We mean no offense by this chapter. So we apologize ahead of time if any is taken. But again, we mean no offense at all; it just seemed to be what we needed.

Emily and Tracee


Frodo arrived ahead of the rest of the party. He waited for them, watching the children play on the lawn in front of the forest, wishing that he, too, was married to a wonderful woman and had many children, like Sam.

A strange-looking man approached Frodo. At first Frodo thought him to be a drug-dealer. So he began to think of ways he could defeat this evil man. He had survived the Ring, so he could definitely handle this.

"Hey are you Frodo?" the man asked.

"Yes," Frodo replied. Finally, someone who recognized his greatness.

"Man, the way you defeated Gollum in that cave and those Trolls! Wow! You're strong."

"Uh… That was Bilbo."

"Oh, yeah! I remember! You're the Ring-bearer. The one who almost failed."

Frodo nodded, considering it was enough. "Would you like an autograph?"

"Nah, just the presence of your company is enough for me," the man said. "Name's Wayne. So how is your boy Sam doing?"

"Oh, he's happily married with thirteen kids."

"Congratulations," the man said, and began to shake Frodo's hand.

"Um… I said Sam was married, not me."

"So you two didn't…."

The others finally arrived, running to where Frodo was seated.

"Well, if Sam didn't appreciate you I will. How would you feel about a date?"

"With who?" Frodo looked to see if Wayne had a sister nearby.

"Me, of course, silly."

Frodo was confused.

Just then his friends finally were close enough to see what was happening.

"Leave the hobbit alone, fairy." Luke said in a very jerky and mean way.

"You're a fairy?" Frodo asked.

"Yes" replied Wayne.

"You don't look like one; where are your wings?" Frodo asked.

"Frodo, you idiot." Ender said. "Not that kind of fairy."

"There is another kind?" Frodo asked.

"Yes, Wayne… is gay."

"Huh? He is happy. Good for him."

"No, He likes you Frodo, Like you like girls."

"What do you mean likes me… " Frodo gasped at the realization. "Oh!"

Wayne blew him a kiss. "So since you and Sam are no longer an Item, I was wondering if you are available."

"He is with me," Susan put an arm around the hobbit and then proceeded to French him.

Frodo was confused but happy. Someone loved him.

Wayne shrugged. "Well, if you're going to be like that, give me all your money." He pulled out a revolver.

The heroes paid out.

Wayne ran off to find a McDonalds; he had finally scrounged up enough cash for a Big Mac. The heroes were left bewildered.

Once he was out of sight, Susan pushed Frodo to the ground. "I prefer real men, like Jake," she growled. At which point Jake decided it was time to scout. "Don't think I will always bail you out. It's your own fault everyone thinks you're gay."

"And it's Luke's fault he kissed his sister," Rand said.

"Oh, shut up, this coming from the guy who is, for all intents and purposes, married to his to his mother's step-daughter," Luke snapped.

"That's different" Rand said. "We are not blood related, AT ALL!"

"How do you know?" Ender said.

Susan snickered.

"Its possible," Jake said. "We have two members that are related that are different species."

"Let's move on guys; it's starting to get late," Edmund said.

Jim nodded in agreement. He had slept through most of the discussion since arriving and had just re-awoken.

"The gate to the woods is up there next to the Golf Course," Harry said. "I bet we can get Hagrid to let us in if he knows our mission."

The heroes traveled the short distance to Hagrid's guard shack.

"Hagrid!" Harry whined. "We need to get into the forest on Gandalf's orders. Can you unlock the gate."

"Well, Harry, le,me check with the old man 'imself." Hagrid pulled out a tiny pink cell phone.

Ender nudged Jim and mouthed "it's pink". Jim snickered.

Susan scowled. "I like pink and so does Edmund. Besides, I also like Hagrid so be nice."

Hagrid of course, was to busy getting his phone to work.

"Gandalf, yeah, I got some runts 'dre who think they need t' go into the forest on a mission or quest er whatever. D'ya want me t' let 'em in… Uhhuh…yeah, alright, I'll tell 'em." Hagrid hung up the phone.

Rand and Luke scowled, "Runts." They shook their heads in amazement, Frodo of course was used to it by now.

