Chapter 8: falling apart.

Shinji looked up, hearing the angered shouting from above, he knew it was Asuka as she hated needing anyone, it was the way she was, and ever since he met her he somehow knew she would be the bane of his life. Asuka was far too proud for her own good.

But that pride was just hiding the feelings she had within, things that lie just beneath the surface, Shinji knew this because had felt it during instrumentality, felt the festering hatred not really for anyone else but herself.

He continued to listen to the noise above, the yelling of expletives, the sound of items being tossed across the room, some of which thudded others shattered on impact.

Hikari lifted her head from its resting spot on Shinji's shoulder, looking over to her companion who had his eyes fixed on the ceiling above.

"Maybe you should go up and talk to her", Hikari Suggested.

The Noise above stopped suddenly and was replaced by a deathly silence as if Asuka or more accurately her anger had run out of steam. Shinji stood from his siting position and headed towards the old wooden stairs, each step was creaking under his weight as he climbed the staircase.

Upon reaching the first floor of the building he heard the quiet sobbing coming from the corner of the almost empty room apart from various crates, was Asuka crying?

"Asuka", Shinji began.

"Shinji", she said simply, while she wiped the tears from her eyes with her sleeve sniffling.

"I…" Shinji began but lost his thread and was interrupted before he could start again.

"Don't apologise Shinji"; Asuka spat out, almost spitefully.

"I wasn't going to", Shinji said looking away knowing it was a blatant lie, not that he really had anything to be sorry for, he had done nothing to be ashamed of other than save her life. He thought back to the little break in that the group had done only hours before. Shinji was confused at how he acted how confident he was, it was like there was another Shinji, within him a more confident Shinji that possessed him and took charge.

He felt the same when he piloted Eva, when he fought the fourth angel it was its first real manifestation, he had refused to run away and disobeyed a direct order to save the life of his friends.

He had failed them once when Touji's sister had got hurt because of him, he made a promise to himself that day when Touji beat him up – never again, he would not let anyone he cared about get hurt ever again.

Touji…

"Shinji, why don't you hate me?" Asuka spoke quietly pulling Shinji out of his self-analysis and into the hands of cold hard reality; not really expecting an answer she continued; "I've been such a terrible person to you Shinji, I deserve it you know... but you don't hate me"

"I tried to Asuka, I really tried to hate you"; Shinji began; "that day on the beach after third impact; I woke up and there you were - the one person that hated me more than anything in the world was the only other survivor. I was so angry"; Shinji said fighting back tears himself.

"But as my hands wrapped around you throat, squeezing the life out of you…I realised, that hatred takes so much time and effort", Shinji spoke soberly.

Asuka could only look down in shame as some of his words cut into her worse than any blade could for they cut into her soul and her heart, even though some believed she did not have one.

"Do you love her Shinji?" Asuka asked suddenly, completely changing the subject away from there own somewhat tentative relationship.

Shinji stayed silent for several minutes, taken off guard by the question, he stood there in stunned silence contemplating the answer, after some deep thought he really honestly didn't know.

It had been such a long time since he loved anyone, for so many years he had felt neither hatred nor love for anyone else, he might love Hikari but in all honesty he couldn't say for certain either way.

"I don't know", Shinji heard the words coming from out of his mouth. The look on Asuka's face changed for a brief moment it was the first time he had seen her unsure of herself save for the incident with the fifteenth the expression quickly vanished, replaced with false calm. Shinji had to really think hard if he'd really seen it at all.

'People change' he thought to himself.

This world had changed and it had changed them. Everyone who survived Third impact had changed not least of all the pilots and those closest to them. Asuka was no longer the self hating arrogant person she once was, now she was still the proudest person he had ever met but she had come to accept her mother's death and move on.

Hikari had changed to, before Third impact he could never have seen them together, she had Touji and he had…no one. She has given up on her dreams her goals in life have changed due to the cold hard reality of Third impact and for what ever her reasons she has chosen him maybe its her own way of dealing with her pain.

Shinji had changed to, he definitely wasn't the person he used to be, the person who would go quietly into the night, but he wasn't sure if he was the man he wanted to be either.

All the children, even Kensuke had grown up, been forced to grow up. When you deal with the devil, the devil doesn't change but it changes you.

