Disclaimer: Characters unfortunately © to all the wonderful makers of Fullmetal Alchemist. I only chose to play with the boys.

Notes: I have nothing to blame other than pure procrastination for the lack of updates over the last couple of weeks. XD As for warnings…there's the usual amount of angst – Envy angst! And, something unusual for this story: some comical relief and…cuteness. o.o;


Namida
- chapter 12 -
Dissonance

Nothing would ever compare to the things he'd seen, things he'd been put through in the span of the long bitter year he'd spent trapped in this unknown world so different from his own. As the months weaned on, he had gathered the answers to the terrifying questions that had assaulted him during the first week upon his arrival in Munich. But it still told him little as to why he had made it here, escaping destruction within the gate that had given him birth. It had taken severe amounts of effort to try and…fit in among the mass horde of humans that surrounded him; that knew nothing of his existence; of the stone that he so sought; of the truth behind alchemy, that here was but a foolish fairy tale told to young children to further their naiveté. Fools, all of them, but unfortunately he had no other choice than to assimilate – as much as he could without completely losing his mind to the frustrating lack of answers and paradoxes of the world.

Falling much into the habit of the chibi himself, Envy had taken refuge in one of the public libraries that had survived the massive bombing over the last few years. Old dusty texts told him little of what he had wanted to know, but the little bits of information had allowed him to deduce his own theoretic answers: in order to exist in this world, there must have been a body in this world. As a homunculus he had no soul in Amestris, but somehow, somewhere along the path the gate whirled him through, the soul that had once – over four hundred years ago – resided in this now demolished country had found its way to this shell he had left behind. It would explain his meager understanding of the strange-sounding language he discovered to be German. He had also discovered that English was what was spoken back in Amestris. And in fact, there were several similarities between the two worlds… The biggest difference he could pinpoint to were those of alchemy versus the flying machines he sometimes saw gliding through the dusty-gray skies.

Technology and science and the fables of alchemy, however, did not lead him any closer to his ultimate goal. That goal that through the year had been growing weaker. He had been so focused on finding out what was going on around him that vengeful thoughts of Hohenheim had temporarily slipped his mind. They returned, however, deep in the middle of the night – assaulting his dreams with nightmares he could never get rid of. Every time it was the same – the suffocating pain in his lungs and throat as the poison coursed through him, the icy cold hands of death tugging him from within the overwhelming heat of his fever and his bed. He felt the sweat drip from his temple as he whimpered, golden eyes tightly shut as he wished it away to no avail. And then darkness….followed by those cold, slippery hands within the gate, coaxing him, taunting him, whispering secrets into his ear until he was yanked forth, fed that miserable stone that brought all those memories back with unforgiving force. It was then that he woke up, gasping for air that refused to filter down through his chest; hair in haphazard waves over his shoulders from tossing in his sleep. And every time he would see those warm golden eyes, hidden behind the transparent surface of lenses… Many a time he had shoved the bed covers away and padded out along the cold floor to stare at the window and watch the sunrise above the gray buildings. And even then it wasn't hate he felt but a strange sort of longing, twisting deeply within his gut, leaving him in a mass of further confusion.

Envy exhaled bitterly, slamming one of the old covers shut. The soft thud resonated off the marble walls, disturbing no one but the long bookcases and dust particles that flew from the nearby volumes. If the library weren't already deserted during the day, he'd blame the suffocating silence on the late evening hours. He glimpsed up through the wide windows at the darkening sky that was spreading over the horizon and frowned, realizing that he had spent the greater part of the afternoon secluded in that somber place. His stomach rumbled and his stomach deepened. He was gradually running out of funds and the inflation was not getting any better. It was a merry day when he managed to get more than a thin sandwich to nibble on at lunchtime.

He hadn't had many merry days in the last few months. Not even the bright, long sunny days seemed to cheer this melancholic city. It was more of a communal feeling of sorrow that had descended upon the country than necessarily the outrageous prices people were forced to pay in order to get a reasonable meal. His thoughts of traveling to England had been long put on hold because of this very same reason. Left with nothing other than his nightmares and the limited amount of printed information, his days were long and positively restless.

