Author's note: This was one hell of a bastard to write, as Liz and Bex will tell you! I spent many an evening whining to them. But they came up with the wild strawberry gag, which a lot of you (in fact, all of you) probably won't get. You had to be there.
Anyway, R&R and ENJOY!
Rimmer was pacing up and down the planet's surface and wearing a noticeable groove in the dust, "This is a nightmare…what are we going to do…this is a nightmare…" he kept repeating to himself. Spanners looked at him from his position fixing the engine.
"You're telling me!" he yelled at the hologram, "I joined you lot so I could escape all this!" he gave a screw one last turn before slamming the compartment door shut, "Start her up, Cat!" he called to the overturned cockpit. A few whiny noises later and Spanners shouted for him to stop. Cat leaned out of the window, "Well, this tin-can ain't goin' anywhere. But we did get a response to the distress beacon."
"We did?" Rimmer asked with glee.
"Yep. Space Corps. dimension jumping craft, two lifesigns, name: Wildfire."
Rimmer and Spanners groaned, "Not him!"
They all gathered in the cockpit to hear Ace's smooth voice transmit over the radio, "Fellas, having a spot of bother at the moment with the old crate," he said with just a hint of panic.
"Well, that's useful isn't it?" Rimmer retorted filling his voice with as much sarcasm as he could possibly muster, "Because we are having a fair bit of trouble as well!"
"OK, Rimmer," Lister said sadly over the radio, "Calm down, you'll have a heart attack."
"What's wrong with you?" Rimmer asked, "You sound depressed," his heart leapt, "are you not happy with Acey-wacey?"
Ace frowned.
"Actually," Lister started, but hesitated before continuing, "…I'm not."
"Well, this is excellent!" Spanners exclaimed, "We can swap back!"
"What?" came several voices at once.
"Are you not happy here, Mr Spanners, sir?" Kryten asked.
"Well…" Spanners started but was interrupted by a low grumble that grew into a not-so-low grumble.
"What the smeg is that?" Rimmer yelled over the top of the noise.
"It's a quake!" Kryten shouted, going into panic-mode.
A huge bang exploded above them and the Wildfire erupted several small fires.
"What the smeg was that?" Lister yelled over the top of the noise.
"One of the engines has gone," Ace shouted, somehow maintaining his cool persona.
"What can I do?" Lister said determinedly.
"Press the small blue button!" Ace hollered instructions. Lister scanned the panel.
"Which one? There are two identical ones!"
"Press the smaller one."
"They're identical! They're about as different as strawberries and wild strawberries!"
"What?" Cat said over the radio confused, "One bites your tongue off?"
"Shut up, Cat!"
"Can I just say one more thing?" Cat asked.
"Oh, fine!"
"Ace, buddy, this may be the last time we get to talk. I mean, neither of us know what's going to happen here. So…I just want to say…I just want to ask you…how do you keep your teeth so shiny bright?"
"Chew gum with extra xylitol, Cat old man," Ace said smoothly, "Keeps your teeth as white as snow, and twice as cool!"
"Thanks!"
"Sorry to barge in on this absolutely fascinating discussion," Spanners said forcefully, "but we've got a few dilemmas here: this planet is extremely unstable, we can't take off, and the Wildfire is about to land on top of us. Any suggestions?"
There was a long silence.
"Great, thanks for that," Spanners said, marching over to the engine and ripping off its cover sending screws and bits of metal flying everywhere, scattering on the planet's moving surface like a demented mosaic.
"What on Io's name are you doing?" Rimmer asked agitatedly, as the quake got worse, "You said yourself we can't fix it."
"Well, there's no harm in trying, is there?"
"That's the Spanners I remember!" Ace said over the radio whilst simultaneously wrestling with Wildfire's controls.
"It's no good, Ace!" Lister yelled over the screeching sirens, "We're locked on this course!"
"Aren't you heading straight for us?" Cat asked the obvious question.
