Rei's POV:
All was still in the room. The only noise disrupting the otherwise complete silence was the ticking of the clock sitting on top of the study desk. Occasionally, flashes of light wiped across the empty ceiling coupled with the sound of a vehicle speeding by the building. It felt so lonely. My arm stretched across to the mattress lying beside mine, feeling for someone. A low sleepy grumble was heard as my fingers brushed the shoulders of the Second Child.
I was not alone.
It all happened so sudden that I still couldn't understand what had just transpired minutes ago. When Asuka had dragged me to her room earlier in the evening, I had distinctly seen the change on Shinji's face. He had not been happy. I thought he had wanted me to stay with him, so I had waited for Asuka to fall asleep, and then I had gotten up in the middle of the night to go to Shinji's room.
At first I had thought that he had fallen asleep, so I had lay down closely beside him. It was then I had noticed the tears streaming down his face. I didn't know why he had been so upset. So I had started to kiss him, and the kisses had apparently calmed him down, for a short while later Shinji had started to kiss back. They felt soft and caring. Shinji had been massaging my back while we were kissing, and when his gentle hands cupped my breasts, it had felt so wonderful. Shinji's breaths had rapidly become heavy and lusty after that. It suddenly reminded me of a painful experience, but Shinji had seemed to be enjoying himself, so I had tried to relax and let him touch me.
But then his hands started to unbutton my shirt. His fingers had been slightly trembling but the actions had been hasty. I had looked into his eyes, and instead of the soft blue ones, I had seen the icy cold grey of the commander's. His hands suddenly began to feel rough; his breaths suddenly became malicious. I had grabbed his hands and tried to push him away, but he wouldn't let me go. The horror in the nights of my own apartment came back to haunt me.
Slapping his hands away, I had stood up as fast as I could and run out of the room. His footsteps were closely behind. I could hear his mumbles, but I had slid open Asuka's door, rushed into her room and slammed the door shut before locking it.
My own recall of the events was interrupted when a low voice whispered to me, "Hey are you alright?" It was Asuka.
"Yes I am."
"Are you sure? You were mumbling just now." She said as her hand reached forward and landed on my forehead. "You're sweating a lot."
"I'm fine. Do not worry." I replied.
"Ok then. Just go to sleep." Asuka said as she turned over to face away from me.
"I am Sorry for waking you up."
"It's alright." She said before falling asleep.
The long night continued as I lay on the mattress. Part of me wanted to go back to Shinji's room; the other part was too scared to do so. Hours passed by, and soon the dark blue of the dawn had replaced the black of the night. It was then my eyelids began to feel heavy and finally darkness overtook my senses as I fell into a dreamless sleep.
When I woke up, the sun was high in the sky and the room was brightly lit. The mattress beside mine was now empty. I slowly got up and walked to the washroom to clean myself. After that, I went to Shinji's room and knocked on his door. I waited for a few moments for an answer but none came. Before my hand could reach up and knocked again, a female voice called from the living room.
"He's not in his room. He went out."
Opening Shinji's door, I looked inside, only to find that Asuka was correct. Shinji was not in his room. Still feeling tired, I carefully made the short walk into the living room and sat down on the sofa. Asuka was watching a drama on the television.
"Do you know when he will return?" I asked.
"No, don't even know where he's gone." She replied before adding, "Your sandwich is on the table in the dining room."
Although Asuka had her back facing me, I found myself nodding my head. I went into the kitchen and sat down at the table. My hand reached for the sandwich and peeled off the cling wrap. It was cold, but the taste was pleasant. It reminded me of Shinji. Maybe I had been too harsh last night. The commander's shadow hung heavily over my past, and I was not prepared to be so intimate with Shinji yet. The uncertainties and fear were still too much for me to handle. I hoped Shinji understand.
He wouldn't be angry, would he? If so, I would just apologise when he came back. Shinji would be able to understand.
I was half way done with the sandwich when Asuka came into the dining room. She poured a glass of juice from the fridge and sat down at the table opposite me.
"When are you going to be honest with him?" She asked staring at me.
Her question brought up an icy chill inside my chest. I had not thought about how I would tell Shinji about who I really was. It would be a big shock for him, and I was afraid that he would leave me once he knew. I did not want to be alone again, not after what had happened recently. Deep down, I wish he would never find out, and that I could keep him to myself forever.
"I do not know." I replied.
"Aren't you being selfish? He deserves to know."
"……" I couldn't bring myself to answer back. Asuka was right. Shinji had the right to know.
"I know you're scared of losing him, but you have to trust him." She added.
"I need more time." I said.
"Let me tell you something, Rei," Asuka leaned forward as she said quietly, "If I were Shinji, I would rather find out the truth from you, rather than have someone else tell me."
"……"
"Just keep that in mind." She added before standing up and walking out of the room.
