he's guilty, then what is?
Numair: (cough) Guilty! (cough)
Onua: Shut up, Numair! Your excellence, it would be helpful if you specified which crime this poor boy has committed.
Writer: This "poor boy", Mistress Onua, has committed the crime of all crimes. The worst crime imaginable! He has committed a crime against humanity, a crime against the gods, and... A crime against LOVE!!!
Numair: Kill him!!!
Daine: (glares at Numair) Shut up!
Onua: You really can't be more specific than that?
Writer: I just said "a crime against LOVE!!!"
Onua: Yes, but that's not very specific.
Writer: Not specific? Not specific?!
Daine: Okay, before you start to rant again, just take a deep breath and calm down.
Perin: I'd kinda like to know what I did, too.
Writer: Oh, you know what you did.
Numair: (cough) Guilty! (cough)
Daine and Onua: Numair, SHUT UP!!!
Numair: Well, he is!
Writer: Numair's right. Let's vote right now. Raise your hand if you think Perin is guilty.
Writer raises her hand and Numair raises his.
Writer: Okay, we have voted in favor of Guilty! Now, take him away.
Daine: No!
Onua: It's two against two! You can't take him anywhere!
Writer: (whispers to Numair) Numair, raise your other hand... No, I mean both hands, stupid! (to Onua) See! It's three to two. Majority rules. Sorry!
Perin: That's not fair! Why can't I have a proper trial where you tell the jury my crime and I make my statement... Etcetera, etcetera!
Writer: Because I'm your mother and I said so! Hehehe! Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that. Fine, I guess we can have a real trial, party pooper!
Perin: Thank the gods!
Writer: Okay. We are gathered here today... Oops! Wrong event. Umm... To contine, Perin has been accused of persisting in flirting with Veralidaine Sarasri (or Weirynsra), even though in a couple of months, she and Numair will recognize their undying love for one another! Perin, how do you plead?
Onua: Wait just a minute! That's not a crime!
Writer: It is too a crime!
Onua: No it isn't. Besides, Numair and Daine won't "recognize their undying love" for each other. Numair's way too old for her and he's attracted to blondes who are... women. That means they aren't fifteen and have unusually large breasts!
Numair: Hey!
Daine: Hey!
Perin: Hey!
Daine: Hey, why did you say hey?
Perin: Because I think you're the most beautiful grown-up woman in the whole Tortallan universe!
Daine: Aw! (she kisses him) I luvey wuvey you, my perfet Pear-in!
Writer: Oh, come on! How can you like him? He's a pear... but Numair's a stud!
Numair: Ha ha! You're a pear and I'm a stud! So, pfft!!!
Onua: Shut up!
Numair: Hey, how come everyone always tells me to shut up? That's not very nice you know, Onua!
Onua: Shut up.
Numair: Writer, she's being mean to me!
Writer: Don't worry Numy Wumy Poo. I'll poof her if you want me to.
Numair: No, don't poof her... You should do to her what you did to the APTIWIJFTHOI3. Boy, that's hard to type!
Writer: How would you know? You're not the one who has to write it.
Daine: Listen, Writer. How can you convict someone for a crime that they haven't committed yet?
Writer: Hmmm... I don't know. Oh, wait. Maybe like in that movie where the guy invents a machine that lets the cops see into the future and they start arresting people who haven't actually committed the crimes they were planning yet? I wanted to see that movie...
Daine: Yeah, well, I saw it. Do you know what happens in the end?
Writer: No. What?
Daine: (thinking) Ummm... The guys that arrest the people get killed by a steamroller!
Writer: (gasp) No. Way! That's exactly what I thought would happen! (sharp intake of breath) Are you psychic?
Daine: Sure, whatever.
Perin: Um, these chains are getting kinda heavy. Can we reach a verdict already?
Writer: Okay. Every one from the Tortall books, poof in! Poof! Everyone poofs in. Okay, now raise your hand if you think Perin is guilty. Numair and all the evil... Nope, just Numair! Numair raises his hand.
Numair: Hey, how come the evil people aren't saying Perin is guilty?
Ozorne: His crime was nothing compared to mine!
Ralon: Yeah, hehehe! Beat Alan, must beat Alan!
Ylon and Ylanda: His evil is not worthy of guiltinessssss!
Writer: Everyone who is crazy and wants Perin to walk free, raise your hands. Everyone else raises their hands. Well, it looks like we have our first Not Guilty ladies and gentlemen. Congratulations, Perin of... Whatever. You've just won this brand new convertible!
Perin: (crying tears of joy) Thank you! Thank you!
Writer: And now, the closing credits. Thanks to the Tortallan Court for use of their stage. Thanks to the I Hate Perin club for providing us with a defendant and last, but not least, thanks to the readers of this trash that some people call random and others, stupid! Aloha and good night Pennsylvania!
