Chapter 18 – longing and hurt
Draco woke the next morning to the sun shining right in his eyes. He grumbled and realised he was holding Hermione still, she was still sleeping, he lay there watching her breathe, he had never noticed she had a few freckles over her nose until now. He liked freckles but all witches he knew got rid of these with a charm because they didn't like them. Maybe Hermione didn't know it
Hah he thought to himself, Hermione not know a charm all teenage witches knew. He doubted it
"Morning" he said as she began to stir.
Her eyes opened wide in horror, and then she remembered why Draco was there,
"Oh morning" she said a little shyly
"How are you feeling?" he asked
"Ok, you?" she asked back
"I am ok too" he said and pushed his hair from his eye. He was still holding her but hadn't realised
"Draco could you let go of me now, I need to go take a shower before classes" she said
"Oh yeah sorry" he mumbled and got out of bed.
She made her way to the bathroom as he went to his room to change
Hermione went and ran a bath, then climbed in. she had put some peach oils into it. This helped to calm her and it worked instantly, she lay in the bubbles and even had a small smile playing on her lips
She was humming to herself when there was a knock at the door
"I am going to breakfast, see you in potions" Draco shouted through the door
"Ok bye" she shouted back 'he was so sweet' she thought
Hermione arrived at the potions classroom at the same time as professor Snape. He pulled her back as she went to enter the room
"Yes professor" she asked
"How are you doing?" he asked her
"Some days are better than others I guess" she replied
"Ok well if you need anything please feel free to come to me" he said,
This shocked Hermione totally and she thanked him telling him she would indeed.
There were rumours flying around the school that Professor McGonagall had retired because she felt so bad that Harry had committed suicide. Nobody had seen her since that dreadful morning, Hermione hoped this wasn't the case as she worshipped the ground her head of house walked on.
Classes went by very slowly and Hermione thought that if it wasn't for Draco she wouldn't make it through the day at all. But he kept talking to her, not even about anything in particular but just stuff to keep her mind occupied. She appreciated it and was glad of the company, she missed Ron terribly as well. It seemed everybody was leaving her, her parents, Harry, McGonagall and Ron. She knew the latter two were still alive but they weren't here were they, and she resented them for that. She didn't want to but she couldn't help it.
Hermione was sitting on the sofa in their common room doing her homework whilst Draco was patrolling, he came through the common room looking rather haggard.
"How was it?" Hermione asked without looking up
"Nobody about" he said "thank god"
"Draco" she said looking up at him "you have done so much for me, and you have been doing everything by yourself whilst I haven't been here. You look so tired"
"I am a bit tired" he said and looked at her "but it's ok"
"If you're sure" she said biting her bottom lip
"Yeah its fine" he said and started on his own homework
By the time he had finished it was two in the morning and Hermione had gone to bed ages ago. He rolled his parchment up and stuck it into his bag. He went to brush his teeth then went to bed. He was so tired but he couldn't sleep. His bed felt lonely and horrible
It was a long night for him.
Hermione slept fitfully, she didn't have any bad dreams, but she didn't sleep well. She woke up in the middle of the night and went down to get a drink, when she noticed Draco's light was on. She pushed the door open and he was lay on his bed staring at the ceiling
"Oh I saw your light on and came to check you were alright" she said embarrassed that he was just lying there awake
"Yeah I just can't sleep" he said
"You should, you need all the sleep you can get, and you have bags under your eyes" she said. She had never seen the slytherin look as pale as he did and she had thought he was about as pale as you could get.
"Thanks" he said "you know I don't comment on your looks in the middle of the night"
She laughed "good job too, I have looked a right state lately"
"I would never insult a lady so" he said sitting up and winking at her
"Mr Malfoy" she said and fluttered her eyelashes
They laughed
"Well I guess I better get back to bed then, I need my beauty sleep after all "she said
"Indeed" he said sticking his tongue out at her
"Charming" she muttered and hit him over the head with one of his pillows
"How dare you" he said pretending to be mad and hit her with another pillow
"Well really" she said indignantly "you want a pillow fight Draco? You got one"
And they started pounding each other with pillows. They were totally relentless and many things got knocked over in the process.
