The next morning, it was a quarter past ten and Frodo still had not returned.
Edmund, being hungry after Susan wouldn't let him eat breakfast, went to the vending machine, only to see Rand purchasing the last Turkish Delight. Angry, Edmund stormed to the machine and pushed Rand out of the way.
"Those are mine!" Edmund screamed. "My own! My precious!"
Rand blinked at him, then ate the Turkish Delight.
"NO!" Edmund burst into tears and fell to the floor in a tantrum.
Susan sighed. "How many times did Mom tell you not to do that in public? Here, let's go to Micky D's and get you some food."
"Ooh!" Edmund was happy again. "Can I have an Egg McMuffin?"
"I want one, too!" Ender shouted.
So the entire group went to breakfast.
Frodo stumbled into the meeting room five minutes later, hay still in his hair from the bad campout session. They had stolen his clothes and had put them on the tallest branch in the tree. Then Neville had beat him up.
The group wasn't there. "Where is everybody?"
Scarcely were the words out of his mouth when everyone came back in, clutching their Happy Meals.
Frodo pouted. "Anyone wanna share?"
They all just looked at him.
"Can we just continue on with the quest, then?"
"Sure," said Luke. "I'm in a servicy mood. Let's go plant a tree."
"But Arbor Day was yesterday…" Susan pointed out.
"But we have to do it anyway," Jim said. "But the list did say Arbor Day."
Ender sighed. "We'll just tell him we did it yesterday!"
"But that would be lying…"
Jake smacked him over the head. "Come on, let's go steal a tree."
"Where are we going to get a tree from?" Luke asked.
"From a tree shop, stupid," said Ender. "I say a Japanese maple."
So they found some Boy Scouts selling trees, and made Jim part with his last pearl necklace rather than stealing the tree.
The Boy Scouts proceeded to use the pearls as bebe shells. "Great shots you got for us!"
Jim sniffled as Rand dragged him off.
They traveled to the park, next to the scary castle. (Frodo, of course, took the bus.)
"There!" said Rand, pointing to a particular spot. "That's where the voices say to plant it! I think it's to fulfill a prophecy! You know, the one about that tree, you know the tree of life, yeah, I think that's it."
Edmund and Susan gasped. "Yeah, the trees with the apples that heal people, that was murdered and turned into a wardrobe!"
Rand stared. "I guess."
"Who brought the shovels?" Ender asked.
"Jim, weren't you supposed to bring them?" Susan asked.
"No, Ender was," Jim replied.
"Nuhuh!"
"Doesn't matter, we need a shovel, or something that can dig," Jake said.
All eyes turned to Frodo.
"Hey, I just manicure yesterday. It will ruin it."
Two minutes and dog pile later, our heroes had planted the tree and were watering it.
"Well, our job here is done," Jake said, striking a heroic pose.
Susan sighed and fluttered her eyelashes.
Harry stared off in the distance. The were couples everywhere. And the local musicians in the gazebo were playing soft romantic music. On a park bench not far away, Harry's eyes fell on a familiar sight. The back of Ron and Hermione's heads. He decided to go say hi, hoping that being near his single and unattached friends he could find comfort in the world of a marriage-driven society.
"Hi Harry," Hermione chimed when she saw him. Ron nodded hello.
"Look at what Ron gave me!" she continued, beaming and holding out her left hand.
"A nail job? Like Frodo's?" He was unsure of what she was talking about.
"No silly, a ring." She giggled.
Harry looked closer. The ring had a large stone set in it, one that looked remarkably familiar. Harry blinked, It was….no…nhw..the sorcerer's stone. How had Ron found one of those for her, and WHY?
"The wedding's in four months," Ron said proudly. "I want you to be my best man."
Harry looked at the two in complete shock and utter horror. "How could you do this to me? How long have you two been an item?" He began to sob. "No one ever tells me anything."
"Come on, Harry, it was obvious to everyone else," Hermione stated in her best know-it-all tone.
"You're not mad at us, are you, Harry?" Ron asked.
"No," Harry said quietly. "I need to go, the others are waiting for me."
"Well, good luck with the therapy, and I will have Ron call you on the day we do tux fittings," Hermione said. She pulled out her planner and checked off a box marked "Inform Harry of Plans."
Harry half stumbled back to the group. Visions of Ron and Hermione together filled his head. He was too late. He would die single. He began to wish Voldemort would show up and get it over with.
"What's up, Harry?" Susan asked Harry. She had her fingers twined in with Jake's. They were smiling.
Harry felt sick. "Oh, nothing. Ron and Hermione are getting married and they want me to be the best man."
"Yeah Harry, you are the best MAN for THE Job," Luke said and winked.
Rand shook his head in disbelief. "I am surrounded by fools," he muttered under his breath.
"That's great," Ender said, "I was wondering when those two would finally get it together."
Everyone else nodded in agreement; it was about time.
"I should give them the number to my caterer," Rand said. "He is fat so the food is always good and the service friendly as well as impeccable."
"Then why do you keep taking the last of the food from the vending machines?" Susan asked.
