Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Ed, Edd, n' Eddy. I also don't get any money from any of the songs or bands mentioned, 'cause if I did I'd probably be filthy rich right now. I only own my character, Christian.
Now that the annoying disclaimer rambling's over, I can get on to chapter 8!
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Chapter 8: Smoke, Drunks, and Rock n' Roll
"Ed! Wake up, you idiot!"
"Huh?"
Ed lazily slid his eyes open, noticing Eddy standing beside him, tapping his foot and glaring impatiently at him.
"Oh, hiya Eddy!" Ed greeted his friend.
"Yeah, hey Ed. C'mon Mullet, you gotta help me move my drums down here before the others show up." Eddy said.
Ed nodded and rolled out of bed to help his friend move his percussion equipment down the stairs. 'The Mulleted One' had been practicing for the gig nonstop both during and after rehearsals, making sure he could play all the songs to perfection. The excitement of the gig at the 5-hole Tavern, which was now only a day away, had kept him awake as well, which was why Eddy had to wake him.
"Hey Ed, check this out." Eddy said, shoving a piece of paper in Ed's face, "I made us some fliers to hang up around the neighborhood to advertise for our gig tomorrow."
Ed studied the paper slowly. The words "Come one, Come all" were typed across the top of the page with huge, tacky word art letters. Underneath the word art, Eddy had typed a small blurb:
Tomorrow night at 9:00, the best damn metal band in the 'sac, EDTALLICA, will be putting on a show at the 5-hole Tavern in Toronto, Ontario. All are welcome…for a nominal fee of $6.00. Don't miss out on the historical first show, come bang your 'eds with EDTALLICA.
"So what do ya think, Mullet?" Eddy questioned.
"It's pretty cool Eddy, except uh…"
"Except what?" The drummer griped.
"The writing's all small, you don't give directions on how to get to the tavern, and there should probably be a picture of us on it." Ed commented.
"Says you," Eddy scoffed, "Besides, we don't have any pictures to put on the flier even if we wanted to."
"Oh! We could take some with Double D's mom's fancy camera!" Ed exclaimed.
"Ok, ok, fine." Eddy agreed, "Let's just wait 'til Christian and 'Eddward the Great' show up, then we'll take some band shots for the fliers…"
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The phone blurted out its usual high-pitched chime next to Edd.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, hey Double D, it's me."
"Don't worry Eddy, I'm on my way over right now-"
"That's not why I called, dude. Does your mom still have that really good camera?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You think we could use it to get some shots of the band for some fliers and stuff?"
"Yeah I guess, but it'll require somebody else to use the camera if we want all four of us in the shot. Got any ideas on who we could get to take them?"
"Damn! I didn't think of that… um…" Eddy trailed.
"Hiya Christian!" Ed's muffled voice came from the background.
"Why don't you just come over, we'll talk about it then, the gang's all here." Eddy concluded.
"Ok, I'll see you then." Edd stated.
Edd marched up the stairs to his parents' room. When he was younger, it was forbidden to even think of possibly entering his mother and father's chambers, but now it didn't matter. He was 'Eddward the Great' and damn it, he did what he wanted. He rooted through the closet, pushing aside photo albums and even the ancestral fruitcake in search of his mother's camera.
After a few more minutes of tedious searching, he finally found the black carrying case that held the coveted three hundred dollar camera. Slinging his guitar over his shoulder and picking up the camera case, he walked down the stairs and out the door.
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"Come one, Come all?" Christian said, holding back laughter, "Bang your 'eds?"
The Canuck proceeded to laugh a little at the poster that his friend sloppily threw together.
"Dude, we're playing some covers at a hockey bar, not shooting Ed out of a cannon under a big top circus tent!" Christian laughed, "And playing off the name? That's so damn cheesy! Sure it works, but c'mon, dude…"
"Fine I'll admit, it was pretty bad, but at least I was on the right track." Eddy replied, "We're gonna make it better as soon as Double D shows up with the camera."
"Hey guys." Edd greeted as he came into the room.
"Hey Double D," Eddy greeted, "Don't suppose you got any ideas on who could take our pictures?"
"Sorry Eddy, I'm coming up empty on it, too." The guitarist admitted.
"Hey Ed, you think Sarah would take 'em for us?" Edd asked.
"Naw, Sarah hates us, she'll either smash the camera or take some crappy pictures." Ed replied.
"Nazz?" Christian suggested.
