Disclaimer: I don't own anything from M*A*S*H*, no matter how much I would
love too, I don't so please don't sue me!
********
The next day, at exactly 1200 hours, Dr. Sidney Freedman comes to the 4077th M*A*S*H*
"Sidney, thanks for coming." Potter says to him, shaking the Majors hand.
"I hear that Captain Miller has shut himself off from the world."
"Not himself Sidney, HERSELF."
"HERSELF?!" Sidney says a bit shocked. "You mean Miller is a female surgeon?"
"Captain Kimberly Ann Miller, Surgeon." Potter says smiling, quickly adding in, "And a damn good one at that."
"How are the others taking to having a Female surgeon?"
"They seem pretty good about it. Hawkeye and BJ have taken her under her wing, and Frank, well let's just say he's slowly coming around to having a better surgeon than her."
"So what exactly happened to her Sherm?" He asks, following him into his office.
"She had a bad run in surgery the other night. She lost eight boys, and just couldn't handle it, is what I have actually put together."
"Eight boys, that isn't too drastic of a number."
"But for her it is. Before she came to the M*A*S*H* she only lost one patient in her 3 years as being a doctor, so obviously she feels that she should be able to save everyone. She handled her first loss horribly, that was a few weeks back, and then this batch happened all at once. Her first couple she handled very well, but by the fourth or fifth she was getting very stressed out, and at the end she was a basket case. The next morning, Pierce and Hunnicut said that she wasn't talking or leaving her tent, even when they went in to talk to her, she pretty much ignored them. Same when I went in to tell her she was off Post-Op Duty."
"Do you think she will mind me going over and checking up on her?"
"I don't think so. I'll show you to her tent." He tells him, walking out of his office to her tent. "This is it. Good luck Sidney."
He knocks on her door, and says, "Captain Miller? Do you mind if I come in?" There was no answer, so he walks through the door, he takes notice in the way she is lying, she is lying face up on her bed, with her hands laced around her head, staring at the ceiling. "Captain Miller?" he asks again, noticing her eyes slowly look him over, before returning to the ceiling. "I'm Major Sidney Freedman, Dr. Sidney Freedman. I am here to talk to you, if you don't mind." He says, pulling up a chair to her bed. "I hear that you had a pretty rough OR duty the other night, that you lost a number of patients." He says, looking straight at her. "I also know that you have only lost one patient before coming to Korea." Sidney continues, "I want you to also know, that I am here to help you Kimberly. We all lose faith and hope some days. Pierce has, Hunnicut, Burns, Potter, The Nurses, and even me. These boys need you as their surgeon. You shouldn't let one bad day put you into this depression. What I need to do is try and figure out how to get you to understand it." He says, sitting back with his notepad and pencil in hand, awaiting any response from her. After a few minutes
"You don't think I understand this?" She says in a cold manor. "How could you possibly say that, you are in Tokyo for most of the time aren't you? The only time you step foot on the compound is when some poor person needs psychological help. Let me tell you this though, I am not crazy."
"No one said you were Kimberly."
"So why did they send for you? You're a shrink right?"
"I'm a psychologist, yes."
"Who sent for you?" She asks.
"That doesn't matter. All that matters is that I am here to help you."
"You can't help me Major."
"I would like to try."
"How can I expect you to help me, when I can't even help myself?"
"Sometimes we all need a little help from each other, before we are able to truly realize what's bothering us. So tell me Kimberly, what is bothering you?" Immediately she clams up, and refuses to talk, returning her stare up to the top of the tent. "Very well." He says, getting up off the chair, "Perhaps we will be able to talk more later. I'll stop back in a little while." He tells her walking out, shaking his head. Sidney heads over to the Swamp to see the other two Captains. He knocks on the door and a voice says, "Come on in Sidney."
"Hello Hawkeye, BJ."
"Hiya Sid.
"Hi Sidney."
"Care for a drink?" Hawkeye asks.
"I would love one. Thank you."
"Did you get anything out of Miller?"
"She talked to me, well more like yelled at me in a way, but she's speaking a bit."
"What have you figured out?" BJ asks.
"Not much, only that her losing those patients was quite important to her, and because of that she has gotten angry and shut everyone out."
"See Beej, I told you I should have been a Psychiatrist." Hawkeye smiles.
"I am going to go back and see her in an hour or so, once she has calmed down."
"Good Idea, until then, sit back, relax and have a drink or two." Hawkeye says as he smiles, drowning the last few drops from his cup.
They all talk for about an hour, before BJ has to go onto Post-Op duty. "I better be getting to Post-Op before Old Ferret Face has a conniption." He says smiling.
"I better get to my patient too." Sidney says, putting the glass back on the still and following BJ out of the Swamp. "I'll talk to you later Hawkeye."
"Relieve me at 2000 hours Hawk."
