Shinji's POV:
Walking home with Asuka has become something of a familiar routine in my life.
Misato is always too lazy to come and pick us up. She sure is a good guardian,
and I am not being sarcastic, really. She gets grumpy on weekdays evenings. I
think that is because of the work related stress she is facing. And I sure
don't want to sit in her car when a grumpy Misato is driving.
Asuka looks like she has something on her mind. Normally she would be mocking
me in her special way by now. But today, her face tells me that she is trying
hard to make a decision or something. I want to show her my concern. I want to
ask her what is bothering her. But I know that would not be a good idea.
When Asuka wants to tell you something, she will tell you on her own. Otherwise,
it's better not to ask. A grumpy Asuka is ten times worse than a grumpy Misato.
But this time, I can tell something serious is going on. She just looks
so…different. She has been like that ever since she was made to carry the water
buckets earlier this day.
The same thing happened with Ayanami. She has been acting stranger than usual
since she was made to carry the water buckets. Before that, I smiled several
times at class to her, and she would smile back. After that, I smiled several
times at her again, but she didn't smile back. I wanted to see her smile. I
tried hard to get her smile again, but she didn't. In fact, I was surprised
that she looked quite sad when I smiled at her. But I don't understand why.
Did something happen between her and Asuka? I'm beginning to worry. What if
Asuka said something to hurt her? You never know what Asuka would do when she
gets grumpy. And Ayanami is one of her favourite targets. I look side way at
Asuka.
Asuka looks back at me.
"Shinji, I have something to ask you."
"What is it?"
"What do you think of Wonder Girl?"
And the teasing begins. Asuka is back to herself. I'm glad she is all right.
But I'm not glad about the direction this teasing is going. Ayanami, for me, is
a very sensitive subject. After all, I do have feelings for her.
"W-what are you t-talking about?"
Upon hearing my stuttering question, Asuka does something I didn't expect. Her
face turns very serious.
"Shinji, do you love Ayanami Rei?"
I can tell she is being serious now. No more Wonder Girl, now it's Ayanami Rei.
"I-I…don't know. I don't know."
"Shinji, you must be honest with me, because if you don't...then I won't
tell you what happened when I was standing outside with her this morning!"
Asuka finished that sentence with a playful tone. But not even that can mask
the gloomy mood underneath it. I stop and stare at the floor. Asuka stops
walking too. There is a very long silence.
"You are the prince charming she drew in her book, Shinji."
I can't help but let out a gasp. Is this true? Is Asuka telling me the truth? I
am Ayanami's prince charming? Does that mean…does that mean she likes me? I
can't face the truth. I can't face reality. I do not dare. Too many times I had
raised my hopes, only to find out they were false in the end. Ayanami loving me
is just too good to be true…
I crouch down and hold my face in my hands. I'm scared. I'm really, really
nervous of what Asuka is going to say next, because it will make or break me.
"She did not tell me she likes you, Shinji. But when I asked her about
you, any idiot, any IDIOT can tell that she really likes you. There is no way
that I can be wrong about this."
"……"
"But I'm afraid there is a problem, though I'm not sure what it is."
"H-How do you know…?"
"Do you love her, or not?"
"Yes…Yes I do. I love her. I love Ayanami."
"Well, I saw her crying just now. Something might be wrong with her."
My head shoots up. Ayanami was crying? I feel my heart being dealt a dull blow.
Why was she crying? Then I notice that Asuka has resumed her walking. I do not
know what to do. Should I visit Ayanami? Or should I go back home? This is all
too sudden for me.
"I suggest that you visit her, you know."
Before I could come out with a sensible decision, my legs did what my instinct
told them to do. I follow Asuka home. She looks at me accusingly, but she says
nothing as we quietly walk back to the apartment. I'm feeling like a total
jerk…
It is now past ten o'clock at night. Lying on my bed, I just can't close my
eyes and go to sleep. What Asuka said had bugged me until now. But I can talk
to Ayanami tomorrow. Yes…I can talk to her tomorrow…except I can't wait. She
cried. She was hurt. I have to find out. I have to know what is going on with
her.
