Thank you for continuing to hang in there with me!
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Obi-Wan picked a room for himself on the comfortable ship. He sat down on the sleep couch and pulled his knees up under his chin. He had thought that he would at least feel better having been rescued, but he didn't. While he was still at Zirta's compound, he was in full survival mode. Now that he was out of there, the full weight of everything he'd done was crashing in on him. Obi-Wan felt like an exposed wire. He didn't want to be looked at, touched or spoken to. He wanted to be left ALONE!
Qui-Gon walked in a moment later, dashing Obi-Wan's hopes. "Padawan?"
Obi-Wan scooted around so his back was to Qui-Gon. "Please leave me alone, Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon did not fail to notice that Obi-Wan didn't call him Master. He walked around the sleep couch to face him. "Please don't shut me out, Obi-Wan." He put his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder and was surprised when Obi-Wan jerked away.
Obi-Wan quickly scooted away from Qui-Gon and pinned his back against the wall. "PLEASE leave me alone!" He didn't want his master's sympathy. Obi-Wan knew that Qui-Gon would say anything he could in an attempt to make him feel better. I don't deserve his sympathy!
Qui-Gon slowly sat down on the edge of the sleep couch. "Padawan, I can't leave you alone. I want to help you."
Obi-Wan's countenance changed from that of a caged animal to that of a beaten animal. "Don't call me Padawan. I no longer deserve that title."
Mace entered the room at that moment. "Qui-Gon, may I have a word with you?"
Qui-Gon didn't want to leave Obi-Wan with that last comment unanswered. But he could tell that Mace meant NOW. He reluctantly stood up, still gazing at his broken apprentice. "I'll be back, Obi-Wan." He walked quickly out into the hallway with Mace.
Qui-Gon glanced out the viewport and saw that they were now in hyperspace. He had been so engrossed in his attempted conversation with Obi-Wan that he hadn't even felt them take off. "Obi-Wan doesn't want me to touch him and he doesn't want me calling him Padawan. He says that he no longer deserves that title." Qui-Gon's voice was filled with grief.
"That's why I came in when I did." Mace put his hand on the larger man's shoulder. "He isn't ready for your help yet. You're his mentor and his father figure. He loves you. But right now, he feels completely unworthy of you. Showing him your love and concern will only enhance those feelings of unworthiness and push him away more."
Qui-Gon studied Mace. He had come to see the Councilor in a new light on this mission. Many Jedi saw Mace as being too stoic and too cold. Yes, Mace was disciplined, determined and by-the-book, but Qui-Gon knew now that he wasn't cold. "What do you suggest?"
"I'd like to talk with him – as a Jedi Council member and someone kind of on the outside."
Qui-Gon could see the wisdom in Mace's words. "You're right. Obi-Wan would probably see my words as nothing more than meaningless reassurances to make him feel better. He'd probably be more apt to believe them coming from you."
Mace nodded and walked into Obi-Wan's room. Obi-Wan was now sitting on the ledge of the viewport, staring out into space.
Obi-Wan glanced at Mace, but didn't otherwise acknowledge his presence. He knew that he should follow Jedi etiquette in greeting a member of the Council, but what did it matter? He wouldn't be a Jedi for long, anyway.
Mace sat down on the edge of the sleep couch and decided to just get to it. "I know everything that happened to you since your capture."
Obi-Wan turned to Mace in horror. Oh, please no! "How?"
Mace nearly reeled at the force of the guilt and shame emanating from the young man. "Flyn told me." He held up his hand. "Don't be angry with her. I made her tell me."
Obi-Wan turned back to the view of space. He wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. The weight of his emotions was overwhelming him. His shoulders slumped and he silently acknowledged what was to come. "I will not fight the Council's decision, Master Windu."
Mace decided to get Obi-Wan to expand on that. "What decision is that, Padawan?"
"I won't fight my dismissal from the Order."
"There will be no dismissal, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan turned back to Mace, actually looking him in the eye. "What?"
"The Council has no intention of dismissing you." Mace looked Obi-Wan steadily in the eye. He wanted him to know that he meant what he said.
"Then you DON'T know everything I did." Obi-Wan turned back to the viewport.
