Shinji's POV:

I'd not had any sleep all night. Ayanami's face haunted me. Images of her being helpless and being abused by my own father kept playing over and over again on my mind. The anger boiled deep within, but my heart ached terribly and my tears stung for what I had done.

I had hurt the girl I loved so much. I had left her when she needed me most, walked away so inhumanly like my father. What rights have I got to hate him? What I had done had made me more or less the same. I felt humiliated.

Humiliated for being the son of Ikari; humiliated for not being able to walk out of his shadow; humiliated that I'm worse than a man whom I will no longer be able to recognise as my father.

He destroyed her body, but I destroyed her love.

My heart screamed. The voices…there are so many voices…and they all belong to her…she is crying for help, but she's so far away…I can't reach her…I stretch my hand as far as I can, but my body is being pulled away by my own lack of confidence, and my hesitance in facing the truth, and my unwillingness to walk fires for who I love.

Every single scream I heard was a needle, slowly inserting itself into my heart, drawing out sweet blood and leaving me a lifeless pile of rotten flesh. The sorrow I feel will kill me. And I hope it does. I don't want to live anymore…just let me die, clear me of my sins and regrets and let me start anew…

Asuka came back early in the morning. She went straight into her room. I was scared. Would she come inside my room and scold me? Would she hit me again? No…please don't hurt me. I can't take it anymore; every single blow is now multiplied by the guilt I felt inside for leaving Ayanami to herself. I just wanted to be left alone…

After a while, she came out and left the apartment. She didn't even bother knocking on my door like she usually did. I pulled my blanket over and covered my head. The ear plugs of my walkman blocked away all the noises from the external world. This is my world, in the blanket, small and restricted and yet I only feel happy when I'm wrapped up inside my own world.

I feel ashamed; the music can't do anything to make me forget. It doesn't matter how good the songs are. In the end, when I pulled my blanket down and walked into the outside world, Ayanami would still be there, hurt and feeling despaired, and nothing I did so far would have changed. Because all I did was nothing, just drowning myself in self pity and somehow hope for a miracle to happen. That's the way I am…I feel ashamed…

I had the weirdest dream when I finally fell asleep. I dreamt that there were many Ayanamis floating in a tank filled with LCL. They were all smiling eerily, except for one. Instead of floating in the tank, she was crying softly in the centre near the orange pillar. She was sitting on the floor with her hands cupping her face. I could see her shoulders rising and falling as she cried. I walked towards her. I moved away her hands and lifted her chin. Her face was tears streaked. She looked so sad and hurt. Her lips were quivering and she was shaking uncontrollably. I could feel my heart break and I wanted to embrace her, but the images flashing in her eyes stopped me. I could see my father, Doctor Akagi and another brown-haired woman I'd never seen before; I could see my mother and a strange white man wearing a purple mask; I could see the Evas and the angels; I could see myself and Asuka. And then the images disappeared. Her eyes turned bright red and started to bleed. It was traumatising. I wanted to help her but I didn't know how. I begged for her to stay with me, but she smiled and melted into a pool of LCL.

The tears in my eyes woke me up. I sat up and wiped them away. I glanced at the clock. It said half past twelve at noon. The ear plugs were still in my ears. With my hands shaking, I reached up and grabbed them. This walkman…had always been there for me.

Every time I was given a problem, I could always come back and my walkman would always be there to sooth my pain. I guess it had a sentimental value to me. But when I unplugged the ear pieces, the problem was still there. Problems were not solved by running away and crying to the walkman. I had enough.

This walkman would control my life no longer. It represented me as a low-life, but escaping from reality was not the right thing to do. Ayanami needed me, but instead of embracing her, I had come back to this walkman. I don't want to run away anymore, and for that, I will take the first step in breaking the walls of fear I've so foolishly erected around myself.

Grabbing the black object, I threw it to the concrete wall where it was smashed into thousands of pieces. Break away…for I will not run away anymore.

I got out of bed to the kitchen. Sitting down by the table, I ate some left overs from last night's dinner. Misato cooked them. But with my current psychological state, I couldn't care less how it tasted like. I just wanted to regain my strength. I had a lot to do, and the first thing was to go see her again. I just hoped she would welcome me back. After I was done eating, I got up and left the apartment.

My legs started carrying me to her apartment but my mind was thinking of how I had suffered from low self-esteem. Because of that, I had made a lot of decisions which I regretted. But the worst thing I had done was leaving a crying and hurt Ayanami to loneliness. If I were given the chance again, I would definitely hold her, comfort her and take care of her. I know it's too late to think that way, but it's not too late to remedy the wrongs I'd done.

