A/N: Sorry there isn't any actual sex. *shrugs* I just can't write it.  Sorry dudes.

Thank you to the lovely Helgz who wrote the NC-17 version of this chapter.  I'll tell you where it's posted when I manage to update the next chapter.

I've decided to change the rating of this fic to R because of the mentions of rape and torture and stuff.

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Chapter forty-four:  I Want You…

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O.C. (regarding Alec): He's from Manticore, huh? Say what you want- they sure know how to make 'em pretty.

-O.C. (Two)

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'I bet you're hard to get over

I bet the room just won't shine

I bet my hands I can stay here

I bet you need- more than you mind'

-Matchbox Twenty (If You're Gone)

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Erin ran.  Ignoring the curious looks from people as she sped by, ignoring the shouts from Sketchy and Dalton.  Erin was too lost in her memories.   She had spent 8 years pushing them away, trying not to think about it every waking moment; from the time she opened her eyes in the morning to the time she went to sleep at night.  Up until coming to this world, Erin had almost succeeded.  She thought about it everyday but not constantly.  Now, her memories were pushing their way back into her thoughts.  They turned her into a quivering wreck, a pathetic girl with a messed up head. What was worse was that Alec and the others had seen their effects on her.

Erin had to pull herself together.  She had to push her feelings away and ignore the screams in her head.  All she could do was go sit someplace and try to think of something, anything else than her family dying in front of her.

Alec watched Erin run and fought all of his instincts, transgenic and human that said to go after her.  Instead, he turned to Max who was still yelling at Syl and Cindy.  Both women seemed unaffected by Max's temper.

"Max" Alec turned to his friend and surprisingly, Max stopped mid yell to look at him.  Maybe it was the sound of his voice or the look on his face that made her approach him but Max was by his side in an instant.

"What's up? Is Erin okay? Why aren't you with her?" Alec smiled slightly at Max's concern for the younger girl.  It was obvious Max liked her, maybe even thought of her as part of their wacky family.

"I'm gonna go check on her in a minute.  It's just, I have an idea that might cheer her up and benefit the kids around here."

Max immediately smiled "Tell me."

Erin was sat on the couch when Alec found her.  She had her head in her hands and her shoulders were hunched.

Moving silently, Alec sat down next to her but made no move to touch her.

When she lifted her head to look at him, she looked like she'd aged.  It was her eyes that did it.  They always looked like they'd seen more than they should have but now, they simply looked tired.

"Sorry" she mouthed, turning away again to look into the flames of the ever burning fire they had on this level.  "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"You couldn't help it" Alec replied matter-of-factly "PTSD can appear at any time- I've seen it in soldiers."

Erin had stiffened at the mention of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Alec saw her jaw clamp shut.

She closed her eyes for a second before opening them again, they looked hard now.  "I've suffered from it since it happened.  Pretty much got the symptoms under control until I came here."

"What triggers it- the flashbacks?" Alec asked quietly, never taking his eyes from her.

Erin shrugged.  "Used to be practically anything.  I couldn't even go to sleep in a room alone and without the light on at one stage.  Now, it's just being alone in small enclosed spaces, being in pitch black, certain words bring it back too.  Had flashbacks the day those guys beat be me up.  One of them said something to trigger them while they were kicking the crap outta me- something one of them had said before.  I sometimes have nightmares too" Erin hugged herself as she continued to watch the fire.  "Sometimes I lash out, like I did with Logan."

She winced and Alec knew that she hated the fact that she did these things and couldn't control them.

A bitter smile crossed her face "Shrinks have tried everything.  Managed to stop me sleeping with the light on. And as you can tell, I can sleep alone now too.  In the end, I got sick of them trying to figure me out so I told them what they wanted to hear… You'd think that after nearly 9 years, I would've got over it by now."

"9 years? So you were 10?" Alec glared at the fire now, his fists clenched at his sides.  She was a kid when it happened, just a kid.  Not a genetically modified kid like he'd been.  Not someone with a higher pain barrier and abilities to block out the pain.

"You can cry, you know.  No one will hold it against you." He forced himself to cool down.  He needed to keep his feeling under control.  Erin was the only thing that mattered right then. 

"I haven't cried in eight years.  I'm not gonna start now." Erin didn't turn away from the fire.  She didn't want to look at Alec.

Slowly, Alec reached out and took her hand.  She still didn't turn, despite knowing that the last time they'd touched like this was when he was kissing her.

"I know that there's nothing I can say that'll make it better" he spoke quietly, pulling her closer so he could put his arm around her shoulders.

Erin snuggled closer, finding comfort in his warmth.  His mere presence was enough to drive some of the thoughts away but not the overall feeling of despair.

"You don't have to say anything" Erin moved her head to look up at him and paused.

The look in his eyes then.  The same look he always gave her before and after they kissed.  He promised so much in that look.  It didn't matter that Erin wasn't a transgenic; she could still clearly understand it.  It said she was his.

Alec blinked and the look disappeared, but right then, Erin didn't want it to disappear.  She wanted to feel him close.  She wanted to feel anything other than what she was feeling now. Erin stared at Alec and suddenly didn't want to be alone anymore.  Just for tonight, she wanted to feel normal, like she was wanted in this world.

If that spark she always felt when he looked at her was the only way to feel warm again, she was going to take it.

Swallowing, Alec turned his head away but Erin stopped him.  She touched his cheek with her fingers; gently as if scared he'd disappear.  Alec still hadn't moved his arm so when he turned to look at her again, their faces were centimetres apart.

Erin took the chance and kissed him.  Alec immediately kissed her back hungrily, pulling her closer.  However, this time, he was the one to pull away, the look in his eyes clear as day now.  He wanted her.

Alec shook his head and stood up.  Erin immediately felt colder and the despair and loneliness closed in, suffocating her.  Erin stood up and approached him with a questioning look.

"I can't do this" he gave her that same look and Erin stepped closer.  "I'd be taking advantage of you.  It's not right.  You don't want to do this."  He swallowed again.

"You're not taking advantage of me" Erin took yet another step closer and Alec backed away as she reached out to him.

Erin wasn't deterred.  Alec seemed to be losing a mental battle with his instincts as he let her approach him again.

He lost the battle when she reached out and slowly placed a finger on his lips.  However, instead of the usual uncontrollable, intense frantic kisses they usually shared, Alec pulled her to him slowly and kissed her gently.  It was enough to shock her that was for sure.

"I want you" he whispered in her ear as he slowly worked down her neck with his mouth.  He felt her shiver against him.

"Then take me" Erin kissed him hard then and allowed herself to be led to his room.

(Insert sex scene here)

Alec stirred some time later and flung his arm out, in search of Erin's warm body.  When he found the mattress cold, Alec's eyes shot open and he sat bolt upright in bed.  He looked around him quickly.  No Erin.

He scrambled out of bed to pull on some jeans and boots before leaving his room, not caring that he was shirtless.  The sight that greeted him stopped him dead in his tracks.  He felt like he'd been sucker punched.

Erin was on the couch, fully dressed and asleep.

'She'd rather sleep on the couch than stay in my bed' Alec moved silently towards her and Erin didn't stir. 'She'd rather sleep out here than with me.'

Sighing, Alec crouched down beside her and gently covered her up with the thin blanket before gently brushing a piece of hair from her face.

"It hurts doesn't it? Loving someone who doesn't love you back?" Zack's voice startled him.  Alec spun around to see him stood leaning against a pillar, his eyes on the sleeping Erin.  Alec had been so lost in thought he hadn't heard Zack approach.

Alec straightened and moved away from Erin so he wouldn't wake her.  He shrugged "I'm used to it."

"Are you?" Zack watched him for a minute and Alec tried not to squirm under his gaze.  "It doesn't matter how many times you've felt it, how many times you've tried to move on.  It still hurts like hell."

"Max loves you" Alec shrugged "Don't know what you're complaining about."

"Does she?" Zack shrugged as Alec approached him and sat on the wall that surrounded the large hole and protected people from the 6 floor drop.

"She does" Alec rubbed his eyes as he looked back at Erin.  "She's just confused right now.  She always thought of you as a brother back at Manticore.  Now, she's realising you're not.  Simple as that."

Zack smiled slightly "I know."

Alec said nothing, just nodded, his eyes still on Erin.

"She's just confused too" Zack followed his gaze to Erin.  "Ewok is extremely defensive."

Alec chuckled at Zack's nickname for Erin.  "I know she's defensive.  I just don't know why.  Maybe it's got something to do with what happened to her." Alec replied tiredly.  "I thought we were getting passed that tonight but it's like I'm just back at square one with her again."

"Like I said.  She's defensive.  She's scared."

"Of what? Me?! I haven't done anything to hurt her and she knows I never would!" Alec forced himself to keep his voice low.

"Maybe she's scared of being in a relationship.  Who knows? Maybe she's scared of letting anyone that close.  For some reason, I don't think she's ever been in a serious relationship before." Zack sounded as confused as Alec felt.  He turned to look the other X5 square in the eyes "I do know that you shouldn't give up on her."

Alec shook his head "I don't know.  I don't want to push her into anything.  I don't want to scare her off."

"Maybe she needs pushing? The way I see it, you and me are in the same boat.  Both Max and Erin are defensive, scared of something.  I'm going for the slow way with Max.  I'm giving Max the choice of being with me or just staying friends.  With Erin, I think you need to be straight out with her.  It seems like you've already stepped over the line of being friends.  Erin would rather keep her problems to herself.  You need to corner her, make her mad- I don't know.  But you HAVE to find out what's wrong.  Otherwise, you can't get passed it." Zack turned to walk away and Alec stared at him.

"Dude, have you been watching those 'Oprah' reruns or something?"

Zack simply smirked and continued down the ramp to the level below them where Max's family had taken to sleeping.

Alec turned back to Erin sleeping on the couch.  Tomorrow, he decided, he would find out what was wrong.

Next Chapter: Afraid To Love…

"I'm sorry, okay?" Erin turned away from him "I shouldn't have let it go any further."

"I won't give up on us" Alec pulled her around to face him "I won't give up on you.  You can't run away from this."

A/N: *cries* My 'puter is EVIL I tell you! EVIL!! Right now, I'm using Marty's computer to post this 'cause my internet connection appears to be fried. *sniffles* I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms! *sighs* Well, I haven't been lazy *smirks* much.  I've been writing the next chapters.

Marty: Dude, do you KNOW what self-restraint is? ^^ Didn't think so.  Anyway, yep, she's mated.  Don't know why she's so annoyed though.  It's ALEC!!!

KET: Yep, she was.

Messymissy: I think I'm gonna get Zack to continue making Max squirm.  He's giving her a choice and it's up to Max to say yes or no.  I don't know yet if they're gonna get revenge on Cindy and Syl.  Haven't decided.

I'm about half way through my book at the moment.  I keep stopping to make it last as long as possible :P

Elin: Argh! The address didn't come put in the last chapter damn it! Okay, it's at http:// www.geocities.com/ freaky_person2/

Lauren- the original chipmunk: Thanks dude :P More bashing will occur later on in the sequel.

MaxCat452: Yeah, I thought Max's reaction was kinda funny.  Now I've started to write about it, hopefully it'll be easier to write about in later chapters.

MM: Thanks dude.  Yeah, Erin doesn't realise that he can help her through her problems yet.  She's extremely defensive.

Cat X5-989: Okay, um, yes, not yet, and no.

Peridot: Yeah, that's what I was trying to suggest.  Don't worry though, I won't actually write about it happening, just the other stuff.

Dominique: Okay, sorry it took so long.  Technically it does have two chapters with the NC-17 version an all :P

Lyrica: I'm not sure how many chapters there's gonna be yet.  I think it'll be just over 50.  Thanks for putting me on your Fav list J and she'll talk… soon? Hehe I'm being evil again aren't I?

Pzionivy: You read it in one sitting?! Hey! What's wrong with the padded rooms? I've spent quite some time in one of those *grins* real cosy.  Definitely preferable to your head imploding cus that'd just be messy :P

Professional scatterbrain:  Sorry! My 'puter hates me! *cries* Okay, this chapter is a little soppy for my tastes but there'll be violence and some White in the next chapter.  Nope, Erin doesn't know that she has any abilities so I think she'll be as freaked as everyone else though she might not show it at the start.  The only ones that were tortured were Erin and Jake- in the sequel, it'll be revealed why it was only Erin and Jake that were taken, it'll also be revealed how Erin got into the DA world (well, what she was doing when it happened).  Skye and Dylan will be mentioned in other chapters but they won't be coming to the DA world.  I cant tell you who he new character is gonna because that could give it all away! :P Sorry dude.