Author's Note: Part three. I hope you like it! This story is complete in three chapters; it's just broken up for length. This section picks up immediately where Part Two left off, again because of length issues -- hope that's not too confusing.

Disclaimer -- All characters, locations, and concepts copyright Square Enix. If you recognize it, I don't own it.


"I met Leblanc several months ago. We'd had a few run-ins with the Syndicate, and she came blazing into our headquarters one day, angry that a League soldier had taken a sphere from one of her goons. She and I had a chat, and we decided it would be better to work together. The League got first crack at everything she found. If we didn't want it, she'd be free to sell to the highest bidder. We'd also pass along spheres we found and didn't want; she sold them for us and took a commission. It was a good deal -- more spheres for us, more gil for her."

He glanced quickly over to me, then returned his face to the window. "I have to be straight with you: I can't be sure whether using the Leblanc Syndicate for spheres and information was my idea or Shuyin's. And I can't honestly say that Shuyin had no part in my decision to become involved with Leblanc personally. Baralai isn't the only one who needs to sort through the truth of his thoughts. I'm sure about one thing, though: Shuyin never cared about Leblanc. He was using her, just like he used me and the others. I'm still working out how I really feel about her, but I think there's something true there, or there could be. And I want to give it a shot." He looked at me again, and I saw the truth of it in his eyes.

I felt a sudden flare of anger and stood up. "So you have something real with Leblanc? Does that mean that you never felt anything real for me?" I realized that I was shouting and stopped, taking a step back and crossing my arms across my chest.

"Of course not," Nooj snapped back. "Don't be a fool. Of course it was real between us, I loved you, dammit! But I--" He broke off and turned away from me, back toward the window.

"It's not the same," he said, after a long pause. "Those days with the Crimson Squad were both the best and worst of my life. Baralai and Gippal and I made the best team I had ever seen. You know that, you were there. We laughed and we fought and it was incredible. And I loved seeing it all through your eyes, seeing me through your eyes. But there was a terrible shadow over it all, every moment, because I wanted to die." He swung his gaze back to my face, his eyes flashing. "Do you know what it's like to want to die, to be finished with life?"

Mute, I shook my head.

"The day that Sin appeared and attacked my Crusader squad, I knew I was going to die. I threw myself into battle with no heed for my own life, because I didn't plan to survive. My only thought was to take as many of those bastards with me as I could manage. I was resigned to death. By the end, when I lost consciousness, I was looking forward to it. Then I woke up in the healing tent, my body half gone, and it was a cruel disappointment. So many others desperate to live had died, but I was ready to die and lived. And for what? To carry on, half man, half machina, saved for some meaningless death someday? It seemed like a cosmic joke. And there was pain, so much pain. It's faded over the years, but I still live with it every day, aches in my missing limbs that will probably never go away. I hated that I was alive, and I decided to change that fact as soon as I had the chance. I was determined to die in battle, to make my life meaningful in death. It was a bleak feeling, black and terrible. But I clung to it. It gave me a purpose, a reason not to throw myself off some cliff somewhere. Nooj the Undying? Hah!" He laughed, a hard and bitter chuckle, then slammed the window frame with his metal fist. "I was as good as dead inside. Only the body went on, what was left of it anyway."

"Do you still feel that way?" I asked quietly.

"No." He paused again, as if gathering his thoughts together, and bowed his head. "I'm not certain why. Maybe Shuyin changed me; he had an interest in keeping me alive, after all. I could feel his own desire for death, but it was different, more distant. Maybe some things Yuna said to me on the Farplane resonated. Or maybe it was facing Shuyin's undying anger and bitterness. What if I left something like that behind? No, I'm no longer seeking death. But don't you see?" He turned back from the window to face me. "When I think about you, what I felt for you, what I still feel, it brings me back to those black and ugly days. The emotions are all tangled up together and I don't know how to separate them out. I don't even know if I can." His eyes met mine, and I saw truth again, truth and sorrow. "Leblanc... Leblanc is simpler somehow." He managed a wry grin. "That doesn't sound very complementary, does it? I don't mean it that way. But it's true. And you know, Paine, that 'simple' is not a word that will ever describe you. Not that I mean that as an insult either." He sighed. "This is coming out all wrong. I'm sorry. I wish things were different."

"Don't apologize," I whispered. Then I cleared my throat and raised my voice to its normal volume. "Nooj. You have to be true to your feelings, and you can't help what those are. I'm glad you told me all this. You were right, I needed to know. At least now the question isn't hanging over my head."

