Author's note: Okay…I've got a few people to respond to this time…
First of all, I didn't know the idea of "Trinity" was used before, but I've now
contacted PitViper. This is as far as it goes; you
won't see me bringing up this theory again in future chapters. Thanks to those
who kindly told me.
Second, there are indeed a few plot holes in this story, and some of you
pointed them out. I can explain them, however, just not in the text here. You'd
have to sign up in forum 402 (where there's an existing "red tears" thread), or
in NotC (which isn't strictly R/S). Both addresses
can be found in my profile page.
Rei's POV:
"Shinji? Shinji is that you?"
"R-Rei?"
"Shinji! Where are you?"
"I'm here! I'm right next to you! In the cell to your left!"
My heart lit up; even the room seemed to have become brighter. The joy I felt was mixed with a pleasant surprise. How did he get here? Immediately, I crawled towards the wall on my left and pressed my ear against the cold concrete, hoping that somehow this would help me hear his voice clearer. Finding it difficult to believe my own ears, I waited for him to speak again.
"Rei? Can you still hear me?" It really was Shinji's voice! But…but how? Is this…is this real?
"Yes I can."
"Rei, I missed you so much! I thought you were dead, I thought I'd never see you again!" He almost yelled. The firm voice confirmed that it was the real Shinji.
"You were right. I was dead."
"Oh…" His reply was very quiet, and I almost missed it. There was fear and regret hidden in his voice.
Shinji was correct. These hands of mine…they were not the same as the ones I had before the Sixteenth Angel attacked. When I activated the self-destruct sequence, I didn't expect myself to be dead…to be completely dead. There had been many other clones in Terminal Dogma, until the doctor destroyed all of them. I was reborn, in a very different way than in the past. However, the will to die was still there. I could find no reason to live again.
No matter who I was, no matter what the spy had told me, I felt something missing. In the time I was down here in the prison, all I could feel was a dark hollow. It was always there in my heart, slowly absorbing my will…it felt so lonely.
But suddenly there was hope when I heard his voice.
Just as quickly, the hope faded…just a little bit. There was something different I felt. He felt so…distant…and I didn't feel as natural as I once did. There seemed to be something more than a wall between us.
"Rei…are you feeling alright?" Shinji spoke.
"I feel fine."
"Did my father…did he hurt you again?"
He did…In my apartment…after I left you that night…but whatever he did, it didn't feel as painful as being rejected by you…
"No, he did not." I lied.
"I-I'm so glad you're safe, Rei! When I thought you were…you were dead, I felt so guilty, so horrible, like there was no point in living anymore."
"I see."
"I was so foolish. I even went to see my father. I thought I would kill him and then…and then follow your footsteps…"
The doctor decided to interrupt at this point. "What did you say? You tried to kill your father?"
"Yes I did. I think he deserved it." Shinji said through gritted teeth, "and I'd have got him if it wasn't for-"
"You went to confront him alone?"
"Yes, and-"
"That was stupid of you. You should have discussed with Misato first."
"But I-"
"So you got locked up in here for nothing."
"That's not true! I shot him on the shoulder!"
"But you didn't kill him?"
"No…I didn't…the guards stopped me."
The doctor stayed silent after that. Residing in the cell just opposite mine, the spy decided to console Shinji. "Can't blame him, Ritsuko. He's still young. At least he has the courage."
Upon hearing this, the doctor laughed sarcastically, but she didn't say anything. Shinji was heard sobbing quietly after a long silence. So, he had attempted to kill the commander. For a moment I didn't know how to feel. Maybe Shinji only did that because he felt…guilty? Hearing him cry didn't hurt me as much as it used to. It felt plain and meaningless.
Why…why am I feeling this way?
Perhaps because he rejected me? Perhaps his eyes reminded me of the commander, but then why did I sacrificed myself for him? Why…
"Shinji did it because he loves me." I found myself saying loud enough for the other three occupants to hear clearly. Shinji's crying stopped almost instantly.
"I'm glad you understand Rei," he said with relief evident in his voice, "thank you."
"You are welcome."
The doctor kept quiet and looked away, but I noticed a faint smile appearing on the spy's face. Next to my cell, Shinji was heard moving noisily towards the front.