"What time is that again?" He says smiling. "Bye Sidney."
Sidney walks back over to the young Captains tent, and knocks on the door, once again there is no answer, so he walks in and has a seat by her bed. "Are you ready to talk yet Kimberly?" She looks over at him, and it is obvious that she has been crying. "You've been crying. Why?" She stays silent for a while longer. "I'm here to help Kimberly, not to make you feel like a prisoner. I want to help, but you are going to have to let me in. Why were you crying?"
She takes a shaky breath, knowing that he was right and starts talking, "Have you ever felt a mans heart between your fingers, beating one second and then all of the sudden stopping?"
"Once, I was with Hawkeye at his table helping him out."
"Well, I had that happen eight times at a time. Eight times Major. I'm a doctor; we are not suppose to lose eight people at one time. We are meant to save people, not let them die. That is what I went to school for."
"Sometimes, even doctors can't stop death from happening. You should know this too."
"But I have. I haven't had anyone, except for one person die under my care, but when I come to this hell hole, I lose 9 in under a little over a month. I am a horrible doctor. I shouldn't be fit to be in this hospital."
"What makes you such a horrible Doctor? Losing patients?"
"Yes. I should be saving them, not killing them."
"You aren't killing them, you try to save them, but sometimes it just isn't enough."
"But it should be. It should always be my best, and when I lose someone how can it be? My best is saving, not killing."
"Kimberly, how many boys have you saved over your month here? How many boys did you save, who would have died had you not been in charge of fixing them? Do you even know?"
"To many to count." She says, sighing.
"So why dwell on those eight or nine men you couldn't save? You have saved a lot more than you lost."
"I know."
"So why not focus on the ones you saved? Hawkeye told me that a lot of those boys you tried to save shouldn't have even been on your table. Most of them were almost dead before you even started to cut them open."
"I know."
"So why dwell on the sadness and the loss of those you couldn't save? Why not dwell on those you have helped and saved the lives of?"
"Because, sadness is all around us out here. People are sick, dying, bleeding, and I am here to help them, but when I can't I feel absolutely ashamed and horrible. I can't even think about the ones I saved when I lose a patient." She says, trying desperately not to cry. "I don't know how everyone else deals with it."
"Deals with what Kimberly?" He asks.
"Deals with the death. I don't understand how everyone is ok when they lose a patient."
"They all were once where you are. They all went through the grief of losing their first patient out here. Pierce, he had a rough time when he lost a patient, but he was able to learn to accept that death came with the job, and the same goes for Hunnicut and Burns, and even your predecessors McIntyre and Blake, god rest his soul."
"I just want to know when it gets easier."
"I don't think it ever does. You just learn to live with it, and go with the flow day by day. However, they do need you Kimberly, not just the soldiers but the other doctors too. Without you, they will be missing a part of the team. You mustn't let your emotions interfere with your job, because you will be seeing me much more often then, and I doubt you want that." He says smiling.
She smiles back at him, "No, I don't think so, at least, not in this manor."
"You will get use to it, just like everyone else has, but just remember, it has to end sometime."
"Thank you Sidney."
"You're welcome Kimberly. Would you like to come out and get a drink with me? It's on the house."
"That sounds good." She says, getting up off her bed, for the first time in a day, and following him to the Swamp. She takes a deep breath and follows Sidney in.
"Hawkeye, do you mind if we have a drink?" He asks.
Hawkeye looks up from his letter, and smiles at me, "No, not at all. Have a seat." He says, getting up to make the 3 of us a drink. "Captain, Major, here you are, the finest kind." He smiles as we all down the vile concoction that he had given us. About 2 hours later, Sidney decides that it is time for him to be heading back to Tokyo. He says good bye to Kimberly, and tells her, "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm only a call away."
"Thank you Sidney."
"Hawkeye, I'll see you next Thursday for poker?"
"You bet Sid." He says, shaking his hand, and walking him to the jeep, leaving Kimberly to stand by the CO's office. "Thanks for coming out on such short notice."
"Not a problem."
"Is she going to be ok?"
"I think so, it will just take some adjusting time, but you and I know how that goes."
"Thanks again, and see you Thursday." Hawkeye smiles.
"Thursday." Sidney says, waving as he leaves.
Hawkeye turns his attention back to Kimberly, "Well kid, I'm going to go and get a cup of coffee, would you care to join me?"
"Sure." She says nodding at him. The both walk to the Mess Tent, and sit down at the table with their coffee's and shoot the breeze.
"You on tonight?" She asked Hawkeye.
"Yeah, I'm on at 2000 hours. You?"
"I relieve you at 3am." She says smiling.
From that point on, her adjusting period got a lot easier, and she was able to deal with death a bit more than she has before.
