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LT Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:

First the good news:

ALL HEALED!!! HURRAH!!! No more bloody visits to Phlox!

Now the bad news:

Asked Hoshi to movie night and I use ask in its loosest term because it came out as:

"Wannagomovwivme?"

Thank god that gorgeous woman is a linguist she took a moment to translate it then nodded and said yes.

Alright it was so far so good.

Nearly had a nervous breakdown over what to wear, should I take her something etc etc.

Eventually got dressed went to pick her up and went to movie night-ok everything was going to plan so far.

Operation Don't-make-a-bloody-prat-of-myself was going smoothly.

Then I suddenly realised I hadn't bothered to check which film was showing.

It was Calendar Girls. Have you ever seen Calendar Girls?

No of course not you're a computer!

Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.

Shut the fuck up.

Maddie forced me to watch it with her when we were younger.

My mother was in the W.I and all I could see while I was watching it was my mother.

Urgh the mental images....................not nice.

So naturally I was feeling uncomfortable and thanking God I could shut my eyes and not watch the nude parts when Hoshi leans against me.

Horrible dilemma over what to do next, put my arm round her and wished it didn't feel so much like a piece of wood.

When it was finally over I walked her back to her quarters.

"It's a good idea you know," she comments suddenly.

"What?" I ask like a fool-goofy grin an all.

"Doing a nude calendar to raise awareness."

I remained silent.

"Enterprise should do a calendar like that," she pondered.

I tried to control myself as a mental image of Hoshi and T'Pol popped into my head before being replaced by one of Phlox.

"Even Phlox?" I asked trying to keep myself in check.

"Perhaps not...................."

So anyway we got to her quarters and said goodnight.

Not before she asked me:

"You'd do it though wouldn't you Malcolm?"

Then it was a whole life flashed before my eyes scenario. I scarped but I think in my utter shock I might've said yes.

Fuck fuck fucketty fucking bollocks shit bugger damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should have

STUPID FUCKING BASTARD tattooed on my forehead.

Still she has to get permission from Archer and he won't agree...............................................................will he?

I don't want to get my wedding tackle out for the world to see! I don't want the world to see me! Not if I'm stood next to Trip or Travis! I'll look like the little English ponce from wankerville if I'm next to them!!!!!!!!!!

I am so screwed.

Bugger.

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