Disclaimer: Characters unfortunately © to all the wonderful makers of Fullmetal Alchemist. I only chose to play with the boys.

Notes & Warnings: I've received a couple of comments regarding spoilers, so I'll say this again – if you haven't watched through the end of the series, some of this will make no sense. That in mind, of course there will be spoilers! They are not many, but they are big. If you've gotten this far in story, however you probably won't be seeing any new ones.


Namida
- chapter 13 -
Behind Closed Doors

It was raining again. Not even in the summer was there any rest. The drizzling rain threatened to soak everything it touched, while it merely sprinkled annoying droplets over all exposed surfaces. Envy didn't think he could ever truly get used to it. But there was no use complaining about the miserable rain when Bean demanded all he attention he could snatch out of him that morning. Like every other morning. Sometimes ignoring the furry bundle of cuteness was effective, but not this particular morning. It was one of those days that he wanted nothing more than hide beneath the covers until the sun came out to run away with the heavy lethargic weight that kept him there. But the damn cat had other plans. When the mewling didn't work, the kitten had hopped onto the bed and proceeded to waltz up and down along his sprawled body in attempt to make him move. There couldn't have been greater success.

"Alright, alright!" he muttered, throwing the covers off and effectively onto the kitten. He blinked at the spazzing bump under the covers as it struggled to see its way out and snickered with mock maliciousness.

It was past 10am when he faced the antagonizing rain cloud outside. Hiding beneath the protection of a deep grey umbrella, he moved along the cobblestone sidewalks toward the café he had made a habit of taking his second coffee and reading whatever news he could find at.

The thin morning cloud sat scattered at the tables and counter. The owner, already having acquainted him long ago, greeted him with the usual cheerful smile before setting a mug of steaming coffee on the counter for him. "You're later than usual today."

"It's one of those days," he muttered quietly, taking a sip of the steaming, caffeinated drink.

The reply drew a chuckle from the owner as he handed him the morning paper. "Nothing interesting today. Just some story about a famed Professor Hohenheim having returned from England," he commented offhandedly.

Golden eyes widened, the coffee burned as he choked on it, hastily swallowing it down. "Hohenheim!" he demanded, disbelief echoing through his voice.

The older man blinked at him, a bit confused by the sudden outburst. "That's what it says…" he flipped through the inky pages. "There," he pointed at the small article. It even had a picture.

He pulled the pages toward him, eyes devouring the printed words. They were meaningless to him… all the information was there. He was back. He was here. Envy glimpsed at the picture, staring down at the black and white representation of the man he had chased for so long. Unchanged as always. He gripped the mug tightly, feeling his hand shake slightly under the pressure. It was then that his eyes caught it…in the background, mostly cut off from the image…the whisk of a long ponytail photographed from behind, and what appeared to be…automail?

Envy laughed at his own stupidity and shook his head, slamming the pages shut on the article. There was no such thing as automail in this world. Seeing things that aren't there…you've got it good, Envy. He told himself with a bitter chuckle.

He felt the intense, curious look of the café owner upon him, perplexed, wanting to ask but unsure as to whether it was safe to do so. The question died on his lips as Envy peered up at him – the gaze demanding silence. The last thing he wanted was to have to explain himself. Not with this…definitely not with this. Thus, saying nothing more on the subject, he dropped the appropriate amount of Marcs on the counter before slinking away, secluding into the deep reaches of his thoughts.

-

"Was all that truly necessary?" Ed muttered for the third time in less than twenty-four hours since they had set dock. All the attention was making him edgy. It had been a while since he'd been the center of attention – well, he wasn't even the center of attention in this case, but it made him edgy nevertheless: too many people looking, questioning.

"I'm afraid there isn't much of a choice…"

"Sure there is. Next time I see those goddamn reporters coming, I'm going to keep walking and let you handle all the spotlight."

Hohenheim merely chuckled lightly at him and shook his head. "Get settled in and feel free to explore. I'll be back this evening."

