By Leanne Ashley
Quick summary: (AU) SeeD battles Ultimecia & her followers. When a prophecy foretells the coming of a savior (Sorceress Rinoa) SeeD, led by Squall, is ordered to protect her from Galbadia's assassins as she journeys to defeat Ultimecia. Squall/Rinoa
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Chapter 12: The Confession
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Held in young hands
The light is shivering.
I've come all this way
Wandering along the edges of time.
I came, searching still
Without even knowing your name,
But one little feeling
I only wanted to hand over to you
Sometimes I catch and hold
love and pain, tightly in my arms.
It will fade away,
But I will remember it
... Always
"You doing okay, Squall? You haven't been saying much."
Quistis let out a short laugh as she glanced back at Irvine. "He never said much to begin with."
Squall continued to stare straight ahead as he lead the way down a stony path. "Got a lot on my mind," he grunted shortly.
It was an honest answer.
They had been travelling for almost a day towards Deling City and although the weather had been generous in their favor, the walking conditions had been rough. They avoided the towns incase Galbadian soldiers spotted them, so renting a vehicle was out of the question. The last thing they wanted was for Seifer to be aware of their presence.
"You're really worried about Rinoa, aren't you?" Zell hazardized.
Even though they knew he wouldn't respond, they grew silent in hopes that he would. They had noticed it. No one ever said a word knowing how Squall would react, but they had noticed it. Girls came and went but Rinoa had been the only person to get a reaction from him. The only person to get his attention. The only person who made him smile if only for a fraction of a second. Maybe it wasn't head-over-heels obvious, but they could see that their cold, anti-social commander actually felt something for her.
"What kind of question is that?" Squall asked sharply.
After quickly jabbing Zell in the ribs, Selphie shot him a Don't-do-it look and he promptly shrank back. "Nothing," he said quickly. "I was just wondering cause I mean… we all are."
They continued to walk in silence.
Do they all find it amazing that I do? Squall wondered. I do… I am worried about her. But there's something else…
"Quistis?" he asked suddenly.
The blonde-haired instructor joined him at his side. "Yes?"
"What happens at the end of the story?"
Her eyes observed him questionably. "What are you talking about, Squall?"
"The story," he said again, "Savior, how does it end?"
Quistis shook her head. "I already said I couldn't remember… and besides, that story's been recreated and retold a hundred times. I don't even know which copy I read."
"I remember though…" Squall said slowly as he stopped to face them all. "Your book… you lent it to Zell."
Zell's eyes widened. "Dude… what are you talking about!?"
"He was reading it," Squall continued, "…and then… Seifer stole it from him."
Quistis could only stare at him in bewilderment. "Are you talking about back when—?"
He nodded slowly. "Back at the orphanage. I can only remember that one moment… I don't know why it came back to me, but I was sitting outside when that book fell by my feet. I guess—"
"That bastard Seifer threw the book out the window." Zell finished.
"You remember?"
"Bits and pieces now… I had to hear you describe it first."
"Did you remember what happens in the end?"
Zell scratched the back of his neck as he searched his memory. "I think in every story she saves the world, but… it just seems to end after that. I can't remember either."
Irvine tipped back his hat. "Whoa… wait, can we back up a little? You guys grew up together in the same orphanage?"
They all turned to look at him.
Selphie shifted her feet nervously against the dirt-paved road. "Actually Irvine… you were there too."
He frowned at the brown-haired girl in puzzlement. "What? What do you mean, Sefie?"
"I mean," she began as she shifted away from his stare. "We were all orphans together. You were adopted when you were about nine. They put you under Galbadian Law and erased some of your memory."
Irvine took off his hat and ran a hand through his long brown hair. "Well, yeah, that IS something they do… I just never… I mean, I never even thought about where it was I came from even when I knew my parents weren't my real parents…Something kept pushing it out like it didn't matter…"
"It's alright, Irvine." Selphie assured. "No one holds it against you. That day when you escaped Galbadia and came to Balamb Garden, we knew from the first moment you saw us that we had been wiped from your memory."
"Why… didn't you guys say anything?"
Squall sighed and folded his arms across his chest. "Don't take this the wrong way, but it was a bit of a trust issue. We wanted to wait until the whole Galbadian Law thing was out of your system before we said anything." He shrugged. "Guess this is as good a time as any."
Walking ahead of the others, Squall turned his back and continued on. "But if you're looking to reminisce, we can't help you."
Replacing the cowboy hat quickly upon his head, he hurried to catch up with Squall. "Why not?" he demanded.
Squall was without pity for the other boy. He knew the importance of a memory too well, but was just the same. They were all the same. Their childhood memories could only be recollected in fragments. Everything that involved their years at the orphanage could only flash by like the constant changing of television channels.
"Because we can't remember either."
"But you were just talking about—"
"That's rare." Squall stated, his voice lacking all forms of emotion. "We only remember bits and pieces here and there, but nothing solid."
"But… why? What happened to you all?"
Quistis spoke up then. "It's just the price we pay for power. When we were all old enough… around the age of ten… we left the orphanage and trained at the Garden. That's when we were introduced to using Guardian Forces…"
"The GF provides us its power," Selphie continued, "But the GF makes its own place inside our brain... We only found out recently that the area it takes is where our memories are storied." She tapped her head gently in demonstration. "Sometimes it gets pretty bad. About a month ago I almost forgot that I used to know you, Irvy."