"Rei, go to the front, see if you can touch my hand." He said.
I did as Shinji asked. As soon as I reached the front left corner of the cell, I extended my right arm through the bars and started feeling around. At first, I could only feel the cold concrete, but then I felt a thin hand grab mine firmly and gave it a squeeze.
"Rei! Can you feel me?" Shinji asked.
"Yes I can."
His hand felt bony and cold. It didn't feel as fleshy as before. Although we still couldn't see each other, this form of touch gave a warm feeling inside my heart. It felt pleasant to know that he was so close to me. More importantly, it reassured me that Shinji was not the same as the commander. Once again, I found myself convinced that this man would never hurt me.
The environment was harsh, with the bad smell and poor lighting, but we stayed like this in contentment. I could almost feel his breaths. His grip on my hand was firm, and so was mine on his. None of us said a word, but I was afraid to let go, and somehow I knew he felt the same way.
"Shinji, I want to apologise for my behaviour."
"What? What behaviour?"
"I refused your advance."
There was a very long silence. My skin became moist with sweat as the tension inside me started to grow. Was that…was that not enough? Would he react the same way he did that night? I tried to tighten my grip on his hand, but received no reaction from him. Part of me was scared, scared of being hurt again. My heart…my heart was getting weak. My faith was fading. It could no longer take another blow.
"No, Rei. You didn't do anything wrong."
"What?"
"You did the right thing. I wasn't worth it. I was just being selfish." Shinji's voice started to crack; he was confusing me.
"What are you trying to say?"
"Nothing…Rei…nothing…I…I'm just glad we're together again." He sobbed.
Although I was still feeling a little baffled, one heavy stone inside me was dropped. Being forgiven was a relief, and his words gave me a pleasant sensation. There was, however, one other thing that I needed to explain. I didn't want to cause any misunderstanding again.
"Shinji, I have something to tell you."
"What?" His voice still not completely recovered.
"I am…" Gathering up the courage, I finished the sentence, "I am not human." I waited nervously for the reply, but it came much sooner than I expected.
"Oh…that…" Shinji's voice seemed to be getting smaller, "I know, Rei, I know."
"What did you say?"
"Ritsuko…Doctor Akagi told me everything."
At first, all went blank. Of all the possible responses, this was not one of them. He could have been angry, or sad, or surprised, but…this? I felt something creeping up my back. My fingers seemed to lose their sensations. My heart felt heavy. Asuka's advice appeared on my mind. She said Shinji would rather find out the truth from me than from someone else. Then there was a flicker of light inside me, and another, and another. With each flash, clues were pieced together until things became clear. Suddenly, I understood.
"You were away that entire day. You went to Terminal Dogma."
"Yes…she showed me the…the clones."
"You were angry because I did not tell you."
"Yes."
"Not because I rejected you."
"Not because you rejected me," Shinji repeated. "I thought you should've told me instead of hiding the truth."
"I am sorry, Shinji. I wanted to tell you, but you kept pushing me away. I-"
"No! It was my fault! I should've tried to listen! I didn't know…didn't know what I did would cause you such pain…I didn't know…" Shinji started sobbing again.
"You…you do not mind, do you? Who I am…what I really am…" The words were hard to force out. I wanted reassurance, but was afraid of another rejection. I did not think I could endure another heartbreak. Shinji had disappointed me many times, but somehow the affection was still there somewhere within me. I did not understand, and perhaps I never would. I just wish this time he would accept me willingly.
"No, I don't mind." Shinji replied to my relief, "I've been thinking during the time you were… away…and it made me realise something important. I just can't go on without you. I felt your absence everywhere I go…it was all so lonely…"
I found myself blinking rapidly. It was getting difficult to keep my eyes open with the tears forming behind them. These were…tears of joy…something new…
With tears still making their silent way down my face, Shinji continued, "I know this may sound mushy to you, but I want to be with you, always…I promise I'll never leave you again," he gave another gentle squeeze on my hand as he said this, before adding hastily, "and I promise this time I'll keep my promise."
His words were kind and thoughtful. A part of me wanted to be cautious and not to believe him completely; but deep down I knew Shinji once again had my full trust.
