Blood Omen 2 - Chapter 4: To the Sanctuary we go.

Me: I'm so glad to see that people love my parodies, even the new Little Red Riding Kain.

Kain: I still refuse to be a part of your ridiculous fiction.

Me: Oh shut up.

(I give Kain an evil glare and suddenly he finds himself in a red dress.)

Kain: O.O (Whimpers like that guy from Kung-POW whose cloths were torn up.) I'll get you for this!

(He runs off, with many Kain fangirls chasing after, wanting to get a picture of their favorite Vampire.)

Me: Well enjoy today's chapter!

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(We see Kain exiting through a door that he found, apparently thinking that it was a brothel.)

Kain: Dammit! I was so anxious to see what they had.

(Suddenly Umah appears a little ways above him.)

Umah: Boo!

Kain: AGH!

Umah: Ha! Now we're even. You have done well; I lost that bet about you getting your ass kicked in the Smugglers den. Perhaps our leader was right about you.

Kain: Ah yes, the mysterious leader, who the hell is he? Tell me.

Umah: Nope.

Kain: Please?

Umah: Nope, not tellin'.

Kain: Pleeze?

Umah: DAMMIT NO! I can't because of some damn reason. So just wait until you get there!

Kain: Fine.

(Umah then jumps over Kain, but screws up and lands butt- first on his head, knocking him to the ground.)

Kain: Ow.

(Climbs out from under her, he then responds in annoyance of the continuous orders.)

Kain: Go here, go there. What do you take me for, you paper boy?

Umah: No, your more like our mailman, Eike. You are no where near being able to command yet, get your ass to Sanctuary and wait for me there. My orders are investigate the Industrial quarter north of here. I will meet you at Sanctuary when I have gotten any news.

(She then continues along the rooftops, Kain shouts to her from the streets.)

Kain: I need answers, missy. I want the Sarafan Lord, and a hot dog!

Umah: As do we all, Kain - but the time must be ripe and juicy and you must be ready.

Kain: *Whining* But I'm ready noooooow!

Umah: Oh quit your whining.

Kain: Fine! Tell me where this damn sanctuary is.

Umah: Go to the Red Raven pub. Speak with the slu- I mean tapster; she will tell you what to do.

(She jumps from the rooftop to the next, but misses and hits just below the top and falls to the ground, the common people and knights stare at her in confusion, she then leaps up the roof and runs off. Kain shrugs and explores the area, killing everyone in sight, as always, he then makes his way through the path Umah took; he comes across a locked gate.)

Kain: It's locked!

Jerk Gate keeper Duncan: Of course ya' moron.

Kain: Shut up.

Duncan: This is only for the night shift workers only.

Kain: *Trying to act important* I am the night shift.

Duncan: You're not Jimmy or Ralph.

Kain: Damn. Can I please come through?

Duncan: No.

Kain: I promise I won't kill you.

Duncan: No.

Kain: Fine!

(He storms off, muttering many four-letter words until he enters the tavern and finds the sexy tapsters.)

Tapster (Trish, yes the one from DMC.): What can I get ya'?

Kain: *Not paying attention to her face, if you know what I mean* Mmmmm . Oh uh, Info, I was sent by she with huge breast and is vampire. You have a message for me.

Trish: I only know what they told me.

Kain: Who are they?

Trish: I don't know, I was a little stoned and just heard the voice, it told me this: 'Yo' bitch, stop wobbling and listen, seek the vendor near the crackhou- I mean warehouse, he has news for you'.

Kain: Is that all?

Trish: Yep. ( Just tell that punk Duncan that you work for Duckets Traders, he'll let you through to the workers' area.

Kain: Thanks.

(He then kills everyone else for no reason *I'm saying that too much am I?* and then returns to the gate.)

Duncan: I thought I told you to bug off. Workers only.

Kain: I work for Duckets Traders.

Duncan: Oh, uh, then come in.

(He opens the gate and Kain steps up to him threteningly.)

Kain: I lied.

Duncan: Oh crap.