"I assure you I do." Mace really hated to do this to Obi-Wan, but he knew it was necessary. "You killed twenty-one men in the Games, correct?" He watched as Obi-Wan nodded his head in shame. "Zirta forced you to be her consort, correct?" Obi-Wan seemed to diminish even more as he again nodded his head.
Mace was determined to get through to him. "Obi-Wan, you put aside your pride. You put aside your physical, emotional and mental well-being in order to protect the lives of one hundred men. If that isn't the act of a Jedi, I don't know what is."
"But I killed twenty-one innocent men! And I let my emotions, my anger, get the best of me!" Obi-Wan still didn't look at Mace.
"Yes, you killed twenty-one men. But you did that to save the lives of one hundred others. You made a choice that no one should ever have to make. Considering you weren't able to access the Force, and considering the things you were made to endure, I'm not surprised that your emotions got the better of you at times. The same thing would happen to any experienced and wise Jedi master under similar circumstances."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "But you don't know how far I went! Last night, I completely gave into my anger. I was so tired of being used and controlled! I decided that I was going to control HER for a change. I…"
"Obi-Wan," Mace's voice was firm. "Zirta forced you to do things that no one – especially someone your age – should ever have to do. Whatever happened, she brought it upon herself. And SHE killed those twenty-one men as surely as if she had been fighting in the Games herself."
Mace got up and brought a chair close to the viewport. He sat down and studied Obi-Wan. "Upon your return to the Temple after the incidents of Melida/Daan, I was very hard on you. I thought you had shown that you were controlled by your emotions and that you lacked commitment. Over time, I came to see, with a little help from Yoda," he added with amusement, "that your actions were caused by your deep sense of compassion and justice. I also came to see that once those qualities were coupled with maturity and experience, you would make an extraordinary Jedi Knight."
Obi-Wan turned to look Mace in the eye. He was having a hard time believing what he was hearing. But he knew that Master Windu was not one who lied or exaggerated.
Mace leaned in towards Obi-Wan. "And let me tell you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, I am more certain of that now than ever before."
Obi-Wan didn't know what to say. He sat there and drank in the sincerity written all over Mace's features. He felt the weight of thinking his life as a Jedi was over leave him. Obi-Wan knew that he still had a hard road ahead of him, but at least he'd be on that road as a Jedi. When Mace got up, he followed suit.
Mace placed his hand on the young man's shoulder. "I'm proud of you, Obi-Wan, and so is Qui-Gon. We're going to do everything we can to help you through this." Mace was thrilled at the spark of hope that entered Obi-Wan's eyes. He gave his shoulder a squeeze before turning to leave.
"M...Master Windu?"
Mace turned back around. "Yes?"
Obi-Wan gave him small smile. "Thank you."
Mace returned his smile. "You're welcome."
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Qui-Gon jumped out of his seat as soon as Mace reemerged from Obi-Wan's room. "How did it go?"
"It went well. He's finally convinced that he's still a Jedi. I also think he's finally convinced that we don't blame him for what he did – that we find his actions commendable under the circumstances."
Qui-Gon breathed a sigh a relief. "Thank you, Mace."
"I was glad to do it. We're over that hurdle, but now we'll have to deal with his emotional trauma. I think we can expect nightmares and emotional outbursts that run the gamut."
Qui-Gon nodded. "He hasn't even attempted to access the Force yet. I think he feels unworthy of its comfort."
"Yes, we'll have to encourage and even help him access the Force. He may be too traumatized and emotionally overrun to keep a decent connection." Mace sat down in the common area of the ship. "Let's give him some time to absorb what I told him. Then let's encourage him to come out and join us for dinner. The worst thing we can do is let him isolate himself."
Qui-Gon took a seat nearby. "One of us should stay awake and be with him while he sleeps. That way, if he starts to have a nightmare, we can intervene."
"Agreed. We'll take shifts so we can both get some sleep each night."
Qui-Gon suddenly looked uneasy. "Master Windu, did you give the Council all the details about what happened to Obi-Wan?"
Mace gazed at him steadily. "Yes. I will not withhold any information from them." Mace did not appreciate Qui-Gon's lack of faith in the Council. "The Council needs to have all the information on any given topic in order to make the best decisions possible. We will seal the report of all the details about what happened to Obi-Wan at Zirta's hands. No one outside the Council will be able to access that information. Everyone on the Council cares about Obi-Wan and wants to protect him. They also want to do everything possible to help him heal. The Council is on Obi-Wan's side, Qui-Gon."