"Pfft. No, she's probably still pissed at us for giving the lead singer gig to you. Even if she's not, she'll probably turn on the sex switch and try to flirt her way into weaseling you out of it, the damn floozy." Eddy muttered.
"Well Johnny obviously wouldn't have the attention span to do the job…" Edd stated, "and Rolf is probably working in the fields or something."
"What about Kevin?" Ed asked.
"He's Kevin, Ed." Eddy replied, "He'd probably do the same thing Nazz would, except he'd hurt us instead of flirting."
"Then that leaves Jimmy." Edd concluded.
"Hmm… I guess he'll have to do. He doesn't hate us, and he takes pictures for his school's year book, doesn't he?" Eddy asked.
"Yeah, that's true, he does!" Edd confirmed, "Well, that's good enough for me, Jimmy it is, then."
While they searched for Jimmy, Christian consoled them on posing for pictures.
"For pictures, we all have to have a shtick to make the pictures look cooler." Christian said.
"What's a shtick?" Ed asked.
"Y'know, it's the image we give off in the pictures and on stage, too." Christian lectured, "For instance, back when I was in Iron Fist, I'd do something like this."
Christian put his index fingers on the sides of his head like devil horns and stuck out his tongue.
"Wait, hold on a sec, you were in Iron Fist?!" Eddy asked.
"Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? They kicked me out for messing up at a gig, so that's how I came to be with you guys in Edtallica. That's a pretty big skeleton in the ol' closet, eh?" Christian replied.
"Oh…" Eddy said, nodding.
"So anyway, I guess I'm the semi-satanic one by default." Christian concluded, "It's up to you guys what your images are."
"Hey look, it's Jimmy!" Ed proclaimed.
They approached the now 15-year-old Jimmy, who was painting a picture in his backyard. Jimmy wasn't as effeminate as he used to be, so the rainbows and shoulder pads disappeared around the time the Eds went metal. He was now very artsy and dramatic. He took several art classes outside school and was also very involved in his middle school's drama club. Sure, the drama club at Peach Creek Junior High wasn't even worth wasting the breath needed to talk about it, but Jimmy persevered and soldiered his way through three years of small budgets and childish shows.
"Good afternoon, Jimmy." Edd greeted casually.
"Oh! Hi guys, how may I help you?" Jimmy asked.
"Well, see it's like this, Shakespeare," Eddy explained, "Tomorrow we've got a gig, and we want to advertise for it."
"And…" Jimmy said, raising an eyebrow.
"And, we need some cool shots of the band so we can put 'em on fliers and posters and stuff," Eddy continued, "We've got the equipment, now we just need the expert, and since you're the only photographer around that has an idea of what he's doing, we were wondering if you'd use our camera and take those shots. What do ya say?"
The band leaned forward in anticipation as Jimmy scratched his chin and thought.
"Sure, I guess I could do that. I have to wait for this part of the painting to dry, anyway." Jimmy answered.
"Thanks, Jimmy! Tell ya what; just for doing this for us, we'll put you on the guest list for the show, fr-half price! Double D 'll even give you a ride up there in his mom's Jetta!" Eddy exclaimed.
"Don't forget to bring some form of ID for the border patrol!" Christian added.
"Gee guys, uh… thanks. Let's get to those photos, shall we?" Jimmy stated.
After showing Jimmy the camera, Jimmy began to lead the band down the road.
"I figured since you guys are probably going for the bad-ass heavy metal look, that we'd take the photos in an alley or something." Jimmy suggested.
Jimmy led them to an alley just outside the candy store where the Eds spent nearly all of their income when they were younger.
"Stand up against that wall while I get this thing set up." Jimmy instructed.
The band stood up against the wall while Jimmy attached the camera to the tripod and fiddled with the camera's angle before studying the sunlight coming into the alley for a few minutes.
"Ok, I've got everything ready to go," Jimmy declared.
The guys stood in the order of Ed, Edd, Christian, and last but not least, Eddy bringing up the end.
"Alright, mug for me, boys!" Jimmy called from behind the camera.
Christian did his devil face like he did earlier. Next to him, Eddy crossed his arms in front of him and formed a heavy metal salute with his hands. Edd slouched and tried to look tough. Ed did what came naturally. He put on a big, simple smile and folded his arms. Jimmy took several shots, asking them to pose differently every now and again.
"Ok guys, that's it, I'm out of film." Jimmy stated, "Do you want to go back to my house and get 'em developed?"