Feeling the need to escape the closed in surroundings, he picked up the two volumes he'd found worthy of his time and pulling the light black coat off the back of his chair, strode downstairs to the circulation desk.

"Will this be all today, Mr. Elric?" the receptionist inquired, cheerful as ever. He couldn't help wonder if she was really that good of an actress. Nodding dully, he handed her the worn card only to have it waved away. She knew him – how could she not, when he had frequented the empty halls practically everyday for the past five months? He willed a faint smile out of sheer politeness and watched her add the titles to her records. In the beginning she used to ask him about his seeming fascination with alchemy. His evasive answers left her even more curious but after a few weeks, she gave up trying to pry his interest from him. Thankfully.

The night was comfortably cool – a northern breeze blew through the streets to cool off the afternoon's blasting July heat. It was then that he heard it, above the soft thudding of his footsteps upon the cobblestone floors. A cheerful and perky…mew.

Envy blinked, paused and looked around. His golden brows furrowed. "Not you again!"

The object of reprimand came bouncing toward him, leaping off a parked car onto the street, which it crossed hastily in order to reach him. The perky black kitten rubbed against his legs, its white tipped tail whisking to and from in the air in its contentment to find its adopted owner. Envy watched it…the glare melting into a look of pure amusement. It was like this every night ever since the kitten had found him the previous week. It'd track him down and follow him all the way home where it would then demand whatever milk he could spare with loud mewling. Envy had no choice but to give in. And once he had done it the first time, he was doomed thereafter.

Sighing lightly, he continued toward his small rented apartment. "Come on, Bean." He called it and at once, the furry creature followed him, leaping every once in a while in order to keep the pace.

The name had been given just out of sheer amusement. The cat hadn't reminded him of Fullmetal and yet…it had been the first thing he had thought of when the little thing had made it a habit of following him home. It had been, too perhaps, a way to have something of Ed still around… a constant presence that'd follow him home every night, much in the habit of their meetings seemingly years ago. Besides, he missed having something cute and tiny to tease.

Envy snickered quietly at the thought and ascended the steps to the third floor apartment, checking behind him to see Bean dashing up the stairs behind him. The key rattled in the lock for a moment until he was able to finally shove it open. The furry thing sprinted inside darting for the kitchen where he knew his meal was kept.

"Don't waste anytime, do you?" He noted with some amusement. "You even have his appetite…"

It did him absolutely no good to linger his thoughts on such things, but when the pale-eyed kitten pawed at the small off-white fridge for the milk he suspected to be hidden within it, Envy couldn't help the soft chuckle that escaped his lips. Maybe the furry thing did differ from the Fullmetal-chibi. The alchemist would have never been caught dead pawing at anything for a drop of milk.

Snickering quietly to himself, he shut the heavy door behind him, turning the top lock once before padding inside the all-too-warm apartment. The books were dropped on a low coffee table that had been overrun with notes and dusty volumes long ago. Two more wouldn't hurt, he mused, though glimpsed at it dubiously as the rickety thing groaned under the added weight. Paying it no further mind, he tossed the light coat over the burgundy colored two-seater sofa on his way to the small corner he considered a kitchen. Bean had jumped upon the counter by then, pawing at him with every chance he had. The bowl was rinsed, refilled with the cool milk the animal so craved and set on the floor. Envy did not have to encourage the little thing as it leapt down, coming to a skidding halt right before it tumbled over its meal and began lapping at it furiously.

It wasn't until he caught himself leaning against the counter, watching that furry bundle that he tore his eyes away from the sight, and in the process slammed a wall down on his diverting thoughts in order to attend to his own rumbling stomach.

-

This had been the last place he had ever thought of ending up. And as he sat there, staring at the mercilessly bright sun, Ed cursed the events that had brought him here. Fuming silently, he turned away from the cheerful ball of fire, long golden ponytail swinging behind him, reflecting every ray of that gorgeous sunshine that did nothing to cheer his spirits.

"How long are you going to sit there brooding?" the deep familiar voice brought him out of his reverie with a start. He glared weakly at the older image of himself, but upon catching the lightheartedness plastered so visibly on those features, he exhaled in defeat.