"I know that, Master Windu." Qui-Gon tried to keep the irritation out of his voice.
Mace gave Qui-Gon that 'I can see through you' look. "Do you?" He had always chafed at the defiance and seeming lack of trust that Qui-Gon frequently displayed before the Council.
Suddenly uncomfortable under Mace's gaze, Qui-Gon got up. "I'm going to go get Obi-Wan to come out for dinner."
Mace sighed as he got up. "Fine. I'll get dinner going." He didn't think that he and Qui-Gon would ever truly see eye to eye – except maybe when it came to their mutual concern about Obi-Wan.
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Qui-Gon entered Obi-Wan's room to find him sitting by the viewport. He walked up behind him and hesitantly put his hand on his shoulder. His apprentice looked up at him and even offered him a faint smile.
Obi-Wan stood up and faced Qui-Gon. "I'm sorry for my behavior earlier, Master." He felt a lot better since his conversation with Mace, but the numbness had returned. What's wrong with me? Earlier I felt overwhelmed by my emotions, now I don't feel anything.
"There's no need to apologize, Padawan. I'm just so glad to have you back."
Shouldn't I feel SOMETHING after a statement like that? "Thank you, Master."
"Come join us for dinner, Padawan." Qui-Gon pointed his finger at Obi-Wan. "No is not an option."
"Yes, Master." Obi-Wan walked out into the common area with Qui-Gon. He noticed Mace preparing dinner in the open kitchen. He automatically went in and started helping. He got out the plates and the silverware and set the table.
Mace watched Obi-Wan with barely concealed amazement. Now that Obi-Wan was assured of his place with the Jedi, he fell immediately back into his role of the dutiful padawan. Even after all he'd been through, he felt the need to do his duty. Mace's estimation of the young man went up even more.
All through dinner, Mace and Qui-Gon kept the conversation on innocuous topics. Obi-Wan spoke when spoken to, but otherwise remained quiet throughout the meal. After the meal, Obi-Wan got up and started clearing off the table. The other two pitched in and got everything cleaned up.
Qui-Gon guided Obi-Wan over to the sitting area. "You have not yet accessed the Force, Obi-Wan. The Force is your ally and will help you through this recovery process. Master Windu and I would like you to meditate with us tonight."
"No!" The word was out of Obi-Wan's mouth before he could stop it. He started to back away from Qui-Gon. "I mean I can't! If I meditate I'll have to remember! I'll see their faces! I can't, Masters!" He ran into his room.
"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon went to go after him, but Mace stepped in his path.
"Don't, Qui-Gon. We can't push him. If we do it'll make things worse." Mace sat down. "He's right. Meditating WILL bring remembrance. It will be a necessary step in his healing, but it's not one he can endure just yet. Since he's not willing to access the Force himself, we'll have to send him comforting waves from the Force as he needs them. But we also have to be careful not to do it so much that he delays accessing the Force for himself."
Qui-Gon dropped down onto the sofa. "I have the feeling we're going to be a walking a thin line for a while.
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Mace was sitting second shift with Obi-Wan while he slept. The first shift with Qui-Gon had gone by without incident. Mace was beginning the think that Obi-Wan was going to have a nightmare-free, complete night's sleep. But then Obi-Wan started to move restlessly. He jerked his head to the side. "No!"
Mace was instantly at his side. He put his hand on Obi-Wan's forehead. But upon hearing, "Don't touch me," he jerked it back. Mace then realized that Obi-Wan was talking to someone in his dream. Obi-Wan pulled his blanket tighter around himself and curled into a ball. "Please, stop touching me. Leave me alone."
Mace put his hand back on Obi-Wan's forehead. He sent him soothing waves from the Force. Instantly the young man relaxed a bit. Mace spoke soothingly to him. "You're relaxed and you're having fun, Obi-Wan. You're in the Room of a Thousand Fountains with Bant, Garen and Reeft. You're swimming and enjoying each other's company."
Obi-Wan relaxed even more. A smile crept onto his young face. Mace let out his breath as he studied the sleeping form. The humiliation the boy had been subject to made him sick! How could anyone do something like that to a boy like him? He went back to his seat, wishing he could permanently take the boy's pain away.