They returned to Jimmy's house and went into the darkroom in his basement. After the five of them squeezed through the door, Jimmy flicked the light switch, sending an eerie red glow through the room. Jimmy then began to dip the undeveloped photos in the solution and hang them on a wire to dry. After an hour, the pictures were finally developed.
"Thanks again, Rembrandt." Eddy said, slapping Jimmy on the back as he left.
Christian slipped Jimmy three Canadian dollars before leaving.
"Here's a little something for your trouble. That ought to be enough to cover the entrance fee at Eddy's discount." The Canadian said.
Once they left Jimmy's basement, they went to Edd's house to write better, less cheesy fliers with directions to the tavern printed on them. They spent the rest of the day taping them around the cul-de-sac and other places where people would see them.
"Well, that's probably enough for today boys." Eddy said.
"Those fliers should help expand the audience a little," Christian said as he walked towards his truck, "Even if they don't there're probably going to be the tavern regulars or something."
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"Hmm? What's this?"
Nazz tore the sheet of paper from the lamppost she was near. The blonde quickly scanned the paper. EDTALLICA was written across the top in obviously hand drawn letters.
"What're you looking at Nazz?"
Kevin peeked over his girlfriend's shoulder to see what was so fascinating.
"Looks like the Eds got a gig somewhere." Nazz stated.
Kevin sighed, he could see where this was going, and he didn't like it one bit.
"You don't actually want to go, do you?" Kevin questioned, "They refused your perfect voice and good looks just to hire some Canadian jack-off!"
"I know, Kev. I just want to see if they're any good, that's all."
"But-" Kevin began to interject.
The blonde then put on what the Eds (who had seen Kevin get whipped by this face several times before) called the "kicked puppy" face.
"Fine, we'll go. But only 'cause I want to see what makes that damned Canuck so great…" Kevin mumbled.
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"Eddy, can you hear me, kid?"
"Cliff? Is that you?"
"Yep, it's me. You've come pretty far over the past couple weeks, dude. Nice job! Do you have the pre-gig jitters yet?"
"A little bit, yeah."
"Heh, those'll pass soon enough. I just came to give you a little pep talk before you get to your gig. It's important that you and the boys put on a kick-ass show tomorrow, even if it is just for some drunk-off-their-ass Ontarians."
"Don't worry, we've been practicing ourselves ragged since Christian made the gig, we'll be fine."
"You should be, half of your play list's covers from my old band! I'll see you after the gig tomorrow."
"Hey Cliff, could I ask you something?"
"I guess."
"Do you visit Ed, Double D, and Christian, too?"
"I don't, other guys do, kid. Dimebag Darrel's giving Ed this same pep talk right now."
"Oh…"
"Well, good luck out there tonight, junior."
"Thanks, Cliff."
The alarm buzzed loudly to snap Eddy from his slumber. He lazily rolled out of bed and sleepily walked towards the bathroom to shower and get ready for the gig. The pre-gig jitters were seriously taking their toll on him, he was so nervous he felt sick.
"Pfft. If I'm this nervous now, I'm probably gonna chuck biscuits when we get on stage tonight…" Eddy muttered to himself as he threw on his old Motley Crue concert shirt. As he walked over to his mirror to put Aquanet in his hair, his cell phone rang.
"Yeah?"
"Hey Eddy it's me, Christian."
"Oh hey man, why you callin' so early?"
"Just wanted to tell you that I'm coming down there in a few hours to help carry the guitars and stuff."
"Ok…"
"Oh yeah, and don't put Aquanet in your hair until just before the gig, you'll want it to last you through the show."
"Fine… I'll see you later."
"Bye!"
"May as well hang out with Ed and Double D." Eddy groaned. The clock read 10:45, meaning it had only been forty-five minutes since he woke up, and even that time had seemed to crawl by.
"Hiya, Eddy!" Ed greeted.
"Hi Ed." Eddy said as he flopped down in the tacky purple couch.
"You'll never guess what I dreamt last night, guys!" Ed exclaimed, "The ghost of Dimebag Darrel came to me in a dream and wished us luck for tonight! Pretty weird, huh?"
"Whoa, I had the same dream, Ed." Edd said in an amazed tone, "Except it was Steve Clark that came to me."
"You mean the lead guitar guy from Def Leppard that died from mixing pills with alcohol?" Eddy asked.
"Yeah, he gave me a pep-talk, and before he left he told me to watch myself, 'cause the bottle's got more power than one would think…" The guitarist answered.
