Shinji's POV:
The weird dream came back to haunt me again, but there was something different this time. Hundreds of Reis were still floating behind the glass, but their bodies were melting away. At first, it was their hands falling off, then their eyes protruded out and dropped off from the sockets, and soon the orange fluid was all reddish with blood. I couldn't imagine the pain they were feeling. It was disturbing, but none of these could compare to their expressions…
They were all smiling…
As if they were…free…
Like last time, Rei was sitting at the centre of the room, crying. I went over and lifted her chin up. There was an empty look on her face. Instead of tears, blood flowed down from her eyes and down her cheeks.
The scream disappeared inside my throat as her face started to deform. It was horrible. I tried to hold on to her face, but it was dissolving…Try as I might, it was no use. The fluid slipped through the spaces between my fingers, just like a dream slipping away from my memory.
But it became even more terrifying when her face formed into a face that had been long forgotten inside me. It was…someone familiar…
Mother?
At this point my body spring up from the bed. Breathing heavily, I tried to reach out to touch Rei, but the only things I found were my blanket and the pillows.
"Rei!!! Rei!!!"
I ran outside the room to the washroom, screaming, afraid that she would be gone. But she wasn't in there.
"Rei!!! Where are you?!?!"
I searched the kitchen, followed by Misato's room. But she was nowhere to be found. When I still couldn't find her, there was a silent panic creeping up my spine. I opened the front door and peeked outside, only to find shadows casting away from the moonlight.
Dejectedly, I sat down on the sofa hoping beyond hope that she would suddenly appear and tell me she was just playing hide and seek with me. The anxiety was killing me. It felt as if I was walking into the execution room. The seconds slipping away cruelly…
Where is she?
Asuka's room!!! She must be in Asuka's room! Why haven't I thought of that? I've got to find her. She has got to be in there!
I bust open Asuka's door only to find her rubbing her eyes and looking at me curiously.
"Asuka! Rei! Have you seen her?!" I shouted. It wasn't my normal tone when talking to her, but there was an exception for everything.
"What are you talking about?" Still rubbing her drowsy eyes, Asuka answered.
"I can't find Rei! I looked everywhere in the apartment, but I can't find her!" I replied.
"You mean she's gone out." She started blandly.
"Yes…yes…no…she wouldn't go out just like that…" It was hard to accept that Rei would simply disappear, after how she treated me last night.
"Maybe she went back to her apartment?" Asuka asked.
"No…no…it doesn't string together…" The panic was coming back again.
"What doesn't string together?" She asked, still not understanding the situation.
"The dream…twice the dream…and she's gone…"
"Look Baka. This is your problem. You never think." Asuka said pointing her finger to her head.
I tried to sit down and think with a clear mind. It was an impossible task. Maybe Rei meant more to me than I had previously thought. It was especially painful knowing that I had done the same thing to her just two nights ago.
It wouldn't be uncharacteristic of Rei to just walk away without letting anyone know. She did that a lot of times before. But this time, it was done in the middle of the night. Something tells me this is wrong, but what exactly?
"Asuka…What am I going to do…?"
Upon hearing this, Asuka frowned and marched towards me. But she suddenly stopped when a note on her table caught her attention.
She walked over, picked up the piece of paper and scanned through the contents. I quickly got up to my feet and joined her by her side.
Dear Asuka,
When you read this, I believe I have already left this world. Do not despair. Instead, feel happy for I have been freed.
All this time, when I thought I was alone, you have always been there ready to help me, ready to show me care. I regret for the time I've lost. But I am grateful for the little amount of time we spent together. Thank you, Asuka.
I have given you all the information I have. I will stop the third impact myself. But you must make use of your knowledge. Defeat the commander, save your world. I trust you know what must be done. I apologize for placing this burden on you, but I can think of no one else better suited for this task.
Shinji will eventually know of my origin. When he does, please tell him I'm sorry. I do not dare tell him myself for fear of rejection. I wish to leave with the dearest memories, ones that I can take with me and treasure them forever..
Yours truly,
Ayanami Rei.
Strange, I had no idea what she was talking about. Maybe she had left a note for me too. I ran back to my room as fast as my legs would carry me. But in the end I still found nothing on my table. I tried to look inside my cupboard, and then my bag, and then I pulled away the pillowcase to see inside. When I tried to crawl under the bed, Asuka pulled me to my feet.
"Shinji, I fear Rei has become suicidal. We must start looking for her at once." She said solemnly, but beyond her voice I could hear a hint of panic as well.
Without waiting for an answer, she pulled me towards the streets.
My mind had been a blank since I read the letter. I do not understand what she meant by me knowing her origin. Is that what she has been trying to hide from me? And why is she leaving? What does she mean by third impact? What does she mean by defeating my father and saving the world? Questions have never come so easily to my mind. Worst of all, I had no answer.
And the girl dragging me across the street knew more than I did. This is so ridiculous that even I felt that I had had enough!! Why must I always be kept in the dark?! I threw away her hand and asked with as much resolve as I could.
"What is going on here?!?!"
"There is no time Shinji! We must go to Terminal Dogma!" She grabbed my hand again and pulled. But I stood firm as it started to rain.
"I will not move until I know exactly what's been going on." I hated myself for doing this, but I wanted to know.
Asuka's face turned into a full-blown frown. She moved her face so close to mine that I could feel her nose tip touching mine.