But…I just don't have the strength to do it. I don't have the strength that
Asuka and Ayanami have. My character is flawed. I am useless. I put my walkman
on and start listening. But this time it just can't help me relax. Not even the
music can block the world away. Ayanami's face haunts me. Something is wrong. I
have to help her, but I…I'm just so useless.
Why am I such a useless boy? I don't deserve Ayanami's love…
I can feel something wet at the corners of my eyes. My hands reach out to wipe
them away. Subconsciously, I've started to cry.
SLAM!!!
The door to my room flies open, but I dare not look up. I know who she is and I
know why she is here. Suddenly, a powerful hand grabs my shirt and throws me
down my bed. My face is facing towards the ceiling and she can clearly see the
tears streaming down my face. She grabs my collar and pulls me up. And then she
slaps me, hard. It stings. My eyes shoot open. Before I can give her a glare,
she shoves a book into my face.
I take a look at the book. It is one of our textbooks. I squint my eyes and
look closer, focusing on a hand drawn picture. It's a boy. He looks like me. He
looks beautiful and brave, like the knight who will always be there when his
princess needs him.
Is this Ayanami's book?
In Ayanami's eyes, I am the one. I am the one who can protect her. I see in the
picture the same perfectness she sees in me.
Ayanami, is that how you think about me? Is that how I look like in your eyes?
How can I let her down after this…?
Asuka stands there looking at me. There is another long silence. I continue to stare
at the picture. And then I close the book. I hold the book very tightly,
squeezing it until my fingers become white. I rub away my tears. I stand up and
look at Asuka.
"Thank you."
And then I start running. I slam the front door open and I run. I've never run
so fast. I've never run so far without rest. I can feel the energy running
through my veins. Each step I take brings more energy to me. I've wasted enough
time. I've run away too many times. Too many times I've hurt the ones I love
because of my hesitation. Too many times I've let chances slip by because I do
not dare to take them.
But from this day onwards, I will not be a wimp anymore. From this day onwards,
I will not be manipulated. From this day onwards, I will do what is right and I
will take on the world. From this day onwards, I will be Ayanami's hero.
Her apartment soon comes into sight. I keep on running. I run and run until a
black car drives by and I see the man in that car. Everything happens in slow
motion. The car passes me by slowly. The man, my father, looks straight ahead
as he drives his car. I stop. What was my father doing here until so late? I
turn around and look at the car until it goes out of sight.
All of a sudden, the fatigue from all my running kicks in. I feel exhausted.
Just by seeing my father, I feel all the heroism in me leaks out. It is just
like air leaking out of a balloon. I am no longer the hero. I've returned to my
wimpy self. I drag my tired body up the steps of the building.
Somehow, I have a bad feeling about what lies ahead of me. Nevertheless, I hang
on and walk towards Ayanami's apartment.
Knock! Knock!
I knock on her door. No answer.
Knock! Knock!
I knock again, louder this time. Still no answer.
"Ayanami! Are you in there?"
Knock! Knock!
Silence.
"Ayanami! I-I'm coming in!"
I open the door. It's not locked. I know she doesn't lock her door. I did try
to convince her to install a lock. But she just never listens.
Her apartment is very dark. A single ray of moonlight shines through the window.
But it doesn't help much. I can't see properly inside her apartment.
"Ayanami? Ayanami?"
It is then I notice I'm not alone here, for there is a whimpering sound filling
the darkness of the room. It is soft and full of sadness. Ayanami, is that you?
Are you crying?
Of course it is…There can be no one else in the room who would cry like that.
"Ayanami? Ayanami? Are you all right?"
Her crying continues. I walk closer to her bed. I want to comfort her. I want
her to stop crying. I want to bring her the good news. I want to tell her that
I love her. I love her and I will make her happy forever. But when she comes
into my sight, my legs stop and my heart feels as if it wants to jump out from
my throat.