Edward merely nodded, pulling his meager belongings out of his trunk until he heard the front door close, leaving him in silence.

This city was not so different from the rainy London he had gotten used to over the last year. The feeling was different, however. There was an underlying bitterness in the air; an overwhelming sense of melancholy that only war could bring. Edward could see it in their eyes – just as he had once seen it in the red eyes of Ishbalans he had encountered so many times before. It was the look he had seen in Scar's eyes, beneath all the hatred. Even here there was hatred, but it wasn't so focused – there was more of a feeling of injustice. Sometimes it was best no to think of it; thoughts of Ishbal and Amestris only sunk him into the same melancholic thinking he encountered on the streets. It had taken some time, but he had managed to fool his own consciousness into not reverting back to those memories; instead he focused on getting back, of finding a way out of this strange world and back to his own – back to the memories that haunted him in the night.

"Get a grip…" he muttered to himself with a shake of his head, which sent the long pony tail whisking against the nape of his neck. Hands shoved into the deep pockets of his pants, Ed continued walking; exploring the somber town that had become his new residence until they decided to move again, or he came upon useful information that would lead him in different directions. After four years of never remaining in one place longer than a few months at a time, Ed found it strange even having a house to call his own, having a bed to sleep in instead of the wooden seat of a rumbling train. Even having his father to come home to every night was something that had taken some getting used to. Their relationship had been shaky at first, but he knew the truth. And despite having felt so much hate for so many years, he understood and accepted it. All that there had been left was breaking the habit of hating him.

His thoughts were interrupted as golden eyes spotted an information sign that immediately caused him to perk up and cheer his spirits.

Munich Munincipal Library to the left.

Edward broke into a run along the sidewalk; expertly avoiding other pedestrians and the ball-throwing game of a small group of kids in order to reach the intersection. Bright glistening eyes searched frantically as he took the left turn, zooming along the less-crowded street until – there it was, in all its majestic glory, the possible answer to his biggest dilemma.

He ascended the marble steps quickly, quietly, boots thudding lightly against the newly washed stone. At the circulation desk, he received the necessary information that led him to the several scientific and technological archives upon which he greatest secrets of recent developments were revealed before his eyes.

Maybe the move hadn't been so bad, after all, he mused to himself, buzzing with excitement as he tugged one of the stepstools toward the high shelf. His mind went blank second later as he ascended the dark metal stepstool…and gazed up at the desired thick leather-bound volume. Stretching his left hand up, he barely reached it fumed inwardly.

"This has to be a freaking joke!" He flailed momentarily, glaring at the book whose innocence did not save it from the vertically challenged alchemist's wrath. After glimpsing around to make sure he had not called attention to himself, Ed hopped, snatching the edge of the binding just in time to pull it down. And thus, regaining his composure under the sense of victory, climbed down as he already flipped through the pages.

"Will this be it?" the cheerful voice of the librarian echoed lightly.

"For now, yes," he nodded, not looking up from the card he filled out with the proper information that would give him access to much sought resources. Fleshy digits slid it across the counter to her moments later.

"All right, Mr. Elric" she paused, blinking at the neat left-handed writing on the card before peering up at him only to blink once more.

"Something wrong?" Ed arced a brow curiously.

"No, of course not." The cheerful smile returned. She stamped back slip and slid the texts toward him. "They'll be due at the end of the month."

"Thank you," he muttered quietly, intrigued by the librarian's hesitation at the sight of his name. He supposed it had been all over the newspapers ever since their arrival, but usually the newscast referred to his father by his first name. Tucking the books under his arm, he padded away from the desk toward the main entrance. Even as he climbed down the steps he could feel the girl's gaze on his back. It was unnerving. He hurried his pace.

-

Where was he? Where was he?

For hours he had wandered the streets in hope he could catch a glimpse of that familiar face; catch one sight, one word of his whereabouts and yet luck had not been on his side – or anywhere near him, for that matter. Even now, knowing he was in the same goddamn city, Hohenheim still managed to elude him.