"The enswer is no, Gandalf says if ya wan' in, do it yerself. Besides. I'm off-duty right now, an' don't give a crap 'bout what happens to yer quest," Hagrid said, and promptly sent them on their way.

The heroes slumped away sadly.

"Hey, there's no fence," Edmund said. He walked over to the forest next to a light pole. "Look I am on one side, I am on the other side, now I am in and now I am not," He sang while jumping across the non-existent forest border.

" I wouldn't do that… " Harry said. "Bad things happen when you go into the woods."

"Like what?" Edmund asked, mocking Harry's caution.

"Like getting transported into magical dimensions, meeting wrinkly green men, and being chased by spiders. Really Forbidden Forests are foreboding for a reason."

"That only happens when you go through closests," Edmund said. At which point the boy charged into the woods yelling "Naaaaarniaaaah!" at the top of his lungs. Frodo followed promptly screaming "For the SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE" Rand shrugged and duplicated the act. The rest walked in quietly. Jim started humming "fifteen men on a dead mans chest…" Susan shivered as she walked in and Harry tentatively followed her.

After a few minutes in the old creepy noisy woods, when the group had finally calmed and quieted, they heard a rustling nearby. A bush shook violently, and they all took aim with their weapons. Susan pointed her bow at the bush, Harry his wand, Ender and Jim their guns, Jake became a Boar, and Frodo pulled out sting, Edmund and Rand their sword, and Luke his Lightsaber.

"The wolf. Ready everybody?" Rand said. He held up three fingers. One two three. "Fire!"

They all charged or fired at the bush but only Harry's wand found the mark.

A moment later, a Unicorn staggered blindly out of the bushes, blood foaming from her mouth as she gasped for her final breath.

"No!" Harry cried. "I didn't mean to."

The Unicorn fell with heavy thud and several final twitches. And the forest began to rapidly die around them. Heavy silence fell over the group.

"Oops," Rand said. "Sorry, false alarm."

"False alarm, I killed a Unicorn!" Harry sobbed. "I may as well find a rock, tie it to my legs, and jump into a river."

Frodo curled up into the fetal position and began to suck his thumb.

Susan wept loudly. Edmund, however, drowned her out with his own weeping. "Now Aslan won't let us into Narnia now."

"He wouldn't let me back in, anyway," muttered Susan.

"You fools!" A prince came running out of the trees. "She was the Last! I, Prince Lear, shall vanquish you fools for this mistake! You have killed my girlfriend!"

Everyone pointed at Harry. "His fault," they said almost in unison.

"I have been stalking her for weeks now. Would that I had not taken a potty break, for this would not have happened." The prince sighed. "You must die, Harry Potter."

"Would you toy with a wizard" Susan asked. Lear looked at Harry in disbelief.

"Him, A wizard?"

"Yes, I am a wizard," Harry said, pretending like he was Dumbledore. He knew what Susan was trying to do.

"Then, wizard, I will find you when I have found a wizard champion to face you. Till then, you murderer!" Prince Lear leapt away dashingly.

There was a slurping noise. They all looked at the Unicorn. Voldemort was siphoning the Unicorn's blood with a hose into a bottle in a brown paper bag.

"What?" he asked. "An evil wizard's gotta right to live to you know."

Jim ran up to him and kicked him in the shin.

"Fine, I'll leave then. Say, Harry, you sure you don't want to be a Death Eater? It's not just any wizard who can kill a Unicorn in just one shot."

"Let me join!" Ender shouted.

"Me too!" said Edmund.

"We don't accept Muggles," Voldemort stated flatly. "Although for Ender we might make an exception. Oh, well."

Edmund murmured about being an outcast and unliked even by the bad guys.

Harry scowled at all three of them. Voldemort took one look at Harry and decided it was time to run. "Till next time, Potter!" And then he disappeared.

Harry stared at the now-decomposing Unicorn and moaned. Susan was now glaring at him.

"What about the wolf?" asked Luke.

Frodo kicked the unicorn. "Won't this work?"

"No," said Rand. "Gandalf specifically asked for a wolf. And you never know how those high fantasy wizard gurus will act when you kill a mystical beast."

Harry fell to the ground, once again sobbing. Ender just laughed. "The Unicorn had to die. Say, why doesn't Jake turn into a wolf and we'll kill him…"

"No," said Jake. "Gandalf asked for Red Riding Hood's wolf, you stupid. And she's up there."