"I like it when you act…mushy." I replied.
There was another complete silence. Seconds later, Shinji's hand had started to heat up immensely. It felt as if it was burning. What was happening?
"Are you all right, Shinji?"
"Y-Yes! I-I'm fine!"
It was then I heard several footsteps approaching our cells. The guards only came for two purposes: the first, to escort the spy to the torture chamber. The other was to give us our food. Time was almost non-existent in the dark, and the only way to keep track of it was by the meals we had.
I was mildly surprised when three guards walked past my cell towards Shinji's. Instead of trays of food, they were carrying riffles. My hand grabbed on to Shinji's more tightly. His hand now felt cold. I heard a creak as they opened his cell.
"Ikari Shinji. You are to move to cell D5 immediately." One of the guards announced.
"No! Let me stay here! I want to be with Rei!"
"Take him." The same guard ordered.
There were noises of struggling. Being in the cell next to his, my view was obstructed by the wall. Suddenly, a rough hand grabbed my right wrist and gave it a painful squeeze. My grip on Shinji's hand loosened and Shinji started yelling, yet with the intense pain in my wrist, I could not make out the words. My fingers were getting numb. Moments later, I could no longer feel his hand.
Another metal door creaked open and the guard announced the same thing to the doctor. However, unlike Shinji, she obeyed the orders and gave no struggle. The five of them were seen walking to the front of the spy's cell. Their leader stopped and opened its door. They then shoved Shinji inside; the doctor walked in quietly before the guards locked the door and marched away.
Apparently, cell D5 was just opposite mine where the spy used to reside alone. The distance between our cells made it impossible for Shinji and me to touch each other again, but at least now we could see each other.
His hair was ruffled and filthy. Some of the locks were intertwined. His once gentle face looked pale and bony. His cheeks were sunken, but there was a faint blush. Like the doctor and the spy, Shinji came in here with his clothes unchanged. It was a white shirt with black trousers as he usually wore. The boy looked spent, but in his blue eyes I saw glimmers of hope and joy.
Shinji's next action was confusing. He took off his shirt and threw it across the corridor to me. Then, he turned and looked away immediately.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Rei, just put the shirt on." He replied, "I…I don't want you to catch a cold."
"Did you forget what I told you?" The doctor added, "She's now an Angel. Her immunity is far superior to yours or mine. Worry about yourself first you silly boy."
The spy decided to defend Shinji again, "don't mind, Ritsuko, let the boy be a hero." He gave me a wink after finishing the sentence. What did that mean? Shinji was still turned away from me.
Slowly, I picked up the white shirt and draped it over my body. I didn't mind staying naked, but the shirt felt warm. There was Shinji's scent on it too. It felt pleasant.
"Thank you, Shinji."
He finally turned around and smiled. "You're welcome."
We stayed silent for a while. The only sound I heard was our breathings. Shinji's words came back to my mind. I remembered he told me he cared about me…and I cared about him too. After some thoughts, I peeled off the shirt again. Before I could throw it back to Shinji, he stopped me, "No! I don't need it, Rei. Keep it for yourself."
I threw it back nonetheless. "You need it more than I do."
"No, Rei, listen to me. I want you to keep it." He said as he picked up the shirt. Before he could throw it to me again, the spy grabbed his arm.
"Rei is right, Shinji. Keep a healthy body if you want to escape from here."
"But-"
"Keep yourself warm for Rei. She wants you to have it. There is no room for decency here. We have to seize the chance to escape at any moment. So stay strong."
Shinji didn't argue anymore. Blushing heavily, he put his shirt back on. I had never completely agreed with the spy's job, but during the time we were down here, I found myself slowly becoming to like him. Shinji was still trying to keep his eyes away from mine. He looked very timid. It bothered me.
"Please look at me, Shinji." He turned and we made eye contact. "Am I disturbing you?"
"N-no…"
"I want you to feel comfortable in my presence, Shinji, no matter the circumstances."
This was followed by another long silence. I didn't know what he was thinking. Should I feel ashamed? Logic told me Shinji needed the shirt more than I did, but why was he acting this way? Did he not see me naked before? Why was it bothering him? No…there was another explanation…another desire…I wanted him to see me naked…perhaps I was only searching for an excuse…why…
"I love you, Rei." Shinji broke my thoughts.