"Yes," Lister gave the obvious answer.
Suddenly, Starbug made some hopeful noises, like little twinges of life. Spanners' body scrunched with tense effort. Rimmer could feel every ache in Spanners' body, every bead of sweat running down his face and it prompted him into a rare moment of heroism, "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes," Spanners said - even his voice sounded under pressure - "Climb…into there…find the main…engine…and…drain it of all…its fuel."
"Right," he went to do so, "Hang on, what?"
"Just do it!"
"But…if we drain it of fuel, how are we supposed to have enough to fly?"
"If we don't," Spanners mimicked, "how are we going to lose enough weight to actually take off. I'm assuming you want to take off."
Rimmer said no more and clambered into the maze of engines. He found the main one and twisted a release wheel with all his might. Neither he or Spanners expected the rush of fuel that swept them both out of the engine decks. It didn't matter, though, because Starbug 2 was ready for lift-off. Which was probably a good thing because Wildfire was ready to crash.
Spanners, Rimmer and Kryten dashed to join Cat in the cockpit.
"Go, go, go, go, go!" Rimmer yelled unnecessarily.
"Shut up, Goal-post Head!" Cat replied.
"GUYS!" Spanners screamed, "It's arguing that got us in this mess in the first place. I suggest we all shut up and get our asses out of here!"
"I second that motion," Kryten said, punching instructions into the navicomp.
Starbug gradually lifted out of the dent it had created when it crashed.
"Thank God!" Lister and Ace said at the same time as they watched the green spacecraft ascend into the big black. Their euphoria was short-lived as the blue planet's smoky mist approached ever faster.
"I'm afraid this could be goodbye, old friend," Ace said. Lister could feel the hot tears streaming down his cheeks. It couldn't be goodbye. Once…just once…Ace had to be wrong…
For the first time in his life, Lister prayed. He didn't know if anyone would hear that prayer. He hoped they would.
As if on cue, the Wildfire juddered to a stop. Lister opened his eyes just to make sure. It was true! They had stopped! The planet in front stood stock still. In fact, it almost looked as if it were going away from them. Lister felt himself being thrust slightly forward. It all became clear; the planet looked like it was going away from them because it was going away from them. Ace punched up and image of outside and saw Starbug's leads attached to the back of the Wildfire - they had saved them! But now it looked as though they were going to crash anyway. The hurtled towards Starbug at record speed. Panicked, the crew of Starbug turned the crate around and started to pelt of in the same direction. This chase continued for some time before Cat, with some skilled piloting, managed to swerve to a hard right. Everyone in Starbug was tossed about in their seats, as were Ace and Lister a few seconds later as they were forced to follow Starbug's trajectory. They span round and round in a circle for as long as they had been chasing each other before both pilots were able to bring their craft to a gradual halt. Everyone sighed with relief and there was a well-received silence.
"I wonder if Holly's OK," Rimmer wondered out loud.
"Someone call?" Holly's image dissolved onto a screen.
"Holly!" Rimmer yelled, "Shouldn't you be navigating Red Dwarf?"
"Nah, I did that ages ago."
"Holly…" Rimmer began his rant, but stopped at the look Spanners gave him, "Er…well done."
Holly was taken aback, "Um, thanks Arnie."
Rimmer smiled, "No problem," he found it so comfortable to compliment Holly on her performance that it was somehow uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and looked away as did Holly.
"So, er, what happened then?" Holly asked.
"Well…" Kryten launched into a twenty minute detailed account of the event.
"So, shall we get back then?" Spanners said meaningfully after Kryten finished.
"Plotting a course for home," Cat said.
"Same here," Ace said through the mic.
Both crafts made their way steadily back to the Dwarf.
A/n: Wah! Can't believe there's only one more chapter to go! A BIG BIG BIG thank you to Sunrise over the Tango Factory (Bex) and Raging Tree Trunk (Liz) For all their help with this chapter! I wuv u guys!
