Blood Omen 2: Kain's training begins.
Me: It's great to see that people love my parodies.
Moebius: You suck! And I'm not GAY!
Me: Hold on a sec.
(The following scene has been censored because it's not a pretty sight.)
Me: I'm back.
(Moebius' body is on the ground; it's twitching a little but not much.)
Me: Oh by the way, he's what I left at the time chamber. Anyway here is pt. 2!
************************************************************************
(Kain walks out into the streets of Meridian, with lipstick marks all over his face, he cleans them off, he then taps is foot for no reason. Umah talks to him telepathically, her cloths are a bit loose but she straightens them.)
Umah: *using the Whisper* Kain. Do not be afraid.
(Kain leaps ten feet into the air.)
Kain: AAGGGHHH! What the hell are you doing?
Umah: *Using whisper still* I am using the whisper, actually it's a mini PDA that all vampires have, but let's just pretends it's an ability to make it look cool.
Kain: *Whispering* Oh okay. Yes I remember now.
(To himself.)
Kain V.O: She had been in my thoughts, gee I hope she didn't see my 'nasty' ones. I almost believed I had called her myself. Next time I would use my IM email name.
Umah: *Whispering* Never fear. I cannot read your thoughts, but only play with your head and make you nuts and you do so in return.
(She then gestures to the road behind her.)
Umah: Now make your damn way down the street. I will be waiting.
(She runs off, leaving Kain to follow in his own time.)
***Three hours later***
(He finally reaches her.)
Umah: What took you so long?
Kain: I was just killing people and looting their homes.
Umah: UGH! Anyway, welcome to the Slums, Kain. We are in the oldest and crappiest looking part of the city, where few people dare to come.
Kain: what about those guys?
(He points to a tour group passing by; a man dressed kinda fancy, who looks a lot like A-Hole from the SR parody, points to the two vampires.)
Umah and Kain: O.o
Huge ass: .and over here, you will see two vampires, most definitely plotting our doom.
(Several people take photos before they walk into a house and Umah then continues.)
Umah: Where was I? Oh yeah, this is a great place for you to train.
Kain: Train me? Do you take me for a dog?
Umah: SIT!
(Kain obeys obediently.)
Umah: Your memories are screwed up and your fat ass has lain dormant for two damn centuries. What kick ass skills you had must be recovered before you can be of any use to the Cabal. You must learn and to survive.
Kain: Hey I thought you said you were taking me to feed!
Umah: Bad dog!
(She smacks Kain across the nose.)
Kain: Ow.
Umah: Patience, jackass. First, know that your are stronger and faster than mortal men, able -
Kain: Duh.
Umah: AHEM! Able to jump higher than six feet. When you path is blocked, seek a place to jump.
Kain: Nah, I'll just blow it wide open.
Umah: *Agreeing* That'd work too. Uh, I mean no. Now join me up here.
(She withdraws from the ledge; Kain tries to get up there but keeps screwing up. After about ten minutes he makes it.)
Umah: Took you long enough. Know that you have the ability to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Kain: You mean I'm Ali?
Umah: No! I'm meaning you can float when you are falling.
Kain: Oh.
Umah: This will allow you to land silently with out alerting anyone. This will be useful for when I teach you how to kill. Now follow me, stupid.
(Kain privately replies.)
Kain V.O: She would discover I needed little training how to kill. Unless it how to stash the corpse away some where it wouldn't be seen and alert my foes, that would so useful.
(Umah goes on ahead, occasionally stopping so Kain could see her path, but running off as soon he got close, he finally reaches her.)
Umah: Slowpoke.
Kain: *puff* You *puff* Could *puff* have *puff* waited a moment. *Deep breath* This city is like a fricken' labyrinth.
Umah: *Whispering* All the better for killing people in, no one would be find their way around very easily. Tell me Kain, are you hungry?
Kain: *Whispering* Hell Yes!
Umah: *Whispering* I have a prisoner down below. Some thug, from a local gang. He sought out a 'good time' unfortunately he met me.
(Like always, Kain's patience wears out.)