"Because I am a growing channeler and a hungry boy." Rand smiled and licked his lips. MMMM…he was going to have to go to Jack-in-the-Box tonight.
"You know, if we split into groups we could probably get a lot more done faster," Ender said.
The others nodded in agreement.
"How will we be split up?" Susan asked, seeing it as an opportunity to get Jake alone and all to herself.
"Jim, your hat please," Luke said.
Two more tiaras and an emerald comb fell out of the hat as he took it off.
"I saw this done on Mystery Science Theater, once. Here, everyone puts their name in the hat. Then we randomly pick the groups by having one person pick two or three at a time. Depends on how many we want in each group and how many groups we want total."
Susan, being the girl, of course drew the names.
The first group was Harry, Rand, and Edmund. They chose to go after the One Ring since Frodo was such a freak about it.
The second group was Jim and Ender. They were feeling like Boy Scouts. "Yeah, we want to help an old lady across the street," Ender said wickedly.
The third group was Jake and Luke. They picked bunnies for no reason other than it sounded easy and everyone loves bunnies.
Susan begged Luke to switch. Luke said that on that episode of Mystery Science Theater, all groups had been final. She, of course, pouted. That left her with Frodo, who she loathed because she had had to French him and he hadn't brushed his teeth or hair since leaving Hobbiton on the ring quest. At least that's what she thought.
"I like jewelry so we are going after the five golden rings, Frodo." She then yanked him by the arm, dragging him through the park on his stomach. She aimed for trees, rocks, small children, and the occasional park bench. Frodo hurt, badly.
The sidekicks had decided to spend that particular day playing of rousing game of Dungeons and Dragons. They gathered at the community center. They had been playing for almost six months on the same campaign. The Dungeon Masters were Dumbledore, Moraine, and Obi-wan, the latter being nothing more than the guy in charge of city campaigns.
They had spit into two groups, girls and boys, and were to combine that day for the first time.
The girls' group was going quite well.
"My angelic paladin brings back news of a gelatinous dragon attacking the nobleman's keep," Lucy announced. "The nobleman has helped us many times! We must race to his aid!"
"We should have a plan first," said Min. "My halfling rogue is good at sneak attacks."
"Wait!" said Egwene. "Moraine, could you please leave the room so we can plan? We know how much you like to trick us."
Moraine agreed, and went to check on the boys' group.
It was going… also well.
"Where's the Cherry-Vanilla Dr. Pepper?" Mat called from the kitchen area.
"In the fridge!" Dumbledore called back, impatiently. "Okay, now Han, what does your barbarian orc do?"
"I forgot where I am."
"You're in the forest outside the keep. Remember?"
"No."
Dumbledore sighed. "What about you, Sam?"
"I cast magic missile at the monster in the gazebo."
"I still can't find the Dr. Pepper!" Mat called.
"Sam, there isn't a monster in the gazebo. Just cute little peasant girls. And they're actually behind it."
"My half-golum centaur druid pulls out his +12 sword of superdeath that talks!" Perrin exclaimed. "And attacks the peasant girls!"
"You're not there!" Dumbledore said.
"I still want to cast magic missile at the gazebo," Sam said.
"Does anyone want any Dr. Pepper?" Mat asked.
"No!" cried Dumbledore. "Get back in here, because while you're in there, your pixie bard is still in the pit of acid! And rounds are passing!"
"I again cast magic missile at the gazebo!" Sam announced.
Dumbledore sighed. "There's nothing there! It's just a gazebo!"
"I cast it anyway!"
"Where am I, then?" Perrin asked.
"You're back at the bar," Dumbledore said. "Okay, Sam, the gazebo attacks you back."
"But how much damage did I do?" Sam fiddled with his dice.
"None. Yes, Perrin, you're at the bar."
A crash sounded from the kitchen area. "Oops!" Mat called. "We need to buy more Dr. Pepper!"
"Am I getting drunk?" Perrin asked.
"What about me?" Marco said.
Dumbledore passed him the calculator. "Your character died. You're supposed to be rolling up a new one! Like I told you three hours ago!"
Marco looked sad. "Does anyone have a resurrection spell?"
"No," Dumbledore said. "You were only fourth level and there were no clerics in the village."
"You know, it's kind of weird my lycanthrope elf fighter died. Who ever thought you could get struck by a random bolt of lightening?"
Moraine tapped Dumbledore on the shoulder. "Are they really only fourth level?"
Dumbledore looked ready to cry. "Yes."
"Oh. The girls are at thirtieth. How are we supposed to make it even?"
Dumbledore shook his head. "Maybe we will try and combine next week."
"Hey, Dumbledore, are any girls watching me get drunk?" Perrin asked.
"Yes," said Moraine.
Bean let out a whoop. "My goliath sorcerer just stabbed Perrin in a sneak attack!"
"Not again," Dumbledore moaned.
"I'll go ask the girls if they're okay with the boys leveling up to thirty with them."
"Hey, Dumbledore," called Ron. "Hermione's character and mine hooked up early! What's the DC for a good make-out session?"
Moraine stared. "Hermione, what are the other girls doing?"
"Oh, they're still planning. All my human cleric is to do is to hide and cast healing spells when necessary. So I don't need to be there anymore."
