AUTHOR'S NOTES: Suspend whatever disbelief you have to for this one. I've had it in my head for eons.
Many, many thanks for outtabreath for beta-ing. And to everyone for their encouragement. Special congratulations to ecouteuse who just signed a book deal – I aspire to her talent.
And of course, to my sisters and slimwhistler, who always keep me on my toes.
PHOTOGRAPHS (22)
"I'm too old for this," Josh said, hauling himself over the white split-rail fence of the farm's north pasture.
"It's good for you," Toby said from a few feet in front of him.
The two were at the Bartlet farm in Manchester with Leo for a discussion on last minute public relations matters for the Santos/ Rafferty campaign. Josh left the Congressman doing a weekend of meet-and-greets in the mid-West (Bram and Rhonna were chaperoning) and he had traveled up with Leo from Washington. President Bartlet and the First Lady were taking a short vacation at the "New Hampshire White House" and Toby had accompanied them to work on some end-of-term policy messages. The two men had gotten up early and had agreed to take a walk through the farm's pastures to work out some issues.
The talk had been productive – standing in the soft October air, they had finally challenged one another over Josh's departure from the White House, Toby's dalliance with Ricki Rafferty, and all the things they had buried for months. It had felt good, and frightening, to get it out in the open and when they were done, a weight had been lifted from each of them. They were not back to what they were, but they were miles away from what they had been.
After they hashed out their personal issues, they had jumped into the business at hand. Striding back toward the farmhouse, they were eager to get started with the President. Toby, always in a hurry, was walking toward the house like a man with a mission. Josh felt winded and was reminded, yet again, that he didn't get outside enough, didn't exercise enough.
When this campaign is over...
"Oh man," he said, stopping in his tracks and breathing heavily, "I'm outta shape."
Toby turned, walked backwards and threw out at him, "You've always been out of shape. You haven't been in shape since you were twenty-five. C'mon in the house." And with that, the older man turned and continued on into the farmhouse.
Josh stood for a moment and felt the familiar fatigue work its way through his limbs. But this time, it was followed by a sense of lightheadedness and nausea in the pit of his stomach. He leaned over and put his hands on his knees.
God, I have got to eat better, he thought. Thank God this campaign is almost over.
Taking a few deep breaths, he straightened up and started walking toward the farmhouse and the hard day of work planned ahead.
XXX
It had been a long time since Donna had to step into a campaign running at full throttle. The last time she had taken the leap was when she walked into Jed Bartlet's campaign headquarters in New Hampshire almost nine years ago. It had been hard that time, the trip across country and the challenge of jumping without a safety net, but for some reason, she felt this time was harder. With the Bartlet campaign, she had no past to escape, no failures to excuse. With the Santos campaign, she had just walked away from the biggest failure of her professional (and one could argue personal) career and she felt its constant shadow everywhere she turned.
She could see the eyes following her and hear the whispers when she entered the room.
"She's the Russell woman..."
When she accepted the job from Matt Santos, she hadn't deluded herself that the people in the ranks of the campaign would accept her with open arms. And she honestly didn't blame them.
Bob Russell was a douche and you knew it, she chastised herself. But that doesn't excuse the fact that he lost and part of that is your fault.
Donna shook her head and turned her attention back to the telephone surveys that had been taken the last few days. The numbers were tight and she had a sinking feeling in her stomach that Washington was going to be a close call.
"Donna?"
She looked up and saw a young, red-headed man in her doorway.
"Jim," she said smiling, "What's up?"
"I was just wondering if you wanted some lunch. We're heading over to Lenny's for sandwiches."
Donna smiled softly and looked at the papers in front of her. This really needs to be done, she thought. Lunch can wait.
"Thanks, Jim, but I've got to finish with these surveys."
The young man nodded and turned down the hall.
Sighing, Donna shoved a pen behind her ear and continued to read the survey results, wishing she was comfortable enough in her position and in herself to join the others for lunch.
