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A/N: we're sorry for the long wait between updates. We had a writer's block for a while, and only yesterday, were we able to really decide where we wanted to go with this.
Thanks to all our reviewers and those who have stuck with us these past few months. We were really upset when removed our story due to something so trivial, but we persevered. The only really sucky part is that we lost all our reviews! And we had almost ninety! We felt so loved, but we know that given time, our review numbers will once again be what they were. So thanks to all of you for your continued support!
Chapter 10: Over thinking
The end of November came swiftly at Hogwarts that year, drifting in on the autumn winds as though it were coming in on the backs of the leaves that were drifting slowly to the ground at the foot of the Whomping Willow.
Harry sat by the edge of the lake. He would usually have been in class at this point, but since Sydney (as he had finally gotten used to calling her) was celebrating Thanksgiving with her American colleagues, he wouldn't be having class that day. Ron and Hermione had invited him to play a game of Gobstones with them, but Harry just didn't feel in the mood. He never felt in the mood for much of anything lately. He knew that his friends were worried about him, and he wanted to assuage their fears, but he would be lying if he said that nothing was bothering him.
He knew that there was nothing he could do to change the Prophecy. That's just what his destiny was...he would just have to accept it sooner or later. But, now wasn't that time. He just couldn't accept it yet. A killer at the age of seventeen? Preposterous! Unbelievable!
But he knew it was true. If he had to kill Voldemort to save others, he would do it; especially if it were someone like Ron or Hermione. Voldemort would never touch one hair on either of their heads...never. He wouldn't allow it. He couldn't allow it. What would his life be worth without them?
The other thing that bothered him was that he still felt responsible for Sirius' death. He didn't care what anyone said. He was responsible. If he hadn't been so gullible, so anxious to play the hero, maybe...
Well, he chastised himself, what's the point of asking 'maybes'? 'Maybe' wouldn't change what was, and the truth of the matter was that Sirius was dead...and he wasn't coming back. Dead...like Cedric Diggory. Dead...like his mom and dad. Dead...
All those deaths were his fault. He knew he was being silly, but he was really beginning to wonder if all the deaths in the world were his fault. All the pain, all the suffering--surely no one else caused this much pain to those they loved.
'Maybe I should just end this life,' he thought morosely to himself. 'There's a lake right here. I could just cast myself into it. Let the water fill my lungs, and steal my breath and life away from me. Let the darkness close in and disappear into a void that no one alive has ever seen. Then the Giant Squid can come and just eat my remains, leaving nothing behind...'
He started to take a few steps towards the water, not even realizing that his feet were obeying the silent command. It wasn't premeditated...he had never even entertained the possibility before that moment. It had never crossed his mind. All he knew was that he wanted to be gone. He didn't want to feel guilty anymore. He didn't want to feel the fear of the unknown future...didn't want to feel the pain.
He was barely at the edge of the lake when he heard a familiar voice call out to him.
"Harry, what are you doing out here without your cloak on? You're going to freeze," Hermione yelled, coming down from the front steps to join him on the small beach that was left by the lake when it was at low tide.
Harry glanced down at his apparel. Surely, he had put on his cloak before coming outside…wait, no he hadn't. He had been so immersed in his thoughts that he had forgotten to feel cold. Only now, listening to Hermione speak did he truly feel the effects of late autumn on his skin. The hair on his arms was sticking up, and his teeth started clicking together uncontrollably.
"I'm fine," he lied, trying to still the chattering of his teeth. Hermione wasn't fooled. She only smiled and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around him, and rubbing his arms, trying to make him at least a little warmer.
Harry felt his heartbeat speed up slightly at her touch. His arms were getting goose pimples, and this time it wasn't an effect of the cold. It was the feel of Hormone's hands on his skin. 'Her hands are really soft,' he thought to himself. Her breath was on the back of his neck, and Harry stood himself so rigid and still that he thought he might break if he was to fall over.
"Any better?" Hermione asked, still rubbing her hands over his arms.
"Much, much better," Harry said, his voice somewhat higher than usual.
"Good," Hermione said, removing her arms from around him, and moving to face him. Harry felt his heartbeat return to its normal pace, and his skin was screaming for some contact with her again.
"Now," Hermione started, "suppose you tell me what has been on your mind for the last few days…"
Harry debated whether or not to tell her about the Prophecy, then decided against it. There was no reason to burden her with it. She'd only fuss over him and worry about him, and he didn't want her to do that. She had enough to focus on with her studies and Prefect duties. He had to tell her something though…he opted for the truth.
