~*~Disclaimer=Me no own~*~ I must admit I have fun writing this fic n it'll probably end up being one that just keeps on going until either I or all you lot get bored! Big grins all round!~*~

Lt Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:

Apparently T'Pol is 'concerned' about my ever increasing paranoia since I played all those pranks on people-Damn right I'm paranoid!

The perfect crimes, only not so perfect when everybody in the universe knows it's you but can't prove it so instead they watch you like a hawk and give you the evils everytime something goes wrong.

I will never see Phlox in the same light however; had an extremely scary conversation with him involving the theft of some pink (!) fluffy (!) underwear from somewhere or other and then he asked me if I had seen them. BLOODY HELL! What on earth would I want with his underwear????????? I have enough traumas to run up a fairly heft psychiatrists bill, I don't need anymore!

Trip kindly asked me if I was checking for explosives after he brought me food in the mess hall. Sarky bastard. Didn't put it past him though, when he wasn't looking I had a quick poke around to see if I could find anything in it.

I didn't poke round enough however and began wondering about why it had such an odd taste-you guessed it laxatives. So I've spent the past four hours with the shits with stupid fucking ensigns communicating with me every five fucking minutes asking stupid fucking questions! Honestly, if it wasn't for me the armoury'd go to the dogs!

So I've had a lovely rosy day today, as you can tell. I don't even think I deserved that one, eventually however once my bowel movements had subsided a little I crawled into sickbay to see Phlox, he was treating another crewmember at the time and asked me in a jovial voice: "Have you found my underwear yet?"

OH GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The shame, the humiliation, THE CREEPY ALIEN BASTARD!

Gave the crewmember one of my: 'if-you-say-a-word-I'll-kick-your-arse-from- here-to-next-week' looks. It worked-damn I'm good!

Hoshi isn't speaking to me. Blackmail has adverse affects.

No aliens however, no problems involving the dazzling white smiley ones. I'm bored now. I daren't leave my quarters in case I ain't near enough to a bog. Joyful mental image springs to mind I'm sure.

I am Chief Armoury Officer on board Earths first starship of its kind. I am not afraid of laxative food spiking officers, or creepy, insane medical officer with a pink pant fettish.

Ok maybe I am just a little afraid.

Only a bit though.

~*~Please Review! Oh, little question here: what are 'Bangs?' some sort of explosive across someones hairline? And if it means a fringe then why on earth call a fringe, bangs?~*~