XXX
Night had fallen early in New Hampshire and there was a chill in the air out on the farmhouse porch. Leo, Josh, Toby and the President had worked through the day and broke for dinner with the First Lady. Josh had taken his mug of coffee out on the porch to have a few minutes alone.
He hadn't lost the nausea and lightheadedness from earlier in the day. Figuring it was simply fatigue from a year and a half of unbelievable stress, he vowed to see the doctor when the election was over.
It's just a month. And it's probably just exhaustion.
Looking out into the dark night, Josh wondered what Donna was doing out in Seattle. He had spoken to her several times a week since she left to take the Mid-West spot and each time, they were polite and courteous, but nothing like what they once were. Donna sounded utterly professional over the phone and was doing a remarkable job – Matt Santos thought the world of her – but Josh could hear a hint of sadness in her voice. He wanted to ask her what was wrong, but felt the distance between them prevented such liberties now.
Sighing heavily, he took a sip from his coffee cup.
XXX
Donna was lonely. She was fighting the urge to pick up her cell phone and call Josh. Josh of all people! But she desperately wanted his advice and a familiar shoulder. And every time she picked up the phone to call, she suddenly remembered that they weren't like that anymore. They weren't confidantes or best friends. She didn't know of a word that could describe what they were, but they weren't the Josh and Donna of the old days.
Sighing, she threw down her pen and grabbed her coat. She had been fighting desperate loneliness for the last couple of days and had thought she had it under control. But today, she has a strange feeling of unease that she couldn't shake and couldn't name. Perhaps a walk would clear her mind.
Leaving her cell phone on her desk, she shrugged into her coat and stepped out through the door.
XXX
"Where's Josh?" the President asked, settling himself into his favorite wing-back in the den. "We should finish up with this stuff today. We've got more to handle tomorrow."
"I think he went out on the porch for a minute," Abby said from the doorway to the dining room.
"I'll get him," Toby replied, walking toward the front door. "He's probably calling the Congressman."
Stepping through the front door, Toby looked around for Josh. The porch stretched the length of the front of the house and was lit from the interior light shining out through the large windows of the first floor. As he looked back and forth, Toby couldn't see the younger man. As he moved further into the dark reaches of the porch, Toby noticed a figure on the floor.
Oh my God. Not again.
"Josh!"
Toby ran over to the younger man and reached for his pulse. He heard footsteps behind him as Abby and Leo, having heard his cry, ran out from the den.
"Toby, what happened?" Abby asked, switching into doctor mode and reaching to take Josh's pulse.
"I don't know," Toby stammered, not knowing what to do or how to help. The feeling of deja-vu was sickening and for a moment, he thought he would throw up.
"Leo. My bag is in the front hall closet," she said in a clipped tone. "Please go get it for me."
Leo stood for a moment, frozen at the sight of Josh lying on the porch floor. He hadn't been there at Rosslyn, hadn't seen Josh collapsed in a pool of his own blood. This was his Rosslyn and he felt immobilized and couldn't find the strength to move his feet.
"Now, Leo!" Abby ordered, looking over her shoulder at the older man.
At Abby's bark, Leo turned and ran into the house to get the medical bag.
XXX
Josh woke to find Toby and the First Lady leaning over him in the dark. He looked around, puzzled, and said quietly, "What happened?"
"That's what I need you to tell me, Josh," Abby said firmly, taking her bag from Leo who had just returned from his mission.
Looking around at the faces standing over him, Josh had to admit to himself that he didn't know what happened. One minute he was drinking out of his coffee cup and the next minute, he was lying here on the Bartlet porch.
"I don't know," he mumbled.
"Have you been feeling funny?" Abby asked, pulling out her stethoscope. "Have you had any strange symptoms recently?"
Josh thought for a moment and said softly, "I've felt a little light headed today. And sick to my stomach. That's it."
Abby watched him while she listened to his heart rate and checked his breathing. "Did you have any pain? Feel flushed?"
Sighing heavily, he nodded. "I thought I was running a fever this afternoon. I chalked it up to fatigue or the flu or something crappy like that."
Pulling away her stethoscope, Abby looked down at him. "When was the last time you saw your cardiologist, Josh?"