Her words kept lingering on my mind the whole afternoon. Asuka was right. It was my responsibility to let Shinji know as soon as possible. After what we had been through together, I was sure that he would accept me for who I was. Besides, there were only two Angels left, and Shinji would find out soon even if I did not tell him. I shuddered at the thought of the commander's plans creeping nearer. I had decided not to follow the purpose he had set for me.
After finishing my brunch, I sat down at a chair in the living room and began to think of a suitable way to give the information to Shinji. Should I be straightforward? Or should I slowly release bits of it to him? Should I tell him alone? Or should I tell him with Asuka by my side? Should I tell him in the apartment? Or should I bring him to the meadow plains? Maybe the special place would be able to remind him that no matter how I was created, that deep down I was still Ayanami Rei?
The seconds slowly ticked away, and hours passed by. Neither the major nor Shinji had yet to return. Asuka had fallen asleep on the couch watching the soap opera on the television. Still, I had not been able to come to a conclusion. It was hard making the decision and the planning had been fruitless. Shinji was the most important person in my life. He meant so much to me that I really wanted to make the experience as little a shock as possible. Deep down I knew I couldn't afford to lose him. Shinji was my pillar in this horrible period.
As I continued to think of the best possible way, the sun had set and the living room was illuminated with an orange light. It felt peaceful, but my heart was pounding uncomfortably. Shinji had not come back to the apartment yet.
The plan to reveal the information of my origin to him slowly faded to the back of my mind. Its replacement was a worry of where Shinji had gone for the entire day. Since two days ago, he had always been near me, trying so hard to make me feel loved and cared. It was unlike him to leave so suddenly and for such a long time without telling me.
I picked up my cell phone and tried to call him, only to hear the ringing of his phone coming from his room. Was he angry at me? Did he leave because he was upset by my actions last night? I didn't know it would hurt him this much…
Asuka had woken up. I told him of my concern with Shinji.
"Asuka, Shinji has not returned. It is already eight and…I am worried," I said.
"Huh? That idiot is still out?" Asuka asked, "Have you tried calling him?"
"He did not bring his cell phone with him," I replied.
"That's strange. I didn't know he had any synch test today. What about Misato?"
"She is not back either."
"Oh well, are you hungry? Let's get something to eat." Asuka said as she got up and walked into the kitchen. I followed her closely.
"Asuka, do you think we should go look for him?"
"Oh don't worry, he'll be back soon I'm sure," Asuka replied as she looked into the fridge searching for food. I stood there watching her take out some pieces of steak and a packet of mixed vegetables. She walked over to the cupboard and took out some potatoes. While Asuka went about with her business, my concerns increased until droplets of sweat started to form on my skin.
"Asuka…I am…I am very concerned."
She turned around and stared at me curiously. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
I hesitated for a moment, but then realised that I had to be honest with her if I wanted her to help me. "Shinji was trying to be intimate with me last night. I rejected him. I fear that he might be too upset…"
Her eyes widened at my confession. Nevertheless, Asuka said nothing as she walked over to the house phone. She picked the handle up and dialled a number.
"Hello? Misato? ...... Yes, this is Asuka. Have you seen Shinji? …… He was at Nerv? Has he left yet? …… You saw him leaving in the afternoon? …… Are you sure? …… Ok …… I'll see you tomorrow then. Bye."
She put down the phone before looking at me. "Misato said Shinji left the headquarters in the afternoon, he should have been back by now…"
"Asuka…do you think…do you think he's angry with me?"
"Don't be silly. He's not that type of person." Her words didn't calm my worries. If anything, what Misato had said had made my fear even worse. It must have shown on my face, for Asuka added, "It's all right. Everything will be fine. I'll go look for him in the neighbourhood." She said and walked towards the front door.
"Let me come with you."
"No, you have to stay here. What if Shinji comes back? I'll bring me cell phone. Give me a call when you see him." She said before disappearing from the door.
After she left, I went to sit on the sofa with a heavy stone hanging in my chest. The wait felt very long. The reddish orange of sunset was now replaced by a gloomy black. Only the white light of the electric lamp illuminated the apartment, giving it a dull feeling.
I started to regret what I had done. If only I had known how much pain my rejection would cause Shinji, I would not have done what I did. I would rather let him continue on and carry the agony myself. Shinji was part of me, and I really could not bear losing him. He was my only source of joy. I should have trusted him instead of letting my fear of the commander take over. What was wrong with me? Why was I so foolish?
The silence was broken by the front door opening and then closing. I quickly stood up and rushed to the corridor. There stood a thin boy with brown hair, carefully putting his shoes back onto the shelves. His hair was messy and there was dirt on his face.
"Shinji! You're back!" I said as he walked stiffly towards me. It was then I saw the hollow look in his eyes. Trails of dried tears streaked across his pale face. His lips were cracked. There was mud on his trousers. Shinji didn't look at me as he walked pass by without saying a word.
"Shinji, what happened?" I asked feeling concerned about him.
