I'm sorry this update wasn't as fast as usual! This is heavy-duty emotional stuff and I want to make sure I do it right. I appreciate your thoughts!
oooooo
Obi-Wan sat in his room late the next morning. Qui-Gon and Mace had finally allowed him a moment to himself. He was on edge. He felt angry – at whom or for what reason, he didn't really know. Obi-Wan was still finding it hard to face his master. He had no doubt that Qui-Gon knew about what happened to him. That knowledge alone was enough to make him want to hide. It was humiliating! Why did Qui-Gon have to know?
I hope Master doesn't ask me to talk about it! I CAN'T talk about it – least of all with him! Obi-Wan knew that he wasn't thinking rationally here. Qui-Gon cared about him and only wanted to help. But no one could help him with this. He had to be able to deal with this himself. It was too private, too horrible and too humiliating to share with anyone! Obi-Wan again felt the burning need to be left alone.
It was amazing to Obi-Wan that the Jedi did not blame him for his behavior. He was glad, but it made him feel even more guilty and unworthy to have their support. I really am a mess! He felt that if he could just keep his wits about him and not let his emotions rule, then he'd be okay. I will deal with what I did when I feel more able to handle it.
When Qui-Gon entered the room, Obi-Wan was instantly annoyed. All throughout his imprisonment he had people constantly hovering around him, whether it was Zirta or Krana and Jancy or grasping crowds. He'd hardly ever had any time to himself. Now that he was free, he had his master and Mace hovering around him constantly! Obi-Wan tried to push down his irritation.
"Obi-Wan, will you please join us in the common area?" Qui-Gon could sense his padawan's irritation. Obi-Wan had been moody all morning. That had obviously not changed.
Like I have a choice! Obi-Wan had to swallow the sarcastic remark before he vocalized it. He was a padawan and needed to be obedient. "Yes, Master." He followed Qui-Gon out into the common area. Mace was sitting on the sofa sipping his tea. Obi-Wan sat down beside him.
Qui-Gon pulled a chair close to the coffee table. He pulled out a deck of cards. "How about a card game?"
Obi-Wan looked at his master askance. "You brought me out here to play cards?" He was in no mood for a stupid game!
Qui-Gon smiled at him as he started to shuffle the cards. "Why not? It will help pass the time."
Let me pass the time in my own way! Again, Obi-Wan struggled to keep his thought silent. He worked to keep his bubbling emotions corked. It wasn't entirely working.
Mace watched Obi-Wan out of the corner of his eye. He could tell the young man was about to explode. It would be good for Obi-Wan to release some of his pent-up emotions. It could also lead to an opportunity to discuss what happened to him back on Aurelia.
Qui-Gon was feeling quite frustrated. He was completely at a loss as how to help Obi-Wan. It was an ironic thing that kept his padawan from confiding in him – their close relationship. He knew that Obi-Wan was completely humiliated and didn't want him to know any details about what he went through. But, blast, it was hard to think that there was nothing he could do! Qui-Gon knew he'd have to be patient. He also knew that his apprentice was on the brink of blowing up and that he very well could be at the receiving end of it.
Obi-Wan was fuming. He didn't want to play cards. He wanted to be alone! Was that really so much to ask? He watched with a darkening expression as Qui-Gon dealt the cards. "I don't want to play cards. I would really prefer to be alone right now." He tried to keep his voice calm.
Here it comes. Qui-Gon kept his voice soft. "We think it's best for you to spend time with others and NOT be alone."
"So in other words, I'm still in a prison! I was hardly allowed even a moment to myself while in Zirta's clutches! Do I have NO say in how I spend my time now that I'm out?" Obi-Wan didn't give either master a chance to speak. The words were flowing and he couldn't seem to stop them. "I am sick and tired of being controlled! Everyone always wants something from me! Why can't you just let me deal with this alone?" He got up and stalked back to his room.
"Go talk to him, Qui-Gon. Don't give him time to bury these feelings again." Mace watched as Qui-Gon walked quickly into the young man's room.
As Qui-Gon entered, Obi-Wan swung around with anger blazing in his eyes. "Why won't you leave me alone? I don't want you around me!" The look of hurt that crossed Qui-Gon's face was enough to instantly quell Obi-Wan's rage. A sharp stab of guilt hit him. "I'm sorry Master, I didn't mean that." He turned back around as tears started to form in his eyes. What is wrong with me?