"I've just been thinking about…Sirius. What I did--I know you'll say it's not my fault," he hurriedly said as Hermione opened her mouth to argue, "but, you know that in some ways, it is. I mean, if I hadn't been so gullible--if I didn't have a 'saving-people thing' as you called it--then he might still be alive."
"You don't know that, Harry. You can't know that. Nobody can. About the whole 'saving-people thing'--I'm sorry I ever said that to you. If it wasn't for your codependency, I wouldn't be alive right now. No one would be alive after the whole incident with the Chamber of Secrets…Voldemort would have gotten the Philosopher's Stone, and the whole wizarding world would be in trouble! Harry, I'm not going to say that you haven't made any mistakes--you're a human, you're going to make mistakes, it's only natural--but, think of all the good you've done for us. You've saved all of us, you've saved me. You're my hero."
Hermione spoke her words with such passion, such friendship, and such love that Harry--as much of a guy as he was--was tempted to cry. No one had ever spoken such words of faith and honesty to him, and he doubted anyone ever would again.
"You're a truly fantastic friend, you know that, Hermione?" he asked as he wrapped her in a hug, placing his face against her shoulder and breathing in her unique scent.
"I'm not a fantastic friend, Harry. I'm just a friend who wants you to know just how important you are. And Harry?"
"Yes, Hermione?"
"If you ever do anything as stupid as trying--or even thinking--of killing yourself again…I will hex you so bad that they will have to take you to St. Mungo's for treatment, you hear me?"
"Got it," he said, smiling slightly. "How did you know what I was going to do?"
"I kind of got the feeling when I saw you walking toward the lake with such a sad look in your eyes."
"Why were you looking at me so hard? I make you hot, don't I?" he teased, smiling cockily.
"Totally," she said, only half joking.
"So, why were you looking at me?" he asked, seriously this time.
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you lies," she said, laughing and successfully evading his question.
Weiss, Sydney, and Vaughn all sat at their makeshift Thanksgiving dinner in silence. It was definitely unusual for a Thanksgiving dinner. After all, the British weren't so much into turkey as they were steak and kidney pie, and so instead of turkey and the traditional stuffing and sweet potatoes, there was steak and kidney pie, strawberries and clotted cream, and treacle pudding. They didn't eat much for steak and kidney pie didn't sound particularly appetizing, strawberries and clotted cream brought on too many sexual innuendos (one that had been made real one night when Syd and Vaughn had had a bit too much to drink after a mission gone awry, but that was before Lauren had entered the picture), and what was the point of eating treacle pudding, if there was nothing else to eat with it?
Therefore the three CIA agents sat in silence, staring at the food, and wishing for the first time that they were back in the states. No one even gave thanks to the Lord, for none of them were particularly religious; it was hard to have faith in anything after everything that they had seen since they'd join the CIA. So, instead of reliving old memories and laughing, they sat in silence, all of them wishing that they were in the company of someone other than those that they were with.
However, Weiss being the way he was, decided to break the silence.
"So, how about them Yankees?"
His question broke the awkward silence in the room, and everyone burst out laughing.
"I don't know how the Yankees are," responded Vaughn, "but the Kings are kicking some major ass this year."
"Kicking major ass?" scoffed Weiss. "More like having their major ass kicked."
"I beg to differ. They've only lost three games so far this year."
"Only lost three games…they've only played three games!"
"A minor detail!"
Sydney only listened to them banter back and forth. She liked hockey, but she didn't follow it much anymore. It only brought back memories of her brief period with Vaughn. She remembered that she had once teased him that the zamboni was a close second to the feeling of coming home with him. She wished--for the thousandth time in the last four months--that she had had the chance to tell him how that was in no way true. Coming home to him far out-beat the zamboni--no contest.
"So, what's on the agenda for today?" she asked suddenly, wanting to have something to say.
"We're supposed to have an agenda on Thanksgiving? Since when?" asked Weiss in mock shock.
"Well, obviously none of us are going to be eating this Thanksgiving meal, and trips down memory lane would probably just lead to an inevitable argument that I'd rather avoid right now, so what are we going to do?"
"I don't know what you guys are going to do," said Weiss, "but I've got a prank to play on Ron this afternoon."
"Another one?" asked Vaughn. "That's all you do is prank each other. What are you doing this time?"
"You'll see. It'll be hilarious."
With that, Weiss left the room, headed for the Quidditch Pitch, leaving Vaughn and Sydney in uncomfortable silence.
