Disclaimer: Characters unfortunately © to all the wonderful makers of Fullmetal Alchemist. I only chose to play with the boys.
Author's Notes: No need to wail anymore, here's another chapter. XD Okay, maybe you can sniffle some more…:shifty look:
Edit on Feb 23, 05: Few typos fixed. XD;; Sorry 'bout that. I hardly ever catch my own errors. Also, because I've received a couple of comments concerning it… this chapter will make little to absolutely no sense if you haven't watched the end of the series! I've moved it beyond the anime plot, but it still refers to things that happened in the previous chapter that are better explained in the series. I'll try to make chapter 12 have some answers to people's questions without giving too much away. And keep in mind that some of the confusion in this chapter is put in on purpose. It'll be explained later, I promise.
Namida
- chapter 11 -
Repentance
It had been blind rage that had led him there. Absolute madness that allowed him to whirl himself through the nightmare-inducing madness in order to reach such a place. The thought of what it would be like, what would happen, what he would do next did not even cross his mind until he found himself engulfed within that endless whirling. The symbolic ouroboros had only aided him in moving faster through the seemingly endless depths, aided in keeping those slimy hands from touching his pale flesh as he moved toward the great unknown.
What Envy had not expected, however, was the clash of thunder above him, the cold rain that would not cease to fall, the hard cold cobblestone upon which he'd been quite literally thrown onto. Every muscle and bone of his body ached miserably; twitched involuntarily even as he attempted to straighten himself up and stand. He found the cuts and scrapes upon his hands not healing – those hands, once slender, pale, adorned with the black cut-off gloves he wore had become something almost…foreign, although he knew they weren't. A faint tan color had returned to them; more masculine features had replaced the androgynous slenderness, and immediately he knew the change had spread throughout his entire form. All he had to do was look at the dripping blonde hair that hung limply over his shoulders.
He cursed the day as he cursed the darkened sky. But more fiercely he cursed the Fullmetal-chibi who had informed him that their father awaited him on this side…wherever this was. Scowling deeply, he attempted to get his unwilling body to move once again, staggering as he leaned upon the drenched nearby wall for support. Envy flinched as his battered hand touched the rough bricks, but stifled any complaints with deadly determination. Glimpsing down at himself, he noticed that the gate had, at least, rewarded him with clothes, outdated as they probably were…
"Are you alright, son?"
Envy whirled, accustomed to the agility of his previous body. It was still there, just…not as defined. Golden eyes narrowed at the voice that emerged, he then saw, from a side door that had been cracked ajar. An aged face peeked out at him, concern welling in those friendly features of the middle-aged woman.
"Fine," he spat harshly and much to his surprise the woman did not react to the foul temperament. Perhaps his voice just didn't carry the same fierceness as it once did. Or…perhaps it had something to do with how raw his throat actually felt, now that he had forced the word from his mouth. A shaky hand was brought up to touch his throat as he swallowed dryly and immediately flinched.
Golden eyes widened sharply as the memory of the gate returned. He only remembered entering that madness, but now upon recalling the event, the rapid tumbling, the hands that grasped and tugged at him, the images that poured into his mind. He had felt his body being ripped apart pieces by pieces, but not completely, never completely to the point that it couldn't restore itself. He heard his own screams in his head and found the reason for the miserably weakened voice that had escaped him.
When he returned to himself, the rain had stopped. Or rather… a ceiling had slid over him. He blinked once, twice and sat up with a jolt, immediately regretting it as the pain shot up his back.
"You should take it easy," that same voice he remembered from before called out to him. He saw her now, glimpsing at him from a side compartment he presumed to be a kitchen due to the banging of dishes that came from within. The thought of food set his stomach rolling loudly. With a slight blush, he wrapped his arms around his stomach, realizing that it was now free of the soaking white shirt he had been previously wearing.
Exhaling quietly, he allowed himself to lean back and lie back down, removing the pressure from his sore body as he did so. Golden eyes shifted up toward the ceiling once more and it was then that it hit him. Envy blinked, then glanced toward the general direction of the kitchen once more from which emerged a muffled, static-filled news relay. He blinked once more as the words floated out toward him, unrecognizable at first. And yet it sounded the same as the words the woman had addressed him with earlier. He was quite certain that it was no language ever used in Amestris, which also left him questioning the possibilities of having understood her previously.
His head hurt – throbbed painfully with a dull thud at every heartbeat that rung loudly in his ears from deep within his chest.
Just…where was he?