Kain: *Whispering* JUST TAKE ME TO THE BODY!
Umah: *Whispering* Okay, keep your shirt on. Drink then. I will be waiting below.
(She vanishes and Kain heads below, drinks the blood from the body. She then regards him from a gate next to him.)
Umah: You full now?
Kain: Yep.
Umah: Blood is everything, it keeps you alive, blah blah blah blah. You know all about how it helps. Know that the more you drink, the more power you gain, and this is what we call a vampire's 'lore'. Get more and you will become an even tougher to kill, leave no one alive, kill them all. Let's continue.
Kain: Okay.
(The gate opens and Umah goes on ahead, leaving Kain to drain the blood of the people along the way, he gains a little bit more power and then meets Umah out by the waterfront.)
Umah: While we are superior to humans, we have our -
Kain: Yes I know, I'm not retarded from the long rest you know. Let's just continue on a little.
Umah: Fine. Open that chest over there, it's called a Coffer, it will give you lore.
(Kain goes over and opens the box.)
Umah: I spoke of our enemies, the Sarafan. It is their psycho crusade to kill us, and they made special defenses. Here is a Ward gate.
Kain: What the hell does it do?
Umah: If you so much as touch, it will really really really hurt. They have put many of these all over the town. Follow me into the sewer.
Kain: But it smells like poo-gas.
Umah: So.
Kain: I'm not going in.
(Suddenly Kain finds himself in the sewers.)
Kain: Rats.
Umah: Your ability to survive will depend on how you can keep you ass from being kicked, again, now we will see if you defend yourself.
(She attacks him, kicking the stuffing out of him many times.)
Umah: Jeez you suck.
Kain: Owies.
Umah: Let's try again.
(She goes at him again and he is successful.)
Umah: Good. We armed with a natural weapon - our claws, kill you enemies with them. Practice with me.
(Kain gets an evil look on his.)
Kain: with pleasure.
Umah: Oh poopy.
(The scene fades to black, we can hear Umah screaming and many sounds of things smashing, the scene soon fades back in. Umah is on the ground.)
Umah: *Dazed* @.@ You pass. Let's continue. I'll meets you a little bit ahead.
(Again Kain follows her through he finally comes across an armed human. Umah strides up to him.)
Umah: Here is you first true test. Some thugs have made a small home here, and one of them stands guard here. Kill him with your claws, you defend against his weapon, drain his blood, I will be watching.
(She vanishes and Kain kills the thugs in there and soon makes his way into the graveyard.)
Umah: *Whispering* In addition to our strength we also have dark gifts, one is the ability to go into mist form and -
Kain: I know become invisible, I had that in the first game you know.
Umah: Oh all right, well just use it here, where the mist is, you can use it to kill silently with out having to fight and to hide if your getting chased. Now use it on the people here and I will then let you continue.
(Kain heads down the steps and goes into the mist. He spots a thug frightening a common man.)
Thug: Give all yer' money.
Man: But I don't have any.
Thug: Then I guess I'll to ki-
(Kain has just stabbed the thug through the throat.)
Kain: *still invisible* Are you okay.
Man: MONSTER! AAGHH!
(The man runs.)
Kain: Why do they always do that?
(He finds the man and kills for no good reason. The gate opens and he heads to it.)
Kain: How much more training do I have to do?
(Suddenly he trips on a pool of blood and falls flat on his face in the street.)
Kain: Ow.
(Umah sees this from a distance and begins to laugh her butt off.)
Umah: HAHAHHAHAH!
Kain: Oh shut up.
************************************************************************
Me: Sorry I decided to end it here so I could think of a good joke for the ward gate part.
Kain: I think I bruised my head.
Me: Oh, suck it up.
(Moebius, who has been lying on the ground twitching for the past chapter begins to crawl away.)
Moebius: *In pain* Now's.. Chance.to escape.
Me: I don't think so.
(I suddenly utter words of magic and Moebius vanishes.)
Me: Please review and I will give you all a giant robot of doom that looks like Kain, also now you know what's at the time chamber.