It didn't take me too long to reach my destination. I wonder how she is doing now. But Asuka had come to help her, so she should be getting better. Nevertheless, I wished to see her again. I must repair the damage I had caused. I didn't want to regret in the future. I knocked on her door. No answer. I knocked again. No answer again. I pressed down the door handle and walked in.

Her apartment was as dirty as ever. I walked into her bedroom only to find out that she was not there anymore. The door to the bathroom was open. I peeked inside but she wasn't in there either. She couldn't have gone to school, could she? I wanted to see her so much, but I was forced to wait. Dejectedly, I left her apartment.

There was no particular place I wanted to go, but wherever it was, I didn't want to go back home. It housed the painful memory. And I had promised myself that I would not go back again until I saw Ayanami. And when I finally saw her, she must come home with me. I would not let her be exposed to danger again.

It didn't hit me where I was going until I reached the train station. I bought a ticket and boarded the monorail train. As usual, I chose the most isolated seat and sat down. I remember doing this several times before. I would often feel depressed after fighting an angel. And then I would come here and let the train take me around the city, listening to my now broken walkman. It had always been a good way to lose myself and forget about everything else.

But this time, I simply couldn't get her out of my mind. I looked outside at the scenery. Soon the train had come to the outskirt of the city as I could see the vast farmlands and the tall mountains. This looked vaguely familiar. It seemed like I had been here before. The memories of this place sent a wave of warmth through my body, although I still couldn't be sure of when I had come here before. It was very vague.

I stepped off the train at the next station. Could this be…? I let my instinct guide me as I walked the familiar road. I felt lonely, because the last time I had visited this place, it had been in the company of a very special girl. It didn't take long for me to reach the small hill. I could recognize this place.

This was where Ayanami had brought me when she gave me the history tutorial. A lump formed inside my throat as I recalled the wonderful time we had shared when we were here. She helped me, and it's time for me to help her back. I only wished I could see her now. Slowly, I started to climb up the hill.


Rei's POV

Thanks for coming back.

I stared at the stream; stared at the water running so slowly; stared at my own reflection. Walking away from him had been hard, but my logic told me that the best thing to do was to let it go.

Sorry…I'm sorry…

I turned my face side to side as I examined it. The blue of my hair and the red of my eyes were lost in the water, but I could still see the outline of my face perfectly. For once, I found comfort looking at my own image.

Smiling slightly to myself, I reached forward and touched the cool water. Using both my hands, I cupped some water and splashed it on my face. It felt refreshing. I stared at the stream again. My image had disappeared momentarily but it returned almost instantly as I looked closer. Without my unique colour I looked like a normal girl.

Satisfied, I inserted my hand into my pocket and took out a small bag. It contained the pills that the commander had given to me two days ago. I emptied all the pills onto my hand. These pills had tortured me long enough. As I hold them in my hand, painful memories were brought back. I had been used like a tool ever since I was created. Not having actually known how it was like to live, I was locked in the world of the commander until Shinji came and suddenly there was hope.

The very same hope that was smashed, and then revived again. But I had learnt not to raise any expectation. Good things were never meant for me, and I shouldn't have been so naïve.

I closed my hand as tight as I could and squashed all the pills into little pieces. The moment they broke in my grasp, I felt freedom coming into me. And when I opened my hand and saw the little pieces of what used to be my curse, I let the tears fall. I didn't know why. Gathering what courage I still had, I let the wind blow the pieces into the stream.

Let the stream carry away my pain and sorrow. Let it carry away my nightmares. Let it carry away my dream and my hopes. The memories live in me but let the stream take my life away and free my soul, for no longer will I be bound.

Commander Ikari, I will not let you control me anymore.

"Ayanami…"

The sudden calling of my name nearly knocked the air out of me. I had not expected anyone to be here, much less him. I knew his voice all too well. But why has he come here? Did he know I am here? Turning around, I saw the special boy, the love of my life and the reason for me to live, standing in front of me. There were so many emotions inside me that I couldn't put it into words. Happiness, relief, fears and hopes all blend into a complex feeling.

What if Asuka had told him about my origin? I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared of rejection, even though I do not have long to live.

"Ayanami, I'm sorry."

"……"

"Can you forgive me?"

"For what?"

"Because…about that night…I…I ran away…I know I was stupid…please forgive me…"

"It is all right. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I left you! I could have helped you but I didn't! I just ran away! I'm so useless!"

"……"

"Hit me Ayanami…hit me…I don't deserve a life…"

With that Shinji broke down and cried. His body was shaking and I could feel the intense sadness and regret inside him. Seeing him like this really pained my heart. He didn't deserve this. But I didn't know what to do, so I sat down beside him. There was a part inside me that screamed for me to hug him, but I dared not to. Instead, I lifted up my hand and gently rubbed his back.