Ayanami…There is not much light, but I can see her. She is lying on the bed,
curled into a ball. She is naked, and her body is slightly shaking. I can tell
that. There is an odd smell. I can't tell exactly what it is. But I can pretty
much guess. I walk closer. There is blood covering her. She is wounded.
Then it dawns on me. My father leaving her apartment so late; her being naked;
the crying; the smell; the blood; it is all clear now. I feel an urge to vomit.
It is the most disgusting thing I've ever witnessed.
My father just raped the girl I love? This is too much…my heart just can't take
the harsh reality…
Run away! No! Hold her! She needs you! No! This is…
No I don't…I can't…It's too sickening…
And then I do something I would come to regret forever. I run away.
Rei's POV:
Everything, everything is lost now. The commander had been more violent than usual tonight. And when he was done with me, he just made me swallow one of those pills and put the rest on my study table and left. I was left to the loneliness. I was in tremendous pain. I couldn't get up. I saw blood. It was everywhere on my body. I wept. I hugged my knees and wept. I wept my heart out.
It was not the first time. But this time, it had happened after I learnt that Shinji loved me. I looked at my hands. I hated my body. I hated this dirty body. Not only was it covered with the commander's sins, it also served an evil purpose. It was weak. It was like a parasite. I hated being in this body. I squeezed my fists shut and I cried more. It was then I heard the knocks on my door.
Who would come at this hour? The commander wouldn't knock on my door. The doctor wouldn't knock on my door either. Shinji? Oh my god…oh my god…I don't deserve this. Please don't let this happen to me. Please…please…I beg you…please…I've had enough pain…I've gone through enough today…Please don't do this to me…Please don't break me…
I heard the door creak open and him entering my apartment. My heart was an icy cold as I heard him walk closer to me. Everything seemed to freeze as if fate was forcing him to look at my sorry self as long as possible. I could feel his eyes burning into my body. Now he had found out. It was the worst thing that could happen to me. I cried hard.
Part of me wished that he would come and hold me, calm me from my fears and give me the hope that I so badly wanted…
But Shinji chose to leave. My world ended when he left. I was so lonely. There was nothing more for me in this world. All hopes were taken away when he left. My prince charming, my knight, why did you walk out when I so much longed for your acceptance and care? My heart was hammered to pieces.
And now I lay here on my filthy bed. I cry all night, until there are no more tears to cry. But my heart still cries. It has never stopped crying. My only joy of life has been taken away. Shinji willingly left by himself. No one made him do that. He willingly left me here…
I've lost the only one who cared…
The morning sunlight shines across my window, lighting up my room with a gentle colour. But nothing can hide the darkness and loneliness I'm feeling. I'm still lying on the bed. This body would probably not last long. It would die soon. I am starving, severely injured and robbed of the only ray of happiness I've ever felt. Soon, I will wake up in the tank down in Terminal Dogma.
The cycle never ends. Rebirth, pain, death; rebirth, pain, death. The cycle will continue until the day my evil purpose is fulfilled. Ironically, it will also be the day the commander achieves his goal and live happily ever after. I'm here to achieve happiness for the commander. The same man who caused me all these sufferings.
But this time I know I will wake up to a world where no one cares for me anymore, not even Shinji…
It's taking forever for this body to die. I remain lying still on my bed until sunset and my room becomes dim again.
Darkness…the cruel void…Shinji, do you not understand the voices in my heart?
Knock! Knock!
The sudden knocks on the door are unexpected, but not unwelcomed. They break the gloom I've felt since last night. But who could it be?
Shinji? Shinji? Has he come back? Shinji!
I gather up what little strength I have and stand up. However, I fall straight onto the floor. The lack of any intake of food since breakfast yesterday has made me very weak. Nevertheless, I must see him. I try to crawl towards the door. I can hear him calling out my name. He has come back! The joy!
I didn't hear the door open. But he gently grabs me and carries me up. He puts me softly on my bed. I can't see him properly. My vision has become clouded. I try to reach up to touch his face. But he grabs my hand and squeezes it. I can feel droplets of warm water landing on my face. It must be tears.
Shinji, are you crying for me?