Bye!
Me: It's great to see that people love my parodies.
Moebius: You suck! And I'm not GAY!
Me: Hold on a sec.
(The following scene has been censored because it's not a pretty sight.)
Me: I'm back.
(Moebius' body is on the ground; it's twitching a little but not much.)
Me: Oh by the way, he's what I left at the time chamber. Anyway here is pt. 2!
************************************************************************
(Kain walks out into the streets of Meridian, with lipstick marks all over his face, he cleans them off, he then taps is foot for no reason. Umah talks to him telepathically, her cloths are a bit loose but she straightens them.)
Umah: *using the Whisper* Kain. Do not be afraid.
(Kain leaps ten feet into the air.)
Kain: AAGGGHHH! What the hell are you doing?
Umah: *Using whisper still* I am using the whisper, actually it's a mini PDA that all vampires have, but let's just pretends it's an ability to make it look cool.
Kain: *Whispering* Oh okay. Yes I remember now.
(To himself.)
Kain V.O: She had been in my thoughts, gee I hope she didn't see my 'nasty' ones. I almost believed I had called her myself. Next time I would use my IM email name.
Umah: *Whispering* Never fear. I cannot read your thoughts, but only play with your head and make you nuts and you do so in return.
(She then gestures to the road behind her.)
Umah: Now make your damn way down the street. I will be waiting.
(She runs off, leaving Kain to follow in his own time.)
***Three hours later***
(He finally reaches her.)
Umah: What took you so long?
Kain: I was just killing people and looting their homes.
Umah: UGH! Anyway, welcome to the Slums, Kain. We are in the oldest and crappiest looking part of the city, where few people dare to come.
Kain: what about those guys?
(He points to a tour group passing by; a man dressed kinda fancy, who looks a lot like A-Hole from the SR parody, points to the two vampires.)
Umah and Kain: O.o
Huge ass: .and over here, you will see two vampires, most definitely plotting our doom.
(Several people take photos before they walk into a house and Umah then continues.)
Umah: Where was I? Oh yeah, this is a great place for you to train.
Kain: Train me? Do you take me for a dog?
Umah: SIT!
(Kain obeys obediently.)
Umah: Your memories are screwed up and your fat ass has lain dormant for two damn centuries. What kick ass skills you had must be recovered before you can be of any use to the Cabal. You must learn and to survive.
Kain: Hey I thought you said you were taking me to feed!
Umah: Bad dog!
(She smacks Kain across the nose.)
Kain: Ow.
Umah: Patience, jackass. First, know that your are stronger and faster than mortal men, able -
Kain: Duh.
Umah: AHEM! Able to jump higher than six feet. When you path is blocked, seek a place to jump.
Kain: Nah, I'll just blow it wide open.
Umah: *Agreeing* That'd work too. Uh, I mean no. Now join me up here.
(She withdraws from the ledge; Kain tries to get up there but keeps screwing up. After about ten minutes he makes it.)
Umah: Took you long enough. Know that you have the ability to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Kain: You mean I'm Ali?
Umah: No! I'm meaning you can float when you are falling.
Kain: Oh.
Umah: This will allow you to land silently with out alerting anyone. This will be useful for when I teach you how to kill. Now follow me, stupid.
(Kain privately replies.)
Kain V.O: She would discover I needed little training how to kill. Unless it how to stash the corpse away some where it wouldn't be seen and alert my foes, that would so useful.
(Umah goes on ahead, occasionally stopping so Kain could see her path, but running off as soon he got close, he finally reaches her.)
Umah: Slowpoke.
Kain: *puff* You *puff* Could *puff* have *puff* waited a moment. *Deep breath* This city is like a fricken' labyrinth.
Umah: *Whispering* All the better for killing people in, no one would be find their way around very easily. Tell me Kain, are you hungry?
Kain: *Whispering* Hell Yes!
Umah: *Whispering* I have a prisoner down below. Some thug, from a local gang. He sought out a 'good time' unfortunately he met me.
(Like always, Kain's patience wears out.)
