Disclaimer: It's been ages since I last wrote a disclaimer! Hehe! Ahem…No, I don't own it. Ask anyone who knows me, and d'you know what they'll say? They'll say, nope, she doesn't own Red Dwarf. In fact, you can ask people who DON'T know me and they'll still say "er, hello, Red Dwarf is owned by Grant Naylor". Unless they don't watch Red Dwarf in which case you're probably better off asking someone else. Hehe I enjoyed that!
Author's note: I won't spoil the surprise at the end for you. Just RR and enjoy.

Lister entered his apartment and tossed his keys on the side table, missing it completely as always. As he bent down to fish the keys out of the bin, Jim rushed at him. He got up just in time to cover his privates before his son ran straight into them.
"James!" Lister tutted at him. Jim looked down sheepishly; he knew he had done wrong when his dad called him by his proper name. Feeling a pang of guilt, Lister knelt down and ran his hand over Jim's head, "Look, Daddy's had a hard day at work today. I need you and your brother to be really well behaved."
Jim nodded exaggeratedly.
"Good," Lister got up and Jim ran off again almost crashing into his mother.
"Jim, be careful!" Kochanski warned him, but he had already gone. She shook her head and looked up, "Dave!" she exclaimed, "I didn't even hear you come in!" she went over to him and kissed him on the cheek, "How was your day?"
Lister sighed and grumbled, "I don't wanna talk about it."
"That bad?"
"Worse," he accentuated, taking off his hat and hanging it on a peg on the wall.
"Aw," Kochanski hugged her husband, "Well, maybe I can, er…make up for it…?"
"I…I'm not really in the mood."
"Oh," Kris was taken aback. Dave never refused sex. Something was wrong, "Dave, do you…?"
"Want a drink?" He finished, "Yes. Yes I do."
Kris smiled and walked out.

She leaned on the kitchen cabinet and sighed. She had really wanted to say 'Dave, do you want to talk about it?' not offer him a drink. Especially as he had been drinking rather a lot recently. She reached up to the drinks cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whisky and a glass. She pulled out the stopper to the bottle and tipped it up, but it was empty. She sighed and covered her face with her hands.
"Kris? You OK?"
She span round, a smile hastily plastered to her face, "Yes! Fine!"
Lister looked at her suspiciously, but dismissed any wary feelings. He yawned, "I think I'm gonna go to bed."
"But it's only seven thirty!" Kris said checking her watch.
"I know. I…I'm just tired," Lister said already out of the door.

Lister slumped on the bed and hugged a pillow to his chest. Why was he lumbered with this life? A life where he had to fix spaceships to keep his apartment. A life where he'd had to marry prematurely after his girlfriend became pregnant with twins. A life where a man that he was forced to see every day had the most amazing career, charisma and hair known to the universe. Surely there was someone somewhere who was devoid of all these pressures? The phone rang. Lister leapt to answer it; he couldn't risk letting Kris find out about his secret psychotherapist.
"Hello?"
"Spanners? It's Ace, here."
Well, obviously! Lister thought to himself, Ace was the only person who called him Spanners.
"Hi, Ace! A mission, is it?"
"'Fraid so. Another dimension jump job."
"I see. OK, I'll be down right away."
"Good man. Smoke me a kipper; I'll be back for breakfast."
Why did he always end conversations like that?

Author's note: Hehe, you all thought I was talking about OUR Lister, didn't you? Well…I wasn't. Muahahahaha!