Shinji's POV:
The morning sunlight shone brightly through the window, giving my room a peaceful illumination. Birds could be heard chirping in the distance, and I could just picture them flying around, unbound and free. The fan spinning on the ceiling somehow reminded me of my life. It had always been empty. I was always hopeful, wishing that things would change for the better, and for a moment it had seemed that I had finally found the light of my life.
Footsteps could be heard approaching as I lay on my bed. Soon, my bedroom door slid open to reveal Misato standing outside, dressed in her red jacket as always. She looked at me, seemingly worried. I knew why she was here and what she wanted to say, but I didn't want to hear them. So I turned around and faced away from her.
A few seconds later, I felt my bed sink slightly as Misato came and sat on it. She put her hand gently on my shoulder.
"Shinji…"
"What is it Misato?"
"I know how you feel…"
"Please, Misato. I don't want to talk about it."
"Shinji, you can't lock your feelings forever…just let it out, you may feel better after that."
Part of me still couldn't believe what had happened. If only I had been a bit quicker, things might have been different. That final moment of her life would never be forgotten…ever. Unit-01's hand wasn't enough to seal her entry-plug away from the explosion; the fire went through the spaces between my fingers. While I was kept safe inside my Eva, Rei evaporated with the blast. No remains were found…there was nothing left of her…nothing…all gone…
I tried to fight hard. I tried to suppress the dreadful void inside my chest, silently wishing that this was just a dream, silently wishing that when I woke up, she would still be there holding me. Misato and I sat there in silence for minutes, before I decided to break it.
"…I want to cry Misato…but I can find no tears…"
"Shinji, there is no shame in crying for someone you love. If you feel like crying, just do it. Your tears can't change anything, but it will help you feel better."
"No…Misato…I feel that she is still somewhere around…"
"Shinji, you have to let go of her…It's hard, I understand, but-"
"No!!! You don't understand…no one does…Rei…The relationship I shared with her is something that couldn't be put into simple words…it hurt…it hurt so much…Misato…"
"When Kaji…when he…left…I felt the same way as you do, but things move on Shinji."
"How could you understand, Misato? How could you?"
"Do not doubt my faith for Kaji, Shinji!! It's just as strong as yours for Rei!!"
"Faith…Did Kaji die because of you, Misato? Did Kaji die in your hand? Did you see him die with your own eyes?"
"Shinji…" Misato seemed taken aback by my words, but I continued on.
"Rei died trying to protect me. Rei died when her entry-plug melted in my hand, and I saw her vanish with my own two eyes. How could you understand, Misato? How could you?
"Shinji…I'm sorry about what happened…"
This was followed by another long silence. Misato had her hand rubbing my back, trying to sooth the pain I felt inside. Still, no tears came. There were so much regrets, so much that whenever I thought of her, thousands of needles seemed to be poke my heart. I had never felt so terrible in my whole life. There was no reason to live anymore. I somehow wished that the explosion had taken my life along with Rei's.
"Misato…I don't feel like living anymore…"
"Shinji!! What are you talking about?!"
"It hurts too much, Misato, and I don't understand why I'm still not crying…Misato, why am I such a terrible person?"
"Shinji, listen to me. Rei sacrificed herself so that you could live. Your life does not only belong to you, it also carries her memory. Treasure what she did for you, Shinji. Don't be so foolish."
"Do you know what the last thing I said to her was?" When Misato kept silent, I decided to add, "I told her to go away…I told her, I shouted at her…I told her that I…I didn't want to see her ever again."
Finally, the sentence finished with a choke, and tears started to fall down. Rei must have been so hurt and so lonely, and I didn't even have the chance to say sorry. I didn't even have the chance to tell her that I loved her, and that no matter what happened, my love would never fade again. Rei must have left thinking that I hated her. And still, she was willing to sacrifice herself for me. It was all too much.
Misato embraced me lovingly as I cried onto her shoulder. I had never felt so cold before. Everything seemed lost. I cried for hours until I fell into a dreamless sleep from exhaustion.
When I woke up, Misato was fast asleep beside me on the bed. There were also trails of tears on her face. She had been working so hard for me and Asuka. Somehow, I wish I could say thank you to her, but I never had the courage to do so. I unbuckled her holster and put it aside on the study desk. Then, I pulled a blanket over her body, before leaving the apartment for the meadow plain.
While sitting on the train, I let my head rest on my palm and stared out of the window, watching the scenery fly by. It reminded me of her. She was always staring out the window in class. I had never asked her why she liked doing it so much. Maybe it was the birds? Maybe it was the fields and the mountains? Maybe it was the blue sky?
The blue sky shared the same colour as her hair. It looked so peaceful. Her smile was always so precious and sincere, but the beautiful memory pained me, for she was no longer around.
But her presence lingered. I could just imagine her smiling…there…right there in the distant sky…smiling warmly at me…asking me to carry on and be happy…
It brought more tears to my eyes. How could I live on without her?
The meadow plain did not appear changed since last I was there. The same old apple tree was still standing there waving at me. The sky was as clear as ever, and the stream running across the field was still dancing merrily. Not even the grasses seemed to have grown much, but something was missing.
I missed her blue hair, her red eyes and her pale skin. Our last visit here felt so distant, even though it was just a few days ago. The beautiful picture was still here, but the girl was gone. I tried not to cry, but I failed miserably. Slowly, I walked down the hill to the stream.
The water felt cool to my hand. It felt soothing too, just like her hand.
"You really do love her, don't you?" A voice said beside me. I turned around and saw a boy. Once again, he had surprised me by his sudden presence. It was the same boy with silver hair whom Rei and I met the last time we came here. I gave him no reply.