Envy lay there, glaring at that ceiling above him, noting the imperfections, the cracks and stains. It was then he also noted that the entire foundation appeared fragile as thin seams ran down the length of the walls.
What…had happened here?
"You look as if you could need something to eat." Those words again, jumbled sounds causing the confusion in his mind to deepen even further and yet…after a moment, he understood some of those words. He could catch their meaning without knowing quite how. His attention was more deeply focused on the steaming bowl of soup that she had set for him on an antique coffee table.
Frowning ever slightly, he sat up, supporting himself against the back of the couch that had become an improvised bed. His stomach rumbled once more and the frown deepened. Glimpsing up at the elderly hostess, he saw her regarding him with a smile – a genuine smile…something…something he had not seen in years. Not like that. He was not supposed to be looked upon with those eyes, with that expression friendliness. However, his stomach was louder than his conscious. "Thanks…" Envy muttered as he reached out for the dark silver spoon and bowl.
Who would have thought that the simple word was enough to change that reaction, the look in those eyes? They no longer held the near-blind friendliness they previously held, but instead an instant apprehension brought by the words of gratitude. Envy did not notice them until he had taken a few spoonfuls into his mouth. He paused mid-motion, glancing up at her in question.
Was it something I said? He wondered dully, confused by the sudden change.
She was quiet for a moment, regarding him closely with obvious scrutiny. "What's your name, boy?"
"Boy!" She's kidding, right? A golden brow was arced at the word choice, but the question itself stirred that deep hatred back to the surface ever so easily. A name he had never again meant to use or even think of. It was not who he was anymore…and yet, considering his given situation and the cursed body he was stuck within at the present moment… "Wilhem ," he muttered, shoving another spoonful of soup in his mouth. "…Elric." He concluded once the heavy broth slid down his throat, warming him better than the blankets that had been thrown over him ever could.
Again she seemed to have been affected by the words and instead of apprehension that sun-wrinkled face now glowered at him. "Don't you dare address me in English, boy!" She reprimanded with the wrath of a grandmother. Envy blinked, her reprimand doing absolutely nothing other than deepening the hole of his confusion. "I'll give you some of my son's clothes once you're done," she nodded at the half-devoured meal. "He looked just like you…so they should fit you just fine…" her tone softened, voice dropped to a hush and she whirled around, bringing fingers to her lips as tears sprung to her eyes. Quick steps led her hurrying from the room.
Envy had never felt so…vulnerable. He was at the mercy of the hospitality of this woman until he could properly move. He remained silent as he ate, exploring the small house with scrutinizing eyes. A shiver ran up his spine, causing him to shudder involuntarily. He'd just barely caught the spoon that had nearly dangled from his hand. Looking down at the scrapped flesh, he felt the disgust brought by the knowledge that he had once again returned to the shell of humanity he so ardently despised.
He no longer felt the source of his power within him. He no longer felt the stone that had given him life. He no longer anything like he once was… It was a frightful sensation, to be…human (how he despised that word!) once again.
-
Armed with nothing other than clean clothes and faltering knowledge of where he was, and only the name of a place he knew he needed to be, Envy ventured into the streets on a mission. The further he walked, the more struck he became by the air of depression, of misery that the city itself seemed to portray. Certain areas where in positive ruins, reduced to ashes and still smoking brick foundations where majestic buildings once stood. He frowned in his ignorance and turned dark golden eyes away from the scenes of horror, ignoring their desperate begging for attention just meters away from his shuddering body.
There was little one could do with just a name, especially when after days of wandering around the devastated city without any guidance beyond the far-away thoughts that sometimes filled his mind with memories he knew were not his own. He had also, at last, made a distinction between the two languages and knew better than to use that which he was accustomed to in this place. The reason behind it was still a mystery.
The nights were cold and the days not that much warmer. The slightly worn clothes his temporary hostess had given him the previous week were just enough to keep him from freezing in the chill that blew from the northeast. Shivering as the said wind blew directly in his face, Envy ducked into a small café. The dusty glass door shut behind him with the faint ring of a bell. Glimpsing around, he saw the small number of occupants staring up at him – a stranger having just appeared the week before. He had never felt so small before such tired gazes. Looking away from those peering eyes, he glided toward the counter, winter boots thudding lightly against the floor.
"Coffee," he stated simply, leaning against the counter as he fumbled with the coins and faint amount of small bills he had managed to scrape up over the last few days. Those pale fingers were chapped and cut from the cold – no longer holding the beauty and elegance they had back in Amestris. But it mattered not, he reaffirmed strongly in his mind. He was here for a reason.
