Yeah, it's a miracle….here it is…Oh and Buffy don't belong to me blah de blah see first chapter for disclaimer, I've borrowed a couple of lines, pretty obvious which ones…

7. Reflections and Repercussions – Part 1 Scattered Pieces

This is fun, I missed fun; I thought as I vegged on the couch, Willow on one side, Xander on the other, watching some foreign movie which was in all honesty completely unexplainable; but still fun.

Why is it, things can never be this simple all the time? Here and now there's great friends, fun times, no worries.

Well, no worries that don't end at the door. I'll leave them out there thank you very much, and wish I really could leave them for good.

But hey, that's not my gig right?

One girl

Chosen

Always

Fighting

Yeah, fight and die, fight and die.

Alone

And there it is; alone. Why is it, no matter how much fun I'm having, or how many friends or guides I have around me, I walk alone.

How fucking depressing. Seems I can't even go a couple of hours without wallowing.

Strange sometimes I am ok, even fairly ok with who I am. It's me, and my destiny; I have a real purpose, I can make a difference. But then there are the other times, the times I would gladly run and never look back, because there's part of me that wants to fight who I am, the slayer. The fire in me, always fighting; but oddly part of the slayer too, the fire is the slayer. There's a paradox for ya.

We say goodnight at some silly hour, but since there's no school in the morning mom doesn't seem to mind a sleepover in the living room. It's hard to believe I've been here barely 2 months, I feel like we've always lived here, and part of me feels older than 16 still. I know too much, and can't even share what I know with my best friends. Giles said he didn't think it was advantageous at this juncture, too British for words but also right I guess. It's too much right now, they've just been clued in on the whole vampires and demons angle, maybe they wouldn't be able to handle this as well? I dunno, maybe I underestimate them, I know I have done, oh damn it, I mean, I know I will do in the future.

Things are brewing, I can feel it, and it sure as heck doesn't feel right. My spider sense is tingling and all I want to do is enjoy a cool evening with my friends without worrying over it, without wallowing in my own self doubt self pity, and the knowledge that I have, acquired.

Is that selfish? I don't really care, this is me, can hardly change now, but I know who I am when everything comes down to it. I am the slayer, I will fight, I will die, I may even return from the dead, but I'm fucked if I know what's gonna happen, and what I can do with what I know. Maybe nothing, I guess I'll see.

Slayer insomnia sucks.

'Hey Giles' He looked up from his desk, barely registering my presence, certainly not the tea he was about to spill on his lap he was so distracted. Something was up, and it was more than just Monday morning blues.

'Hey wakey wakey Giles,' I say, grabbing the cup and managing to save him from a very sore leg, 'cept for a couple of drops.

'Oh thank you Buffy, I really should be more careful.' He tusked to himself getting up but obviously not wanting to tear himself away from the book he had been reading.

'Something I should know about?' He turned attempting a reassuring smile.

'No, no, nothing to worry about. Not yet anyway,'

'Spill Giles, you can't not tell me, there's obviously something going on, you must be the worlds worst bluffer,' His stance told me he was still unsure, tense. He pursed his lips, knowing I wouldn't let him get away with saying nothing.

'There are signs Buffy, things are happening sooner than we thought,' I sighed,

'There are always signs Giles, what do these say?'

'That a great evil is coming, soon' I rolled my eyes,

'When is there not a great evil coming?'

'Buffy, this is serious…'

'Hey you don't need to tell me Giles, I know how serious thanks, too well actually.' I was going to have to deal sooner rather than later, I don't even know if I should tell him? 'Do you think it's the Master?'

'Very possibly,'

'Then we'll deal, same as ever, I gotta book Giles, got class, see ya later.'

He looked after her; there was definitely something she hadn't told him, and it was bothering her, while her skills at bluffing were a lot better than his, he could still read her better than she thought. Well, at least that was one good thing, they had developed an understanding of each other so quickly it made it easier to work together, and he thought with a wry smile, easier to read her when she wasn't telling him everything.

I'd arrived at Biology a little late but Mr Gregory was letting it go. He was a cool teacher, didn't think I was the loser the others had pegged me as, and also it was probably a little gratitude from when I'd saved his life from that Preying Mantis bug woman a few weeks back. Eugh yuck, thinking about it just makes my skin crawl, what she would have done, but it had been an easy job, bit of bat sonar and a big ol sword, swipe, slash and she was gone, not before Mr Gregory had realised what was going on though, and thus his grateful attitude. It doesn't mean I can slack off on my homework though; he'd made that very clear.