"Certain things cannot be changed, Shinji. Tragedies are common in the world of humans. Rei would have wanted you to be happy."
"You won't understand how I feel." The boy seemed to know a lot, but right now I was not keen about asking him anything.
"No, Shinji, I will never feel the pain you're feeling now, because I've never had a chance to know her. Nevertheless, her death was still a loss to me."
"What does it have anything to do with you?"
"She's the last of my kind."
"What do you mean?"
"According to the Dead Sea Scrolls, there were five Angels left before Rei and Armisael died. Only two of them had intellectual ability. One was Rei, the other is me."
"You…?! An Angel?" Somehow, what he said didn't manage to surprise me much. The loss of Rei was still haunting me. Besides, I already knew Rei was half Angel, and this boy shared the same unique appearance as Rei. Still, I had not expected that there was another Angel who could communicate with humans as Rei once had.
"Yes, Shinji, and depending on how well I can control my free will, you may have to terminate me soon, but know this, Rei was my sister, and I, too, share the grief for her death."
There was a long silence after that. We sat there close to each other as the wind gently blew. It was strange talking to this boy, but the loss of Rei had numbed everything. I could no longer felt anything except pain and sorrow. It was then I decided that I had spent enough time at the meadow plain. So I stood up and prepared to leave.
"I'm sorry. I still don't know your name." I said to the boy.
"I'm Nagisa Kaworu. You can just call me Kaworu. I'm actually the Fifth Child, but I guess it won't matter anymore."
"Oh…it's nice meeting you, Kaworu…and thank you."
"It's nice meeting you too, Shinji."
After that, I began walking up the hill and left the place. It will forever stay in my memory. When I went back to the city, the sun had nearly set. The orange sea of light sank another empty feeling down into my stomach. I didn't want to go back to Misato's apartment. Rei might have left, but a part of her still lived in me. I wanted to stay close to her, so I decided that I would visit her apartment.
It didn't take me long to arrive at her old residence. The room gave off a hollow feeling. Even the furniture seemed to miss her. It felt very cold and lonely. I went over to her bed and sat down. Memories of Rei started to come back.
The first time I touched her…I felt nothing. She was injured, so I decided to board Unit-01 for her. I didn't understand why I did it at the time, but now I understood. I wanted to protect her.
The second time I touched her…I felt queasy. It had happened right here. She just came out of the shower with only a towel hanging over her shoulder. I fell on top of her. For the first time, I thought she was attractive.
The third time I touched her…I felt warm. We had just defeated the fifth Angel together. She tried to shield me from its attack and was injured. I opened the entrance to her entry-plug. That night, for the first time, I saw how beautiful her smile was. And even with our plugsuits separating us, I could feel her warmth when I held her hand.
The fourth time…I just felt happy. I came to visit her at her apartment. She had burnt her hand while trying to make me some tea. I simply felt happy that she let me touch her hand, and that she was willing to listen to my troubles.
I guess Rei's presence still lingered here, even though she had left. Quietly, I brought a hand to my eyes to wipe away the tears.
It was then I noticed something unusual. There were shreds of cloths littering on the floor. Rei had always been careless in her ways of living. If they had been shirts or skirts laying around, I wouldn't have been as surprised, but these were torn pieces of cloths. I picked one of them up and looked closely. It was from the shirt Rei was wearing when I drove her out of Misato's apartment.
I quickly went and switched on the light. To my horror, there was blood on her bed. It suddenly became clear. She had been driven to Nerv in a black car just before we fought the sixteenth Angel. I had seen that car before. It belonged to my father.
As the truth sank in, I held the piece of cloth to my face and sobbed furiously into it. I had chased her away from Misato's apartment. She had no where else to go, so she returned here, and unknown to her, my father had been waiting here for her. It was then I realised how much sufferings I had caused her with my childish act. What had I done…?
The realisation had only managed to bring more tears and regrets to my already broken heart, but the sorrow soon turned into something else.
Yes…it was true that I was responsible for her death…but there was another one…a monster…
If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened…
My father…that fiend…That despicable fiend!!! I would take him down…I would take his life together with my own…
And then I would see him in hell!!!
I stood up and started walking back home. The anger was boiling furiously in me. Angry tears formed in my eyes and I wiped them away brutally. If only I had done this sooner, Rei might still be alive. I regretted not putting an end to that horrible beast when I had the chance. It was too late to do anything, but at least justice would be served and my vengeance would be laid to rest.
When I finally returned to Misato's apartment, I walked straight into my room. Misato had left, so I went into her room instead, only to find that she wasn't in there either, but I found what I was looking for nonetheless. Hanging on one side of the walls was her holster. I took it down and unleashed the sliver desert eagle.
Carefully putting it inside my jacket, I left the room and passed by the washroom. I heard the water running. Misato was probably in the showers. She had been so kind to me that I felt slightly guilty of what I was about to do. Nevertheless, I wanted to see blood tonight, and nothing would stop me. So instead of leaving a note, I mouthed a silent thank you to my guardian.
Asuka's room was next. I tried to open her door but it was locked. Maybe she was still blaming herself for not being able to save Rei. Just as I did with Misato, I mouthed a silent thank you to Asuka. She was more than a friend to me, and definitely more than a housemate. I guess, in a way, I saw her as my sister, someone who kept looking out for me and helping me.
After that, I left the apartment and head towards Nerv. I didn't expect to come back alive, but I would make sure that I sent that beast to hell before I drew my last breath.