"Asuka, what if we could do it over again", Shinji said simply, making Asuka look up at him

"You mean life?" she replied nonchalantly; "I don't know Shinji, knowing what I do, would I pilot Eva, would I save the world from the angels only to let a madman destroy it anyway...I don't know"

She could see Shinji visibly tense as he flexed his hand, Asuka sighed, this always happened when she talked of his father; "For all your fathers faults Shinji, he was right about one thing – Mankind is the Eighteenth angel."

She paused briefly; "Seventeen beings of power sent by god couldn't destroy us, we took up arms and used the tools of god himself to defeat our oppressors, but in the end, we destroyed ourselves"

"I had a choice you know, Rei came to me during Third impact…but it wasn't Rei", Shinji began; Asuka just looked confused; "She gave me the choice, Instrumentality or restore the world"

Asuka sensed where this was going; "You did the right thing Shinji"

"Did I?" Shinji said raising his voice; "One, no more nations, no more borders or war, true unity, everyone you loved or cared about with you forever…"

"At the expense of whom we are!" Asuka raised her voice to equal measure with Shinji's; "Even if it meant getting my mother back Shinji, I wouldn't want to live like that, it's too high a price"

"Can you say living like this is any better Asuka?" Shinji almost spat back.

"We're alive", Asuka spoke and she could see Shinji calm down; "sometimes being alive is enough Shinji"

Shinji felt all the anger at himself leave him, that well of self-hatred that had been slowly been building up since they woke up after Third impact finally fall away into nothingness replaced by simple emptiness

"Surviving is never enough Asuka, this isn't living", Shinji said turning around.

(0 0 0)

Hikari looked over at Kensuke who was sobbing quietly in his sleep, obviously thinking of his fallen friend, grief was a terrible thing, it was painful and emotional but it was also sadly necessary, people needed to grieve for those they lost.

She was drawn to her own action during the escape; she had killed at least a dozen men, everything they ever were or would be ended by a single bullet, a single pull of the trigger, what gave her the right? The only thing should could take comfort in is that once again it was necessary or they all would have surely died.

Pushing her grim thoughts away she pondered if she was really grieving for Touji or was she simply replacing him with Shinji, they were so alike in so many ways it was almost unsettling. Touji would hide it but he was more like Shinji than anyone but she knew that under that facade of cool he was just a timid kind boy, just like Shinji.

She heard the muffled raised voices from upstairs, where they arguing again? Asuka was the most stubborn person she had ever met. Hikari stood, yawning tiredly she started towards the wooden staircase, then she could clearly hear the exchange between the two now, this was something new, Shinji would never raise his voice in the past. Though what she heard next was something that would shake her to the very core.

"Do you love her" Asuka had asked, obviously referring to Hikari

There was a moment of silence then Shinji replied with a hesitant "I don't know"

Did he love her? Did she love him…Hikari honestly didn't know, she wasn't ready for that kind of question, she knew she loved Touji but she didn't even know if she was in this relationship for the right reasons yet let alone love.

She quickly doubled back fearing what else she might learn from this convocation, sitting back down; she pulled out an old photo from her pocket its glossy effect long faded due to mistreatment it was even wrinkled in several places.

"What would you do?" she quietly asked to photo of the boy she once loved, it was a fairly close face photo; Touji was stood there smiling scratching the back of his head. It was taken a day or two before he received the news he was chosen it looked so happy he had no idea that in 48 hours he would be dead. Hikari never blamed Shinji for his death, how could she? It wasn't his fault.

Shinji had told her everything, how his father had reclassified Evangelion Unit 03 as an angel and ordered its destruction along with the pilot, how he had used the dummy plug when Shinji refused to obey the order to kill his friend. Shinji had even gone so far as to place the knife in her hands telling her to kill him to take his life for Touji's.

Instead of killing him that night, she had embraced him and they spent the night sobbing in each other's arms one over a lost love and the other over a lost best friend.

Hikari was pulled out of her own memories by the sound of Shinji sitting down next to her; she looked over to his face, turning his head she looked into his blue eyes. He didn't look angry anymore, the self hatred that had been in his eyes was now gone but perhaps what was more scary is that they now looked empty and devoid of life.

Was Shinji really dead inside…even if you feel bad, you still feel, if Shinji really couldn't feel anymore was he even human?

The question played on her mind as she rested her head on his shoulder to let sleep reclaim her. Shinji simply kissed her forehead.

Notes: Pre-read done by Buzz. I have nothing else to add, other than sorry this too so damn long, haven't really been motivated to write recently