Rei's POV:
I couldn't do it…I just couldn't do it…
Rebirth…pain…death…rebirth…pain…death…
Back to the never ending cycle…
What awaits me ahead of the path I've chosen?
The fluid around me is so cold…bathing my skin…the artificial skin…
Footsteps…I hear heavy footsteps…
"How is everything going, doctor?" A familiar voice…He was the father of the boy I love. My eyes were remained sealed; afraid to meet his eyes.
"Section 2 has confirmed that they couldn't find the medicine in her apartment. Video camera and panel records in terminal dogma show that she did try to destroy the clones." Another familiar voice…She was the doctor…
"Has her security clearance been cut down?" The commander asked impatiently with his cold voice. There was a rage hidden within. A sudden chill could be felt, as I dreaded the moment he would touch me again. I wanted to be kept inside here as long as possible. There would be no peace for me outside this tube.
"Yes, sir. Her card is now operating at a level four clearance. She no longer has access to terminal dogma." The doctor replied.
"And her corpse?" The commander questioned further.
"It has been taken care of." She answered.
"Does anyone else know about this?" He asked curiously. The fury was getting clear, and my heartbeat was getting faster. I was still keeping my eyes shut, but he knew…he knew I was awake.
"The Second and Third Child were at the entrance that night." The doctor replied.
"How is she doing?" Finally, the commander asked about me.
"She is awake. We can remove her from the tube anytime." The doctor said quickly, unsuccessfully trying to mask her joy. She had never liked me before, and even less since she had found out what the commander had been doing to me. But now it seemed that she was taking joy from my pain. The doctor and I both knew what the commander would do once I left the LCL.
"Then get her out. I wish to speak to her." The commander said firmly. The hair on my back stood up as I heard him. I didn't want to face him. There was no one here to help me.
"Yes, sir." The doctor replied as she keyed in some sequence on the control panel.
The LCL that I'm floating in was drained away immediately. I fell down to my knees. It was difficult to breath. The glass tube that used to surround me had been lowered, exposing me to the cold air outside. My eyes struggled to open as I coughed out the LCL trapped in my airways.
A gloved hand lifted my chin up and a cold voice whispered near my ear.
"Why did you do it?" He asked.
The dreaded moment that I had been so frightened of had come. I opened my eyes. His face showed no sympathy, only a cold anger harvested within him. There was no escape. If I was honest with him, and apologize, maybe my punishment would not be as severe.
"I'm sorry, sir. I promise it won't happen again." I choked out the words.
"I will ask you again. Why did you do it?" He asked with a cold, hard voice.
"I can't stand…I can't stand the sufferings, sir." I replied, afraid of what he might do next.
There was a short silence. And then, before I knew it, I was sent flying with a hard slap on my face. The blow was so strong that it nearly knocked me unconscious. Almost as quickly, a bittersweet taste washed over my tongue as blood trickled down my gum. I spat out some of the blood; two of my teeth came off with it. Before I could say anything, my hair was pulled up violently by a rough hand, and another furious slap hit across my other cheek.
When I finally opened my eyes again, the world seemed to be spinning. My cheeks felt as if they were on fire. The commander pressed my head to the cold hard floor and said in a low but firm voice behind my ear.
"I am your creator. You owe your existence to me, understand? You do whatever I tell you to."
For the first time in my life, I felt humiliated. Others had insulted me before, but I had never felt angry, but this time, instead of fear, I felt fire burning inside me. It was as if an unknown energy had raged through my body, and before I could think clearly, I shouted back at the commander.
"I don't owe you anything!!! You never loved me!!! To you I'm just a doll!!!"
I regretted it the instant the words came out of my mouth. Without any warning, the commander started kicking me with his heavy boots. He delivered blow after blow on my abdomen and limbs. It was made even more agonizing by the fact that there was not a single layer of cloth covering my body from his brutal attacks. My body felt as if the organs were being crushed. Every bone in my body feels cracked. In the end, I just curled myself into a ball and cried.
"If you try to defy me again, I will make the other two pilots suffer worse pain than yours. Keep that in mind." He said between breaths, clearly exhausted from his brutal attacks.
A chill was felt across my whole body as he said that. How could he be this cruel? Shinji is his real son! And Asuka…I knew only too well what he would do to her if I disobey his commands again, but what can I do now? I've failed…I've failed so miserably.
When he was finally done with me, he walked over to the doctor.
"Get her some clothes. And give her the pills." He ordered before walking away.
"You're not going to give them to her yourself?" She asked, trying to suppress a laugh, obviously finding humour in her sick joke.
"Not with her bruised body." The commander said plainly.
She nodded her head as the commander exited the room. The doctor then threw a set of loose gown at me and put the bottle of pills on the floor next to me.
"Get dressed. You have a synchronisation test this afternoon." She said emotionlessly before walking away, leaving me helpless on the ground. Her delight at seeing me in pain seemed to have faded.
I struggled to get up and dress myself as I thought about the commander and the doctor.