"We're no better off than you are," Zell said simply. "You've only been using Guardian Forces for about a year. That won't do much, but since Galbadia already wiped out your past…" He paused to chuckle. "I guess we're all in the same boat."
Irvine walked in silence as he tried to absorb the sudden information. It certainly accounted for a lot.
"So… what are you going to do?" he finally asked.
Squall frowned. "What are we going to do?" he repeated. "Nothing."
Irvine stared hard into Squall's back. "But your memories… What do you mean 'nothing'!?"
The commander stopped walking then and turned to face the others. "So what do you want to do? You wanna stop using GF now? As long as we continue fighting, we're indebted to the powers of the GF. If there's a price I have to pay for that, I'll gladly pay for it."
"He's right man," Zell said as he placed a hand on Irvine's shoulder. "Having a Guardian Force junctioned ups our advantages over the Galbadians. We need it more than ever now. We've gotta get Rinoa back, right?"
Squall frowned to himself at the mention of her name.
"Yeah… I guess you're right…" Irvine admitted reluctantly. "Seems like a heavy price to pay though."
It was in fact. But what other choice did they have if they wanted to save humanity?
"Those Guardian Forces," Zell said shaking his head. "It's almost as if they WANT us to forget our pasts…"
I know he wants to learn more about the orphanage, but I've got too much on my mind as it is, Squall thought distantly. He could hear them talking behind him. There was only so much they could tell Irvine anyway, what could he contribute that was significant? He knew he couldn't be of much help when his thoughts were meandering constantly.
Rinoa…
Her name suddenly sat so familiar in his thoughts. It was driving him insane. Was it because she was with Seifer? Was it just jealousy?
Jealous, huh? That doesn't sound like me…
No. It had to be more than that. He felt a longing to see her, to hear her voice…
Since when did I start feeling this way about her?
He knew he was trying to fool himself. He had felt it from day one but was too blind and arrogant to realize it. The more he felt something for her, the more he wanted to push her away to prove everyone wrong. But mostly, to prove himself wrong. Was it really so hard for him to admit it? Maybe things would've been different if he had. Maybe it wouldn't have been too late.
Squall couldn't help but laugh at himself.
So, what are you gonna do now, huh?
He realized now that he cared for her, but was he really better off? Rinoa was on a suicide mission. Even though there was a chance that she'd live through it, he refused to take it. How could he let her go through with the mission now? It was Rinoa's will… her soul purpose and objective in life. He couldn't stop her. Unless…
Squall stopped walking. Zell absently bumped into his back and jumped back in surprise. "Squall? Yo! What's the matter?"
"I've… been thinking," Squall said slowly. "If she stays with Seifer, she can't defeat Ultimecia. She'll get to live… right?"
Quistis stared at him in shock. "What exactly are you trying to say?" she demanded.
"Answer the question."
They exchanged worried glances as Quistis regarded him cautiously. "Well… technically, yes—"
"So what are we doing?" Squall asked before she could finish.
"We're… we're going to save her, Squall…" she uttered nervously.
"Why?"
"Because she has to defeat Ultimecia! Why are you asking me this? You know it all!"
"If we save her, we're only sending her to her death."
"But the Seven Day sacrifice—"
"That doesn't guarantee anything!" Squall practically shouted. Even he was surprised by his outburst. "If she doesn't do the mission then she lives! We might not have a lot of fun with Ultimecia around, but at least Rinoa will live, right!?"
"Squall, Ultimecia will destroy the world…" Selphie whispered quietly.
"What makes you think she's safe with Seifer!?" Irvine argued back.
"He said he wouldn't kill her."
"He could do a lot worse to her than kill her, Squall."
Quistis lost her temper then. She could tell Squall was starting to lose it. He had lost perspective on what was important. She quickly walked over to him and slapped him sharply across the face.
"That's not your decision to make," she said coldly as he glared into her sapphire eyes. "After we save Rinoa, she'll tell us what she needs to do. It's not up to you. It's up to her."
The others could only stare in silence as Squall stepped backwards in defeat; his eyes shifting apologetically downward as he leaned back against a tree. He sighed and rested his head against the ridged bark, letting the sun heat the already warm area on his cheek. "I think…" he began slowly. "I think I've fallen for her…"
They're probably laughing at me. Or maybe they're angry...? Regardless of what he thought they'd be thinking, he knew he had to admit the hardest part of all. The part that made him weak. The part that scared him the most.
"I really… don't know what I'm suppose to do now…"
Authors note: The lyrics are from the song "Without Stealing the Jewl" or "Radical Dreamer" from the game Chrono Cross (english translation) A lot of this story will conspire around the past and future later on so ..mwahaha try follow along (and let me know if I'm making things too complicated) Now was Squall's "realization" too sudden? I was trying to hold it off but the coming chapters are making it inevitable. Other stuff: I couldn't think up Galbadia's method of "memory wiping" but I was only going to mention it once for Irvine's sake and then leave it alone (let's just say it's how they brainwash people into following Ultimecia) And don't worry, Squall still wants to save Rinoa but he had a bit of a panic attack. This chapter was mainly character development (I think that's important in an AU fic because you're starting from the "beginning") So there'll be more action in the next chapters ) Cya!