The bastard.

Tired and fed up with his lack of success, Envy headed home. Sulking with fuming rage in a way only he could muster, he stalked toward the humble apartment house as the sun attempted to cheer him through its last dying rays above the high buildings.

The key turned in the lock and Bean came to welcome him home with a happy mew. The small animal dashed across the floor toward him, rubbing its little black furred head against his legs as Envy tried to close the door.

"What are you still doing here?" He asked, picking the kitten up to carry it away from the door. Bean purred and curled up in his arms, nuzzling against his chest sleepily. "You stalk me on the street one day and now you're taking up residence?" Envy muttered, scratching behind its white-tipped ears. "Demanding little thing, aren't you?"

It was amazing how such a simple being could calm that frustration and rage that had previously consumed him. Envy plopped it down on the bed as he sat to undo the laces of his boots. Golden eyes then caught something – a simple white daisy lying on the floor. He blinked, arcing a brow and looked at the slumbering kitten. Maybe it had taken a stroll during his absence after all. He plucked the single flower from the floor and set it on the nightstand with a faint chuckle.

If Lust were to see him now… he wasn't sure whether the fellow homunculus would be amused or downright scared. The though made him snicker.

A little furry head nudged at his side and he realized that the laughter must have woken Bean up. The kitty gazed up at him with those pale yellow eyes, pawing at his arm, which only succeeded in getting his claws caught on the thin sleeve. Envy cringed the sharp claws that used his arm as a scratching post as Bean flailed to get himself free.

"Must you also be as clumsy as the chibi?" he sighed and steadied the white paw to unhook the claws from his shirt and abused skin.

Maybe because it was a hyper, clumsy, hungry little thing was why he tolerated its presence. He would never admit it to being so, however. But behind closed doors where no one saw him, it was safe to linger his gaze upon the kitten and think of that blonde hair, that sharp tongue and short temper. Envy smiled lazily, catching himself petting the loudly-purring Bean that had sprawled out on the bed beside him.

Behind closed doors it was all right. Just it had been all right to devour those lips and skin with rough, demanding kisses that had been returned. Just like it had been all right to take that partly automated body to his own, to consume it and lay claim upon him with every touch and thrust of hips that sent shivers over both of their backs and groans to be drawn from their throats.

Yes, behind closed doors everything was fine. Just like it had always been.

The morning came quickly, painfully so. But at least it wasn't raining again. The lazy sun peeked out from behind white clouds, casting shadows over the streets that moved gradually as pushed by the breeze.

His morning routine returned as unhurried steps lead him toward the small café. It was more crowded than usual, he noticed upon walking through the threshold. It was also Sunday, he reminded himself dully. The days had begun to merge into one another, leaving him to float through the hours with only a mild recollection of what was taking place in the world around him.

The routine felt just like what it was: something meaningless he did in order to pass the time until his brain properly woke up for the remaining of the day. The caffeine helped. Even the few interesting articles in the paper sometimes helped. But this morning, his mind still dozed – probably in order to spare him the humiliation of being so close to his objective and having gotten nowhere fast.

Annoyed by the trajectory his thoughts were taking, Envy hastily finished the strong coffee, somehow avoiding burning his tongue on the hot drink as he rose to abandon his usual seat and venture into the outside world. He would ask around, if it came to that. Someone was bound to know something.

The plans that had just formulated and mapped themselves out so neatly in his mind was scattered and tossed to the wind immediately as he opened the café door and the warm morning breeze greeted him. Instead of walking into open space, his slender body collided harshly with the human wall of resistance that had stepped into his path.

"Umph!" he grunted, staggering back a couple of steps. "Watch where you're going, twerp!" he spat angrily in the flawless German he had perfected over the long months.

He would have been happy to side-step the damn kid. However, the bastard didn't bother moving out of the way. It was only then that Envy took the time to look up at him, mouth open and ready to fire off a string of curses. The words were frozen, however, choked in his suddenly tight throat. He met those matching golden eyes, wide in surprise, watched the disbelief that had spread over his face only to remain.