I don't want to go to the synch test…
Shinji…I want to see Shinji now…
Walking with heavy legs had somewhat become a familiar thing for me to do. Each time I was injured, I had to carry on myself. There was never anyone there to help me. I walked slowly and painfully to the Eva cages.
The walk there was strenuous and painful. The Nerv employees strolled along the corridors, not paying any attention to me. My head was still feeling heavy and my throat itched for me to cough. The strength in my legs was giving away slowly as finally they went weak and I fell down to the floor once again.
"Rei!!!" Someone shouted. I didn't know who the voice belonged to. It was when her hands lifted my slumped body that I recognised her.
"Rei are you all right?!" The major asked me. "You're injured! What happened to you?!"
"I'm fine, major." I said as I pushed away her hands. "I need to go to the changing room."
"What? But you're hurt! How can you go to the synch test like this?!" She continued to prevent me from standing up. When I tried to push her away, she said firmly to me with the tone of a superior. "Rei I order you to go to the doctor at once."
Order me? So I'm just a doll? Not just to the commander, but everyone else?
I slapped away her hands. "I can take care of myself, major." With that, I got up and left. She must have been surprised, as I am, for she didn't try to prevent my progress further.
As I walked slowly to the changing room, I began to regret my action. The major was trying to help me, but I reacted so harshly. It's the commander's fault…it's all the commander's fault…
This is a strange feeling…It's very new to me…
Am I…am I angry?
Leaning against the wall in the changing room, I let myself sit down and tried to think carefully. Why did I choose to return? There is nothing but pain and sufferings here. Why didn't I just die? Anger…fear…sorrow…dreadful feelings. I don't want to feel them again. I want to just die…
"Rei!!!" A familiar voice shouted, although I didn't bother to think who it was. My wounds made it hard to concentrate.
Before I had the time to look who it was, two thin arms embraced me into a tight hug as he burried his face onto my shoulder. Shinji…he felt so warm.
"Rei, I was so worried about you! Where did you go?" He asked, trying to suppress his sobs.
His voice was cracking and his tears trickled down my neck. At the same time, my own tears started flowing uncontrollably. Is this why I couldn't do it? Is this why I couldn't end my own life?
Maybe…it was worth it…to live again for Shinji…
Shinji's POV:
"Shinji…can you get off me please?" Rei asked.
My heart sank when I heard her say that. I had been so worried about her for nearly one whole week! I had checked her apartment but she wasn't there. I had gone to the Nerv hospital but they wouldn't allow me to see her. Not even Misato could get me the permission to visit Rei. I even got into a fight with Asuka because she wouldn't tell me why she had knocked me out that night. And if Misato had not just informed me minutes ago, I still wouldn't have seen Rei!!
And this is what I get? Rei, are you refusing me? What did I do wrong? Aren't you happy to see me?
"No Rei!!! I won't let you go again!" I found myself choking and hugged her ever tighter. I couldn't bear for her to leave me again.
"Shinji…please…" She answered softly.
As I hugged her tighter, I felt her body cringe. Her eyes were shut tight and her face looked miserable as I slowly let go of her.
"Rei? What's wrong?" I asked, feeling concern. She looked injured. Why hadn't I noticed earlier? Tears were rolling down her flushed, swollen cheeks as she hugged herself with her arms. She shook her head and bit her lips. I gently moved her arms away and rolled up her sleeve.
There were bruises all over her arms, and some of them were really bad. I rolled up her other sleeve, only to find the same thing.
"Rei? What happened to you? Who did this?" I asked.
She let out a soft gasp as my hand brushed one of the many bruises on her body. My father…it must be my father. My fists squeezed so tight that I lost all sensation in them. I gritted my teeth as boiling anger threatened to overwhelm me.
"It was my father, wasn't it…THAT FUCKING BASTARD!!!!!!" I yelled. As the deafening voice rang across the room, I got up and tried to leave before Rei stopped me.
"Let go of me Rei!!! I'll go and kill that BEAST!!!" Only Rei's hand prevented me from actually going. She was holding my ankle and begging.
"Please Shinji, don't! It won't…it won't help me at all…" She said with her usual quiet voice.
"I'll get Misato! Then we'll stop him!" I replied. The anger was still boiling in me.
"No! Please Shinji, stay with me… don't…don't leave me alone…" Rei begged.
My heart broke just by hearing her plead like that. I sat down by her side. I wanted to hold her in my arms, but I was so afraid that I would hurt her again. I felt so helpless. With her eyes fresh from crying, she looked so fragile. Why does something this horrible have to happen? This is so unfair. I started choking back my tears. If only…if only I could carry the burden of pain and sufferings for her…
It wasn't long before I felt something soft snuggle close to me. I put my arms around her gently, careful not to cause her anymore pain. She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes.
I made a silent promise to myself. I will never let her leave me again. I will protect her. I know I've been running away all my life, but for her I will change.
Despite her injuries, Rei participated in the synchronisation test today. I told her not to force herself, but I guess she didn't want anyone to be suspicious about her condition. I still couldn't understand why she refused to let anyone else know. When her image appeared on the main screen, the bruises on her cheeks were blurred by the orange colour of LCL fluid.
