Chapter 16: Know yourself.
Connor has discovered files wearing his name. He is about to read them.
Angel was running through the interminable corridors. His pager had gone on, advertising him of his pass being in use. Who would be using his pass which was supposed to be lying in his desk's drawer? Connor's absence from where he was sleeping some hours earlier was his first hint. He called security to know in which room the pass had been in use, the archive. Well, this room full of files had been a gold mine when they first got in the firm, he remembered going over most of the papers of those countless cabinets to evaluate W&H's reach and knowledge first thing after putting their feet in the building. So much at once was overwhelming but they managed. Therefore he knew that W&H had some files concerning Connor, normally they had been placed in an underground room, safe from the spell which erased every trace of Connor's existence but had been brought back into the archive when the investigation on the death of those mysterious children had begun and had been proven connected to Connor. There was no reason to hide them from the crew anymore and they were the only ones to have the cards Angel had imposed to penetrate the room. Well, they were the only ones, not anymore; of course the robot that was guarding the room was hardly there to play security and had for only command not to let anyone without a card enter the room.
He entered the room and searched every side with his eyes. He spotted Spike being stupid in front of the cabinets and Connor a little hidden behind him kneeing on the floor watching pictures. He rushed into the room but was stopped and thrown back when an arm came in contact with his chest. The woman robot watched him casually.
"Do you have a pass?"
Connor, who was about to open the file, looked at Angel and quickly squeezed the file against his chest.
"I'm the CEO!" he looked at her; he sighed and advanced as he could with her in his way "Connor, come here. What are you doing?"
Connor stepped back as Angel was stepping toward him. Angel approached really suddenly and grabbed the file.
"No!" Connor said throwing himself on the floor and curling up with the file squeezed on his belly like a foot ball "It's mine!"
Angel pulled on the file trying to uncurl his son while Spike was watching them both with amusement.
"You know Peaches, I think the toddler would like to know exactly what's going on. You should tell him before something bad happens. He might tap his foot or roll on the floor crying" Spike said taking support on the wall. Of course, support is not the best word since Spike wasn't all material, but since some times he could touch big objects and even carry little ones for some times. Nobody cared to realize his prowess.
"Spike! Mind your own business!" Angel threw still shaking Connor to make him loose his grip. When finally the file came loose Angel stepped back and watched Connor still lying on the floor. Red with rage. He got up and brushed the dust off his clothes. He took his composure back which brought Angel to believe he had had the final word, but that wasn't quite true. Connor jumped on Angel and threw them both back on the floor.
Spike rolled his eyes: "This is starting to be ridiculous" at this moment, the security entered the office, alerted by the woman robot of an intrusion. When they recognized Angel as the CEO they deducted that the intruder was the kid on their boss who was trying desperately to take a file from under his coat or to suffocate him they weren't sure. The three men gripped their clubs and while one of them grabbed the child by his shoulders the other two hit him in the stomach sending him into darkness. He fell lump on Angel.
"See I told you something bad would happen" Spike whistled "Nobody ever listens to me, you can be always right but that won't make people listen to you. Then you can be a demon who is always right…"
" Shut the fuck up!" came Angel's muffled voice.
Angel got up Connor curled up in his arms. Spike approached not without a disapproving glare to the security guards. He bent toward Connor.
"Ouch" he whispered. Connor eyes opened slowly, the boy was a little dazed. He moaned a little taken by vertigos when he realized Angel and Spike's eyes were fixed on him at a short distance he blushed and tapped Angel's shoulder saying: "Put me down!".
Angel put him back on the ground like a fragile statue of glass. He kept the boy steady a second and then took a step back to observe him. Connor was embarrassed and had a shadow covering his face. Angel sighed, the moment had come to deal with everything he had let on suspend for so many times, there's no making a present without dealing with your past, he had learned it on so many occasions and yet it was the kind of lessons that never hit home. He watched Connor right in the eyes feeling all the resentfulness and pressure he bore on his tired features. He grabbed the boy by the elbow and led him out of the room. They walked through the corridors, Connor was reluctant, he was doubting of Angel's intentions. Connor thought he had gone too far, maybe Angel was starting to get bored of him, he would punish him perhaps or just lock him up in his apartment. Perhaps they had other people to protect, other cases like him and they didn't need him bringing anymore complications. But if only Connor could understand exactly what they were protecting him from and why?