The picture…the article in the newspaper…the crossing from England…the picture… It all flooded his mind in a rush of information and emotion he wasn't able to shut down.

"Ed…" he gasped breathlessly.

"You…" was the only word Ed could muster as he stared into that face – so unfamiliar and yet nightmarishly familiar through the short second he had been graced with it before seeing his own death. "You…" he repeated, stepping backward and further into the sidewalk. "You bastard!" he finally exploded half-coherently as tears stung his eyes.

Envy blinked, and then glared at the heart-warming reception. It wasn't surprising, however. He had expected nothing other than curses and anger – even if he had realistically given up on the idea of ever experiencing such a reunion. He had killed him, after all and saw it nearly every night in his dreams. Even if those dreams then rewarded him with a different version of the reunion between them, it was unrealistic and foolish to ever consider it possible.

"Tch!" he hissed and stepped forward. The door closed behind him, thankfully removing the attention they had gathered from inside the establishment. He planned to walk right past him, ignore the twerp lest he said or did something he would later regret. The idea had even been a damn good one, however, the sharp left-handed punch that slammed hard into his jaw, sending him a few steps backward had not been part of said plans. It also sent out subliminal messages that the chibi had different plans. His jaw throbbed, skin blazing under his fingers. He could taste blood in his mouth, and glared.

"Don't you just walk away from me!"

"And why not?" Envy returned, the anger bubbling beyond the low simmer he had managed to keep it at. "What do you want from me? What more could you possibly want?"

Ed blinked, taken back by the outburst. The moment of vulnerable surprise was short-lived and replaced by furrowed brows. Stubborn as ever. "You owe me."

"I…what?"

"You owe me! Al sacrificed his life to revive me. He sacrificed all we worked for all this time because of you!"

Envy was forced into silence. He remembered that moment; the dangerous glow of activating alchemy that had brought him to the gate and eventually here. So it had worked… the Philosopher's Stone had truly worked after all. But that didn't answer as to… "Why are you here?"

The alchemist blinked, eyes glazed by unshed tears of frustration, anger, perhaps even sadness. "W-what?"

"Why are you here?" He hated having to repeat himself…

"I…tried to get him back again…"

Dear gods, the vicious cycle never ended! "Are you that stupid!" he shouted, caring not for the attention it drew them both. "Didn't you learn the first time around!" Envy took satisfaction of watching him flinch. "How could you do that again…" he shook his head, disgusted and whirled, showing the fool his back as he walked away.

"What if it worked…" he heard Fullmetal mutter indignantly, protecting his actions.

"And what if it didn't?" was his only cold answer before walking on, his teeth grit together as he heard the footsteps follow him only seconds later.. "Leave me alone, Edward."

The name visibly jarred the younger man. He was far too stubborn, however to give up. Far too stubborn to actually listen to someone when there was more argument left in his small system. And thus, after a moment's hesitation, he jogged slightly to try and keep up, making a successful grab at Envy's shirtsleeve. "What part of 'leave me alone' do you not understand?"

"I couldn't not do anything and go on ignoring the reason as to why I was alive!"

"Oh, why not?" he purred maliciously. "You're good at the ignoring game."

The blonde alchemist frowned at the visible bitterness Envy still felt over what had happened between them. It was amazing he had not done something stupid by then…like try to jump him right where they were…

"Wh-…how did you get here?"

It took the once-homunculus a moment as his brain switched gears to comprehend the sudden topic change. The chibi obviously did not want to go back into the past. Ironic, really. "I went through the bloody gate, what the hell do you think?" he had absolutely no patience for an interrogation or to be the guinea pig subject of the alchemist's burning curiosity.