"I love you too, Shinji." My reply came almost automatically, but words couldn't describe the feelings contained within those words. Reassurance…affection…perhaps…perhaps lust as well…It felt hot when I said them, but pleasant nonetheless.
The growing silence after that made the air feel colder. We sat there as hours passed by. It felt tiring as we waited for something to happen. Exactly what it was, we could only guess. Waiting…waiting for something unknown…it was so exhausting…it felt so long…
Despite all this, none of us fell asleep. I felt that I had a lot to speak about with Shinji, but couldn't find where to begin. Or perhaps it was only another desire of mine, to hear him speak, to have his attention. I wonder if we would ever leave this place again. The commander would come for me soon, and Third Impact would happen. Could I stop it? How? It was the reason for my existence, but not what I wanted. I wanted to be free, to be as far away from here as possible, to be with Shinji…
There were footsteps approaching…
How could I stop Third Impact? How could I get what I wanted?
Heavy footsteps…not rushed…but heavy and familiar…
They finally made me stop thinking about the future. Whose footsteps were they? Fear…I could feel a familiar sense of fear…like the nights in my old apartment…associated with the cold grey eyes…with the rough hands…with the penetrating pain…the commander…
A tall man dressed in black came into sight. He was alone. Commander Ikari looked around him. His eyes fell on Shinji.
"How does it feel like to be in here?"
Shinji ignored him.
"How does it feel like to be helpless?"
Shinji ignored him again. The commander turned around suddenly, aimed a gun at me and fired a shot. A piercing pain was felt on my left hip as I stumbled backwards. I tried to get up but my legs gave way. Seconds later, my limbs became too heavy to move; my vision was blurred and all strength felt lost. I could barely hear what they were saying.
"What are you doing?!?!"
"How does it feel to be humiliated in front of others?"
A door creaked open. The straws under me stirred as someone walked slowly towards me.
"Stop it! Stop it!!! Father no! Don't do this!!!"
There was some rustling sound. Through the fog of my eyes, I saw pieces of clothes being dropped beside me. They were black. Shinji's shoutings were mixed with the doctor's insane laughter in the background. What…what was happening? Shinji…Shinji was crying…
Something rough began to run itself along my body, through my legs, my stomach, between my legs…and stop on my chest. No…no…
"Please…father…no…no…" Shinji sobbed.
"I want you to taste the pain yourself. I want you to watch it." The commander said coldly, anger evident in his voice. He grabbed a handful of flesh and squeezed it painfully.
"Ah…" A moan escaped. It was agonizing. No…not here…not while Shinji was watching…no…
His rough hands continued to roam about. Shinji was crying; the spy was silent; the doctor was laughing. What should I do? What could I do? My blurred vision was now made worse by the tears forming. I felt the liquid steaming down my face, but what could I do…
The commander always did what he wanted with me. The pain…the sorrow…the loneliness…I soaked up all of them. Why did this have to happen? Why? Not fair…not fair…I wanted to get what I wanted. Did it have to end like this? What would Shinji think? How could I face him again after this? Not fair…not fair…I was a being…just like everyone else…An angel…why did this have to happen? Why?! Fight back…I felt the anger…felt the fire rising…time to fight back…
"LET GO OF ME!!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!"
The next series of event happened in a flash. First, my arm recovered. I swiped it downwards. There was a swish and an orange light. I felt something wet on my hand. My vision returned. There was blood everywhere…on my face…my chest…my stomach…my legs…everywhere…And then everything went blank with an ear splitting scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Seconds went by…and then minutes…the scream continued until it eventually died down as the commander's voice became hoarse. I opened my eyes again.
The naked man was lying very still on the floor. His face was pale; in his eyes I saw fear. Sweat was forming and his hair was a mess. Not even a single muscle twitched on his body, as if he was afraid a single move would end his life, or gave him tremendous pain. Both his hands were plastered to his groin, but in the dark I saw blood seeping out from the spaces between his fingers. A lump formed in my throat as I fought down the urge to vomit. I looked around, and as expected, a bloody pulp laid a few metres away from him.
