1Blood Omen 2 - Chapter 6: The Sarafan Keep, a.k.a Idiot headquarters

Disclaimer: I do not own LoK or any other titles that may appear or cause itching.

Me: Damn, took me long enough, well here it is, chapter 6.


(We fade in and see a British newscaster sitting at a desk.)

Reporter: "Well to the NBC: Nosgoth Broadcasting Channel. I'm Arthur T. Gooberdongercatman. And this is the news."

(A series of shots from different places from the series appear, with cliche news scenes added in, like fire fighters in Dark Eden, and other such things, all this plays with cheesy cliche news music, when the intro ends, the camera pans back to Arthur.)

Arthur: "Good evening and welcome, tonight many shocking events have turned up. Recently people in the streets of Merridian have been killed, randomly, authorities are looking into the matter, claiming to have never seen such randomness since the Sarafan Lord was found drunk and naked in the streets claiming to be Adam West three weeks ago. We're live with a witness to one of the numerous slaughters."

(We quick-cut to a random human, looking all shocked.)

Random human: "I saw him do it, he was running and killing everybody, laughing and proclaiming himself to be canned tuna."

Arthur: "We also have word that a second man is running about causing chaos, just moments ago, at the Church, it was reported a man in a red coat with white hair was wondering about and assaulted by knights, but somehow managed to blow them all up, a servant at the area spotted him and has given us a rough sketch of the culprit."

(A picture of Santa Claus appears, though he's dressed kinda like Neo.)

Arthur: "We also were able to a sketch of the other man, who was said to pale, unwashed and highly annoying. I warn you dear viewers, this visage may be too hideous for the weak stomach."

(A picture of Fred Durst appears. Arthur can be heard off-screen vomiting.)

Arthur: "Sorry for the scare there folks, and just recently the Bishop was found passed out in the chapel, not unusual, but a dead shaved vampire was found on the alter, the Sarafan is looking into the situation, that's all for now, I'll keep you posted in later developments of these current events, and now, the regular fan-fiction already in progress."

(Kain has just arrived at the keep, Vorador, whose been keeping an eye with his high-tech cameras, happened to turn his attention from a ladies locker room cam and see the one at the keep where Kain was on-screen, picking his nose.)

Vorador: (Whispering) Well done Kain, you have made it to the keep at last, took ya long enough!

Kain: (Whispering) Well, it wasn't all that easy, ran into an friend, Marcus.

Vorador: (Whispering) Ah yes, the bald bitch looney, so I assumed another of the Sarafan's Lords guardians and other quartet members has fallen?

Kain: (Whispering) Does it seem like I give a damn?

Vorador: (Whispering) Many times I tried to convince Marcus to join up with us, I offered new hair growth methods and even free reign of the next musical, but he would not heed.

Kain: (Whispering) My way worked better, besides, no one loves how that hack worked.

Vorador: (Whispering) True, anyway, I sense Umah is at the top of the keep, you must hurry, she will be executed soon, and today's raffle winner choose for her to die by Elton John music.

Kain: (Whispering) Dear God, how horrible. OH, do you by any chance sense the Sarafan Lord? I want to kick his ass!

Vorador: (Whispering) I do not know, his presence is masked, that or he's on the internet, hard to get through when their on that. But if you happen to cross paths with him, I advise you get your ass out of there, or you can kiss it good-bye!

Kain: (Whispering) Run? Kiss my ass? Vorador you know I only did that once!

Vorador: (Whispering) Just go and find Umah, the info she got is too important to lose, also don't get caught, yada yada, now shut-up, I'm busy.

(Back at his secret camera room, Vorador turns to the other cam. Pervert. Back with Kain.)

Kain V.O: How I came to hate people telling me it was ok to now wuss out at times like this, how long I wished to kick the crap out that flaming bald jackass.

(Vorador is still talking through the whisper, though not to Kain.)

Vorador: (Whispering) Oh, look at her, must be exercising a lot huh?

Kain: O.o

(Kain runs off like mad to the keep, after killing everyone along the way, as always, he meets woman behind a gate, whom is guarding the ward gate.)

Cabal Woman: "Welcome, dumbass."

Kain: "You mistake me for something I am not."

Woman: "Oh just shut up, you know you are, anyway, I work for the Cabal. Now shut up and listen."

Kain: "Speak then, bitch."

Woman: "The woman you seek is at the top."

Kain: "I already freaking knew that!"

Woman: "I know, you will need me to open the gate for you."

Kain: "Then do it."

Woman: "First I want you kill this guy whose here for no real reason."

Kain: "Why?"

Woman: 'Because I said so."

Kain: "Damn."

Woman: "He's done harm to us, what harm you ask, he didn't bring anything to the annual picnic, his name is Artemis, go kick his ass and I'll open the door."

Kain: Sighs "Fine."