It had been a year since Ed had given up everything without a second's hesitation, without selfish consideration of even his own life in order to bring his little brother back from the reaches of the Gate. He had thought of sacrificing everything and yet… he had been whirled back into London, colliding harshly with the reality that he might have not succeeded and now was stuck in a world not his own, no longer able to return at the price of the life he inhabited. The truth hit him hard every time he looked in the cloudy mirror they had in the bathroom and he saw his own reflection staring back at him. There was no known way out of here, but stubborn as he was, the idea would not leave his mind. He was thankful, at least, for having been thrown back into London where his father had found him once again. At least he had someone he knew on this strange side of the gate where flying machines soared the sky and haunted his dreams every once in a while.

He muttered something in response, which only got him a hearty laugh. Hohenheim was like that, he had discovered. Even after so long, he was still the same he remembered him as a child. Never once had he appeared bothered by the fact that Ed had hated him for so long. Never once had he blamed him for that hate, but always himself. And eventually…he had learned to forgive him and see that the hateful picture he had in his mind for so long was a false assumption of someone that had truly cared for his family and left for those very same reasons. More than once he had been tempted to question his father about Envy's existence. And every time he faltered just as he was about to mention the topic. The last thing he wanted was to cause more arguments than they already had on a regular basis, merely due to their differences and years apart. He did not need to excavate into a history that dwelt on centuries past. Just that thought alone was enough to cause all those questions to shut themselves up. The least he thought of his father as someone that had made use of the Philosopher's Stone to prolong his own life just as Dante had done, the least worries he had. It was safer to keep it that way. And thus…he never asked.

Yet…it was hard to forget the fact he had an older half-brother he knew nothing of. He knew the being that had been created through alchemy – he knew the homunculus named Envy, but he knew nothing of the mortal man that had lived four centuries ago.

"Are you even listening to me, Edward?"

"Uh?" Again, caught deep in thought. That happened far too frequently lately.

Hohenheim cast him a curious look but knew better than to question the dark thought that ran through his son's mind. "I'm going ahead to confirm our reservations. Hurry up and meet me at the port when you're ready."

Ed nodded quietly, nudging his suitcase to the side as he pried the last bit of clothing from the mattress he had been utilizing as a bed for the past year. He heard the front door close lightly, leaving him alone to his thoughts. Golden eyes glimpsed up toward the window and that goddamn sunny sky and he sighed. Warm fingers slammed the suitcase shut and fastened the buckles. With the limited movement he had been left with his destroyed automail, he grabbed the handle right-handed. After double-checking that nothing was being left behind, Ed silently slipped from the apartment, letting the door slide shut behind him. They would not be returning there anytime soon, if ever. The decision to sail to the continent had been made some months ago. He had had no objections – quite on the contrary, it would allow him to further his research. He would find a way home if it were the last thing he did. The ship would sail in a couple of hours, landing them in northern France, from which they would head east toward Germany. He had found the decision strange, but offered no resistance. After all, anywhere in Europe at that time was as desolate as the next place.

There was no sadness as he climbed up the steps to the ship, even as he saw the tears on the eyes of many: couples separating from one another, families seeing sons and daughters off, long-time friends hugging for the last time in many years. Ed was no part of the sorrowful festivities as he climbed away from the crowd and tears. He caught sight of his father on the deck, speaking quietly with one of the crew and paid it no mind. For reasons he was not quite fully aware of, his father had managed to attain quite a number of important connections in the country. He had grown used to it and thus, walked by, nodding only to announce his presence before climbing below the deck to the cabin they had reserved for the long trip. The sooner they set sail, the better. There had been something about walking through that thick crowd of goodbyes that had left a dark cloud above his head; a foreboding feeling he could not explain.

Maybe, just maybe, it had been nice to have had someone there to say goodbye to. Maybe he had gotten used to the one or two people that had always come to see him and Al off when they retreated on their train travels. Maybe it was something else, an unexplained loneliness he had been ignoring all along.


Here we go, a little bit of everything this time around. XD Envy angst, mild crackness as a result of kitties and mild Ed angst. Should appease to everyone. :snicker: