AUTHOR'S NOTES: And after a long hiatus, I'm back... it's been slow at work and I have been reading up on some amazing post-ep pieces for the last 6 episodes or so. Right now, I want to deal with the whole Toby/Josh fight (working in and referencing things from the campaign trail) and will then take on the following storylines.
As always, my hats off to those who have read and reviewed the previous chapters – your support has been priceless.
PHOTOGRAPHS (16)
Donna Moss stood a few yards away and watched as he sat on the steps and sucked on the first knuckle of his right hand. His head was bowed and in the darkness of the night upon the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, she could see his depression. It was a physical weight he carried in his shoulders – she had seen it before over the years and knew that it would not leave easily. She walked quietly up the steps and sat down a few feet away from him.
"Hey."
Josh looked up and then lowered his head again.
"Hey."
"I ran into Rhonna at the party and she said you left early. It's a little late to be out here, don't you think? You have to be careful or Capitol Security may take you for a homeless guy and run you down to a holding cell for the night."
He just gave a half-hearted smile and went back to sucking on his knuckle. She could tell his hand was swollen and painful in the way he flexed the fingers back and forth.
"You really should get some ice for that," she said, knowing he had probably done nothing about what might become a significant bruise.
"I'm fine."
"Really, Josh, you need to..."
"I'm fine...Donna," he replied, his voice sharp and then calming, as if he was trying to keep control over himself, "Really. I'm fine."
Donna studied him for a moment, noting that the weeks on the campaign trail had hollowed out the circles under his eyes and tightened the lines around his mouth. She had been so busy trying to keep his presence from throwing her off balance each time they met that she hadn't noticed how old he seemed to have gotten.
She looked back out over the reflecting pool, the lights from the Mall and the Monument behind them glinting like earthbound stars on the surface of the water.
"I thought you'd be back on the road by now."
Josh took the hand away from his mouth and flexed his fingers again, "No. The Congressman had a few things he wanted to check into at his office on the Hill. We're in town tonight and then back out early tomorrow afternoon. Why are you here? Bingo Bob having too much fun with the crab puffs and chicken skewers to leave tonight?"
Donna winced at the chicken reference but kept her calm. She was still sensitive about the whole chicken "thing" and could barely even be around it when it was served, let alone have the subject come up in conversation.
"Actually, there were a few things here he needed to handle. I'm happy, though, since this gives me a chance to re-acquaint myself with my own bed for a night."
Nodding, Josh looked back over the pool in front of them, "Yeah. It's been a while."
The two sat silently for a moment. Donna realized that this was the most time the two had spent in each other's company since the day she stormed out of his office, broken glass and broken feelings in her wake.
At least we can still be civil...
"Josh, look, I heard about what happened with Toby..."
"Don't."
"Josh, c'mon... you punched him. You and Toby..."
"I said don't, Donna!" Josh jumped up from where he had been sitting and walked few steps down. Turning, he looked back up at her and she was shocked and the pain she saw in his eyes.
"I can't do this right now. I can't sit here and listen to another person tell me how disappointed they are. I got it from C.J. and Leo earlier...I can't do it, Donna. I can't hear it from you, too. Especially not you. Not tonight." He turned his back to her and stood silently.
A few moments passed and Donna said quietly, "I wasn't going to say I was disappointed."
He turned and looked at her, "What?"
"I said, I wasn't going to say I was disappointed in you," she replied, not looking in his direction. "I was going to say that I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?" His tone was incredulous. "Sorry for what?"
She met his eyes and took a deep breath, "I was the one who told you about Rafferty. I was the one who pointed out the parallel to President Bartlet's plan. I was the one that wound you up and sent you off on the trail."
"Donna, you couldn't..."
"Josh, I could have done something on my own. I should have waited until I knew who it was. Instead I ran to you and look what happened."
He sighed heavily and climbed a few steps to stand next to her. Looking down, he saw in the dimness that the corners of her mouth were turned down in that way that made her look so very young and vulnerable.
Josh sat down next to her and rubbed his hands together softly, "You did the right thing. If you had waited, both our guys would have gotten trounced in the press by Ricky Rafferty and her five minutes of fame. You have nothing to be sorry about."
Donna looked over at him, "But you and Toby..."
Sighing again, he looked down at the swollen knuckles of his right hand. "Yeah..."
She thought for a few minutes. "I knew things were tough, Josh. I've talked to C.J. over the past few weeks and I knew that things were hard for them. The President hasn't been well and they've all been under a lot of pressure. I knew."
Looking down at his hand, Josh sat for a moment and then replied, "You didn't do anything wrong."
Silence came down around them again as they both sat and looked out on the Mall in front of them. They were sitting within a two feet of one another, but each seemed enclosed in their own world of thought. The months of strained silences were hard to overcome and neither wanted to step into enemy territory.
"I always thought it looked magical out here at night," he said softly, studying the still waters of the pool. "I mean it's cool during the day, but at night..."
"Yes, it is," she replied, following his gaze, "The first time I ever saw this monument was at night."
He laughed quietly, "I remember. I was giving you 'Josh Lyman's Introduction to the Capitol.' God, it was cold that night."
"It was January, Josh. January in D.C. is always cold," Donna replied in that voice that reminded him of the days she would lecture him on the most recent economic policy or fluke of government recordkeeping that kept him from receiving an expense reimbursement. "You kept me out here for an hour going over the Gettysburg Address and the impact of the Emancipation Proclamation."
"Hey! You said you enjoyed that!" he exclaimed, the infamous Lyman dimples making their first appearance of the evening.
"An event, I might add, which is rivaled in the annals of Josh Lyman History with the time you stood at the Liberty Bell and recited the entire Declaration of Independence in front of a group of retired school teachers."
"They loved me! They were enthralled with my boyish charm and good looks!" He was smiling now, a reminder of the old days that made her heart ache with sadness.
She laughed and he realized he hadn't heard her laugh in months. He had missed that laugh and hearing it physically pulled at the pit of his stomach.
"They did," she looked over at him, smiling. "Mrs. Randall wanted you to come and have lunch with them. Except, Sam, Toby and C.J. tracked us down..."
At the mention of the names, Josh's smile fell and he turned to look back over the scene in front of them. Donna's voice trailed off when she saw his expression. It was hard to believe that the mention of their friends would cause such immediate and obvious pain.
Josh put his hand to his mouth again and then said quietly, "Today was the first time I've ever felt totally alone."
Donna thought she hadn't heard him correctly. His voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper. "What?"
Josh cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes, "Today was the first time, since I left the White House, that I felt absolutely alone."
She realized she was holding her breath and let it out slowly.
"What do you mean?"
Scuffing his toe on the step in front of him, Josh thought for a moment. He knew that showing weakness in front of her could be a political liability, but he knew her as well as he knew himself and he knew that she was the only person that would understand the loss he had suffered that afternoon.
"When I threw that punch at Toby, I realized that everything I had worked for and everyone I had counted on was gone. I wasn't Deputy Chief of Staff anymore – I was a campaign manager of a back-woods presidential candidate who doesn't trust me to run his campaign. I was a guy who couldn't even get into the White House and needed to beg to get through the front door," he stopped for a breath, his momentum carrying him forward, "Here I was the guy who promised his friends that he would do anything for them and, yet, I was throwing punches at a man who was my brother. The man who held me while I bled all over the sidewalk."
She could see the tears welling up in his eyes and felt her heart constrict in her chest.
Oh, Joshua, what has happened to us?
"I woke up this morning and looked at the picture Abby Bartlet gave me. It's of all of us. You, me, C.J., Sam, Toby... I thought to myself, 'What a team we were... What things we did...'" his voice was cracking and he was losing his self control.
"Why didn't he come to me, Donna? Why couldn't he call me? Why did he do this?"
His shoulders shook and he sobbed quietly. She reached across and put her hand on his back, trying to comfort while knowing that, under it all, she had contributed to the pain that had been compounded by the fight with Toby.
"What happened to us? What happened to me? What happened to that guy who stood here and showed you the Mall that day in January? He's gone, Donna, and I don't know what to do to get him back...The only thing I have left is this campaign. There's nothing else for me. Sam left, C.J. is someone I don't even know, Leo hasn't been the same since the heart attack, Toby and I are beating the fuck out of one another, and I lost..."
She waited for him to finish, knowing what he was going to say and praying that the words hanging in the air between them would finally come out in the open. "You lost what, Josh?"
He looked her in the eye and knew that he couldn't voice the words.
I've lost you, Donna. I've lost you. And that makes me feel utterly and hopelessly alone.
"Nothing," he replied, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and wincing as the swollen knuckle made contact. "Nothing. I'm sorry. I had a couple of beers tonight and I'm just feeling sorry for myself. You know... that damned sensitive system of mine."
"Josh..."
He stood up, clearing his throat, and looked down at her, "It's pretty late for us to be out here. Let me walk you to your car."
Donna stood up and straightened her skirt. The moment between them was over and she knew that he wouldn't approach it again, not tonight.
"No need. I caught a cab."
"Oh. Then let me wait with you."
"No. That's okay. I'm sure you have things to do before tomorrow. I'll be okay. It isn't the first time I have caught a cab in D.C. at midnight." Smiling at him, she picked up her purse and turned to walk away. Stopping after a few steps, she turned around and caught him watching her.
"Josh..." The look on her face was one of concern and he knew what she was thinking, the distance between them and the months of estrangement doing nothing to improve her ability to conceal her feelings.
"I'll be okay."
"You'll call if..."
Smiling slightly, he nodded, "Yeah... I'll call."
Gesturing to his hand, she said softly, "You really should get some ice for that."
He looked down at his hand and looked back up, but she was gone, walking off across the damp grass of the Mall.
Josh watched her walk until she had disappeared in the darkness, the hollowness in his heart a constant, heavy strain. He hadn't meant to say such things to her. He had promised himself he would keep away from her. After all, they were on opposite sides of the war and the months since she walked out of his office that day had been long, grey and lonely. He had gotten used to the idea that she was no longer a part of his life. At least he thought he had.
So much for well laid plans, D'Artagnan..
Sighing, he turned back to the steps of the Memorial. Sitting down, he gazed out at the lights shining in the stillness reflecting pool and waited for Capitol Security to come chase him away.
(To be continued.)
