Chapter 25 – Subtle Changes
Weeks flew past and Draco had attended a few death eater meetings, he always came back very quiet and didn't want to talk to Hermione about it. After a day or so he would be back to his usual self and Hermione was glad, she hated it when he returned from those meetings. She had taken to being in bed now when he returned as it did hurt her that he seemed to push her aside. She knew it wasn't intentional and tried to imagine what it was like for him but realised she would never be able to imagine. So she tried to carry on as normal and not let it get in between them.
"So you want to go to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" she asked Draco as they sat at breakfast
"Sure" he said "Why not?"
She smiled at him. He smiled at her and gave her hand a squeeze. He hated the way he was hiding the meetings from her and yet he knew he couldn't tell her that he had been forced to kill that girl and that the meetings drained him and that he was scared that he would be turned from her
"hey"
she said and prodded his arm
"sorry" he said "day dreaming"
"I just asked if you were ready to go to class" she told him
"Yeah" he said "sorry"
"Its ok" she said and smiled at him
They left for classes and the day flew by yet again.
The next morning Hermione dressed in a pair of jeans and a purple sweatshirt 'no sense in freezing' she thought to herself as she put her trainers on,
Draco was just getting dressed in his own room. He wore a pair of jeans and a green woollen polo neck.
"morning"
he said and kissed her as he walked into her on the way out of his
room
"mmm good morning to you too" she said and grinned
"So you ready to go?" he asked
"Yes" she said and grabbed her bag from the couch where she had left it.
They made their way down to the carriages and found one easily most students ate their breakfast before they left but Draco said they should have breakfast at Hogsmeade for a nice change,
When they arrived they went to a small café and ordered themselves a continental breakfast consisting of croissants, orange juice and suchlike.
They ate and talked a little about how their classes were going and unimportant stuff like that.
"You know I'm stuck there, don't you?" Draco asked pretty out of the blue.
"Sorry?" she asked not understanding what he was referring to
"With voldemort" he whispered "until someone defeats him. There's no way out"
"Draco we will do something it just takes time and planning, I don't want you there any longer than you have to be" she said
"I know you don't. I was just saying" he said and ripped a croissant in half. He offered half to Hermione
"Thanks" she said taking it and starting to spread it with some blackcurrant jam.
"Its just I hate it so much and I feel like I am not the person I was" he said
"How do you mean?" she asked
"I mean that I just feel sad all the time, I feel like something bad is going to happen to us and I feel like I am going dark" he told her
"You aren't" she said "if you were you wouldn't care"
"Your right" he said and smiled at her "as usual"
"Don't worry Draco we will sort something out" she told him confidently
"Let's hope so" he muttered
They went to flourish and Blotts next, Hermione's favourite shop. Where she browsed the books for a little while, before buying one about past death eaters and their missions. She wanted to know what Draco was going through and if he wasn't going to tell her she would have to find out on her own, course she could ask Snape but she doubted he would tell her. Draco would have asked him not to.
Draco bought himself a diary. He had never kept one before. His father would have been livid if he had but he felt that he needed to write his secrets somewhere.
Soon
after they were walking along the street hand in hand when Draco
clutched his forearm.
"I have to go" he said "I'm sorry"
"Its ok you go" she sighed "I understand"
"See you later" he said and pecked her cheek
He went to the three broomsticks and used the floo there.
Hermione got a carriage back to the school and went to bed and started reading her book. It was quite graphic with some of the descriptions of some of the horrors death eaters had inflicted upon the innocent.
Meanwhile
"Malfoy" Voldemort said as his newest recruit entered the marble hall
"Yes my lord" Draco said bowing
"We have a matter of importance" Voldemort told him "it concerns a witch, she was a death eater and she ran away. We have found her and we now insist she is killed"
"Yes my lord" Draco said "who is it?"
"Narcissa Malfoy" voldemort sneered "and you will kill her"
"My mother?" he asked "why do you want me to kill my own mother?"
"Because she was traitorous to us and she deserves to die" he told him
"I understand that, but why me?" Draco asked again
"Because it will prove your loyalty to me more than anything else could" voldemort said sternly
"I see" he said, he couldn't kill his own mother could he?
Then he would die, he wanted to be with Hermione what else could he do. And his mother wasn't exactly an innocent.
He would have to do it. He had no choice
He looked over at professor Snape. Hidden by his mask shook his head at Draco. Did he mean for him to not do it? What will happen if I don't? He looked at Snape again and Snape nodded his head vigorously. Draco didn't realise voldemort was looking at Snape and that he had no choice but to nod his head to him.
"Bellatrix, fetch Narcissa" voldemort ordered
"Yes my lord" the female death eater said and left to go to the dungeons
"I hope you are ready for this" voldemort cackled "it will give me great pleasure to watch this"
Draco took a deep breath, his mother had disowned him near enough she had shown she didn't care about him, but then it had been hard for her after all Lucius had done to her. Hermione really wouldn't forgive him for this. She must never ever find out.
"Narcissa"
Voldemort snarled at the woman that was dragged into the room. She
was filthy and she had been badly beaten that much Draco could tell.
She looked at her son and gasped.
He tried not to meet her eyes
but the harder he tried the more impossible it seemed and at they met
he saw a mixture of fear, anxiety and defiance. She was a proud
woman, well as proud as Lucius would ever let her be. And she was
clearly begging him to spare her
"Do it Malfoy, Do it NOW!" voldemort shouted
Draco looked at voldemort and then back at his bedraggled parent.