He pointed up the path, where the forest was not yet dying, to where a cute little girl about the age of seven stood above the dead body of a wolf. Indeed, her hood was red, but it seemed to be mostly from blood.

She glared at the heroes as they approached. "What? You boys wanna walk me home, too? Huh?" She jabbed her knife towards them.

Ender laughed again. She was kinda cute.

"Hey," said Susan. "Can we have that wolf?"

Little Red Riding Hood looked at Susan, then at the wolf. "How much will ya give me?"

"But Wayne stole all our money," Frodo whined.

"We can always give her Harry," Jim said.

Harry gasped in horror. "No thank-you."

"What?" said Red Riding Hood. "I ain't cute enough for ya?"

"No," replied Harry. "Just not worthy of such greatness."

Unfortunately Red Riding Hood was still wielding the knife. But she didn't attack, only sighed. "Tell ya what. Any of ya got any jewelry?"

Everyone stared at Jim.

"What?" he asked.

"Come on, we all you know stole crap from the treasure," Rand said.

Jim sighed and pulled a tiara out from under his hat and tossed it at Red Riding Hood's feet.

"Yay!" She skipped away.

"A tiara, huh?" said Jake, smirking.

Ender laughed.

"Shut up," said Jim. "It was all I could get."

"Sure," smirked Edmund. "When I was ruling Narnia, I wore tiaras all the time."

The sarcasm was evident, until Susan nodded enthusiastically. "He really did!"

Edmund sighed, regretting he had spoken. "Let's just take this all back to Yoda. And we can stop at the bookstore on the way."


Meanwhile, back at the ranch where Yoda's fear group was having their late-night meeting for the benefit of Mr. Jonathan Harker, who had been having nightmares since that fateful trip to Transylvania and had recently spent his family fortune on nightlights. Yoda felt that spending a night with a group in the dark would be good for him. Besides, it gave him an opportunity to buy those nifty glow sticks.

"For your comments, Jonathan, thank you," Yoda said as Jonathan rejoined the group, who were currently making s'mores. "Neville Longbottom, would you like to go next?"

The other group members smiled encouragingly at Neville, who shyly climbed to his feet. "Sure, I guess. Let's see, what I'm afraid of. Well, I know I should be afraid of the fact that I was once part of the prophesy to defeat the Dark Lord and there is a big chance that opportunity may still fall upon me and result in my horrible death, but that's not it. Ever since I came to Hogwarts, I've had this teacher. This horrible, evil, mean teacher who isn't nice. He scares me so bad that I can't even do anything right anymore! People think I'm a squib, and I'm not! I just get the shakes every time I see Professor Snape, and I can't concentrate. I know I could do so well if it weren't for him…"

Yoda nodded. "Arrange a student/teacher conference, we will! Come to some sort of agreement, yes. Professor Snape in one of my other therapy groups I have. Bad case of jealousy, that one. But meet we will. Feelings share. With this idea how are you?"

Neville stared hard at Yoda, summoning all the bravery he could. "I'm not afraid," he squeaked.

"You will be."


That same night, our heroes staggered into the community center with a dead, rigormortis wolf and a copy of The Grapes of Wrath.

"Yoda!" Edmund called. "Where are you?"

There was no one.

So they left the stuff in the classroom and went home for the night, promising to reunite the following morning at precisely 8: 26 AM.

Frodo found the fear group at the ranch and spent the night with them, where he was mercilessly teased for being homeless.


SHOUT OUTS!

Alia Kenobi: Sorry about that. But your reply did make us laugh.

amieken: I think your theory about Yoda and Dorcas is very likely.

Frosty Pickle Juice: Well, it okay to have issues! Thanks!

Hollia: Schmendrick will definitely have to make an appearance.

hydraspit: Thanks! It's okay to be nerdy, we are.

Krenya: Yes, I the Dorcas/Yoda thing is very disturbing. But prove that something happened!

Lady Meriadoc: Wow! Thanks for agreeing with us about "Ethan Frome."

Lori: Aren't you the creative writing major? Thanks so much!

v-babe24: You are not allowed to talk like Yoda! Does rod n' reel But you are allowed to do that.