(He is killed by Kain *I bet a whole lot of us did that to him in the game* and Kain continues on and finds another locked gate.)

Gate keeper (Phil): You need a password.

Kain: Blackhawk.

Phil: No.

Kain: Redswallow.

Phil: No.

Kain: I got it, Open sesami!

Phil: -__-, NO! GO GET THE GODDAMN PASSWORD FROM THE VENDOR, DUMBASS!

Kain: O.o Fine.

(He then makes his way to the vendor, he decides to pick a fight with some knights for no reason, he pulls out his sword.)

Knight #1: Sheath your sword!

Kain: I don't wanna.

Knight #2: Do it!

Kain: No.

Knights 1&2: That's IT!

(They take out tasers and shock Kain.)

BZZZZZZZTTTTT!

Kain: AAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(He is now all crisp and black, he opens his mouth to mouth out 'ouch' and a puff of smoke comes out, he thens uses his darkgift 'Fury' to whoop their asses and then kills eveyone in sight then talks to the Vendor.)

Kain: Yo'.

Vendor: Can I help you, sir?

Kain: Umah sent me. We are to have words. That's an odd of way of saying things

Vendor: Ah, you're one of them, aren't ya?

Kain: What the hell do you mean?

Vendor: Never mind. You're looking for Sanctuary, then?

Kain: YES!

Vendor: Okay, just look for the blue lady shop, it's under it, the password is 'evernight', since the guards have blocked up most of the town, use the rooftops and alleys to get there.

Kain: Thanks.

(He begins to walk away when the vendor calls out.)

Vendor: Watch out for snakes!

Kain: Huh?

(He then makes his way back to Phil.)

Phil: Password.

Kain: Evernight

Phil: Hey, ya got, what do ya know.

(He opens the gate, Kain kills him for no reason, like everyone else. He makes his way through town until he reaches an area with a Glyph guard. He glows when Kain gets behind him.)

Kain: Ooo, pretty.

Glyph Guard: What creature goes bump in the night? Step forth and die!

Kain: Yo', moron, I'm behind you!

G G: I knew that!

(He then looks around in fear of some one pointing out his stupidity and pulls the alarm. Two Sarafan guards appear behind Kain and attack, Kain whoops them old school and then makes his way across the rooftops to the place where the alarm is, he turns it off, but guards seem to be pouring out of the building, Kain fights off a few but they just don't seem to end.)

Kain: Screw this!

(He pulls out a flay.)

Kain: Hehehehe, Eidos doesn't know I smuggled this into the game.

(He pushes the guards back into the building and chucks the flay in as he closes the doors.)

Guards (all together.): Oh S#*T!

(We see Kain run through the doorway to the street in slow motion.)

BOOM!

Kain: *In slow motion* AHH!

(Kain is seen jumping in slow motion as the explosion takes out the building.)

Kain: Damn! Who knew it'd do that?

(He then continues on, he hears noises in one of the buildings and checks it out, he can hear people being tortured, he then checks out another building.)

Voice in building who sounds a lot like Moebius: No, what are you doing with that?

Voice who sounds a lot like Raziel: Oh, nothing special, Moeby-dickhead.

Moebius: No, no, no, NO!

(The scream is muffled as slicing and other gruesome noises are heard.)

Kain: O.o

(He then checks out another building.)

Woman: Yeah, that's right baby, just like that.

Man: Oh you like that? Well how about this?

(Giggling and other sounds can be heard.)

Kain: O.O

(He then makes his way into the way, due to the fact that the road is blocked by a Ward-gate, he kills the enemies there and then enters into a small square where a massacre has just occurred, several of the bodies are in pieces.)

Kain: Phew! Whoever was here must have been drunk or something.

(He spots a human being struck from above. The vampire laughs madly, really madly while the human crawls away and then dies.)

Sebastian: Who the heck are you? Who disturbs my feeding?

Kain: One who shares your thirst, and your curse. Man, that was a cool line.