He then did something which surprised me…

Shinji threw his arms around me and cried into my shoulder.

I could feel my own tears forming too. To know that he cares for me this much is very heart warming. Trying hard not to be overwhelmed, I continued to rub his back as we sat there, hugging each other and crying together. I knew it, Shinji was not a coward. He truly cared for me. It was just so good to see him come back to me, and to know that fate had let us meet once again here in the meadow plain where we shared the dear memory.

When we were finally able to calm down, we just sat there beside the stream closely to each other. I could feel the warmth coming out from his body. Secretly, I wished he would hug me again, for I felt happy just by being so close to him. If this was a dream, I hope it was a dream that I would never wake up from.

This was the first time we were together after knowing how each other felt. It was bitter sweet. I rested my head on his shoulder. A pang of sorrow hit me when his body stiffened. Nevertheless, I didn't pull away as I thought he was just nervous. It wasn't true. We stayed like that for a while and when his body still couldn't relax, I moved my head away.

Shinji probably didn't feel comfortable with me. My heart ached at this realisation. But it didn't hurt that much anymore. I was getting used to it. When you get hurt as many times as I had, especially in these past few days, you start to feel numb and gradually the pain dies away.

"…This is not the first time, is it?"

Curiously, I looked at Shinji in the eyes, trying to understand what he was talking about.

"This is not the first time my father did this to you, is it?"

I shook my head.

"Why didn't you call the police?"

"The police can't help. They are afraid."

There was a very long silence after that. Shinji's rapid breathing could be heard and I could tell he was getting angry. A dreadful thought hit me suddenly. He wouldn't be thinking that I was too emotionless to feel painful enough to seek help, would he? There was nothing I could do to stop his father. I had tried a few times, but each time I tried to defy him, I ended up receiving an even worse punishment.

Please don't misunderstand me…I could feel my eyes getting watery just by thinking this. The last thing I wanted was for him to think that I was just an emotionless doll who let other people manipulate me without any complaints. I rubbed my now stinging eyes as I looked at him. His face was turned towards the stream but it showed no emotion. There was only a cold fury hidden within.

He must think I'm a dirty girl now. In his mind, not only do I have a dirty body, I have a mind of a doll which doesn't have its own free will. Does he feel that my touch will degrade him? Is my love really that unworthy? Is that why he doesn't feel comfortable with my touch?

"Run away, Ayanami."

"W-what?"

"Go to a place where my father can't find you. Run away from this place and never return. I…I will come with you…if you wish…"

"I wish I could, Ikari-kun…but I can't…it is not possible…"

"But…but why is it not possible?"

The disbelief showing on his face was clear, but there was just so much that he didn't understand. I could never run away and find peace. I wouldn't be able to survive without the pills, and the commander would only give them to me if I let him use my body.

I recalled that there was one time when I went to the doctor for help. I begged her to give me the pills. I was on my knees, grabbing her lab coat and crying. But she showed no sympathy. In her eyes I could only see hate. She loved the commander deeply. But I could never understand why she was willing to let him come to me time and time again while she should have been the one having pleasure with the commander.

Nevertheless, I didn't care much about what other people thought of me. The commander thought of me as his tool; the doctor thought of me as a lab animal; the major thought of me as a robot; Asuka used to think me as a doll; my classmates thought of me as a freak. I could endure all these insults. But I couldn't let Shinji misunderstand me. Losing control, I started to cry hard. I had to explain to him. I tried to speak normally but the hiccups kept breaking up my sentence.

"Ikari-kun…---I did --- try to stop your father --- It was no use Ikari-kun---…He yields much control --- over me. --- You…don't think --- that I'm an ---emotionless doll --- do you?"

Upon hearing my stutters, Shinji's arms wrapped around me and hugged me tightly. His show of care made me cry even harder. I grabbed on to his shoulder and buried my face into his chest. The flow of tears couldn't be stopped. So I cried out all the misfortune I had suffered in my life. I just let it all out. It just felt right to pour out my feelings with him hugging me. I must have cried long and hard, because when I finally stopped, it was already sunset and Shinji's shirt was all wet.

"Come stay in my home Ayanami."

Shinji had not let go of me, and he was smiling warmly as he said that. I could feel my face heating up once again.

"Let me take care of you."

It felt so good hearing him said that. I hesitated a bit, but before my mind could think properly, my heart had made the decision as I found myself nodding my head.

I let him hold my hand as he led me home to his apartment. I felt blessed that he had accepted me. He must not have known of my origin yet, or else he wouldn't have asked me to run away. But I did not want to reveal the truth to him, for I was scared that I might end up losing him again. Just for this once, I want to be selfish and keep him to myself. We walked closely to each other as I looked up to his face, enjoying this moment of fantasy.