Instead of answering, he walked into his bedroom quietly, giving no indication of what had happened and how he was feeling. I followed him into the room and saw him lying on the bed with the blanket pulled up over his head.
"Shinji, are you feeling alright?" I asked as I sat down beside his bed. He gave no reply. "What's wrong?" I asked again. When he kept silent, I tried to pull down his blanket, only to find that it was being held firmly by his hand.
"Leave me alone." He finally said.
"Shinji?" Again, he gave no reply. "Shinji, please tell me what's wrong?"
Minutes passed by as neither of us said another word. When I put my palm on his back and rubbed him gently, Shinji suddenly sat up and threw the blanket to one side. His eyes stared into mine with cold fury and hatred. They reminded me of the commander and the doctor. The soft caring feeling inside those two blue eyes was gone.
"Don't touch me," He said.
"Shinji, I…I'm sorry about last night."
"Go away," He added.
"Please Shinji, I'm really sorry." I pleaded.
"I SAID GO AWAY!!!" He yelled. I was taken aback by his sudden outburst.
"Shinji, what's wrong? I-I don't understand," I said.
The next chain of events happened like a lightning. Shinji stood up, grabbed by shirt at the collar furiously, and dragged me across the room into the living room. I was too shocked to put up any resistance. He continued to pull me to the front door, opened it and pushed me through. I lost my balance and hit the floor on my back.
"Go! Go away and never come back! I don't want to see you ever again!" He shouted. Before I could think properly of what he had just said, Shinji slammed the door shut and all became silent again.
I stood up painfully and tried to open the door, but it was locked.
"Shinji please…I'm really sorry…" I pleaded, but there was no answer from the other side. A numbing sensation slowly crept its way up my spine. It suddenly felt chilly. Sweats started forming, and before long, my vision became blurred and tears started to fall.
"I beg you, please open the door…I am sorry…I cannot lose you, Shinji…please…" I choked out the words. Talking had become very difficult as a lump seemed to have formed inside my throat. I tried to open the door again, but it was still locked. My body suddenly felt very weak.
It had started to rain. An icy wind had risen. I was feeling so cold. My body started to shiver from the chill and the sorrow I felt inside. All the direction seemed to have been lost. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know where else I could go; I didn't know who else I could turn to. It all seemed lost.
Slowly, I stood up and started walking back to my apartment with my arms wrapped around my body. The rain drops hitting on my skin were freezing. For a moment, it had seemed to be just a nightmare. The streets were lonely, as was I. My wet shirt glued to me like a second layer of skin. Shinji had abandoned me. It was my fault. I could never do anything right. I didn't know how to please him. It was entirely my fault…
The tears didn't seem to sting anymore. All feelings I felt outside were numbed by the misery on the inside. The place in my heart where Shinji once resided now felt so empty. It seemed to be eating me, slowly consuming all the remaining life inside my lonely heart. It hurt so much…it hurt so much…
The walk back to my apartment seemed to take years. The sight of Shinji glaring at me angrily and shoving me out of his apartment kept nailing themselves inside me. I had an urge to vomit out all the sorrow, but when I bent over by the roadside, nothing came out. My head started to feel dizzy. When I finally reached the building, my legs were heavy as I struggled to climb to the fourth floor.
I arrived at the front of my door and opened it. It seemed so long ago since I had last been here. My eyes were still clouded with tears. I found it difficult supporting myself as my hands and legs kept trembling furiously. Walking over to my bed, I let my body collapsed onto the cold mattress.
What had I done? Why was I so foolish? And now even the person closest to me had chosen to desert me. Was there no peace for me? Was there only pain and suffering? I only wanted to be with him. It was all I asked for. Maybe…maybe if I went to him and apologise again tomorrow, he would forgive me. I hoped so…There was nothing else I could do…
My heavy eyelids closed as I felt two droplets of tears trailed down the side of my face. The cruel void I felt inside was horrible. Before I could fall asleep, I heard the door opening and then closing. This was followed by footsteps. Had Shinji followed me here?
At this thought, my body sprang up. I got off my bed and ran towards the front door. Shinji understood me after all. He had not left me. The darkness in my heart lit up suddenly. My hopes were alive once again, only to be shattered as soon as I saw him.
Instead of the thin boy, it was a tall man wearing a black coat. The dark brown hair and beard framed a cold hard face. His eyes were piercing and his breaths were lusty. It was the commander.
"No…" I gasped.
Without saying a word, his hands reached out rapidly and grabbed my shoulder. I tried to resist and push his arms away. A furious slap on my cheek knocked all of my strength away. He carried my body towards the bed and put me down. I felt my clothes being ripped off my body.
The rough kisses…the cold hard hand…the intense sharp pain…the blood…
Shinji had abandoned me…
The commander had come back to haunt me…
Was there no peace for me?
Was there only pain and suffering…?
I cried helplessly…I cried all night in the darkness…