******* TBC
Thanks for bearing with me! I hope you are enjoying the story so far! Please R&R
*STARY*
********
The next day, at exactly 1200 hours, Dr. Sidney Freedman comes to the 4077th M*A*S*H*
"Sidney, thanks for coming." Potter says to him, shaking the Majors hand.
"I hear that Captain Miller has shut himself off from the world."
"Not himself Sidney, HERSELF."
"HERSELF?!" Sidney says a bit shocked. "You mean Miller is a female surgeon?"
"Captain Kimberly Ann Miller, Surgeon." Potter says smiling, quickly adding in, "And a damn good one at that."
"How are the others taking to having a Female surgeon?"
"They seem pretty good about it. Hawkeye and BJ have taken her under her wing, and Frank, well let's just say he's slowly coming around to having a better surgeon than her."
"So what exactly happened to her Sherm?" He asks, following him into his office.
"She had a bad run in surgery the other night. She lost eight boys, and just couldn't handle it, is what I have actually put together."
"Eight boys, that isn't too drastic of a number."
"But for her it is. Before she came to the M*A*S*H* she only lost one patient in her 3 years as being a doctor, so obviously she feels that she should be able to save everyone. She handled her first loss horribly, that was a few weeks back, and then this batch happened all at once. Her first couple she handled very well, but by the fourth or fifth she was getting very stressed out, and at the end she was a basket case. The next morning, Pierce and Hunnicut said that she wasn't talking or leaving her tent, even when they went in to talk to her, she pretty much ignored them. Same when I went in to tell her she was off Post-Op Duty."
"Do you think she will mind me going over and checking up on her?"
"I don't think so. I'll show you to her tent." He tells him, walking out of his office to her tent. "This is it. Good luck Sidney."
He knocks on her door, and says, "Captain Miller? Do you mind if I come in?" There was no answer, so he walks through the door, he takes notice in the way she is lying, she is lying face up on her bed, with her hands laced around her head, staring at the ceiling. "Captain Miller?" he asks again, noticing her eyes slowly look him over, before returning to the ceiling. "I'm Major Sidney Freedman, Dr. Sidney Freedman. I am here to talk to you, if you don't mind." He says, pulling up a chair to her bed. "I hear that you had a pretty rough OR duty the other night, that you lost a number of patients." He says, looking straight at her. "I also know that you have only lost one patient before coming to Korea." Sidney continues, "I want you to also know, that I am here to help you Kimberly. We all lose faith and hope some days. Pierce has, Hunnicut, Burns, Potter, The Nurses, and even me. These boys need you as their surgeon. You shouldn't let one bad day put you into this depression. What I need to do is try and figure out how to get you to understand it." He says, sitting back with his notepad and pencil in hand, awaiting any response from her. After a few minutes
"You don't think I understand this?" She says in a cold manor. "How could you possibly say that, you are in Tokyo for most of the time aren't you? The only time you step foot on the compound is when some poor person needs psychological help. Let me tell you this though, I am not crazy."
"No one said you were Kimberly."
"So why did they send for you? You're a shrink right?"
"I'm a psychologist, yes."
"Who sent for you?" She asks.
"That doesn't matter. All that matters is that I am here to help you."
"You can't help me Major."
"I would like to try."
"How can I expect you to help me, when I can't even help myself?"
"Sometimes we all need a little help from each other, before we are able to truly realize what's bothering us. So tell me Kimberly, what is bothering you?" Immediately she clams up, and refuses to talk, returning her stare up to the top of the tent. "Very well." He says, getting up off the chair, "Perhaps we will be able to talk more later. I'll stop back in a little while." He tells her walking out, shaking his head. Sidney heads over to the Swamp to see the other two Captains. He knocks on the door and a voice says, "Come on in Sidney."
"Hello Hawkeye, BJ."
"Hiya Sid.
"Hi Sidney."
"Care for a drink?" Hawkeye asks.
"I would love one. Thank you."
"Did you get anything out of Miller?"
"She talked to me, well more like yelled at me in a way, but she's speaking a bit."
"What have you figured out?" BJ asks.
"Not much, only that her losing those patients was quite important to her, and because of that she has gotten angry and shut everyone out."
"See Beej, I told you I should have been a Psychiatrist." Hawkeye smiles.
"I am going to go back and see her in an hour or so, once she has calmed down."
"Good Idea, until then, sit back, relax and have a drink or two." Hawkeye says as he smiles, drowning the last few drops from his cup.
They all talk for about an hour, before BJ has to go onto Post-Op duty. "I better be getting to Post-Op before Old Ferret Face has a conniption." He says smiling.
"I better get to my patient too." Sidney says, putting the glass back on the still and following BJ out of the Swamp. "I'll talk to you later Hawkeye."
"Relieve me at 2000 hours Hawk."
"What time is that again?" He says smiling. "Bye Sidney."
