0000 Disclaimerme no own 000 Thanks for the reviews!! Erm, not much to say so on with the story!! 0000

Lieutenant Malcolm Reed: The Bugger Files:

Well they found me-eventually. Not until after the guard had beaten me to a bloody pulp naturally.

Still, it did get me out of jail. Not that I deserved to go through all this pain and suffering in the first place but that's just life. I'm like an ant beneath a kid's magnifying glass and he just keeps trying to set me on fire.

On the plus side before I passed out I had Hoshi bending over me looking all gorgeous and concerned, however my happy thoughts were quickly washed away when I came too with Phlox about a inch away from my face.

Which scared the b'Jesus outta me!

Now, I'm confined to sickbay and I'm still blue but at least I can't really see my skin anymore due to Phlox's expertly tight bandaging which while it's soaking up whatever that radioactive yellow looking stuff is it's also making my skin feel like its on fire.

But at least he hasn't used any creatures on me, which is always a HUGE plus.

The bad thing is Hoshi came to see me and I think all I managed to say was vowel sounds. I've really got to learn to control this not-being-able-to-speak-because-she's-so-damned-hot thing, I mean I've faced down aliens, shot things, been pinned to Enterprise's hull, nearly died of hypothermia while drunk, made it out of alien jails and survived everyone's practical jokes and revenge attacks, so really talking to her should be nothing compared to that.

Mind you, because I'm bitter, twisted and bright blue I'm guilt tripping Archer because he left me down on the planet so that 'diplomatic relations wouldn't suffer'

SCREW DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS!!!

I'm getting so pissed off with Archer's decisions: agreeing to that stupid calendar, letting me turn blue on that stupid fucking planet!

It just feels like I'm being punished! For something that I didn't deserve!! (Or at least I can't remember if I deserve it or not but that's not the point!)

Trip has been coming to see me quite a lot, bringing me my paperwork because there is no way in hell I'm leaving it till I'm back on duty. Mind you he also keeps trying to slip his own paperwork in. So one time I took it and very carefully wrote:

Hello my name is Trip and today I'm going to learn how to write my own paperwork.

Step one: Pick up a pad

Step two: Fill it in.

Step three: Hand it in.

Step four: Don't even bother giving it to your British friend because surely the Captain will question why you've spelt color, colour.

Still Trip laughed when he read it and we had a good old joke about it, which was good because laughing is better than sarcasm as Phlox so kindly pointed out sarcasm is a form of anger, I thought it was the lowest form of wit but you have to listen to the guy with a million qualifications don't you? Especially when he's waving round a lethal looking hypospray?

However after Trip left Hoshi appeared and asked if I was still ok to do the calendar after I got better.

I had an out right there! I could've said no and looked all injured and pathetic but I said yes.

And on the day the word 'moron' was redefined we all stood in awe and watched.

Bugger.