Meeting her eyes momentarily, Josh turned his head away and mumbled an answer.
"What?" Toby said, "We couldn't hear you."
Josh looked up at the two of them and said, in a tone that sounded like a punished school-boy, "Before Donna went to Gaza."
"Oh for Christ's sake, Josh!" Leo said from over Abby's shoulder, "You haven't been to see her in a year and a half?"
Closing his eyes, Josh sighed heavily. He simply hadn't had the time to go see Dr. Sherman. He knew what she would say anyway. It was the same thing she said every visit. Cut down on the stress, watch what you eat, blah, blah, blah. He couldn't be who he was if he took her advice, so he simply didn't go.
"You're going to the hospital," Abby said firmly, putting her instruments back in the bag.
"No."
"Josh..." Toby started.
Slowly sitting up, Josh said vehemently, "No! I am not going to the hospital. I'm tired, that's all. I don't have time to go to the hospital, I don't have time for tests. The election is in a month and I need to be in Washington. End of story."
Josh got shakily to his feet, angrily waving off help from Toby and walked past the small group and into the farmhouse.
Leo, Toby and Abby stood silently for a moment.
"What happened?" Leo asked quietly.
"I'm not sure," Abby answered, studying the door through which Josh had entered the house. "I think it was a warning sign. And I think he needs to see a doctor, other than me, right away."
"He won't do it," Toby said, rubbing the top of his head. "He'd rather die than leave Matt Santos in the lurch."
Abby turned her head toward Toby and said sadly, "It may come to that."
XXX
Josh was standing in the kitchen with a glass of water when he heard the President walk into the room. Turning slowly, he faced Jed Bartlet and said, "Mr. President."
Jed stood for a moment studying the man in front of him. A man who had certainly walked in the shadow of death and had come out swinging. A man who had sacrificed everything to be at the beck and call of two men – one who had made history and one who was making it.
"Abby told me what happened," Jed said softly, moving to sit down in one of the chairs by the kitchen table. "You need to see a doctor, Josh."
Smiling slightly, Josh said, "Are you implying the First Lady isn't a doctor? Last time I checked she was..."
"Don't be a smart-ass, Josh," the President said, refusing to crack a smile, "This is no laughing matter."
Josh looked down into the glass of water in his hands. He was happy to see that his hands had stopped shaking – it had been difficult to get the control he needed to simply take the glass out of the cabinet earlier.
"No."
"Josh, I can order you..."
"No, Mr. President. You can't and you won't," Josh said softly, taking a seat across from Jed. "I need to be in Washington with the Congressman. We have less than a month to go. We have an incredible chance of winning. I can't leave him to handle the last month on his own. I won't do it. I didn't give up everything and come this far to leave what I have left a month before the election."
Pleading, Josh looked into Jed Bartlet's eyes to see if he could find an ally. If anyone would side with him, it would be the man who had struggled through a debilitating disease to continue to serve his country. Jed felt what Josh was saying in his heart. He knew trying to convince the man to go to the hospital was a futile task and had told his wife as much when she asked him.
"Alright," the President said, watching the relief sweep over Josh's face. "But you will be going with Abby tomorrow to Boston to see a cardiologist friend of hers."
Josh started shaking his head, but Jed cut him off, "It's Sunday. No one will be in the office but you, Abby, Tom Culver and a nurse. She made sure he understood the necessity of privacy. And this you will be doing."
Jed stood up and began to walk out of the kitchen. As he left, he threw over his shoulder, "And don't argue with my wife. It never works and gets you into more trouble than you can imagine."
XXX
The next morning, Josh rose and was immediately put into a car with Abby Bartlett for the hour drive to Boston. The cardiologist who was to see Josh was one of the best in New England and was an old friend of the Bartlet family. He had agreed to come in with one of his most trusted nurses to see the person Abby had described as "an old family friend". Both Abby and Josh said little on the drive to Boston as the worked or watched the scenery go by outside of the car window.