It used to be his organ.
Although seeing him in this state brought a certain satisfaction, his presence instilled fear in me. I backed myself away to a corner. There, I drew my knees to my chest and watched him weep in misery. Everything else was quiet. For the first time, I managed to keep that special something…my virginity…something I protected from him, something he failed to take away from me…
"R-Rei! Rei! Are you alright?" Shinji was the first to speak. I nodded my head, not taking my sight away from the commander.
"Rei, listen to me," the spy spoke calmly, "there is a key inside his trousers. Find it and use it to free yourself."
I nodded, but did nothing. I couldn't find the strength to move.
"Hurry up before the guards come!" The doctor urged.
"Rei, just find the key and give it to me. This may be our only chance. I'll get you and Shinji out of here," the spy added, "I promise."
I nodded, but did nothing again. Then Shinji spoke.
"Are you hurt? Can you stand up? Rei! Are you sure you're fine?" Concern was evident in his voice. It gave me hope.
Slowly, I struggled to stand up. My legs still felt weak and I was getting a headache. I walked over and picked up his trousers. The commander was still too afraid to move. My hand reached inside the pocket until I felt something cold and metallic. It was the master key. I threw the trousers to the side and opened the lock on the door. It clicked. I stumbled towards cell D5 and unlocked the door. It creaked outwards and instantaneously Shinji came as I fell into his arms.
"Rei! Are you all right? Answer me!"
"Yes…I am fine, Shinji."
"You just generated an AT-field!"
Did I? I couldn't remember…I felt myself being wrapped in a piece of cloth. And then both my feet left the ground as I lay horizontally in Shinji's arms. He was carrying me.
"Come on, Rei, let's leave this place."
The spy walked hastily to the trousers and picked it up. He then pulled out a pistol from a pocket. "All right, let's go," he said as he jogged towards the exit.
"You three go ahead. I'm staying behind." The doctor said.
"Why are you not coming with us?" Shinji asked. The spy stopped. Curiously, I turned my head to look at the doctor too.
"I have to stay and play with my Gendo-chan." Her eyes looked hollow, but her face was serious.
The spy came over and handed her the gun, "here, finish him off quickly and we'll leave together."
The blonde scientist turned to look at me and for the first time, there was no malice or hatred in her eyes. They looked almost…apologetic. "No, I'll strangle him."
"We don't have time, Ritsuko," the spy replied, "You don't have to do this. There are other ways."
"It's something I have to do. You won't understand, Kaji, because you're not me. Killing Gendo personally doesn't mean the same to you as it does to me. You may call it spiritual."
"Are you sure, Ritsuko?"
"Tell Misato I'm sorry." She said firmly before turning to me again, "You're now an Angel. You have no need for the pills anymore. I…hated the wrong person."
With that, she started to walk slowly, step by step, towards the frightened commander. I wanted to say something but could find neither the words nor the strength. The spy gave a signal and we headed for the exit hurriedly. I wrapped my arms over Shinji's neck to steady myself. This was all starting to cause a headache. Closing my eyes, I tried to ignore this tense moment.
Why…why did the doctor do that? Was it for guilt? Was it for vengeance? I could almost sympathize with her. Would she be caught? She most likely would. What would happen to her? Did she deserve it? Someone being chained to the Evangelions…chained to NERV…just like me. Why did all this happen? What would happen next?
Shinji and the spy ran across corridors, went through doors and sneaked past guards. Sometimes, they would stop before continuing; sometimes, the spy would take out the guards quietly. Everything seemed to happen so fast, but I couldn't see them properly. The headache was still there. Minutes passed by, perhaps even hours. I didn't know; I couldn't feel. I tried to close my eyes, but the tense situation kept me very conscious, and when I opened my eyes, the white lights on the ceiling flashed by as Shinji ran with me being carried in his arms. He was sweating profusely.
"Shinji, I feel better now. Let me walk." My head still felt heavy, but I didn't want to be a burden to him.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded.
"Ok," Shinji said as he let me down, "Be careful."
"I will."
"Shh…" The spy motioned for us to keep quiet. He then sneaked a look in a corridor before waving for us to follow him. We did as we were told. It was then the alarm rang out suddenly and an inflamed red light started to flash repetitively.
