This story was never finished was it? AH HA!
I don't own Harry Potter, or Animorphs, or any of the anime characters named in this chapter. Or Animal Farm (by George Orville). Or Reagan from the Excorsist. The list goes on and on.
Well here is an attempt at closure. I don't know. I don't think I've in a very funny mode at the moment. TA DA, the last installment of the Animorphs VS. Harry Potter (non-chatroom style, sorry)
Oh, and the thoughtspeaking is in italics.
So there they are. Stuck in a fridge. Tobias tries desperately to stop Sirius from becoming a cannibal (he's a human INSIDE, damn it!) but they both stop in their struggle once they hear the infected approaching.
"Doo u smell dem, babiigrrl?" It sounds like Ron, but his voice is so hideously distorted one can't be sure.
"I'm scared," Ginny whispers, wriggling closer to Harry in subtle attempt to get him to grop—um, I mean hold her. Mickey nudges herself and whispers, "K+ rating, remember . . . "
"Sorry . . . "
"We need a plan," Marco whispers desperately to the remaining Animorphs. "And I know exactly who will be able to help us!" He manages to take out his cell phone, somehow (it must be a mysterious Animorphs secret because after all they are in fridge.)
"Why are we even in a fridge!" Rachel whispers furiously, freezing her boot-ay (tee hee) off.
"You've got a nice boot-ay, Rachel, even if it's freezing." Rachel isn't sure who said that, Marco or Tobias. Either was it was odd . . . what did her boot-ay—buttocks have to do with anything!
Mickey seems to get possessed by Talia again. "We're in a fridge because the Anime Goddess wills it."
"SAY WHAT!"
"Dey b iin dere! I be heeriin voiicez iin dere!" Suddenly the door is roughly pulled open and all the fridge's inhabitant fall out. They land in very sloppy pile, and Ginny is very annoyed. She knows Harry was just about to be seduc—to hug her! To comfort her! Innocent! OH SO VERY INNOCENT.
If Ginny's intentions were an animal it would a tiny little bunny. A tiny little bunny that isn't in heat. A tiny little bunny giving out candy to little children. In a very NICE way. See, innocence practically is spurting from Ginny's pores. Yup.
"Good job, Talia," Mickey congratulates.
"JAKE! THINK UP OF A PLAN TO SAVE US, DAMN IT!" Marco screams into the phone.
"Hmm . . . have you tried the offer-a-box-donuts approach?"
"I hate you, Jake. I really do."
Soft sobbing can be heard from the other line. "Marco! You've injured me! RIGHT HERE—in case you can't see me, I'm slapping myself in the general area of my heart—AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVER FORGIVE YOU!"
"Hey, did I tell you I think Cassie has the hots for you?"
"Really! Do you think so? Do you think I should maybe try something? I mean, I don't know if I should. It could ruin my responsible image if I were to—"
"You were going to say treat her to ice cream weren't you?" Mickey interrupts Jake before he can say something inappropriate for the eyes of children and bears with overly large aprons.
"Ice cream? No. I was going to say that if I were to sleep with—"
"With those power ranger PJs you have? No, I don't think Cassie would think any lower of you if you were to wear them. While you're sleeping in your own bed and she's sleeping a mile away in her own house."
"How do you know about those PJs! WHO TOLD YOU!"
"U bee mad wack, yo." Luna sneaks up behind them (although technically, they're still in that pile on the ground. At least they're warm.)
"AHHHHHHHH!" They all scream and run away, quite randomly. Although Ron has been standing next to them for the last ten minutes. Then again, Ron is Ron. Who in their right minds would be scared of him?
Maybe an ant. I mean, if I were an ant I would be scared of Ron. He's got big feet. He could practically be that wolf in the little red riding hood story, and he'll say, "The better to crush you to ground with, my dear."
Okay, scary thought.
Anyway, they're running. And then they run some more. And then they collapse in another heap. Back to square one but without the scary ghetto girl breathing down her neck.
"Do you have a plan or not, Jake?" Rachel screams into the phone.
"I don't know. What do ghetto people fear the most?"
"Hmmm . . . "
"Hmmmm . . . "
"Hmmmm . . . "
"I KNOW!" Tonks cries out suddenly. "We must try to think like one of them, and then we will know they greatest fear!"
"But how!" Harry cries, and would have fallen dismally onto his knees if he hadn't been lying on his face without someone else's knees dug into his back. "What if we delve too deeply into the inner ghetto we each hold inside ourselves? What if we can never return!"
"I weep, Harry! I WEEP!"
They all stare a Ginny, who had said the last thing. She starts weeping.
Tonks continues, ignoring the racking sobs coming from Ginny's side of the pile. "It is the only way! There is no other choice! We must decide. Do we keep on living his life of fear forever or do we face our fears and defeat the armies of Reagan?"
Mickey suddenly disappears and Talia POOFs into her place. "Hey guys." She pushes them off her and dusts the dirt off her clothes. "Well, good luck with the plan." She begins to walk away from them, off into the distance, into the sun, INTO HER DESTINY!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! Elfangor cries, desperately aching for a line in this chapter. You can't leave us! You're our creator (not our owner. I am personally owned by a certain K.A. Applegate and Scholastics Inc—)
We get it, dung for brains! Ax yells at his brother. He wants to get up. His stomach hurts. Oh, what he would do for a little bagel. You know, the green kind they only serve on St. Patrick's Day. Ooooh, if only humans still used a barter system. He wonders how many bagels he could get for his brother.