Throughout the test, I remained at the main control room. Her synch ratio was unusually low, and Dr Akagi was shouting at her throughout the test. At one point, I shouted back at the doctor. She seemed to be surprised and angry at my sudden outburst. She reminded me that she was my superior. I would have retaliated, but I kept my mouth shut once Rei signalled for me to remain quiet.
I rushed to the changing room as soon as she finished, and waited for her just outside the door. Soon, her small frame walked out. She was still struggling to walk normally, and the synch test had most likely drained away all of her remaining strength. She looked like a starved human walking alone in a windy desert.
I will never leave her alone again. I remember my promise this time.
I moved quickly to her side and offered her my support.
"Rei, would you like to stay over at Misato's apartment tonight?" I asked, genuinely hoping that she would say yes.
I was actually planning to let her stay with us permanently, but right now, the most important thing was to convince her to come over. She still looked as if she was hesitating.
"Misato is working nightshift today; Asuka has gone to Horaki's place to stay for a few nights…So there won't be anyone bothering you. Please?" I begged.
She gently nodded her head. Good! Just by thinking that we would spend the night alone made me happy. I wanted to show her how much I cared, and hopefully she would gain the strength to reject my father.
Slowly, but surely, my hand reached for hers and finally grabbed it firmly. It was not the first time we had touched each other, but it felt just as nice. We left the headquarters and headed for Misato's apartment. At first, we walked very slowly. She was still in pain. And then an idea appeared in my head. I bent down and signalled for her to climb onto my back. She blushed heavily at that.
"Come on, Rei! I'll carry you. It will be fun!" I smiled and tried to lighten up the mood.
Right now, it was important to make Rei feel comfortable, both physically and mentally. I must let her know that even if she had been dealt such a cruel fate, someone still cared for her. I have to make her forget about how my father treated her, even if it is just temporarily. I just wanted her to ease her mind and enjoy our time together.
She slowly climbed onto my back and wrapped her arms around my neck. I hooked her legs onto my arms and stood up. Her head rested on top of my shoulder. Unable to resist the urge, I turned my head and gave her a peck on her cheek. Her face turned a light shade of pink as I smiled at her. She looked at me, feeling slightly surprised.
But her lips soon curved into a small smile.
I walked slowly back home. I did so deliberately. I was savouring the time being so close to her. One of the things I love about Rei is the soft feeling she radiates. Whenever I see her, I feel an urge to protect her. And now I've taken upon myself the duty to protect her from all harm. I will give her warmth and she will never have to endure anymore pain again.
We reached home at around eight o'clock. I laid her down on my bed and pulled the blanket over her. I fetched her a glass of water and told her to get some rest. Then I moved to the kitchen and started to prepare dinner for us both. I finished cooking as quickly as I could for I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.
When I returned to the bedroom, she was sitting there gazing at the stars through the window.
"Do you like watching the stars, Rei?" I asked. She looked so beautiful. The room was dark except for the moonlight reflecting off her pale skin. There were bruises, but not even those could disturb her ethereal look. Her knees were drawn up to her chest, as she sat there with a longing expression on her face. It was subtle, but I found myself being able to see through it.
"They are very beautiful." She answered.
"How so?" I asked again.
She turned around and looked at me questioningly.
"I mean why do you think they are beautiful?" I explained to her.
She returned to her stargazing. I set the food down on the nightstand and sat down beside her on the bed. As I listened to her soft breaths, her red eyes sparkled under the starlight. She spent a while thinking before giving me a reply.
"Each of them is unique, sparking with its own inner light, and spreading its warmth to the surrounding." She said finally.
"And no matter what it faces, the light never fades away, and will always keep burning for eternity." I continued for her.
Upon hearing me continuing her sentence, Rei turned around and gave me a curious look.
"It is just like you, Rei. You have a great inner strength." I told her.
She blushed again. I smiled inwardly.
"Would you like to eat something?" I asked as I picked up a bowl.
"Yes, please." Rei replied.
She was about to receive her it from my hands when I stopped her. I pushed her shoulder towards the pillows and let her relax. Giving her a reassuring smile, I scooped a spoonful of porridge from the bowl and fed it to her.
"Let me feed you, Rei…" As I said this, my cheeks felt as if they were burning. I felt light headed and somewhat embarrassed at my own actions. But they felt right…It felt so right to do this for her…for Rei…
At first, Rei's eyes seemed to be questioning me. My heart was hanging on a thread as I feared that she would reject my offer. I waited nervously before she softened her expression and nodded her head gently. I was relieved, but happy nonetheless. The blush never left her cheeks as we ate silently.
Love brings peace to mind. The time I spent with her was golden. We both had worries, but when all we had was each other's attention, everything else went to the back of our minds. Rei and I gave each other exactly what we had been craving for. Just by feeding her like that, she made me feel useful, and I gave her my care.
That night, we slept in each other's arms. I know a storm lays just ahead of us, but for now, I just want to enjoy this moment of peace and love.
Whatever comes in the future, we will face it together. And there is nothing more powerful than the strength of true love. I told myself as we drifted off to sleep.