Qui-Gon could hardly believe the maelstrom of emotions swirling around inside his padawan. "Obi-Wan, I know that you're feeling overwhelmed right now. But please don't shut me out." He moved a step closer to his apprentice. "I know that you're humiliated that I know what happened to you. I can't tell you that I understand what you went through. I can't tell you that I understand what you're going through right now." He moved another step closer to Obi-Wan. "But I can tell you that I'm here for you, that I feel nothing but pride for you…" Force, why are these words so hard for me to say? "…and that I love you."
That was it. Obi-Wan felt like someone cut the strings holding him upright. He sunk to his knees and started to sob.
Qui-Gon dropped to his knees and pulled his padawan into his arms. He held him and just let him cry. The pain in the boy ripped at his heart. He found himself thinking some very un-Jedi-like thoughts about Zirta. That evil, wretched woman had done this to his sweet, young apprentice! Jedi do not seek vengeance. Jedi do not seek vengeance.
When Obi-Wan finished crying, he sat back and wiped at his face. He turned to the side and wrapped his arms around his knees. "I'm sorry, Master."
Qui-Gon sat back and tried to look his apprentice in the eye. "There's nothing to be sorry about, Padawan. Releases like this are actually healthy." He studied the young man, wondering how he should pose his question. "Obi-Wan…"
Obi-Wan turned his large eyes to Qui-Gon. "Master, I'm not ready to talk about it yet."
"Okay, Padawan, I won't push you. But I'm here when you are ready." Qui-Gon reached over and put his hand on Obi-Wan's arm. "I do want you to do something for me. I want you to access the Force. I'm not saying you have to meditate yet, but at least let the Force help you deal with your emotions. Release them, Padawan, don't hold them in."
Obi-Wan sighed, laying his chin on his knees. "I know you're right. I thought I could keep my emotions under control, but instead they're controlling me. I'll do it, Master, but if you don't mind, I'd really like to do it alone."
"Alright, Padawan. I'll give you an hour. Then how about coming out and joining us for lunch?"
"Okay, Master." When Obi-Wan was alone again, he got into his meditative stance. He steadied his breathing and tried to clear his mind. He had no intentions of fully meditating, but he knew that he needed the comfort and the peace of the Force flowing through him.
Obi-Wan tentatively reached out to the Force. Soothing tendrils of the Force started to move their way through his being. They calmed his frayed nerves and gave him reassurance. There were no recriminations. Why did I think there would be? He released his anger, his pain, his shame and his guilt into the Force. He relished the sensation of those feelings ebbing away.
Not wanting the moment to end, Obi-Wan just basked in the comfort of the Force. He deliberately kept his mind shut off and just enjoyed the physical and spiritual comfort. A part of Obi-Wan couldn't help but be disappointed – knowing that this would only be a temporary relief. The emotions and the memories would come back and sometime soon he'd have to face them.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Qui-Gon walked out of Obi-Wan's room and joined Mace on the sofa. "Well, at least he released some of his pent-up emotions. The pain in that boy is enough to…" Qui-Gon stopped as his voice wavered.
Mace looked at him with empathetic eyes. "I know."
When Qui-Gon had centered himself again, he continued. "He at least let me hold him as he cried, but he wasn't ready to talk about what happened to him. Since he isn't ready to meditate yet, I asked him to at least connect with the Force enough to release his emotions and take in some comfort. He agreed, but wanted to do it alone."
Mace's eyes grew distant for a moment. "Yes, I can sense him connecting with the Force right now. Good. This is a good start. Yoda will be pleased to hear about this." At Qui-Gon's raised eyebrow Mace added, "Yoda has already contacted me a couple of times since we left Aurelia to check on Obi-Wan. He's very concerned about him."
Qui-Gon nodded. "Yes, this is a good start, but I have the feeling we're in for a long, bumpy road."
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
After two more days of travel, they finally arrived back at the Temple. As they readied to disembark, Obi-Wan only partially succeeded to release his anxiety into Force. His trepidation had grown as they got closer to Coruscant. How many of the Jedi knew what happened to him? Would they all be able to see through his shields? How would they treat him?
Obi-Wan was dressed in full Jedi attire. He looked the part of the Jedi padawan, but he didn't really feel like one. The desire to retreat inside himself was strong. He wanted to hide from his fellow Jedi. He was closing himself off again. Even knowing that it was happening, he had no idea how to stop it. He didn't know how to turn off what had become an automatic defense system. He then felt his master's hand on his shoulder and calming waves from the Force flow through him.
As the ramp lowered, Obi-Wan could see Master Yoda waiting to greet them. His anxiety hitched up anew. Mace put his hand on the apprentice's other shoulder. Again Obi-Wan felt calming Force waves. Taking a deep breath, he started down the ramp – a Jedi master attached to each side.