Sebastian: Ah, a voice from the past. So the voices in my head weren't wrong, Kain walks Nosgoth again.

(Kain stares at him with a confused look.)

Kain: Who in name of the heck are you?

Sebastian: As much as I would like to kick your ass here and now, I must be going, I'm needed elsewhere. Goodnight New York!

(Drum beat.)

Kain: O.o

(Sebastian runs off. Kain runs after him, but he's just too weak to follow at the same speed, but on one rooftop Sebastian turns around and continues their conversation.)

Sebastian: How do you like my handiwork, Kain? It's been a real nice feeding.

Kain: You're a sloppy chef.

(He pulls out a taco in a doggy bag.)

Kain: You placed the cheese first then the tortilla and then the meat, it's crazy! Plus you jeopardize your presence by such killing.

Sebastian: O.o Uh, um, well you're the one who's even more screwed. I'm not the one in danger, you are.

Kain: You work for the Sarafan, then?

Sebastian: Not really, but I am a Jehovah's witness.

Kain: O.O AAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Kain runs like hell to the warehouse.)

Sebastian: I was only kidding.

(He walks off down the rooftop to where ever it is he goes, Kain arrives at the warehouse, again killing everyone there, and enters he at the lever that will drop the grate.)

Kain: Ooh, I wonder what this will do?

(He is about to pull it, he then sees the two humans who are talking below it.)

Human #1: So they come into my house and start doing some 'interrogation'.

Human #2: *Looks up* 0o0

Human #1: What's wrong?

Human #2: *Points up* eppp.

Human #1: Oh sh-

SMASH!

(Both are smashed and killed. Kain walks over to their bodies and drinks their blood he then jumps down the hole.)

Kain: Hmm, it doesn't smell like poo gas here.

(He makes his way through killing the female thugs and then gets to the street with the two guards, which he kills, surprise surprise, he enters the sewers and makes his way into the alley with the feuding thugs.)

Random thug: RUMBLE!

(The thugs clash in a big fight, Kain joins in.)

Kain: I love brawls.

**About three hours later**

(Kain leaves the alley, everyone there is dead, and he makes his way into the street and then sees that there is a ward gate blocking the entrance to the sanctuary entrance.)

Kain: Screw this, I'm busting into the store and going through there.

(He brakes the window and jumps in and uses the door to make it to the entrance of Sanctuary, he enters and finally sees the 'leader'.)

Kain V.O: Vorador. The reformed insurance salesmen. I had met once before when I went to buy a sports car, the bastard cheated me. I still knew not to trust him.

(He bows lightly as he addresses the old vampire.)

Kain: Ah yes, who but the biggest sale fraud would lead the resistance? I am honored Vorador.

Vorador: Will you just give up on that damn car already!? We are allies because I hate you, and you hate me. Welcome to sanctuary.

Kain: Hmm, not as good as your castle.

Vorador: Yes, but the payment for it is much cheaper. It will only last for awhile until the Sara-jerks find us.

Kain: Let's just skip the cheap talk already, I'm tired for this chapter.

Vorador: Me too.

(The wounded vampire enters.)

Wounded Vampire (Carl): Vorador!

Vorador: What!?

Carl: The s#*t has hit the fan, Umah has been captured!

Vorador: Oh crap. How?

Carl: She was caught near the industrial quarters as you asked. I stood guard outside. She whispered that she found something important.

Vorador: What?

Carl: I don't know. She wasn't able to say.

Vorador: Oh darn, well Kain, it looks like your going to have to save her.

Kain: Whoopdee doo!

Carl: She was taken to the stronghold and will be executed in the morning.

Kain: How do I get there?

Vorador: Seek the priest, he'll know how to get there.

Kain: What if she's dead when I get to her?

Vorador: Then her discovery dies with her. Meaning we're so screwed.

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Me: Sorry it took so long, been held up with school and such.

Please review and I will give the new *Drum roll* Moebius in a ball of death, yes he's trap in a ball and you can do horrible things to him!

Moebius: For the love of the elder god, HELP!

Bye!