(Kain goes off and does so, along the way peeking into the may rooms, and witnessing many bizarre things, like a man and woman fighting with sporks. After killing Artemis who actually got himself killed by jumping into the moat when Kain began to sing bad Elvis impersonations.)

Kain: "The deed is done, now open the f#$ door!"

Woman: "Ok."

(Kain is about walk through when she turns it back on, bad idea.)

Kain: Eyes dilate really big and he gets a retarded grin on his face.

"Life is like a hurricane here in duck berg race cars, lasers, airoplanes It's a duck blur! Might solve a mystery, or rewrite history! DUCK TALES! (Woo)"

Woman: O.o0

Kain: "Da da danger watch behind you! There's a stranger out to you! What to do just grab onto some" -

WHOMP!

(Kain is struck in the head by a stale biscuit.)

Kain: "Thanks, I needed that."

(He continues on and makes it to the roof, he spots two Sarafan guards and Glyph knight.)

Glyph (Bob): "Bodies were found, and some of the playboys are missing, I want you to patrol the courtyard."

Guards: "Yes, sir."

Bob: "I'll guard the cell, now move it!"

(Kain goes mist and decides to screw around with the regular guards, who are slacking off.)

Guard #1: "I'm telling you, Sock puppets would totally own atomic aardvarks!"

Guard #2: "And I'm telling you now, Smurfs would kill them both!"

Kain: O.o0

"If I may but in, I'd have to say robotic cotton swabs would take them all down."

Guards: "Uh, kill him!"

(Kain kills them easily.)

Bob: "Hey you idiots, I thought I said get to" -

(Sees that their dead, Kain tries to sneak up but forgets that these guys can sense him.)

Bob: "I will slay you, fiend!"

Kain: "Look behind you!"

Bob: "Where?"

(Kain stabs him in the back, he didn't forget their total morons. He then enters the cell and finds Umah, caged and weak.)

Umah: "About f time, I thought no one would come, I was afraid I'd have to call in Luis for a favor. You are either stupid or nuts to come here."

Kain: "You will find me weak-minded."

Umah: "Go figure."

(Kain walks up to her but is stopped by a ward gate.)

Umah: "Idiot, go shut off the gate first, then save me."

Kain: "First tell me what you learned."

Umah: "And if I did, what would you do in my position?"

Kain: "Uh, strut my stuff?"

Umah: -- " I'm only telling Vorador, go turn off the gate already."

(Kain does so, but it takes him 200 tries Hah it only took me about 102, oh crap! before he realizes that you have to move that wall around, he returns and helps her out.)

Kain: "You're hurt."

Umah: "Oh that, yea I got that when I tried to scratch my butt and touched the gate. Let's get going, once I'm away from her, I'll have the strength to teleport us, or at least hail a cab."

(They head outside, but are being watched, Umah realizes this first, she gasps.)

Umah: "Get your hand off my ass!"

Kain: "Sorry."

Sarafan Lord: "What stupid moron disturbs my nap time? What furby dares to shed the blood of my cheap labor?"

Kain V.O: He had the sword, the Soul Reaver, the prize I won at the Avernus cathedral fair was in his damn dirty hands/claws/talons(?)

Sarafan Lord: "What is this?"

Kain: "You know me, you bald bastard!"

Sarafan Lord: "No. You were so dead, I even peed on your dead body and buried you in an inappropriate manner, your name drowned in a metaphorical waters of time passing. Your plans turned to utter crap!"

Kain: "Let those be your stupidest lines ever!"

Sarafan Lord: "You dare dream of killing me? That fantasy was written long ago and it sucked, when I defeated you. You learn nothing but how to be drunk, pathetic wuss.

Dare you to try and 'kick my ass' again?"

(Kain tries to fight him, the Sarafan Lord merely holds him back with one hand, like a bully.)

Kain: "Die Fiend!"

(The bald flaming head guy fires a bolt from the Soul reaver, knocking Kain on his ass.)

Umah: "No! Kain!"

Sarafan Lord: "Your fate is in my hands, as is your sword and your collection of Star Trek cups."

Kain: "You bastard!"

Umah: "He's too strong for you right now, with the reaver he could kick our asses quicker than Steven Hawking on LSD!"

(Kain tries to stand, but Umah holds him back.)

Kain: "No! Release me! Those are my cups bitch!"

Sarafan Lord: "I am you fate Kain, now and until next winter. However long you wuss out, you will come to me - for your owning bitch!"

(He tries to swing at them, but Umah teleports them just in time.)

Sarafan Lord: "Damn! Oh well at least they won't be bothering us for the time being, isn't that right snooky?"

(Moebius enters in a nightgown.)

Moebius: "I said to stop calling me that!"


Me: I know the chapter in the game ends after they talk about the stone, but its late, and I will continue very soon, please read and review. Also I implore all of you to read the new chapters in my Soul Reaver 2 fiction and the Blue vampire café.

See you later everyone!