Chapter Thirty Two
A week later, Lily was sitting at the library, pretending to study, but the only thing that consumed her thoughts was James. Overcome with worry, she had this burden, knowing good and well that she loved him, but fighting it every step of the way to save him; his happiness, his life. She had been avoiding him all week, running from class to class, hoping that they wouldn't have any time to have their 'little chat.' At least until she had figured out what she was going to do with him. That kiss, that wonderful kiss that was supposed to help her turn him away, did not help at all like she had hoped. At the moment though, James was at quidditch practice, so she didn't have to worry about--
"Lily?"
She suddenly grinned at the voice behind her. She knew it wasn't James, but the voice was just as familiar and dear to her.
"Remus!" she said, her heart pounding nervously. She was in no way scared of him, but she was very excited to talk to him after their little adventure. "It's so good to see you. Please, sit down." She said pulling a chair out beside her for him to sit it. He looked at her perplexedly as he took the seat. "Okay..."
"How are you feeling? I've been waiting for you to... come back. Are you okay?"
"Uh, well, as all right as I can be, I guess. Are you all right?" he asked her curiously.
"Um, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well considering... everything... I dunno... just listen. I wasn't going to take up much of your time. I just wanted to apologize for everything. If I hurt you in any way, if you were ever scared or in danger and it was my fault, I am sincerely sorry and I hope that some day in the future you can forgive me." Then he stood and began to walk away.
"Wait!" she said as loudly as she could in the library. "Remus, what are you doing? Get back over here and talk to me, you silly goose." Then she covered her mouth as a giggle escaped before lowering her voice. "Or should I say silly wolf?"
Remus did then swiftly walk back to her table and sit down, but looked up curiously at her. "Are you sure you're okay? I mean, did I really hit you hard?"
"Of course I'm fine, Remus. You're acting very strange." she commented.
"Well, I'm not the only one!" he whispered. "You're the one that just found out... what I really am! I'm surprised you're not running for the door in terror, like everyone else in my life has done." he said bitterly. "You're not reacting to me quite like I thought you would. I mean, there's the door, right there, waiting for your exit." Then watched her face grow solemn.
"Remus, how could you even think that of me?" Lily said in an offended tone. "You are my friend, and I am yours. I don't care if you are human or animal, wizard or muggle, black, white, purple, orange - whatever. I care about you and I am a loyal friend, no matter what."
Remus was in a stunned silence, gesturing towards the door. "Door... wide open..."
"Remus, I'm not going to turn you away." she said with a finality in her voice and a smile on her face.
"You're not?"
"No, of course not. Now get over here and look at this Arithmancy book. It's supposed to be hell in the N.E.W.T.S." she said, pointing to the book that she was pretending to study.
With a relieved smile, he walked up behind her and gave her a friendly hug. "And her I was ready to walk away from our friendship."
"Don't you dare, Remus! You're one of my dearest friends, I don't want to think of my life without you." she said, hugging him back.
"Now I know what James sees in you." he said teasingly. But when her smile fell, he sat down beside her and looked up at her carefully.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" she said weakly.
"Oh, I'm not even buying that BS, Lily. What happened to 'You are my friend and I am yours?' No, I'd wager something happened while I was... out?" he said, choosing his words carefully.
"Oh, Remus. I just don't know what I'm going to do with him."
"Why? What happened?"
"We've been through this so many times... I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I love James, there's no doubt about it. But I can't tell him that or I will doom him to an early grave. I couldn't do that to him or anyone, so I'm just going to avoid love at all costs to avoid hurting, and possibly killing, the ones I love the most." She said, fighting the emotion that was thick in her throat. "Do you understand, Remus? Do you understand why I can't give in?"
"I understand, Lily. More than anyone else, I understand perfectly." he said quietly with a smile.
Lily suddenly felt like fifty pound hammer had dropped into the pit of her stomach. She was always running to him and complaining about her problems with love, and here he was, silently putting up with her while he was going through the exact same thing. Full of shame and guilt, she looked at the floor. She would go on forever how she couldn't love without bringing death to those around her, and he was in the exact same predicament.
"Remus, I am so sorry. I didn't even think..." she whispered.
"It's all right, Lily. It's none your fault." he said gently. "I was bit by a werewolf when I was a child, there was nothing anyone could have done. But yes, I too have had to refrain from love. Not only that, but my friends," he said painfully, "I put my friends in danger just by being here... and that scares me."
After a moment of silence, Lily cracked a sad smile. "We're two peas in a pod, we are."
"Yeah, I know. But Lily... I can't help but feel that you and James should be more than..."