Weiss waited impatiently for Ron to exit the changing rooms. 'Honestly,' he thought to himself, 'how long could it possibly take for one boy to change his robes?' He had been waiting for half an hour behind the stands, so he could hit Ron unawares. He couldn't wait to use this spell. It had taken him a while to find it, but he thought that the effects would be worth it, and he couldn't wait to see the fruit of his efforts.
Weiss drew himself up straighter as he saw Ron exit the changing rooms. 'Finally,' he thought, 'my legs were falling asleep.'
He pointed his wand at Ron's back and muttered a few choice words. He saw Ron turn around quickly, and he hastily hid behind some bushes.
"Malfoy, if you cast a spell on me, I'll pay you back for it, you mangy git!" Ron yelled, causing Weiss to giggle slightly. However, Ron was a fair distance away, and didn't hear him. Ron turned and headed toward the front entrance.
Weiss smiled to himself. He couldn't wait to see this…
"Hey, Luna," said Ron in greeting, coming up to Luna just inside the entrance hall. Ron felt shivers go up and down his arms, and the hairs raise on the back of his neck, and he felt funny…almost like he was going to be sick, but instead of feeling bad, it felt good--pleasurable even.
"Hello, Ronald," answered Luna. "Did you want something? We weren't supposed to go out until tonight." She had a slightly frightened look upon her face, as though she was afraid that he was going to call it off. Ron didn't want her to think that. He definitely wasn't going to call it off. He wanted to date her more than he had wanted anything in his life. He was just about to tell her so, when something rather strange happened. He realized he was telling her anything…he was singing it.
"i was thinking over thinking
cause there's just too many scenarios to analyze
look in my eyes cause you're my dream please come true
I was thinking over thinking
about exactly how I'm not exactly him
I'll break my heart in two more times than you could ever do
cause you're my dream please come true
cause i think way too much on a one track mind
and you're so out of touch cause i'm so far behind
i can't deny this anymore, the facts ignored all done before
and if there's one in this world, you let me know you're not that girl
i was sinking lower, sinking cause i lost the things i held on to
they let me think a thought a thought that i would know was not
of seeing my dream come true
i was thinking over thinking
about how far i had let this go
one more guy/girl cliché
i know now you're just in the way of me and my dream come true
cause i think way too much on a one track mind
and you're so out of touch cause i'm so far behind
i'm trying to make sense out of all of this
while your fading scent just slips through my grip
i can't deny this anymore, the facts ignored all done before
and if there's one in this world, you let me know you're not that girl
don't touch the positive with the negative end
don't touch the positive with the negative end
cause after all of the sparks you're left alone in the dark
cause after all of the sparks you're left alone in the dark
and while i'm able, i think i'll label experience with you as a mistake
and while i'm at it, i'll say I've had it experience with you is a mistake
cause i think way too much on a one track mind
and you're so out of touch cause i'm so far behind
i'm trying to make sense out of all of this
while your fading scent just slips through my grip
i was thinking over thinking
cause there's just too many scenarios to think about to figure out
if you're my dream please come true
Luna smiled. That was the sweetest thing Ron had ever done. Although she wasn't quite sure what he meant by the words in the middle, she was awestruck by the end. He dreamed of her? That had to be the most romantic thing she had ever heard, and Luna was nothing if not a romantic. The only thing she couldn't figure out was why he was blushing so bad or why he had to sing it…he could have spoken it just as easily.
She wanted to respond to him in some way, but couldn't find the words, so she grabbed him and forcefully kissed him on the lips for a second and then let him go. She took off down the hallway, leaving Ron standing in the entrance hall in shock, a small smile on his face.
Ron entered the Gryffindor common room a little later, still baffled. Why had he sang that? He certainly hadn't planned to…maybe he was a born singer or something…or maybe it was another prank by Weiss…or maybe a curse from Malfoy. Or maybe he was just over thinking this.
He spotted Harry on the other side of the room, and walked over to him. Maybe Harry could help him figure this out. He needed someone's help, that much was for sure. Then he remembered…Harry still wasn't talking to him. Ron took a decided step forward. He would just have to apologize to Harry then. He needed his help, and gosh darn it, he was going to have it!
"Harry, I just wanted to tell you that…
I'm not a perfect person,
there are many things I wish i didn't do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know
I've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i'm sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches your tears, that's why i need you to hear
i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i hate to say before i go, that i just want you to know
i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that i do, and that reason is you"
In spite of himself, Harry felt himself forgiving Ron. Ron was really embarrassing himself to make Harry feel better, and there was no greater sacrifice than that.