Angel pushed him in his office closing the door on Spike. Spike growled a little to the lack of tact but accepted the fact that Angel needed privacy to speak with his son, well if Angel was going to do so. Spike wasn't such a bad man after all; he respected family, somehow even though it was in a very paradoxical way.
Angel brought Connor and sat him in his chair, he stayed posted in front of it arms crossed over his chest. Connor was watching him with wide watery eyes slightly rotating the chair from left to right. Connor jumped a little on the chair when Angel made a broad gesture to take the file from under his coat. He held it to Connor who hesitated before taking it.
"I… I can read it?" he said shyly. Angel nodded, not moving from his post. He watched Connor read the file not taking his eyes off of the boy even for one second. The file wasn't really thick, it was a summery of Connor's story, well W&H didn't have much after all on the boy since they didn't have the opportunity to make the tests and researches they had planned, with Connor disappearing and then the beast killing every single person in the office. But they had pictures and transcripts of some conversations in the hotel from back then. He would read a little about Angel and Darla, thankfully nothing about them being vampires. The only thing written about Darla was that her soulless self had been contaminated by the spawn's soul, they suspected the soul to be Angel's fee. Connor wouldn't understand all this maybe he'll have to show him the other reports, all the reports, it was way easier that way than tell his boy himself. He thought his voice would keep shaking and his eyes would keep drifting away.
It took Connor two hours to read the file, many pages, he had read everything; his birth in an alley, the hard times Angel had had in the beginning, the many demons trying to kidnap the baby boy and Angel blowing them all up, his first time at the hospital, many many other little anecdotes… he was feeling moved by that man raising his child alone, awkwardly with his friends' help, he reminded him of his dad, the one Connor had memories of even if those memories were messed up and unclear right now. Then the story accelerated, W&H meddling with the prophecies, passing a pact with a demon, the betrayal of a friend… it was a real best seller. Then here he was, on the picture back from that dimension living in the streets and the text explaining why. When he read about the little 'incident' he couldn't have stopped but threw a little glance to Angel. Had he really taken out such a big guy? And throw him in the ocean? It seemed hardly believable to him but who knew maybe he did really love this Holtz and was certainly really pissed. Some souvenirs flashed back in his mind, not from this boy he was reading about but from the one at the end of the file, the one with a brand new life. He remembered that when he would be pissed at his dad he would lock himself in his room and turn the music on very loudly then his dad would knock on the door so hard that the walls would shake till he would turn the devil's music down, already that seemed to him a little extreme so from that to throwing his dad into the ocean… and how the heck did the guy survive? Two months under the sea? Connor watched him suspiciously. He really doubted all this was true, who was this guy kidding?
Connor closed the file and kept it in his lap. He was looking at it and with a sigh finally lifted his eyes up into Angel's. Angel was really serious, he had to keep his face closed and cold to avoid any kind of outbursts, he remembered this was the only way to keep Connor under control. But the Connor he had under his eyes wasn't quite like the one he had spent so little time with and this boy started laughing really openly when he saw Angel's strict face. Suddenly Angel had lost his made up composure and was even a little vexed by Connor's gesturing with his hand that he was sorry and he would stop soon.
"I'm sorry but this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read!" he said still chuckling "I'm starting to really wonder if you didn't make a mistake and mistook me for someone else"
Angel approached and put his hand on Connor's shoulder, he was dead serious, literally. The teenager suddenly stopped laughing.
"Connor, if I didn't tell you earlier it was because when I gave you your powers back I was told that your memory would quickly follow. It obviously didn't or you didn't let it enough time to do so but anyway a part of me was really glad that it didn't and was hoping that it would never. Of course it was for my well being and not yours because not one minute did I expect you to be able to live peacefully not knowing anything, I was selfish and I'm sorry but all you read is true and I must add that there is a lot more to it than just this. You must wonder who I am and how being related to me makes you so special."