"No, Remus. The reason that I became quiet when you mentioned James was because I don't like talking about him." she began to laugh as two tears rolled mirthlessly down her face. "He's such a tease, damnet, and he doesn't even know it. He's the one and only thing I want in life, but he's the very thing I can't have."
"I understand, Lily."
"Remus, I do love him and it's going to kill me to let him go. But I cannot ask him to give up his life for my happiness."
"But what if he was willing?" Remus said softly. After a moment of wiping the tears from her face and regaining composure, she whispered, "That I would be lucky to have a man like that by my side."
"He's planned to be your man for seven years, Lily. I doubt a little prophesy is going to stand in his way." Remus said sardonically.
"Well, what should I do, Remus? I don't want to play with his emotions, I just want to love him but I ... can't."
"Listen, Lily. Just be yourself. Let him know you care, and if he really does love you enough and is willing to risk his life, then so be it."
"Fine, Remus. Fine. But you have to do this with me."
"Huh?"
"If I let James know I care, if I give in to love, then you have to also."
"No, Lily."
"Remus, you -"
"Lily, I don't want some girl to fall in love with me, and then when she finds out I'm... not exactly who she thinks I am, she'll turn and walk out on my heart. I'm not looking for that kind of rejection."
"Well, just pray that the full moon comes while she's PMS-ing." Lily giggled.
"Lily, I'm serious."
"Really? I thought you were Remus."
"Lily, if I give into love, I'll be sentencing some girl to death!"
"And you just want me to sacrifice James, then?"
After Lily and Remus stared each other down, Remus finally looked into her fearful pleading face, then nodded with a small smile.
"All right, Lily. All right." he said. "You give a little and I'll give a little. Deal?" he stuck out his hand, which Lily shook firmly.
"Deal."
---
"Nance?"
She looked up to see a very humble Lily standing beside her. She had been sitting in the Great Hall finishing her dinner when Lily walked up.
"Hey, girl." She said with a friendly smile.
"I can't believe you're still talking to me." she muttered in shock.
"What are you talking about? Come sit with me." Nancy-Alice said, but Lily made no move to sit.
"Listen, I... I know that I haven't been the greatest friend lately. I feel so self-centered and uncaring for just blowing you off these past few weeks, and I wanted to apologize. I feel like I haven't talked to you in ages, and I hardly ever see you. I just feel like such a wretched friend and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."
"Oh, Lily." Nancy-Alice stood and wrapped her friend in a hug, causing tears to surge for both of them.
"I missed spending time with you so much and I realized that I was pulling away from you for some reason. I was being so bloody selfish and worrying about James... but I don't want to lose you. You are my very best friend." Lily muttered through her tears.
"Lily, hush." Nancy Alice said, wiping her own tears. "I thought it was my fault that we hadn't been spending time together, because I was spending too much time with Frank."
"No way do I blame that!" Lily giggled, swallowing her tears. "I fully support that. Which, by the way, I was wondering about. Has any...thing happened?"
"No, I'm sorry to say." Nancy-Alice said disappointedly. "I just... I just like him, Lils. I like being around him, and who I am when I'm with him. Because he makes me want to be better than I am. He makes me feel beautiful and special and... wanted. Not like all the other boys in this school, who only want you to get into your pants. He cares about me, the real me. And that's not something I want to lose right away."
"Well then, I'd say you're pretty lucky." Lily said with an excited smile.
"Yeah, but unfortunately, I don't think he feels the same way."
"What? You're always together, you said it yourself. "Lily argued.
"Yeah, but he's always treating me like his sister, always telling everyone we're 'just friends.' And I'm starting to think that's all we'll ever be, because that's how he wants us to stay."
"Hey, Alice!"
They both turned at the voice and saw Frank standing in the doorway of the Great Hall, motioning her to come with him. Lily looked back at her friend with a raised eyebrow. "Alice?" she questioned with a smile. She couldn't help but notice the pleased smile or rosy color that rose to her face at this.
"Well, he said it's shorter and easier than 'Nancy-Alice' and I didn't want to go back to just 'Nancy.' That girl is a ho-bag if I ever knew one and I want to forget her. I'm not ever going back - I am now Alice." she said firmly.
"I need to personally thank Frank, because I fully approve of this change." Lily smiled. Alice then hugged Lily affectionately. "Thank you, Lily." she said gratefully.
"We'll talk later on tonight." Lily said with a knowing smile.
"Do I look okay?" Alice whispered. With her long brown hair pulled up into a lose ponytail and her lavender eyes sparkling, Lily smiled. "You look great. Good luck!"