"Draco please" she whispered
"Mother" he said and took a step closer
"Please don't Draco" she begged "I didn't deserve this, after everything we have been through"
"Malfoy" voldemort said impatiently
"I'm sorry mother" Draco said "I must serve my lord"
His ashen face turned to a hard stony gaze as he withdrew his wand and muttered a quick Avada Kedavra. And she was lifeless.
"Why didn't you torture her first?" voldemort demanded to know
"You told me to kill her" Draco replied "you didn't ask me to torture her, and as willing as I am to prove my loyalty to you, I would not torture my own mother unless I was specifically asked to do so" Draco answered firmly
"My mistake" Voldemort concurred.
"You may all leave"
Draco and Snape returned to the school a few moments later and Draco just stood there staring into space
"Come on" Snape said "it's not as though you were close"
"Maybe not" the younger one said "but I don't have the chance to change that now do I?"
"No but do you think you ever could have?" the professor asked
"No maybe not" Draco pondered "I am the worst person in the world, I killed that girl and my own mother purely to keep myself alive I am not worth one life let alone two"
"Draco you are very important to this fight and sometimes people will get hurt in the crossfire it can't be helped, I was trying to tell you there was nothing you could do about it but then realised you mistook my shaking my head for telling you not to do it. Sorry if I confused you" Snape said "come have a drink, I think you need one" he poured them both a glass of fire whiskey and they sat there in silence for a good half hour before Draco decided he had better go and see what Hermione was doing after all dinner would have only just finished. He hadn't understood why voldemort hadn't saved it for night time like he usually did but he didn't give it too much thought. He just hoped he could lie to Hermione. He hated lying to her it tore him up inside but he didn't have a lot of choice. So he told himself he was doing it to protect her.
He found her curled up on the sofa in their common room reading a book that she hastily put away when she saw him arrive.
"Hey" she said and looked at him "are you ok?"
"Yeah" he said "no rest for the wicked"
"Draco
that's not funny" Hermione said and stroked his cheek
"what
did he want you for?"
"I don't really want to talk about it" he told her
"Oh ok I understand" she said, she clearly didn't understand and it was blatantly obvious it hurt her but she tried to remain collected she didn't want him to see her upset. They were so intent on not hurting each other, inside they were crumbling without the other knowing about it. But someone knew. After all didn't Dumbledore know everything well of course he did. But he was biding his time as he told Fawkes "soon fawkes, soon it will all come to light"
Hermione and Draco ordered some food from the kitchen but neither of their appetites were really up to it. "I have to go and patrol now" Hermione told him and kissed his head as she stood up
"Who are you patrolling with?" he asked
"Seamus Finnegan" she said "he is standing in for Ron"
"Oh ok" he said "I'll see you later then, take care"
She
headed towards the exit
"and Hermione" he called out
"yes?"
she asked turning to look at him
"I love you" he said and
smiled at her
"I love you too" she said and blew him a kiss and with that she was gone
Draco lay on his bed for ages asking himself a thousand questions
'Was he worth all this?' 'Did Hermione mean that much to him?' 'What good would come from it all?'
Of course the more he asked the less he knew it was too much for a mere sixteen year old to take in. he wasn't an adult that felt like light years away.
He decided to write in his new diary that was in the bag Hermione had bought back to the castle for him.
Dear diary,
I don't know if I have to write that or not, I have never written a diary before. So I will put it just in case. I am Draco Malfoy, I am an orphan since today, I am 16 years old and I love Hermione granger with all my heart and soul. Hope she never reads this she might work out how soppy I am. Life has been difficult for me these past few weeks. I was forced to become a death eater because basically my life depended upon it. However since doing that I have taken the life of two people. I will not name them as I don't really fancy snogging with a dementor anytime soon. But the way I see it is my life isn't worth the lives of two people surely. I think something somewhere went wrong with this almighty plan and I have no way out. I am stuck and I am beginning to feel if I stay stuck for much longer I will lose myself. I can feel myself slipping already and I am scared.
I have never admitted to being frightened of anything before but now I have admitted it I feel a little better. I can never tell Hermione what that sadistic bastard has made me do. She would hate me and I don't want that. But at the same time I want to tell her so I don't have to bear this burden alone. Well I guess that's what you're for dear diary.
I only hope she gets strong enough to defeat him soon then I can be free as I should be.
Snape helps me quite a lot but I don't think he truly understands how I feel about it. After all he originally became a death eater through choice. Not like me.
I think Hermione is back I am going to go see if she can make me smile. Nobody does like she does
D.M
Draco went back through to the common room where Hermione was taking off her cloak.
"So were there any miscreants perusing the corridors?" he asked
"No not tonight it was almost all quiet" she told him
"Only almost?" he asked arching an eyebrow
"Well peeves decided to chase us a little way and sing some songs about Harry" she told him and whimpered a little
"That bloody ghost" Draco said and hugged her to him "it's ok"
"Yeah I know" she said "what have you been up to anyway?"
"Oh not much" he said "I had a shower and then sat and pondered life and the world"
"I see" she said "do you feel better now?"
"Better?" he asked
"You were quite clearly upset about something earlier on" she said "I don't want to push Draco but I don't want you to shut me out completely"
"I am not pushing you out" he said "I just need time to myself after those loathsome meetings, I can't help it. It's just the way it is. I hope you can understand"
"I understand Draco, of course I do" she said holding his hand and perching on the end of the couch.
"I
love you and I know you need your time. But I just feel like your
trying to hide something from me. I know its only because your trying
to protect me Draco but it just doesn't feel right" she kissed
his hand and looked up at him
"I know" he said "and I
suppose maybe in a way I am, but you do need protecting, you are very
important"
"Ok" Hermione sighed she didn't want to start an argument and she knew this would do. So she backed down quietly and hoped she had given him some food for thought.