We stood, silently facing each other for a long moment. Then a sharp rap came at the door, and a soldier in a League uniform stepped through the doorway. "Meyven? Captain Lucil and Lord Isaaru are here to see you."

Nooj grimaced, then turned toward the aide. "Thank you, Tal. Please tell them I'll be along momentary."

"Yes, sir." The aide saluted with an arm across her chest and left.

"I have to go," said Nooj, turning back to me. "I'm sorry I don't have time to see you out. Will you be all right?"

I nodded slightly. Nooj headed toward the door, and I took his place at the window. The sea was blue under the nearly cloudless sky, gulls hanging in the air. I could see the dock where the Kilika Ferry waited, the scene of my arrival only a few hours earlier. It seemed like days. I felt rather than heard Nooj turn back, walk up behind me, and rest his hands on my shoulders. I closed my eyes. His machina hand was cool and heavy, the other surprisingly warm. I could turn around right now, I thought. I could turn around and kiss him, and he would be mine.

But I didn't.

We stood that way, together yet apart, for a minute, or perhaps an eternity. Then he reached up with his natural hand and gently brushed my face with the backs of his fingers, stroking my cheek, running them along the top of my ear, bringing them back down to my shoulder and squeezing gently. Then he moved away, and I heard the thumping of his cane and machina leg as he walked through the doorway and down the hall.

When the sound had faded away, I opened my eyes and realized that they had filled with tears. But they did not fall, and I did not move for a long time.


Sunset. I stood on one of the landings of the stairs to the Highroad, leaning against the rail, watching the sun fall over the ocean. The view was lovely; too bad it clashed with my ugly mood.

"Paine!" came the shout from below. I didn't even see Baralai running up the stairs until I was enfolded in his arms. He hugged me hard, then stepped back, smiling. "Nooj told me you were here. It's good to see you."

"Thanks," I replied, a smile growing on my face. "Believe it or not, it's nice to see you, too." And as I said it, it became true. All the suspicion and anger, the bad feelings our last argument had left between us, melted away, leaving pure pleasure at seeing an old friend again. I lightly punched his arm. "How are you doing?"

"Fine, fine," he said, a little too heartily. "Awfully busy, but then I always liked staying occupied."

I reached out and laid a hand on his arm. "Hey. You don't have to pretend. Nooj told me a little about what you went through with Shuyin. Sounds like it was rough."

His smile faded slightly. "Yeah, well. I'll survive."

"You should find yourself some nice girl, take your mind off things," I said, dropping my hand.

He arched an eyebrow. "Are you volunteering?" he asked. I rolled my eyes, and he laughed. Then his face became serious again. "So then, you talked to Nooj. Are you okay?"

I shrugged. "I suppose. I don't know what I was expecting -- I saw him with Leblanc, I know she's crazy about him, and things were always so rocky with us anyway. I came here for answers, and I got them. It's good to know the score, even if it says that I lost."

"Please don't talk like that," said Baralai. "If anyone is a loser, it's Nooj, for picking that shallow dimwit Leblanc over you."

I smiled a little. "Thanks for the loyalty. But I have to disagree -- Leblanc may be annoying, but she's not stupid. And she did help him out a lot with the spheres and the League. And it's not like he has all these warm and fuzzy memories of me. No, I understand why he made his decision. He's happy with Leblanc, and I don't think he'd be happy with me. And isn't that what love is about? Wanting someone to be happy?" I laughed ruefully and shook my head. "It still sucks a little, though."

"Well of course it does." Baralai took my hand and gently pulled me over to a nearby bench. We sat in companionable silence for a moment. Then he leaned forward, putting his hands on his knees and turning his head to me. "So, are you here to stay? Want to join Spira's first secular government in a thousand years?"

"You too?" I asked. "Nooj asked me the same thing. And I'll tell you what I told him: no. I'm not a talker, I'm a doer."

"Fair enough," Baralai replied. "But I'm sure we'll have a military soon. Maybe there'll be a role for you there."

I considered this idea. "That's a thought," I said. "Let me know when things get more settled."

"What will you do in the meantime?" he asked.

"Go back to the Gullwings, probably, although with Yuna and Shinra both probably taking off I'm not sure how efficient we can be. "

"If I know you and Rikku, you'll find a way. " He stood up, and reached out a hand to me. "Well, anyway. You hungry? Dinner will be ready soon, and Gippal should be back from Bikanel by now. It'd be great to have you."

I reached for his hand and pulled myself up. "Sounds lovely, sir," I replied with a mock curtsey. Baralai burst out laughing. He pulled my hand through the crook of his arm, and we walked down the stairs and into the evening, my future.