000 If I owned this lets just say I wouldn't be sat with a huge pile of coursework at my side 000 Thanks for all the reviews! I wrote this in between breakdowns of a coursework style nature and droolage over the latest series (and last sob!) of Enterprise 'cause I needed to project a certain level of loopyness into something. Hee hee, so read on and enjoy! 000

Lt Malcolm Reed-The Bugger Files:

Due to having no life and nothing better to do I reviewed all my logs from the past year.

And wouldn't ya know, absolutely nothing has changed.

Except my skin is now a whole other shade altogether. Blue. Bright sodding blue.

If I was looking at the bright side I'd be thinking that at least if I ever get the sudden unavoidable urge to strip and run round the ship nude, (and if I get this desire I will lie down and wait for it to fuck off!) I'll at least blend in with everyone's uniforms.

Told Hoshi I couldn't do the calendar………

Ok I haven't exactly told her yet but I've been practising, listen:

Hoshi. I'm afraid I can't do the calendar because even though I'm on sick leave with -what you would think- plenty of time on my hands, I've got to rearrange my wardrobe in order of date of purchase.

It's either that or:

Hoshi, I would rather see Phlox in the nude and risk permanent mental damage rather than strip off for a calendar that has no purpose.

Maybe I should work on this a while longer.

Anyway, back to the round up of this year.

The dazzling white smiley ones still take every opportunity to get captured/tortured/shagged…………yes I went there. They seem to get a woman on every planet we go to and me?

Well lets put it this way, I have more physical contact with my phase pistol than I do with members of the female persuasion. Which, lets face it, is just pathetic.

I have made progress in saving the day though, I've worked out I've spent a higher percentage of my time on sick leave or in sickbay than I have blowing the shit out of something.

No progress has been made in the whole Hoshi situation, in fact I seem to have gone backwards.

I sure that most people aboard think I have the personality of a brick wall. However, now there's the added novelty value of me looking like a smurf.

I won't look like one for much longer though! Phlox has devised something that's returning me to my normal colour.

The only negative drawback of this is I've been having………frankly disturbing dreams.

They start off normally, me the latest 007, T'Pol as Miss Moneypenny, Hoshi as the Bond Girl, Travis as the unlikely enemy, Trip as Q and Phlox being the bad guy number two. Yeah that's normal. Trust me.

Then it just got weird, I went into the office expecting to see Judy Dench as M but instead I get Archer.

In a dress.

With heels.

And 'barely there' make-up.

In my dream I run fighting the urge to scream like a little girl and run straight into Trip. Who is inexplicably now James Bond.

And who is simply butchering the English language in ways I thought previously unattainable.

And who am I?

00-pissing-6.

I don't know how I managed to turn myself into a 6ft blonde haired Yorkshireman in Trip's eyes but I managed it.

At this point I got slightly alarmed as I remembered that 006 was killed by James Bond at the end of the film. But thankfully managed to wake up before Trip got down and dirty with Bond girl Hoshi.

So, the medication is screwing with my subconscious, which is, quite frankly fucked up enough already and the mental image of Archer in a dress was not a mental scar I would ever have wanted. Ever.

It's not fair, even my own brain is against me and how can I possibly win against such genius?

0000 Review please! 0000