"You're forgiven, Ron, but is there some reason why you had to sing that?"
"That's what I need your help with, Harry. I just did the same thing with Luna, and I don't know why. I just get this weird feeling inside of me, and I just…I start singing whatever I'm feeling. I don't know how it happened."
"It was Weiss," answered Harry without even looking up from Snape's assigned Potions homework.
"How do you know?"
"Well, just think…to sing out loud would be embarrassing for you, right?"
"Right…"
"Well, you do have a bet with him on this prank war, and he never did pay you back for that botched Gibberish Spell that you cast…so this must be it."
Now that Harry said it, it made perfect sense. Ron just didn't understand how he hadn't come to that conclusion on his own. Sometimes, he really felt like an idiot.
"Any chance that you could take this spell off of me, Harry?"
"Do I really want to?" asked Harry, a mischievous glint visible in his eyes. Ron glared at him. "Okay, okay, I'll remove it."
"Master, I'm here," said a small voice from the darkest recesses of a tiny room in an unmentionable part of London.
"It's about time; I'm on a schedule here."
"I couldn't get away before, Master, but I'm here now."
"Good. I hope you have something good to report to make up for your insolence."
"Of course, Master. I wouldn't have risked coming otherwise."
"What is it?"
"Two of my colleagues are teaching at Hogwarts this year. I'm particularly close with one of them. He doesn't suspect my interaction with you, Master, so you needn't worry about that."
"I don't worry about anything. I can always deal with the problems that I have. What is your status on your current mission?"
"I have succeeded in keeping Mr. Vaughn and Ms. Bristow apart, therefore that part of the Prophecy cannot be fulfilled, but I have not as yet made any leeway on the condition of their interaction with the Boy-Who-Lived."
"You're growing sloppy…make sure you find out the condition of his training. We cannot allow him to master the true worth of his skills. If he figures out how to work Rambaldi's machine, we will never achieve our goal. See to it that he doesn't succeed."
The figure turned to walk away, but it stopped when its master called it.
"Oh, and Ms. Reed, I wouldn't be so sure about the status of Agents Vaughn and Bristow's relationship…just to warn you."
With that, Lauren headed toward Hogsmeade. She had a mission to oversee.
Sydney and Vaughn sat around next to each other, both awkward and silent. Neither of them wanted to leave the room, but neither had a reason to stay.
"Vaughn," said Sydney, "this is getting ridiculous. We sit in the same room and we can't even talk or acknowledge one another…that's just crazy. I know our past is complicated, but we're just going to have to get over it, and act normal around each other again."
"I'm not sure I can go back to being normal, Sydney," Vaughn admitted. "Seeing you every day…you said that seeing me here without Lauren was temptation for you; you're not alone in that. It's temptation for me, too."
"We can both overcome temptation, Vaughn. We have to, for your marriage's sake."
"I know," he whispered quietly.
"You know what the hardest thing is?" Sydney asked.
"What?"
"Remembering how wonderful it felt to be loved by you. The feeling that your world began and ended with me was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt. I felt that as long as I had you, I would be okay. Even after everything with my mother, and Project Christmas, I still felt like my life had some sort of meaning.
"But without you, I don't have that. You moved on... and I? I'm left with nothing but two missing years, and the love I have for a boyfriend who doesn't feel that way about me anymore."
She was crying softly, and he habitually cradled her face with his hand in a gentle caress, his thumb wiping away her tears.
"I never stopped loving you, Syd. I never could. I never will stop loving you either. I can't change the fact that I'm married now, but you need to know that I do still love you. That's something that will never change."
He leaned down to kiss her one final time. This was a moment between them. A chance to really put some closure on their relationship and their feelings. A time that would allow Sydney to move on…but not without one last kiss.
His nose was rubbing softly against hers in a slightly teasing gesture, and she felt herself smile. She felt no sadness at this moment. He was being so sweet, and she felt as though she were finally having some sense of closure on this relationship. She could feel his breath on her face. It smelled like Spearmint, he favorite type of gum, and hers as well. His lips were closer now. One inch, a fraction of an inch, a centimeter…and then--
The portrait door slammed open, and Hermione entered the room.
"Um, professors, I have a question about our exams…um, I'm not interrupting something am I?"
We know, we know. We're mean…but, that's just us. Hope you liked the newest chappie!
Songs used were "Over Thinking" by Relient K from the album Two Left Turns…
"The Reason" by Hoobastank.