Willow was whispering what I'd missed in the first 10 minutes, something about the valves of the heart. But I wasn't really listening, old habits die hard, thing is I vaguely remember this, how weird is that? I remember learning stuff I've never actually learnt, oooo headache ville here I come. A wandering mind is just too easy in class, looking around at least half the class has that glazed eyes far off expression. I might as well join them.

Like I don't think too much already? Ok, well I do think too much about everything, what is gonna happen what isn't what might be and what has happened so far. I over analyse things to the nth degree so much so that I know I could have done better in that psyche class in college. And there it goes again, I've never took that class.

Well I guess at least some good has come of what I know, I feel the pull of sinking thoughts as my mind considers Jesse, but refuse to let it. Done enough depressing self-pitying there thanks, I know I can do good and make a difference, well sometimes; I know I already have, but I've got a long way to go.

First off, well the cheerleader witch thing was funny, not sure what happened to Amy's mom but it's all good now, well I guess at least until Amy takes up the art herself, better watch her, there's a side of Amy that I don't want to see and don't want others to see, namely Willow. It's difficult looking at Willow now, sweet sensitive Willow, and knowing she has such terrible potential in her.

Then there was Marcie to deal with, since I knew she'd been 'gone' for a while, as it turned out it wasn't as difficult as I had thought. All it was, was simply knowing she was there; wanting to help her, and she came out of it herself, guess she hadn't been that far gone after all. Not psycho anyway, probably needs some major therapy but she seems pretty happy. We see her around, and I have her promise that she won't share my secret with the student body, I think she means it.

Then there was Owen. Lovely cute Owen and it's monumentally unfair that it would never work but that's just how it is. Normal life isn't fair so why should mine be? Giles is far more important anyway, I couldn't let him go it alone at the mortuary, though I don't know what he was thinking; still, very heroic and brave for the tweed guy.

The Hyena thing had been funny too. I shouldn't laugh really, I suppose it was good that Xander hadn't been among them but the memory of that was still funny, and also a plus was that they didn't eat that poor little pig, or Principal Flutie for that matter.

And then there was Angel.

Angel

My wonderings were interrupted by the bell.

'Homework is to read chapters 10 and 11 and answer the questions at the end, you too Miss Summers,' I glanced at Mr Gregory, feeling very guilty, he was the teacher that believed in me and I couldn't even muster the will to listen in class. Ah well, at least I manage to do my homework these days.

'What were you thinking about?' Willow asked on the way to English, 'Or was it someone?' A sly smile appearing on her features.

'What did I miss? Someone? Who someone?' Xander asked looking around a bit peeved for not knowing, as if he might spot the answer in the hallway.

'Angel'

'Yeah, some of it anyway'

'Star crossed, it's so romantic really, in a twisted dark kind of way' she added, looking to me for more details.

'Yeah it is, but that's all it is. Just a silly romantic thing'

'You know it's not' Willow didn't miss anything, and I hadn't even told them everything, because I can't, just the bare essentials. Vampire, tortured soul, tortured love? It's funny really because I've barely seen Angel, my feelings are from before and I guess love doesn't have time limits, doesn't matter if I've seen him once or a hundred times, I know I'm already drawn to him, one reason I'm trying to stay clear.

It's so hard, we knew it couldn't be anything, we know it can't be, but I really do know it can never be anything, in a way no one else is gonna understand. When I told Giles about Angel loosing his soul I didn't say exactly how it happens and just said that it wouldn't happen this time. Suppose will have to face up to it eventually, but it's hard, I do love him, I just know too much to be head over heels right now.

My musings were put on hold for most of my classes for the rest of the day. I figure that actually doing some work isn't going to kill me, besides I know I can and this way mom doesn't have a fit from getting phone calls from the principal or something.

She was home when I got in after school; I didn't have training tonight as Giles had agreed to keep training this week for the weekend. Keeping my secret and keeping mom happy was more important right now.

'Hi honey, did you have a good day?' She asked as I went to join her in the kitchen.

'Yeah not bad, I'm going out, is that ok?' She seemed to consider but I knew she'd let me, my reward for actually asking and 'behaving', huh, if she only knew. No, that was a bad idea, she wouldn't be able to deal with it yet, and I wonder if she ever will.

'Yeah that's ok Buffy, be home for 12 though.'

'Done' and with that I went to see what I had to wear.