Connor was frowning with curiosity. He was indeed very curious about that man who was his father, strangely the status of father had lost of its singularity. The man had turned his back and was talking toward the wall, his words bouncing back in Connor's direction with added mystery.
"I was born in the years of 1700 in Ireland. Then when I was 27 I met a woman, beautiful, her name was Darla and she was immortal" he started then turned back toward Connor. The boy had a big smile plastered on his face.
"Ok, is this the 'only on of us will survive' kind of thing?"
"Absolutely not. Don't interrupt me, it's hard enough" Angel told him watching his son shut his mouth tightly "She promised me an immortal life like hers and she bit me. When I woke up everything was different. I… was different" he said watching his hands forming into a fist. Connor approached him sitting on the end of his seat.
"How different?" he asked full of interest. Angel bent toward him kneeing on the floor, Connor moved back in the back of his chair a little startled. Angel extended his arms and gently put them around Connor's shoulder pulling the kid against his chest, his head resting on his shoulder. He squeezed his son for a second.
"Much different" he said pulling back. Connor jerked out of Angel's reach. This face he had seen that first night in W&H, that monstrous face which appeared in the darkness of the room just before Angel switched on the light. So it hadn't been a dream or maybe at that time but now it was as real as the leather pressed in the tight grip he had of the chair. Angel stepped back and turned his face back to what he liked to think was 'normal'. Connor was watching him with amazed eyes, he was more shocked than terrified but it was still heavy on Angel's heart to be watched like that. Connor covered his mouth with his hand.
"What…what?" he mumbled.
"I'm a vampire and so was Darla, see vampires can't have children. You're the first as far as the world goes ever made. That's why you're special, a human child born of two vampires. That's why the file is so light, nobody really knows what you're made of or why or how it is possible. I don't know anything about those questions so don't bother ask them." What Angel had feared was happening, he was unable to keep his eyes on his son. His hands were definitely shaking and he could swear he was sweating, which was impossible.
"So I tried to kill you because you're a vampire?" Angel nodded "and you survived in the ocean because you are a vampire?" Angel nodded again "and you erased my memory because I went berserk?" Angel nodded yet again. Connor caught his own chin between his finger pensively "Usually when I go ballistic my dad just take away my playstation and make me wash the car".
"I thought I did what you wanted, I didn't see any other ways." Angel didn't expect it to go so smoothly but there was something in Connor's voice and his way to call his fake father 'dad' that made Angel chill. A tone which indicated that Connor had lost the little trust and respect he had for that man who had saved his life and had taken care of his afraid self the night before.
"Well, my dad would never do what I want, he always says that what I want and what I need are two different things and it pisses me off but he's apparently right. He would never just erase me from his life, he would try to find a solution instead of just playing with my brain like I'm just a machine he owns. My dad is……"
"Not really your dad, we made him the way he is that's why he's so perfect!" Angel shot before realizing.
Connor jumped off the seat and rushed outside jostling Angel.
"You're a monster! Even if they were not real they deserved to live more than you!"
Angel sighed heavily "that's more like it" he said and took his phone "let the boy free to wander around but keep an eye on him and stop him if he was to try to get out of the building" he let himself fall into his seat. He knew he was to blame but despite the looks of it, this had been the most difficult thing he had to do. This last day had been great, his night with his son and the perspective of the others that would follow, he was deluded and he just shattered it all earlier than what he had planned, he was very tired.
Spike was following the bleu eyed boy since half an hour now. Why did he care? Well, he didn't exactly care but he was a champion after all. A champion, this word he couldn't think of himself as, it sounded way too tacky. Being a ghost his chances of fighting evil had been heavily reduced, so he would opt for counselling for now and well, it would piss off Angel a hell of a lot if his son liked his nemesis more than him. Spike chuckled and then he spotted Connor sat in a hidden corner and the child was crying. Aww look at that, he thought, what a good opportunity to be that big brother the kid would come to love so much that he'll ask Angel to do all in his power to make him material again. Spike approached Connor slowly and lowered himself his back against the wall so he was next to Connor.