When the too-scalding drink was set in front of him, he offered the scrutinizing shop-keep his palm with his possession of coins. The correct amount was taken from him, the meager rest slipped back into his pocket. The cup was snatched and held between cold hands as he waved his way between the tables to a two-seater by the window. Along the way, a folded newspaper caught the corner of his eye. Blinking at it, he slid the newspaper from the table where it sat untouched and brought it with him to the window seat.
Upon first glance, Envy frowned. I can't possibly read this. He muttered silently to himself, and yet as those golden eyes drifted over the front page, the strange-looking words began to make sense. The sentences began to form and create coherent thoughts that conveyed the message that answered all the questions in his mind. He frantically read the header, catching the date.
Munich, February 3, 1919.
The thin pages of the newspaper shook involuntarily in his hands as he peered at the date. At the name of the city. It told him little, but it at least told him that this was definitely not where he wanted to me. Not where he would find Hohenheim.
Had the Fullmetal chibi lied to him even then? Envy scowled and shoved the pages flat on the small table, glowering at the black and white pictures of destruction. He took the time to regain his calm, taking a sip of the cheap coffee only to burn his tongue upon the scalding drink. Flinching, he set the cup down. The instinct to curse and scream and kill something twice over was back, strong as ever – just like he remembered it. And yet…there was little he could do about it now. He'd save that rage, that anger for his true purpose.
If only he knew how to find him…
It was late afternoon by the time he came to himself; the sun had disappeared behind the smoky horizon, leaving him with no more natural light to illuminate those pages that both fascinated him and perplexed him to no end.
There had been a war, he gathered, a great war. Ironically he could not help but think of Ishbal – it being the only war he could relate to in terms of horror. Then again, Ishbal had been nothing more than a massacre, he mused with a small smile. A massacre formulated by them in order to create the Stone that would give them all they wanted. Plans hadn't gone accordingly. But then again, they never did. And for some reason, he couldn't help but consider it Dante's faulty decisions. The thought of her was enough to repulse him. "Mother dearest, where are you now?" Envy muttered quietly under his breath. He did not hate her per se, merely…did not like her. Following some orders was different from bowing at her feet like all the others had done. It disgusted him every time they spoke of her in fear. "Tch!" He shook his head and rested his chin upon his palm, glimpsing out the window at the colorless sky.
And they wondered why he despised him so much. Edward Elric…the little (literally) bastard had all he had ever wanted but was denied. But…he couldn't fool himself any longer. It went behind that. It was never Ed he hated but his father – their father that had abandoned them both. Envy just did not understand how Ed did not see it in the same light. They were the same deep down. They were the same and yet the alchemist denied it with ardent fury. And because of that he had killed him.
"…" A frown tugged those once smirking lips downward pensively. Yes, he had killed him, stabbed him through with his own transfigured hand; felt the snapping of rips, the puncturing of precious organs, the ripping of flesh and muscle. He had indeed killed him mercilessly and had felt nothing other than blind rage. All of it brought by Ed's demands to see him, to see this goddamned face that told too many secrets, too many memories of the past he wished to forget.
He had killed him when all he had wanted was to kill Hohneheim. He had killed him when he had wanted nothing more than to kiss those scowling lips, hold that small toned body, laugh at the absurdities that sometimes escaped the alchemist's mouth when they were alone and the world did not disturb them.
He had also gotten attached when it was the last thing he had wanted.
The now-cold coffee did nothing to wash away the lump in his throat. He blamed the dampness that glazed his eyes on the foul tasting cold coffee and the tobacco smoke that had blown his way when the outside door was opened to allow someone within the refuge that was the café. He blamed those sensations on the things that surrounded him now and not the thoughts that assaulted him – of those last few words exchanged between them; of the long hours spent dozing peacefully, using the feisty alchemist as a half-reluctant pillow. He blamed the cold crystallized droplet that slid down his cheek to splatter upon the printed pages before him on the cold breeze that had rushed inside through the open door. He blamed them all on those things because he could, by no means, blame them upon himself.
This one took a bit longer, sorry to keep you all squirming and waiting! Wait…no I'm not. D; Okay, maybe a little. Ahem, but yus, Envy chapter- It was almost enough to make myself sniffle while writing the last third (this was written in three sittings) at the campus' computer lab.
Note on the name Wilhelm: it was historical Hohenheim's father's name. I looked up some background info and found out that historical Hoho-papa looked up to his father and all that, so I saw it fitting to name Envy after his would-be granddaddy. XD;
And another thing, please remember that some of the confusion generated by this chapter is intentional. It'll be explained later, I promise!