"You guys thought I was going to help you!" She starts laughing hysterically, and falls on the ground, pounding the floor with a fist. "You guys are good. Whoa, I haven't laughed that hard since . . . we'll for a couple of hours. Since I say Shindou-kun go CHHHHEEEESSSSEEE-OOOOHHH!" Then she starts laughing even harder.
"You're such bitch, Talia." Draco pouts. Unfortunately Talia is wearing her Anti-Pout charm and the pout bounces of her and hits David in the face.
"Draacccooo," David drools and starts reaching out for him. "I loooovvveee you!"
Draco's face is a mask of horror (and some doubt . . . who knows, David looks like a good ki—friend. A good friend. Yes that's it. Innocent thoughts.)
"Go Talia!" She pumps her fist in the air and congratulates herself. "You've proved them all wrong! You're not a perv!"
"You've made David fall in love with Draco," Sirius says simply.
"Your point?" Talia raises an eyebrow and Sirius backs off (figuratively because they're all still in that pile).
"Nevermind. I love you."
"Good." With another POOF Talia is gone and Marco has made Jake cry again.
"So, are we going with Tonk's plan or not!" Neville demands, starting to get the slightest bit annoyed (with everyone else AND the fact he's barely in this chapter).
"FINE! God. If you're going to whine about it," Harry almost pouts but Rachel smacks him before he can unleash the wrath of the pout again. Harry's head hits the dirt ground limply and Ginny gasps.
"You. Hurt. Harry! NO ONE DOES THAT! IT'S LIKE AN UNSPOKEN RULE! ANYONE WHO HURT THE OH SO VIRTUOUS HARRY SUFFERS IN THE END!" Ginny stops sobbing just to say that, then resumes. Everyone in turn continues to ignore her.
"Okay. Let's do it," Rachel says, wincing at the reference she just made to herself. She curses Talia for being a 'corndog' because every other word she would have used to describe Talia would have upped that carefully chosen K+ rating.
So they think and they think and they think and they think until they can think no more! Or at least until they get tired of David trying to grab Draco and of Ginny's hiccupping cries.
"I've got it, yo—I mean, I've got it!" Hermione cries. They've all gotten up (finally), so they crowd around her. "The thing ghetto people hate the most is . . . death metal!"
They shake their heads, and sigh in disappointment. "No, you see," Marco points out, "they're the offspring of Reagan and being the devil, she loves death metal. Anyone else have an idea?"
"What about . . . Animal Farm?" They all ponder for a little while. . . then decide otherwise. Animal Farm seems too tame to bring fear into the hearts of those terrifying creatures.
I've got it! Tobias cries. They fear anime the most! Or better yet, cute little chibified anime characters talking in their original Japanese!
"But where will we get anime?" Hermione cries back, her arms wriggling comically. Talia giggles up in her seat in the sky. A chip misses her mouth and falls on Elfangor.
Bye, bye, Elfangor.
"Oops," she whispers, and POOF replaces him with a cardboard cutout of an anime character (Ichigo, if anyone's interested). No one notices.
"From God! Because he is a merciful lord!" Sirius starts singing like an angel (or just going Ahhhhhhhh, which describes it better).
"No! From Marlon Brando! He must be here somewhere!" They start walking, and they travel far and wide in search of Marlon Brando. Sometimes they feel they can hear him, reciting his old lines from Broadway, but he's always just out of their grasp.
DAMN HIM! Tobias screams and flutters down to the ground—defeated. We'll never find him!
"Yes, we will, Tobias! We can't ever give up! Giving up is like admitting that ice cream isn't good and that Guns N' Roses doesn't kick ass!" Rachel holds him in her arms and they walk on.
Then they give up and just ask an afro on the ground.
The afro pauses in its silence to grunt at them.
"Do you have an anime with someone getting chibified in it or not, oh Great Afro!" Marco screams at it.
"I'm not an afro, damn it! I'm a person." They then realize the afro was attached to someone. They move on.
Then an angel, dressed in a blonde braided wig and a red coat with an alchemy sign on his back, hands them a DVD. "Take it and leave this side of the Internet ALONE!" (A MILLION POINT FOR WHOEVER CAN NAME THAT ANIME CHARACTER!)
And so they spend many sleepless nights getting back to where Luna, Ron, Fred and George are 'chillaxing.'
Suddenly the Empowerment Wicca Guards that have been with them the whole time take a portable TV and DVD player out of their pockets and Draco and David (who are now officially a couple) pop in the DVD.
As soon as the DVD starts playing, the infected are attracted by it. Rachel moans as she becomes infected as well. "Oohh, diis be lookiin mad good!"
And then one of the characters becomes chibified and says "Are you calling me short like a speck of dust you can't even see with a magnifying glass?" Then they all are no long infected by the ghetto disease.
YAY!
So they all go home. Because Talia decides she must continue writing her other fics or else the reviewers will get angry and start chewing on her arm. Which she needs for typing. And drawing. And holding her book as she reads.
But before they can all go home and Harry can defeat Voldemort, and Rachel can die, and Tobias can be angst-filled, and the Empowerment Wicca Guards can be empowering, Reagan appears once last time.
"THIS IS NOT THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF ME, TALIA! MARK MY WORDS!" Then she turns into a little butterfly (not a Bleach reference) and flutters away. Talia throws a shoe at the butterfly and it hits the ground with a SMACK.
Ow.
Too bad the devil can't be killed by a shoe. So Talia throws a horse on it. Unfortunately, the devil wasn't killed that either.
And then a pillow doesn't kill it. Nor does a Build-A-Bear. Or a packet of M and Ms.
Damn it.
She really will come back. Talia was hoping she was just trying to sound cool.
There should be a law.
FIN.