Kain: *Whispering* JUST TAKE ME TO THE BODY!
Umah: *Whispering* Okay, keep your shirt on. Drink then. I will be waiting below.
(She vanishes and Kain heads below, drinks the blood from the body. She then regards him from a gate next to him.)
Umah: You full now?
Kain: Yep.
Umah: Blood is everything, it keeps you alive, blah blah blah blah. You know all about how it helps. Know that the more you drink, the more power you gain, and this is what we call a vampire's 'lore'. Get more and you will become an even tougher to kill, leave no one alive, kill them all. Let's continue.
Kain: Okay.
(The gate opens and Umah goes on ahead, leaving Kain to drain the blood of the people along the way, he gains a little bit more power and then meets Umah out by the waterfront.)
Umah: While we are superior to humans, we have our -
Kain: Yes I know, I'm not retarded from the long rest you know. Let's just continue on a little.
Umah: Fine. Open that chest over there, it's called a Coffer, it will give you lore.
(Kain goes over and opens the box.)
Umah: I spoke of our enemies, the Sarafan. It is their psycho crusade to kill us, and they made special defenses. Here is a Ward gate.
Kain: What the hell does it do?
Umah: If you so much as touch, it will really really really hurt. They have put many of these all over the town. Follow me into the sewer.
Kain: But it smells like poo-gas.
Umah: So.
Kain: I'm not going in.
(Suddenly Kain finds himself in the sewers.)
Kain: Rats.
Umah: Your ability to survive will depend on how you can keep you ass from being kicked, again, now we will see if you defend yourself.
(She attacks him, kicking the stuffing out of him many times.)
Umah: Jeez you suck.
Kain: Owies.
Umah: Let's try again.
(She goes at him again and he is successful.)
Umah: Good. We armed with a natural weapon - our claws, kill you enemies with them. Practice with me.
(Kain gets an evil look on his.)
Kain: with pleasure.
Umah: Oh poopy.
(The scene fades to black, we can hear Umah screaming and many sounds of things smashing, the scene soon fades back in. Umah is on the ground.)
Umah: *Dazed* @.@ You pass. Let's continue. I'll meets you a little bit ahead.
(Again Kain follows her through he finally comes across an armed human. Umah strides up to him.)
Umah: Here is you first true test. Some thugs have made a small home here, and one of them stands guard here. Kill him with your claws, you defend against his weapon, drain his blood, I will be watching.
(She vanishes and Kain kills the thugs in there and soon makes his way into the graveyard.)
Umah: *Whispering* In addition to our strength we also have dark gifts, one is the ability to go into mist form and -
Kain: I know become invisible, I had that in the first game you know.
Umah: Oh all right, well just use it here, where the mist is, you can use it to kill silently with out having to fight and to hide if your getting chased. Now use it on the people here and I will then let you continue.
(Kain heads down the steps and goes into the mist. He spots a thug frightening a common man.)
Thug: Give all yer' money.
Man: But I don't have any.
Thug: Then I guess I'll to ki-
(Kain has just stabbed the thug through the throat.)
Kain: *still invisible* Are you okay.
Man: MONSTER! AAGHH!
(The man runs.)
Kain: Why do they always do that?
(He finds the man and kills for no good reason. The gate opens and he heads to it.)
Kain: How much more training do I have to do?
(Suddenly he trips on a pool of blood and falls flat on his face in the street.)
Kain: Ow.
(Umah sees this from a distance and begins to laugh her butt off.)
Umah: HAHAHHAHAH!
Kain: Oh shut up.
************************************************************************
Me: Sorry I decided to end it here so I could think of a good joke for the ward gate part.
Kain: I think I bruised my head.
Me: Oh, suck it up.
(Moebius, who has been lying on the ground twitching for the past chapter begins to crawl away.)
Moebius: *In pain* Now's.. Chance.to escape.
Me: I don't think so.
(I suddenly utter words of magic and Moebius vanishes.)
Me: Please review and I will give you all a giant robot of doom that looks like Kain, also now you know what's at the time chamber.
Bye!