"Well that's weird," Eddy stated, "Why would he talk to you about the dangers of drinking? The only remotely harmful thing you drink is Mountain Dew."
"Uh… yes of course…" Edd said.
Eddy looked at the small clock on Ed's wall, it was only 11:00.
"Jeez, this sucks!" Eddy yelled, "This is like waiting for death or something!"
"Yeah, time's sure taking its time in passing." Ed stated plainly as he lazily strummed a few power chords on his guitar.
Eddy listened to Ed play the same few chords over and over again. He was about to open his mouth to tell Ed to stop, but changed his mind.
"Hey Ed, play those chords again." Eddy said, sitting up in the couch.
"You mean the ones I just played?" Ed inquired.
"Yeah, play 'em again."
Ed nodded and played the low-tuned chords once more. As Ed busied himself in playing his unintentional riff, Eddy sat behind his drum kit and began to play a fast beat full of fills and symbol crashes.
Edd shrugged and plugged in his guitar to join in. He started by just playing Ed's riff an octave higher. Soon, Ed and Eddy began to change things up a bit, so Edd did too by putting a solo together on the fly, like all of his guitar heroes did.
They became so into their new song in the making that they didn't notice Christian walk into the room.
"Hey guys, saw your little session there, that was freakin' awesome! We should play it again once we get to the tavern!" Christian exclaimed.
"Dude, we don't even have a name for this thing yet." Eddy stated.
"Like I said, we can work on it when we get to the tavern during sound check, now c'mon boys, let's go!" Christian said.
After loading Eddy's drums into Christian's pickup and loading the guitars into the Jetta, the band divided into carpools. Eddy decided to ride shotgun with Christian to insure the safety of his equipment, leaving the guitarists and Jimmy in the shamefully dorky Jetta.
For most of the ride over, Eddy and Christian listened to CDs from the vast heavy metal library that was in Christian's CD cases. They also threw around names for the new song.
"How 'bout Die Death to the Fullest?" Eddy suggested.
"I like it, but it doesn't fit Ed's riff very well," Christian said, "Um… let's see, it sounds kind of punk metal-ish, how 'bout Apocalypse or something like that? You know, just to be a little ironic."
"I guess that could work," Eddy replied, "We'll take it up with Mullet and Double D when we get there."
Christian chuckled. "Speaking of those dingbats, what do you figure they're doing to little drama-boy in there?"
"Corrupting his tiny artistic mind, what else?" Eddy cackled, "If Jimmy thinks he can convince Ed to play some of his wacky Sitar music instead of Blue Oyster Cult, he's got another thing comin'!"
After a few more hours of driving and yet another car search, Eddy and Christian made it to the 5-Hole Tavern, with the little white Jetta coming in closely behind them. They stepped out of the truck to greet their friends.
"Hey guys, how was your drive?" Christian asked.
"Yeah, you didn't hurt Jimmy did you?" Eddy questioned, holding back laughter.
"I turned Jimmy into a BOC fan in less than forty minutes!" Ed stated proudly.
"Is it true Jimmy?" Eddy asked
The teenager nodded happily and formed the two-fingered heavy metal salute for seemingly the first time. "Blue Oyster Cult rocks, Eddy!"
The five then walked into the empty tavern, where Pierre, who was clad in his blue Maple Leafs jersey, greeted them and guided them to the small stage.
"We've already got your mics and amps set up, guys." Pierre said, "So once you get your drums set up, you can get to practicing."
"Thanks, Pierre," Christian nodded towards Jimmy, "You think you could hang around with the kid for a while, y'know, give him lunch and a Labat or something…"
"Sure thing," Pierre answered, "but this is going on your tab."
The band then carried Eddy's drums out of the truck bed and set them towards the back of the stage, between the two decently sized Marshall amp stacks. From there they ran through the play list, making a few changes in the order of the songs. They also worked on Apocalypse for a while, adding a little more structure to it before stopping for a lunch break, where Christian worked on the punk rock-ish lyrics.
After showing his lyrics to the rest of the band, and even Jimmy, who deemed them worthy enough to play that night, they played through their new song and were satisfied with the results. In the three hours they had left, they introduced Jimmy to a few other bands, such as Black Sabbath and Diamond Head. While they were "converting" Jimmy, as Christian put it, more people began to shuffle into the bar, and judging by how excited Pierre was getting, it was more than just the regulars.
"You guys are on in fifteen minutes!" Pierre called.