I had missed her so much, having her around was amazing, the nagging thoughts in the back of mind stayed there for now, I was gonna try not to worry.

The truth was too horrible to think about. And a part of me wished I had never looked for info about aneurysms. To be honest I was searching for something I knew wasn't there; someway to stop it. But it doesn't exist; aneurysms are like mines in the brain, virtually undetectable and often fatal; can strike at any time of life, sometimes they don't even have symptoms and even the test for them is so difficult that it isn't done very often as that can trigger one.

It was despairing; heartbreaking. I didn't know what to do, maybe I should tell Giles, at least then I could share the terrible burden.

In truth, the one person I wanted to tell, to run to was Angel, ever since he'd been in this house and I'd bandaged his wound from our run in with the 'Three', something I really didn't see the point in preventing, not like anything major had happened. I knew it was there. The connection between us, it had been almost painful, like a stab to the heart. I'd looked into his eyes and seen him, known him, our lips had barely touched when we heard my mom moving about upstairs and he'd made a swift exit. Not before looking at me again with those big tortured brown eyes. I shiver just thinking about it.

It's never gonna be more than stolen moments.

How the hell am I going to stay away from him?

Simple Buffy, just remember what Angelus was like and I'm sure you'll manage to keep your knickers on.

Yeah, still love him though, or part of me does.

My walk to the Bronze was quiet, no stalkers tonight. As it turned out my stalker were already there when I arrived. His presence was so distracting I forgot what I was saying to Xander and Willow more than once.

'Just go over there already' Xander said suddenly, giving him a questioning look he continued, 'Well until you talk to him he's not gonna leave is he?'

He looked so hot, I better not linger.

'Hey'

'Hey'

'Your side feel ok now?' Well it was easier to verbalise than 'I love you but can't sleep with you cos you'll go all evil.'

'It's fine, vampire healing'

'Right,'

'Buffy…' He started, looking at me so intently I knew I had to, leaning in, his lips brushed mine with a soft and uncertain passion. The kiss deepened quickly. Oh hell, this can' happen. I broke away, wanting to scream at the injustice of the world, of this.

'This can never be anything.' I said, trying to concentrate on his eyes and not his miraculous mouth, trying to communicate the seriousness of my statement to him.

'I know' was his reply; I shook my head, backing away a little more with each moment.

'No, you don't, you really don't' Turning I walked back to my friends, resisting the urge to flee the short distance home and cry myself to sleep.

We spent a few depressing minutes just thinking on things, until I decided to snap out of it. Yeah so Angel and I could never be together, well not without some miracle or something but it didn't mean I was dead right? Honestly, sometimes I surprise myself with how much I can feel sorry for myself.

'Come on guys.' I said suddenly, practically jumping up off my seat while Xander and Willow looked at me a bit taken aback.

'You ok Buffy?' Willow asked uncertainly,

'Totally fine Will, can't sit around all night moping right, let's dance,' I replied grabbing her hand and leading her across to the dance floor, well dragging would be more accurate, 'You too Xander,' He practically bounded up to us, starting to 'boogie' to what was probably the rhythm in his head as it sure wasn't the one the band was playing to. Down boy, he was just too keen for his own good, poor sweet Xander; I better not let him get his hopes up. As cute and Xander'y as he is, even if I loved him that way I don't think I could ever do that to Willow. At least not while she's still in love with him, and probably not while she's still in the proverbial Wicca lesbian closet.

We proceeded to dance away what crappiness had been lingering and had a great time, so good a time I almost forgot Angel's continued presence in the corner of the club; almost. Damn, time to go before I start thinking again.

I got in after walking Willow and Xander home and after a very quick sweep of the nearest graveyard. Not much action but enough to scratch the slayer itch, fighting itch that is, and enough to keep him off my mind. Fairly wiped out I fell into a restless sleep.

The moonlight shone in my bedroom window, casting an uneasy light on the floor. Something was wrong.

I sat bolt upright in bed. Not disturbed by something around me, but by something inside me, my dreams. I can't even get a decent night sleep. 'You don't need sleep' came the response from somewhere in my head. Shut up! I need some, but I hate this. Giles is right, something isn't right, it's coming sooner than we thought but why? I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on what was left of the dream……images, vampires, screaming, the master, water, my breath…gone, and, I opened my eyes in alarm, hearing the words in my head, 'Home, sweet home' uttered by a bleached blonde vampire as he flicked a cigarette to the ground.

Oh shit.

Tbc…