Sidney walks back over to the young Captains tent, and knocks on the door, once again there is no answer, so he walks in and has a seat by her bed. "Are you ready to talk yet Kimberly?" She looks over at him, and it is obvious that she has been crying. "You've been crying. Why?" She stays silent for a while longer. "I'm here to help Kimberly, not to make you feel like a prisoner. I want to help, but you are going to have to let me in. Why were you crying?"
She takes a shaky breath, knowing that he was right and starts talking, "Have you ever felt a mans heart between your fingers, beating one second and then all of the sudden stopping?"
"Once, I was with Hawkeye at his table helping him out."
"Well, I had that happen eight times at a time. Eight times Major. I'm a doctor; we are not suppose to lose eight people at one time. We are meant to save people, not let them die. That is what I went to school for."
"Sometimes, even doctors can't stop death from happening. You should know this too."
"But I have. I haven't had anyone, except for one person die under my care, but when I come to this hell hole, I lose 9 in under a little over a month. I am a horrible doctor. I shouldn't be fit to be in this hospital."
"What makes you such a horrible Doctor? Losing patients?"
"Yes. I should be saving them, not killing them."
"You aren't killing them, you try to save them, but sometimes it just isn't enough."
"But it should be. It should always be my best, and when I lose someone how can it be? My best is saving, not killing."
"Kimberly, how many boys have you saved over your month here? How many boys did you save, who would have died had you not been in charge of fixing them? Do you even know?"
"To many to count." She says, sighing.
"So why dwell on those eight or nine men you couldn't save? You have saved a lot more than you lost."
"I know."
"So why not focus on the ones you saved? Hawkeye told me that a lot of those boys you tried to save shouldn't have even been on your table. Most of them were almost dead before you even started to cut them open."
"I know."
"So why dwell on the sadness and the loss of those you couldn't save? Why not dwell on those you have helped and saved the lives of?"
"Because, sadness is all around us out here. People are sick, dying, bleeding, and I am here to help them, but when I can't I feel absolutely ashamed and horrible. I can't even think about the ones I saved when I lose a patient." She says, trying desperately not to cry. "I don't know how everyone else deals with it."
"Deals with what Kimberly?" He asks.
"Deals with the death. I don't understand how everyone is ok when they lose a patient."
"They all were once where you are. They all went through the grief of losing their first patient out here. Pierce, he had a rough time when he lost a patient, but he was able to learn to accept that death came with the job, and the same goes for Hunnicut and Burns, and even your predecessors McIntyre and Blake, god rest his soul."
"I just want to know when it gets easier."
"I don't think it ever does. You just learn to live with it, and go with the flow day by day. However, they do need you Kimberly, not just the soldiers but the other doctors too. Without you, they will be missing a part of the team. You mustn't let your emotions interfere with your job, because you will be seeing me much more often then, and I doubt you want that." He says smiling.
She smiles back at him, "No, I don't think so, at least, not in this manor."
"You will get use to it, just like everyone else has, but just remember, it has to end sometime."
"Thank you Sidney."
"You're welcome Kimberly. Would you like to come out and get a drink with me? It's on the house."
"That sounds good." She says, getting up off her bed, for the first time in a day, and following him to the Swamp. She takes a deep breath and follows Sidney in.
"Hawkeye, do you mind if we have a drink?" He asks.
Hawkeye looks up from his letter, and smiles at me, "No, not at all. Have a seat." He says, getting up to make the 3 of us a drink. "Captain, Major, here you are, the finest kind." He smiles as we all down the vile concoction that he had given us. About 2 hours later, Sidney decides that it is time for him to be heading back to Tokyo. He says good bye to Kimberly, and tells her, "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm only a call away."
"Thank you Sidney."
"Hawkeye, I'll see you next Thursday for poker?"
"You bet Sid." He says, shaking his hand, and walking him to the jeep, leaving Kimberly to stand by the CO's office. "Thanks for coming out on such short notice."
"Not a problem."
"Is she going to be ok?"
"I think so, it will just take some adjusting time, but you and I know how that goes."
"Thanks again, and see you Thursday." Hawkeye smiles.
"Thursday." Sidney says, waving as he leaves.
Hawkeye turns his attention back to Kimberly, "Well kid, I'm going to go and get a cup of coffee, would you care to join me?"
"Sure." She says nodding at him. The both walk to the Mess Tent, and sit down at the table with their coffee's and shoot the breeze.
"You on tonight?" She asked Hawkeye.
"Yeah, I'm on at 2000 hours. You?"
"I relieve you at 3am." She says smiling.
From that point on, her adjusting period got a lot easier, and she was able to deal with death a bit more than she has before.
******* TBC
Thanks for bearing with me! I hope you are enjoying the story so far! Please R&R
*STARY*