"But you…"

A bitter laugh interrupted him. Envy snickered, though the sound that escaped him was nothing close to amusement as it grew in volume so did it heighten the lack of hilarity of the situation. He sobered up almost immediately as he set eyes upon the chibi. It was beginning to take real effort to keep that cold distance. It was becoming difficult to listen to the rational side of his brain that told him to walk away and just keep walking, and that maybe he would wake up in the morning and find it all to be a dream. The other side of his brain, however, told him to do something irrational like punch the misplaced unreasonable frustration out of his face for example.

Okay, perhaps it wasn't unreasonable frustration…he had died at his hand, after all. But at least shut those questions up. Do something that would make him disappear once and for all. He had once hoped for this moment…where he could see him once more, kiss those lips once more, feel the warmth that radiated from that lightly tanned flesh once again and yet, here they were in the middle of the street on a mildly cloudy Sunday morning in Munich, Germany, going back and forth between argument and pure curiosity, which emerged from both of their lack of knowledge from this mysterious and strange world.

He supposed he could sympathize with the questions, after all he had been nothing even closely resembling human beneath the surface and yet, here he was in one solid piece, alive and well and in that despicable form he had tried so hard to forget. He could imagine Ed's confusion, but that did not mean he would sit there and answer his every question.

And then it hit him.

"Where is he?"

Edward was thrown off by the quick change of subjects, by the laughter that died so abruptly upon his sneering lips. "Wha—"

"Hohenheim of Light, where is he!"

Ah yes, those were the magic words. Envy saw the widening of golden eyes, the momentary panic that crossed those features. So he knew. He knew and wouldn't tell him. This much was certain from his reaction alone. It infuriated him that after all this time, after having gone through the exact same thing – that feeling of abandonment he would still protect the bastard.

Long digits reached out, twisting into the collar of Ed's white shirt, only to tug him closer. "I know he's here. I saw it in the paper. Where is he, chibi-san?"

"Give it up, Envy…" he sounded almost…sad; showing a pity the once-homunculus despised ardently.

"Why should I when he is the reason I'm here!"

"You came here because you wan-"

"I came here because he deserves to die for what he's done to me! What he's done to us!"

It was then that Ed shook out of that angry grip, pushing that hand away with his left one. "Don't include me in your vendetta. I don't want any part of it."

Silence reigned for a few moments, until Envy stepped back. "Fine," he spat.

"Can't you even accept the idea that the world might not just be all out to get you?"

"Spare me the lecture, chibi-san," he looked away, staring at the cobblestones that make up the sidewalk off to the side.

"No, I'm not going to spare you the goddamn lecture, you selfish bastard!" Edward snapped angrily, glaring up at him, which created a rather humorous sight for a passer-by to witness. "Maybe if you were to stop thinking about yourself for a minute, you'd realize that the reason you're here," he emphasized his point with a sharp jab of fingers into Envy's upper chest. "is because he cared enough to risk everything to bring you back!"

The audacious little…

"Maybe if you weren't so goddamn blind you'd see that he loved yo"

Something snapped within him and Envy reached out, tangling his fingers around Ed's shirt for the second time that morning and sharply tugged him close. "Would you love me? Would you look into these murderous eyes and feel something other than hate and shame?"

Lips parted, golden eyes widening in surprise, taken back by the question. But before Fullmetal even had a chance to release the breath that had been held in his lungs, a finger was pressed to his lips, silencing any possible words.

"No, don't answer it. Don't say anything, it doesn't matter. Run home to papa," he shoved him back – a rejected China doll, abandoned in the warm morning sun that highlighted the golden strands of his hair, swinging in the faint breeze that rustled at his clothes, swept against his face and wide eyes, blank, staring at the tense back and whisking golden waves...

He had turned in time, turned right before Ed could see the turmoil that raged in Envy's eyes; before he could see the emotion that rippled beneath the surface of cold, hardened features.

He had already said too much…


Longest chapter yet. Phew. But a lot has happened that should, hopefully, answer a few questions…and raise some more. XD 'Cause I'm evil like that. :grin: By the way, this chapter has a title page, which you can see over on my DeviantArt page (handle: anda-chan).