"So, did it go well?" he asked sniffing.
Connor turned his face toward him a picture of vexation.
"So?" he persisted playing dumb, to distract the boy from his despair.
"My father's not my father and my real father is a vampire who's an ass to boot! I feel like I'm going crazy! How could everything fall apart so quickly and why! Why does it have to be me? Everything was so fine before! But I can't even remember how it felt! I feel like it's just gonna go worse and I'm gonna lose myself. What am I gonna do?" he threw in a high pitched tone. He suddenly calm down and place his head on his knees encircling them with his arms "I had a plan, you know, well my dad had a plan. I was supposed to study physics. I guess that's not so bad I hated physics, now I'm just gonna die, killed by zombies… I guess it's better than physics"
Spike was doodling his head listening with a distracted ear the boy's outburst. He remembered making such heart laid confessions to Buffy in his dazed or drunk moments, this human side was so pitiful. It was the part he hated the most in having a soul… this feeling of hopelessness.
"Well, look at the bright side" he said sternly.
"What bright side?" the boy retorted.
"I dunno, search it"
Spike was pushing his back against the wall, it was a really hard task to reunite all his strength to not pass through the damn thing. He could practically feel the hard surface onto his back with a little of imagination.
"I really don't see what good can come out of this. You know, I can understand why my former self went ballistic. This is totally fucked up! Even the most put together person in the whole world would take a taste at blowing things up living in such surroundings. And what if my memory comes back. What if the old I come back, will that mean that the actual me's gonna die? And does that mean that I'm gonna go crazy again?" he continued watching Spike straight in the eyes. Spike sighed his eyes screwed tightly.
"Those are good questions… So, aren't you hungry?"
Connor's head fell on his knees in defeat, "yeah" he murmured and got up following Spike closely. As they were passing the corridors the few guards posted there let them walk away with nothing more than a careful glare. Connor was feeling horribly tensed in this place, but weirdly he thought that since his 'dad' was the big boss here all those people should be kissing his ass, right? It was that way at his dad's company… Argh this three dads thing was not going to be easy, three dads and one mom… Kinda reminds you of a movie. Well one mom if you didn't count the one dead. Connor wondered how she looked like, he had seen Angel but not Darla, he had certainly taken into her looks coz he looked nothing like Angel.
They arrived at the common room where different types of vending machines were. Connor looked at Spike.
"I have no money"
"I have no material body"
Thankfully Harmony made her way into the room a couple of minutes after them, minutes during which they did nothing but stare in each others eyes lazily. She gave Connor a few bucks and tried to stick around a moment but she was overly annoying to Connor who didn't like exuberant people and to Spike who didn't like her. Connor took a sandwich and a can of soda. He was chewing the bread melancholically.
"You know, it's not that bad. So okay you lost your freedom, your family and your future in one day but look at what you won"
"And what would that be?" Connor asked his mouth full.
"A father incredibly rich who feels horribly sorry for having abandoned his son and who would do everything he can to make him forget about it and make him happy" Spike said raising his eyebrows mischievously.
"As far as I'm concerned this guy ain't my dad. He's too much of a stranger and he's too young and… too dead" Connor said biting in his sandwich.
"Doesn't mean you can't use his money and his kindness. And well, if it weren't for him you'd probably be dead by now and totally alone."
"Damn, which side are you on?" he said rolling his eyes and opening his soda.
"Yours of course yours, I hate the man too. Ahh…" he sighed "Everything would be so much better and easier if I was material again. I wouldn't be trapped here, I could go where I want, do what I want. Do you know that feeling being trapped?"
Connor looked at him sympathetically: "Can you become material again?"
"Well, I don't know. Maybe… But Angel won't do anything about it, it's not that he doesn't want to but he just doesn't care. Ah if someone could care" he said watching discretely Connor on the side.