Yoda sat on his hoverpad, watching them approach. Despite the efforts of Mace and Qui-Gon, he could still sense Obi-Wan's distress. The pain inside the padawan was great. Yoda's heart hurt for him. He could sense the struggle in the young man to even look him in the eye. Much healing he has yet to do.
Obi-Wan bowed. "Master Yoda." He willed himself to maintain eye contact with the venerable Jedi master.
Yoda gazed at him with open warmth and affection. "Obi-Wan, very good it is to have you back."
Obi-Wan's apprehension eased a bit. "Thank you, Master."
"Come. Go inside we will. Waiting for you the healers are, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan stopped. "The healers?"
"Routine it is. Stay long you will not." Yoda's hoverpad floated ahead towards the entrance to the Temple.
Obi-Wan reluctantly followed. Mace and Qui-Gon removed their hands from his shoulders. They didn't want to make it obvious that Obi-Wan needed support. They stayed beside him and continued to aid him through the Force.
As they headed for the healer ward, they encountered very few other Jedi. Those few gave respectful nods to the Council members and continued on their way. Obi-Wan was extremely grateful for the lack of attention.
Healer Sy'Tan was there to greet them. "Hello, Masters, Padawan. Please follow me, Obi-Wan." She walked down the hall towards his examining room.
Obi-Wan glanced back at the masters before slowly following her. Yoda's hoverpad floated in front of Qui-Gon. "A full report on this mission the Council expects, Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon tried not to let his irritation show. "Obi-Wan is in no position to endure a grilling from the Council!"
Yoda looked at him impassively. "Ask that of Obi-Wan, we would not. While examined your apprentice is, full report to the Council on your mission you and Mace will give."
"I apologize, Master. Let me go inform Obi-Wan of where I'll be." Qui-Gon walked into the examining room to find Healer Sy'Tan examining Obi-Wan's shoulder. His tunic was off and he sat rigidly with his eyes facing forward. His face was stony. Qui-Gon could sense underlying currents of fear and shame.
"Will you give us a moment, please?" As the healer left, Qui-Gon focused on his apprentice. "Mace and I are going to give our report to the Council right now." His padawan's eyes turned panicky. "Obi-Wan, it'll be okay. We won't be gone long, I promise." He squeezed his padawan's clammy hand, sending him calm reassurance.
As Qui-Gon walked out of the examining room, he noticed a male healer walk back in. He quickly rejoined the two head Council members. Yoda was shaking his head mournfully. "Thought to request a male healer I should have."
Qui-Gon was surprised at Yoda's open display of emotion. "We're going to have to step carefully around him for a while, but we're never going to be able to anticipate everything that might set him off. It's not your fault, Master."
The three masters headed for the Council chamber in thoughtful silence. All three made silent vows to help Obi-Wan through this, no matter how long it took.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Obi-Wan sat on the sofa in the apartment he shared with Qui-Gon. He sipped his tea as he tried to catch up on his studies. His eyes went up as the door buzzer sounded. Qui-Gon hurried from his room to answer it. "Oh, Bant! Come in."
Obi-Wan locked his mental shields tightly. He was not happy to see her, but he certainly didn't want her to know that. He tried to at least fake a smile for her, but his mouth didn't seem to want to cooperate. "Hi, Bant."
Bant threw herself onto the sofa beside him and gave him an enthusiastic hug. "I'm so glad to see you, Obi!" Her joy quickly turned to confusion as Obi-Wan stiffened in her arms. She pulled away and tried to look him in the eye. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"I…I heard that you'd been captured and.."
Obi-Wan turned to Bant with an expression she couldn't quite name. "And what?"
Bant looked down, unable to hold his gaze. "Nothing. I mean that's all I heard, that you'd been captured. I was worried about you."
"I'm fine, Bant. Thank you for your concern." Obi-Wan got up off the sofa. "Now, if you'll excuse me." He quickly walked into his room.
Bant stared open-mouthed at the closed door to Obi-Wan's room. Qui-Gon came and sat beside her with a sympathetic smile. "Don't take it personally, Bant. He went through a very traumatic experience. He's still in the beginning stages of healing."
Horror shone in Bant's eyes. Qui-Gon was not one who exaggerated or used terms like 'traumatic' loosely. "What happened to him?"
Qui-Gon placed his hand on her shoulder. "He will have to be the one to tell you, Bant. It's not my place to do so. But don't push him. Let him tell you in his own time. For now, just be his friend. Be patient with him and support him. He will need that very much."
Bant nodded her head quickly. "I will, I promise!"