"Finally!" Eddy exclaimed.
"Hey guys!" Ed exclaimed, " You'll never guess who's out there!"
"Who's out there then, Ed?" Christian asked.
"Oh you'll never guess who it is!" Ed said excitedly.
"Just tell us, Mullet…" Eddy snapped.
"Kevin and Nazz are right in front of the stage." Ed said.
"Why would they come to see us play?" Edd asked, "They hate us…"
"I know why they're here," Eddy replied, "The damn floozy's gonna try to flirt her way into Christian's singer slot, and she's got Kevin here to muscle him out of it if Christian says no to her, just like I said before!"
"Uh… yeah well Johnny and Plank are out there, too." Ed said.
"Hey Ed, did you see any big, scary guys dressed in gray and black with matching pentagram necklaces out there?" Christian inquired.
"Nope, can't say I did," Ed answered, "But there's a crap load of kids and guys with beer bottles, though."
"Two minutes guys!" Pierre called again.
Christian let out a slow breath and got the band together.
"Ok boys, it's our first gig, well more like my thirtieth gig, but it's my first as a "Metal Ed" and it's your first gig ever, so let's go out there and show the people that made fun of you in high-school that you're not freaks or dorks or whatever it is they called you." Christian consoled.
"Nope, hit it right on the head with 'dorks', Christian." Ed replied.
"You guys are on now! Get going!" Pierre exclaimed.
The pre-gig jitters welled up inside Eddy more than ever as he walked out onto the stage in front of roughly 140 people and took his place behind the drums. He took a deep breath as Christian stepped in front of the microphone and began to get the crowd fired up.
"How the hell are ya, everybody?!" Christian yelled at the crowd.
The crowd cheered and screamed in anticipation.
"We're gonna get started right now with a song called Helpless by Diamond Head, you ready?!"
As the drunken crowd cheered again, Christian turned his head to Eddy and nodded at him to begin the song. Eddy took yet another deep breath and began to pound on the drums for the intro to Helpless. Gradually, the others came in and the fast-paced song went into full swing.
The gig went on great, and Ed showed off his infamous "backward duck-walk" as they played "Godzilla" by Blue Oyster Cult. He got a little too carried away and nearly smashed into the amplifier stacks that were next to Eddy.
"Hey Ed!" Eddy called to his friend. It was a miracle that his friend heard at all, the amps were so loud.
"Yeah Eddy?" Ed yelled.
"You know how Kevin and Nazz are right by the stage, Mullet?" Eddy panted.
"Yeah, Kevin looks all grumpy and shit, Eddy!" Ed hollered.
"I want you to go bang your head right in front of 'em!" Eddy yelled back.
"Why?" Ed asked as he loudly strummed the power chords to his favorite song.
"'Cause you're all sweaty, so you'll spray 'em, it'll be classic!" Eddy panted.
"You got it, Eddy!" Ed said as he duck walked back to the front of the stage.
Much to Eddy's surprise, Ed pulled off the prank flawlessly without falling off the stage or forgetting to play while banging his head. They played every song on the list, until finally, it was time for the finale.
"Woo! It's been quite a night, huh everybody?!" Christian breathed into the microphone, "Ah, but sadly, we're down to the last song of the night…"
Christian pretended to hang his head and cry while the crowd cheered loudly.
"So to wrap things up we're gonna play a song that we actually wrote on in my truck on the way here! This's called Apocalypse…"
Eddy clicked his drumsticks together three times before the band launched into the fast, profanity-drenched song. They managed to stretch the approximately three-minute song to eight minutes much to the delight of the now plastered-beyond-all-comprehension crowd.
"Thank you! That's our show, once again," Christian pointed at his band mates, "On lead guitar, 'Eddward the Great', Double D! On rhythm guitar, Ed, on the skins, Eddy, and I'm Christian St. Denis! Goodnight everybody!"
The band acknowledged the crowd on last time before going to the bathrooms to get cleaned up. Once they mopped the sweat off themselves with paper towels, they grabbed Jimmy and snuck out the backdoor to drive home.
Eddy walked into his room and flopped onto his bed; his arms were going to be so sore tomorrow… as he drifted off to sleep he could hear Cliff saying "Good job, kid…"
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A/N: Whoa! Long chapter, huh? That should keep you busy for a while, so read and review while I work on chapter 9! Oh yeah, I'd like to give a heavy metal salute to GIRRR for reviewing my story!