Eventually Draco had Hermione pinned to the bed and was holding the pillow menacingly just a couple of inches from her head
"Now you're in for it" he said and then collapsed
Hermione had tickled him, he hadn't been expecting that
"Why your ticklish" she laughed
"Shhhhh don't tell anybody" he said and stood up "and don't do that again"
"Why not?" she asked and tried again
He grabbed her hands "because I don't like it"
"Ok" she said and stopped trying
"Night Draco"
"Goodnight Hermione" he said and grabbed her arms. He pulled her into a kiss. It was passionate and full of longing. She didn't know whether to respond or not. She knew she cared for Draco, but she didn't know if she cared for him in that way or not
She was kissing him back. Her body wasn't thinking the way her mind was it just reacted to the kiss with as much passion as Draco was injecting into it. He was such a good kisser and she remembered the ball, it seemed so long ago now. Yet only as if it were yesterday then she remembered Harry afterwards and pulled away from Draco
She went to walk out the room
"Hermione, wont you wait?" he called to her
"I can't" she shouted back to him
"Why not?" he asked
"Why would I wait for you?" she turned round and asked him
"Because I love you" he said
"You can't" she said "it can't happen, you must find someone else, they would never accept it"
"Yes they would, we would show them" he said determinedly
"It doesn't matter Draco, it can not be" she shouted
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me" he demanded
"I don't love you" she said and stared him straight in the eye, she was shaking
"Fine!" he said and turned round and she left
It was just as in his dream, he was shaken by this and sat down. Who were they and why was she denying what he felt from her.
Hermione ran up to her room and sat on her bed crying, what was she doing? She didn't know. She did love Draco, she knew it deep down inside, she felt her heart break when she had said she didn't. She saw the look in his eyes, it was sadness, horror and confusion all rolled into one, and it had bored into her heart.
They wouldn't accept them, not ever.
They being their fellow students. They begrudgingly accepted their friendship but a proper relationship never. And Harry would turn in his grave she was sure of it.
She didn't know what to do. Plus she was scared of losing him seeing as that seemed to happen to anybody she cared about these days. She was frightened to let him in and frightened that she wouldn't be able to give him what he needed.
She was in for a long night, she lay down but sleep evaded her.
The next morning she hadn't hardly slept a wink and got dressed quickly, she went down to the common room Draco was working on some homework, he looked up at her and she met his gaze. He then turned back to his work without speaking to her. She felt awful at this and didn't know what to do, so she went down for breakfast without saying a word.
Draco ignored her all day. Dumbledore noticed they weren't speaking and was rather surprised at this. He noticed everything, he saw that Draco was sitting back at the slytherin table and Hermione was sat with lavender and parvati.
He was saddened by this as they had given him hope on his dream of interhouse unity and now it had taken a major step backwards. He knew he would have to speak to Hermione.
"Miss granger if you could come up to my office when you have finished your meal" he said as he was leaving the great hall
"Yes sir" she said and went back to picking at her food
She finished her meal quickly and was soon stood in front of her headmaster
"Yes sir?" she asked
"Would you like to tell me if you and Mr Malfoy are having problems getting on?" he asked
"We have had a bit of a fallout sir, nothing serious though" Hermione told him
"I see whose fault was this?" he asked
"Mine I suppose sir" she said and looked downcast
"Well I suggest you and Mr Malfoy have a long talk. I feel nothing solves a disagreement like a long heart to heart" he said knowingly
"Yes sir" she said
"Good evening to you Miss Granger" he said and Hermione left.
When Hermione got back to the common room Draco was sleeping on the sofa
"Draco" she said
"What do you want?" he asked harshly
"I want to tell you something" she said softly, she didn't blame him for hating her, she would too
"Yes?" he asked sitting up
"I do love you" she said
He stared at her
"I just am worried about what people would think, and I feel bad to Harry's memory after the last things he said to us" she explained
"Hermione you can't live your life worrying about what everyone else would think. You have to do what makes you happy, otherwise it will come to the end of your life and you will regret so much! He told her
"I know" she said "your right. But it's hard for me"
"I know. I am sorry I have been such a git today" he apologised
"It's my fault" she replied "I should just be honest with myself"
"That's not always easy to do" he said "with everything that happened to me over the summer, I grew up a lot, and now I realise more than I ever did before, so it's a bit easier for me"
"Draco do you think I will ever stop feeling sad?" she asked uncertainly
"One day" he said kissing her gently "one day, I will make sure of it!"
"Thank you" she said and kissed him back