When they entered the cardiologist's office, Tom Culver immediately recognized his patient, but diplomatically said nothing. If Josh Lyman wanted to keep this on the quiet, Dr. Culver would certainly honor his patient's wishes.
"Josh, come on back to an examining room so I can take a look at you. Just do me a favor and leave your cell phone out here. I find them a little distracting."
Josh took his cell phone off his hip, turned it off, and handed it to Abby Bartlet. He then turned and followed Dr. Culver down the hallway.
XXX
The feeling of unease had not left Donna all night and into the next day. Even though it was Sunday, they had volunteers manning the phones and going door to door, and she had an afternoon meeting scheduled with a professional pollster to see what they could do about the flagging numbers in Washington.
Pouring herself another cup of coffee, Donna tried to figure out what was causing her to be so edgy. It wasn't the job, because even though she had self-doubt, she knew that the Congressman was pleased with the way the national message was beginning to coalesce in the final weeks of the campaign. It wasn't her upcoming trip to Wisconsin – she had already called her family and told them that with a few weeks left in the campaign, she would be unable to break away to see them when she was in the state. It wasn't even the fact that she had begun to miss Washington, D.C. because she knew she would be back there soon.
It was something else. Something deeper and stronger and much more upsetting that was causing her to feel this way.
She just didn't know what it was.
XXX
Tom Culver stepped out of the examination room and walked down the hallway toward where Abby Bartlett sat reading from a file in her lap. When she saw the doctor, she set aside the file and stood.
"What is it?"
Tom looked at her sadly, "It's what you thought it was. At least from what I can tell. He won't let me admit him to run tests so it's hard to be sure."
Abby nodded, "What can we do?"
"Well," Tom said, sighing, "I can prescribe him some meds. If he'll take them regularly, it may slow it down slightly, but I would feel a hell of a lot better if he was checked into a hospital by night fall."
Smiling, Abby replied, "It's not going to happen."
Shaking his head, Dr. Culver said, "I know. I could tell that even before I said anything to him. I'm worried that the residual injury from the gunshot, the stress he's under, and the incredibly poor care he seems to take of himself is going to escalate."
Abby sat back down in the chair. She knew Tom was right. Any time you are dealing with the human heart, you took a risk.
"Have you told him?"
Tom shook his head, "No. I told him I wanted to come out here and consult with you first. He's getting dressed. He can't go on like this, Abby. If he keeps up this pace, it will kill him."
She stared down at her hands for a moment and then looked up at the doctor, "I'll tell him."
XXX
The first fifteen minutes of the ride back to Manchester was silent. Josh stared out the window as the city of Boston disappeared behind them and Abby stared ahead, phrasing the words in her mind.
"Josh," she stared, not yet looking at him. "You have to quit."
Not turning toward her, he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the car window. He knew things were bad. He knew when he looked in Tom Culver's eyes as he answered the dozens of questions that were asked of him and saw the reaction there.
"No."
Turning to look at him, Abby continued, "You are risking a full-scale, drop dead heart attack, Josh. That little episode on the porch was a warning sign. If you keep up at this pace, you are going to die."
He still didn't turn to look at her and Abby knew that she had to reach him somehow and make him understand the seriousness of his situation.
"Josh, this isn't a lark. It's not a joke. Your arteries were heavily damaged at Rosslyn. You probably have Coronary Artery Disease, although we won't know for sure without some tests. The stress you have been under for the last year and a half has forced you to go as far as your heart can take you. When you collapsed on the porch, it was your body telling you that you can't take much more."
Josh opened his eyes and watched the scenery fly by the car window. He loved New England. He had loved it growing up, in college, in law school. Every trip he took up here felt like he was coming home.
"I can't leave the campaign," he said softly.
"I know that," Abby said, a tone of resignation in her voice.
"Then what do you want?"
Abby thought her heart would break at the sadness in his voice.
"If Matt Santos wins, he is going to ask you to be his Chief of Staff. That's a given. You can't do it."
Turning to look at her, Josh knew instantly she was right.
"If you take that position, you'll end up dead." The matter-of-factness in her tone made the statement all the more ominous.