"As we speak, Rei is going down to Terminal Dogma to kill herself. I can't stop her alone; she will only listen to you. You can follow me and save her, or you can stay here and let her die. I'm sure you can ask her your questions if she lives." Tried as she might to sound firm, her sentences seemed destabilised by frequent trembles.
"Why would she want to kill herself? She was happy last night."
"Are you running away again? Remember what you did last time, it hadn't helped much, had it?" She said sarcastically.
If there was a place we should search for, it was Rei's apartment. Why would she need to go to Terminal Dogma to get herself killed? The panic had not left me, so I couldn't think. Reluctantly, I followed Asuka.
"Easy choice, isn't it? Let's just hope we're not too late." She finished her sentence with a shaky voice again; it didn't help my uncertainty much. The vivid dream I had came back to remind me of something. Somehow, I had a dreadful feeling that Asuka might be right. But it was the sudden realisation about Rei's conversation with me that suddenly hit me with a lightning.
It is better to love and lost…than never to love?
Asuka grabbed my hand again and ran. Subconsciously, I squeezed back at her hand and ran even faster.
Rei's POV:
The familiar corridors of Nerv passed through as I moved along casually. The security guards did not suspect me, for I was one of the very few people who had absolute clearance to every part in this facility. There were unfamiliar emotions flowing through me as I walked my last walk through this labyrinth.
This was the place where I had been created, and also the place where I would end my own existence. The many junctions and paths here represented the choices one had to make in life. This was what made each existence of beings unique and irreplaceable. But choice was something I had never been given, and being unique was something I never was. Sardonically, now that I had a chance to decide, death was my choice.
It wasn't long before I reached the room where my life was brought into reality. It was the perfect reflection of my own room in the apartment. The doctor had always told me that my soul was made from light and water. Whether this was her way of mocking me or not, I did not know, for I could see no signs of life in this room. This room was simply dead.
I continued my journey silently and soon I arrived at the place where the core of the dummy plug was being stored. I took a deep breath in and swiped my card. The metal door slid open to reveal hundreds of my clones inside. Seeing your own clones floating in a tank of LCL would take out anyone's breath, but not mine. The eerie smiles on their soulless face symbolize the insanity hidden within the walls of Nerv. To me, these were the evil creation of science, and they must be destroyed.
It was slightly surprising that I had to struggle to walk to the centre monitor. The strength in my legs seemed to have been lost. My AT field must be depleting and it would not be able to hold me much longer. This had to be done and finished quickly. I just needed to cancel the artificial AT field planted in the aquarium. This should be enough to dissolve all the clones.
With a stable rhythm, I started keying in the sequence needed for my own destruction, but as I type, my fingers began to shake violently; and soon it was no longer within my control. But I held on nonetheless.
Flashes of images appeared before my eyes…accompanied by flashes of emotions being felt deep inside…
Vengeance…
Commander Ikari, I owe my existence to you. I've tried to please you, but in return you've given me a life devoid of any humanity. I was willing to be your doll so that you would treat me like a daughter. But even little girls treat their dolls properly, giving them warmth and letting them have a place in their innocent hearts. You will understand that what I did is an act of vengeance towards you. When you realise that you can never be reunited with your wife, I will come into your mind, and haunt you with regrets for the rest of your life.
Defiance…
Doctor Akagi, you did not create me, but you are responsible for maintaining my life. I understand why you hate me with such a burning passion, but you've hated the wrong person. The one to blame for all your sorrows is the one you love most. I've managed to make the decision that will free me from him. I hope you too, will find the defiance in yourself, reject him and find your own peace.
Isolation…
Major Katsuragi, in the battle field, I act directly to your orders. Your decision decides life and death for me. But strangely, I find it hard to reach out to you. I was left out of the bond you share with the Second and Third Child. Was it your fault for not trying to know me? Or was it my fault for not trying to know you? Or was it because life and death mean nothing to me, as I would be born again and again after death, and each time you find yourself being curious, but not suspicious enough to ask why I seem to be immortal?
Regrets…
Asuka, I feel glad that I can call you Asuka. You are my first and only friend. I just wish we had more time together, and that you would be able to show me what it means to be alive. Asuka, please realise how fortunate you are. Look around you, there are people that care and accept you for who you are. You do not have to try so hard to be the best, because the thing you seek most is not success, not acknowledgement, but love and care.
The sequence was now all written into the control panel. A bright red button lit up and appeared on the top left hand corner of the keyboard. I stared at the monitor. It read:
"Press button to activate command."
I took a few more deep breaths. My hand lifted up with my finger pointing slowly towards the button. Closer and closer the distance got and within seconds it was within a touch of distance from the tip of my finger.
And then it stopped. Something was hanging in the air. At first, it was a numbing sensation at my hand. Suddenly, I lost all feelings in my body as my hand started to tremble more and more violently.
The AT field was wearing out.
Concentrate…concentrate…concentrate…concentrate…concentrate…
Are you truly willing to end it all?
What?
Are you truly willing to leave this world?
Who are you?
I am your soul.
What are you talking about?
Be honest.
Be honest?
Are you truly willing to let go of him?
Shinji…
Once I pushed that red button, I would never see him again. Shinji would be lost…forever…
My whole body started to shake uncontrollably as once again the familiar misery took over. Eyes were stinging once again. It wasn't painful in the eyes; it was painful in the heart.
Can I let go?
I can't.
But I have to.
Shinji, forgive me. If I can't be yours this lifetime, I will be yours in my next…
Raising my hand, I reached out to push the red button…
