disasterpiece

welcome to the warped world of fairytales

cinderiku

once upon a time, there lived a prince, born in a faraway land…

"Oh, our son is the most handsome baby to ever grace the face of this planet!" boomed Ansem happily, nudging his disgruntled wife at the same time, "isn't he, my dear Maleficent?"

"Why, er- yes, of course," she muttered grudgingly.

"His name shall be Riku! With on 'k'! and the citizens will adore him!" Ansem continued, fist of passion in a blazingly triumphant stand that many would reminisce to be like some sort of victory pose.

"Of course, dear," Maleficent replied dully. The fish on the table was a little dry. Stifling a small burp, she smiled nervously as a spout of flame was spat out, and quickly extinguished by palace guards who were, incidentally, always armed with fire extinguishers.

"Well then Godo, I hope your daughter is up for my son! She won't be too much to handle, I'd wager," the king chuckled heartily as a three-year-old Yuffie bit his foot in retaliation. "Eh…"

"Down Yuffie," her father said sternly, and she frowned at him after removing her lockjaw from the other king's foot. Grossness. Undeterred, Ansem continued his speech filled with grandeur as his wife sat to the side, nodding rather irritably.

"Did you know that fairy godpeople are coming today? Heard they bestow quite fine gifts, yes indeed," the silver-haired king chortled cheerfully. As if on cue, a loud fanfare sounded, and the king chucked yet again. "And there they are!"

A mad with short brown hair stepped up to a platform and smoothed out his tights. "Presenting, the honorable guests of our kingdom, the fairy godpeo-" and was ruthlessly shoved aside by an extremely angry brown haired man.

"Get out of my way, you useless pouf," snapped the man, not looking apologetic in the least to the fallen man on the floor. The woman beside him shook her head, light brown hair tied up in a braid. The third in their party was an upbeat looking teenager, and other than the fact that one was practically looking for a reason to throttle another fancy-pants, the trio seemed relatively normal.

Oh, wait. They had wings, and were probably only five inches in height. That could be deemed a little odd.

Ansem, after recovering from the initial shock of possibly the most dangerous looking fairy ever, finally found his voice. "Good people! I thank you for coming here to bestow gifts upon my son!"

"Can we get on with the gift-giving please?" scowled the angry leather-decked fairy, and the woman smiled reassuringly at the king.

"He's just stressed about not being able to sleep his regular fifteen hours," the pretty fairy whispered conspiratorially. Little Yuffie tackled the angry fairy.

"You're smaaaalll," she drawled childishly at him, holding him by the translucent wings on his back. "Are these real?"

"Yes, now let go of me you little devil-spawned…"

The pretty fairy sighed as the angry one fought against a much larger foe. "Sora, you can go ahead and start. Leon will just have to go last."

"See what you've done, you little brat? Only the people they think give crappy gifts go in the end! HEY! LET GO OF MY HAIR!" Baby Yuffie merely giggled, grabbing another fistful of hair and tugging happily. Aerith sighed, and Sora took his cue.

He leaned over the baby, scrunching up his nose and grinning widely at the baby Riku who merely glared back up at him. "How cute. He's angry. I will give you that gift of strength. You will always beat every male you wind up meeting in anything! You shall prevail!" A swirl of magic descended down upon the child, who sneezed in response.

Aerith stepped up next. "I," she began with every inch of fairygodmother-ness, "will give you the gift of intellect. Your brilliance will outshine even the greatest stars."

The crowd oohed and aahed appropriately.

Leon, who had finally wrenched himself out of the hands of Yuffie, straightened and cleared his throat. "My gift will be the gift of – " He was rudely interrupted as the large doors slammed open behind him, and everybody in the room turned to squint through the fog to try and discern who was behind this undoubtedly rude interruption.

"AHAHAHAH! You thought you could get away without inviting me! Insolent fools!" Out of the mist, a slight form could be detected, floating into the room on what seemed to be a gigantic fruit. Or maybe it was a star. Everybody squinted a little harder.

"It's Kairi!" Aerith whispered in hushed tones, while Sora and Leon merely rolled his eyes. The girl was about as intimidating as a piece of cheese.

Sora took the opportunity to ask a question. "What the hell is she riding on?"

"You fool, Sora! Do you not know! It is a paopu fruit! The sole instrument that will bring upon the destruction of this kingdom! The ultimate weapon!"

Casting a glance towards Aerith, Sora whispered, "Isn't that the love fruit thing? Aerith, are you sure you hid the drugs? You didn't let her overdose on the wands, did you?"

"No, of course not!"

Kairi, growing more than a little irritated at the crowd, who'd began their own conversations while blatantly ignoring her, let a smirk creep upon her face. No, she wasn't evil. She was merely irritated because Leon, Sora, and Aerith left her back home since she took too long to get ready. Revenge made even the prettiest people go ugly, apparently.

"Out of the goodness of my heart," she began with a sickly sweet smile, "I've decided to also bestow my own gift on the Prince Riku." At this, Ansem grinned widely and whispered none-too-softly to his wife.

"Look Maleficent! Four blessings! Our son's going to be incredible for sure!"

Kairi smiled again, which rapidly went from sweet to sinister under five seconds. "Darling prince. I will give you not a gift, but a curse!" a gasp ran quickly through the crowd, which turned apprehensive after she racked through her brain to find a properly evil curse. Damn the kind mind-process of a fairy. What she wouldn't give to be Leon right now…

Ah hah! The perfect curse! The sinister smile found it's way across her face once again. "I shall give you the curse of girlyness! From now on, all the girls you find beautiful will think you're a woman! HAHAHAHAHA!" Just like that, she kicked her paopu fruit and it zipped away quickly while she tried to hold on for dear life.

The crowd sat in stunned silence.

"Kind of ran out of juice near the end, didn't she?" Sora asked faintly. Aerith nodded rather slowly. At a nearby table, however, Ansem was taking this harder than they thought.

"HOW COULD THIS BE? HOW WILL WE HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? WHO WILL BE HIS HEIR?" he wailed while Maleficent patted him on the back awkwardly.

"There there, darling…"

"Oh, King, don't worry," the ever-chipper Sora interjected. "Leon still has his gift to make! Hey, where…is Leon exactly?" The King pointed solemnly at Yuffie, who giggled while dressing up the disgruntled fairy in a dress.

"Fairy! Fairy!" she chanted, eyes twinkling merrily. "Fairies are gay!" she chirped cheerfully, reciting her father's favorite remark. Leon scowled and bit her finger in protest before flying off towards Riku, muttering expletives and casting furtive glances back at the pouting toddler.

He stared at the baby lying in his crib and shook his head. "I feel for you. Just think: you'll have to marry her someday." Riku merely gurgled in response.

"Fear not, child," he began in the pseudo-hypnotic voice that fairies often used, "You won't be eternally mistaken for a female. When the right one comes along and bests you in a fight, the curse will be lifted, and you will be free to marry!" Aerith and Sora stared for a moment. Trust Leon to think up a semi-violent gift.

Godo glanced his still-pouting daughter. This was going to take some work.

Next up: The fairies fight over Riku, Yuffie meets Riku as a teenager, and Kairi's still plotting somewhere in the background.