Luke and Jake walked into the thirtieth pet shop they had been in that day. "We're here to buy some bunnies," Luke told the shopkeeper.
The shopkeeper nodded and gestured at the bunny cages. "They're twenty-five dollars each."
Jake squeaked. They only had a buck.
Luke waved his hands before the shopkeeper's face. "You will give us the bunnies for free!"
"No, I won't. They're twenty-five dollars!"
"Luke," said Jake. "This isn't working. Just like it didn't work at any of the other places. "Jedi mind tricks don't work on merchants, remember?"
They left the store, thoroughly dejected.
"I thought this was going to be easy," Luke whined. "How are we going to get bunnies now?"
"You know," said Jake. "We could always steal them."
"Steal?" Luke echoed, staring at Jake. "Isn't that wrong?"
"Eh, I've broken enough laws. What's one more?"
Luke shrugged. "Okay, but how are we going to do it?"
"I'll turn into a bunny and sneak into the store, and then free all the other bunnies! It'll be great!"
Jake and Luke high-fived.
Harry, Rand, and Edmund skipped up the side of Mt. Doom.
"Boy," said Edmund. "This is easy and fun. Frodo made it sound so scary!"
"Well, we're not Frodo, so anything seems not scary to us!" said Rand.
Harry wasn't quite so happy. For all he knew, the Dark Lord could be hiding there, and he'd once again have to take responsibility. Or Ron and Hermione and a wedding planner, which was worse. Lovely, a Mt. Doom wedding. The scenic, romantic views and the self-heated pools of water. Damn it all.
The cave entrance was big and loomed ahead of them. It was decorated severely with smiley faces and little sheep and the occasional heart that said "R + H". They all wondered who that could stand for.
"Now all we have to do is find that Ring," said Rand. "Good thing I brought my metal detector!"
They entered the cave. It was warm. Too warm. In fact, it was downright hot. Like a volcano. The Ring, of course, was right in plain sight, dangling by a chain and a rock over the boiling lava below.
Apparently neither Frodo nor Gollum had managed to actually knock it down.
Rand used the handle of his metal detector to rescue the Ring.
"That was easy," said Edmund. "Why, I bet we'll beat everyone else back. Now all we have to do is get this baby back to the community center."
Jim and Ender hung around the sidewalk, watching people cross. So far, not one little old lady.
"Scouting is a lot harder than it looks," Jim said. "Where do they find old ladies for their merit badges?"
"This is why I killed instead of joining Boy Scouts," Ender said darkly.
Jim looked at him funny. "Huh?"
Ender sighed. "You wouldn't get it."
Just then, a cute little old woman carrying home her daily groceries approached them. "Excuse me, young men, but would you mind assisting me across the street? I'll bake you cookies!"
Ender smiled. "Cookies? I like cookies!"
"The pirates stole all of my cookies!" Jim exclaimed. "I haven't had cookies since!"
"Well, now is as good a time as any," the old lady said. "Oh, look, the walk signal has already lit up."
So Jim and Ender helped her across the street and accompanied her home, carrying her groceries and thinking of cookies all the while.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Susan were ring-shopping, and Susan was regretting she had picked that particular quest, now that every single jeweler was just… assuming they were a freakin' couple! And Frodo didn't even bother to correct them.
She slammed Frodo up against an expensive glass case. "There we go. Gold rings. We'll just get five of those."
The jeweler put his hand on the panic button beneath the shelf. "Five… that's an unusual number…"
Susan growled. "What's it to you? Just more profit on your behalf. Snob."
Security would arrive within a few minutes. "That'll be 500."
Susan fainted, landing on top of Frodo.
"I guess we won't be shopping here," Frodo squeaked from beneath her. "I'll just get the rings from some friends of mine." He somehow managed to drag Susan from the shop just as the security guards appeared in the distance.
Will our heroes actually have such seemingly good luck getting their items? Do you really think that?
SHOUT OUTS!
xPussyWillowKittenx: Be glad you do not know what Grapes of Wrath is.
v-babe24: Thanks!
Lady Kazaana: Heck, Little Red Riding Hood is just evil. And Tobias probably will make an appearance.
KalsǺ Thanks! Amazing you consider it inspiration. Yes, we had to use non-American characters. But I don't think that was intentional. Now that you mention it… Jake and Rand are the only American characters in there.
hydraspit: Sorry about the updating delay!
Frosty Pickle Juice: It was slow light speed.
Celebwen Telcontar: Thanks. Actually, Susan is from Chronicles of Narnia.
ArcherofDarkness: Don't worry; we don't like McDonald's either.
amieken: Yes! And the strange clopping noise will proceed every bad thing that happens to Harry, just like it did with Tony!
And an extra: Here are where you can find all of the characters in here:
Edmund: Chronicles of Narnia
Ender Wiggin: Ender's Game
Frodo Baggins: Lord of the Rings
Harry Potter: Harry Potter
Jake: Animorphs
Jim Hawkins: Treasure Island
Luke Skywalker: Star Wars
Rand Al'Thor: Wheel of Time
Susan: Chronicles of Narnia