Alice grinned at her before turning and walking quickly to greet Frank. She gave him a quick hug and they walked out of the Great Hall hand in hand. Lily couldn't help but feel utter joy for her friend, now that she had finally found happiness in a real relationship, otherwise known as love.
"Oh, that was so..... beautiful!"
Lily turned and smirked at the Marauders who were standing behind her. Remus and Peter were moving to take a seat at the Gryffindor table, but Sirius and James were still standing, looking wistfully at the empty doorway, wiping away fake tears and pretending to cry on each other's shoulder.
"Oh, young love in denial... it's such a bitter sweet thing." Sirius said with a sigh.
"Do you think... Frank and Alice... do you think... they'll get married?!" James squeaked, the they both started jumping up and down, squealing in mock excitement.
"Oh, sit down, you two prats!" Lily laughed. "Do tell me though, is there something going on with them that I don't know?"
"Oh, we know many things about Frank that you don't." James said, leaning into Lily and kissing her quickly on the nose before sitting down beside her. Lily scolded herself for getting excited about his kiss and closeness, but pushed it aside as the conversation continued.
"We do room with him, after all." Remus said.
"All the nights that he talks in his sleep." Sirius said.
"All the affectionate words for Miss 'Alice' like 'I love you' slip out," James said, leaning in Lily's direction again and leering at her. She pushed him away playfully, though his words that thoroughly pleased and disturbed her.
"Oh, yes," Sirius commented. "He's definitely head over heels for that girl."
"But this does qualify as one of the Marauders secrets, Lily." Remus pointed out.
"Yeah, just less life threatening, if anything should happen to slip." Peter said, clutching his leg painfully as he moved it over the bench.
"So I see you're out of the hospital wing, Peter." Lily said pleasantly, filling her plate with food. "I'm really very relieved. I was hoping you would recover quickly. Such wounds I've never seen."
"Ah, it was nothing. No more than usual, anyway." he chuckled, elbowing Remus. "Besides, someone has to keep Moony in line."
"Well, it was a very brave thing that you did. You saved my life." she said humbly.
"Nah, I did what I had to do. We've all saved each other's life one time or another." Peter said, and the other Marauders nodded in agreement as he too began piling food on his plate. "Remus normally gets out of hand anyway. Like that one time-"
Peter's words were suddenly cut off as James reached out and took hold of Peter's right wrist, which was holding a large ladle full of corn over the pot at the moment. Lily thought that James might have been stopping Peter from continuing his story, but the look on his face was that of utter confusion: disappointment, fear, anger... what was wrong with James?
"Damnet, James, let go of me. You're hurting my arm." Peter whined.
"Drop the spoon, Peter."
All the Marauders grew silent and Peter did drop the spoon back into the pot. To James, Peter was always 'Wormy.' Only when there was something seriously wrong did he call him 'Peter.'
"What's wrong, James?" Sirius asked carefully.
"Peter, what the bloody hell is this?" James said scathingly. He turned Peter's forearm upward and pulled back his sleeve to reveal a charcoal colored skull with a snake protruding from its mouth. The sign of the Dark Lord Voldemort, the one that all his followers, the Death Eaters, wore.
Lily gasped.
"No," Remus whispered.
"Peter, you didn't." Sirius said."
"Tell me, damnet!" James said, squeezing Peter's wrist tighter.
Suddenly, Peter began to laugh.
"James, let go of my arm and let me show you." James trusted his friend enough to relent, but reluctantly let go of his arm.
Peter shook his head with a chuckle and lifting his other hand, licked his thumb. Raising his right forearm so the mark faced them, he ran the moist thumb down his arm, smearing it into a horrible mess.
"It gets awful boring in that hospital wing, all alone with no visitors." Peter said pointedly. "I found a quill and ink on the night stand last night and started doodling. You of all people should understand that, James. It's your bloody doodling that got in that hospital wing to begin with."
"Damn, Peter." Remus said in relief.
"You really gave us a scare there, Peter." Sirius said, sitting back in his chair, breathing a sigh of relief.
"Wow. That was intense." Lily chuckled. The rest of them began conversing and eating again, and James also attempted. Though he couldn't help but notice that Peter kept his left arm tucked securely under the table.
---
A/N: Once again, music goes - bum, bum bum!
Enjoy, and I know you're all bitter about less postage, but I still have to type up the 'Grand Finale'....
-promises to type faser when I have the time-
But for now, I leave you with this... thrilling chapter.
-huggles all readers-
Have I told you lately how much I love you guys?
-grin-