Josh looked back out the window and thought about what she had said. She was right – Matt Santos would ask him to be Chief of Staff. Josh really hadn't thought past the election, but Abby was right. He wanted back in the White House. He had loved his time there, both the ups and the downs. He wanted to feel a part of the process again, to feel important, to feel like he made a difference.
"Mrs. Bartlet..."
"Josh, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. When we get back to Manchester, you need to call Congressman Santos and tell him what happened up here. Prepare him for the fact that you won't be going to the White House with him. Because if you don't call him, I will."
Josh recognized the look in Abby Bartlet's eyes and knew she wasn't kidding.
"It's that serious?" he said softly, looking out the window.
"Yes, Josh," she said quietly, "It's that serious."
XXX
When they reached the farmhouse in Manchester, Josh went to the den to call Matt Santos while Abby met with Leo, Jed and Toby and told them the doctor's diagnosis. The room was silent when Josh walked back in from his phone call.
"It's done," he said to Abby.
Nodding, she indicated for him to take the seat next to her.
"What are you going to do, Josh?" the President asked quietly.
Putting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward, Josh looked at each of them. "You all, Matt Santos, and Dr. Culver are the only ones who know about this. I'd like to keep it that way. The campaign doesn't need to lose any press coverage over this and I don't need to be distracted in the last weeks of the campaign."
"Shouldn't we tell..." Toby started.
"No one." Josh broke in vehemently. "No one needs to know about this. I've told the Congressman the situation. None of the staffers need to know, CJ doesn't need to know, Charlie doesn't need to know."
Abby said softly, "Donna..."
Whipping his head around to look at her, Josh said forcefully, "She absolutely will not know about this. Period."
The room was silent for a moment.
"What are you going to do after the election?" Leo asked, studying the lines in Josh's face that seemed to have gotten much deeper over the course of the weekend.
Josh rubbed his hands over his face and then replied, "I've been getting offers from various places. Think tanks, universities, things like that. I've been blowing them off, but I guess now I'll have to think about them a little bit more seriously."
"Josh..." Toby said quietly.
"I think I'm going to go lie down for a while," Josh said, standing up and cutting off any further conversation. "It's been a long day so far and we've got some more work to do before we go back to Washington."
Nodding to everyone, Josh turned and left the room. They heard his feet slowly going up the stairs to the second floor and then disappearing into the upper part of the house.
The group sat quietly, shocked and stunned at the turn of events that had taken place over the last few days. They all felt drained and much, much older than their years.
Walking over, Abby slid her arms around Jed's shoulders and said softly, to no one in particular, "He'll be ok."
Jed replied, looking out the far window to the pasture outside, "We can only hope."
XXX
Donna looked out over the Seattle night sky as she packed her bags for Wisconsin. The unsettled feeling she had experienced for the last several days lingered and she caught herself, again, reaching for the phone and dialing Josh's number before she hung up.
Sighing, she threw the last item in her bag and zipped it closed. Carrying it to the front door, she set it down so it would be handy early in the morning when the airport limousine picked her up for her flight.
I wonder where he is right now, she thought. What is he doing?
She could picture him shaking hands and managing the Congressman through one meeting into another until the whole day seemed spent in kissing babies and begging for votes. Josh was good at that, managing people. Managing himself, on the other hand...
Donna changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed. Four a.m. came early and she wanted to be ready when she met with the Wisconsin contingent in the morning. Turning off the light by the side of the bed, she burrowed down under the comforter and tried to go to sleep.
XXX
In his bedroom in the Manchester farmhouse, Josh lay with his hands behind his head, studying the ceiling. His conversation with Abby Bartlet from earlier in the day was on constant replay through his head and he couldn't run away from the consequences of today's actions.
They can't tell, Donna. They can't tell, Donna.
That mantra was a constant background to the other conversations of the day that would simply not leave him be.
Four more weeks, he thought. I just have to hold on four more weeks.
Sighing heavily, he rolled over, punched the pillow into shape and tried to fall asleep.
(To be continued.)