"Come on!" The spy ordered firmly and we started to run. We managed to make several more turns before spotting a team of marching guards heading our way. They were agents from section two. Luckily, the spy was quick enough to hide ourselves in a storeroom as the agents ran by outside.
We continued to head for the nearest exit after that.
"Halt!!! Who's there?!" Someone called from behind. Before I could think, a shot was fired. I turned around and saw the guard lying lifelessly on the ground.
"Don't blame me," The spy said to the dead body, "It was either you or me."
Despite the situation, his face never changed. It was calm when he was looking out for guards; and gentle when he was looking at me or Shinji. The injuries he had didn't seem to affect him at all. We made some more turns and ran through a few more corridors before I noticed the slightly regretful look in his eyes.
"You want to go to the commander's office."
He turned to look at me with a surprised look. "Yes, you're right. This is the perfect chance to retrieve the information I need."
"Then why are you leading us towards the exit?" I said as we continued to run.
"Because you're more important. We can't let NERV keep you to themselves. Without you, Third Impact is impossible."
"Is that why you are trying to save me?"
"I'm also saving billions of others."
Suddenly, a shot was heard, followed by a gasp. The spy dropped his gun, but I picked it up immediately. We hurried through a door to the side before more shots were fired. I glanced at him. The spy's shoulder was wounded. Shinji slammed the door shut and locked it.
"Are you all right?" He asked.
"Don't worry about me," The spy replied as he took the gun from my hand, "We have to hurry, come on!"
Shinji and I followed him through several other doorways before coming to a junction. The way straight ahead would lead us out of the complex; there was another opening to the right. We stopped before it. The spy peeked into the right corridor. He immediately withdrew as several shots were fired.
He checked his ammos. "On the count of three, we'll run to the other side. I'll cover for you two. Understood?"
"Understood," I answered.
"Ok," Shinji replied and gave my hand a firm squeeze.
"All right then. One, two, three!!!"
We made a run for it, with the spy on our right firing shots at the guards. He managed to take two down before all three of us made it safely past the junction. We didn't stop. My legs were starting to feel fatigued, but we sprinted for the nearest exit. Several guards tried to chase us, but were stopped when the spy emptied his ammos at them.
His shoulder was starting to bleed badly. Unfazed, he tore a piece of cloth from his shirt and tied it over the wound. We were now defenceless without the gun, but the exit was near. A few corridors later, we came to another T-junction, but this time we were stopped by someone familiar.
"Where do you think you're going?" sub-Commander Fuyutsuki asked as he pointed a gun at us.
Shinji stood in front of me and stretched his arms protectively to my sides. The spy stood beside him. I didn't know what to do. It seemed that the spy had run out of tricks himself. I was lost. Was it going to end like this? Being put back into the prison again? No…I didn't want to go back again…I didn't want to go back to the commander. I found myself wrapping my arms around Shinji's waist as I thought of this.
"The way behind me leads to more guards. Take the other way. You'll find your friend waiting for you at the end," Commander Fuyutsuki said, to my surprise, "And take this," he handed his gun to the spy. "You might need it in the future. Good luck."
"Thank you." Shinji said. The spy nodded his head. We turned around and headed the other way. Deep down, I felt grateful. First, it was the spy, and then the sub-commander helped me too. It seemed that I had been wrong. People did care about me. Perhaps things weren't as bad as I had thought.
We didn't run into any other guards after that. Soon afterwards, we saw the exit and went through the door. A blue car was waiting on the outside.
"K-Kaji??" The major looked shocked.
The spy pressed a kiss on her lips before replying, "I'll explain everything later, now let's get the kids out of here first."
The major still looked surprised. When she saw me, her eyes widened even more. "R-Rei?? I thought both of you were-"
"No time for chit-chat, Misato, we need to leave now!" The spy urged as he pulled the major towards the car. He sat her in the shogun and took the driver's seat himself. Shinji and I climbed onto the back seats. The spy started the engine and sped out of the complex.
The fatigue from the running was finally starting to affect me. My eyelids felt so heavy, and Shinji felt so soft and warm. Closing my eyes, I lay down on his shoulders and drifted off to sleep.
