Disclaimer- Unfortunately, Fox owns Family Guy (lucky batards). This story, though, is

mine, and can't be used by anyone without my permission.

CHAPTER 1- "DAMN!"

At the Griffin home, Stewie was receiving 'consoling' from his teddy bear, Rupert,

after his latest failed attempt on Lois's life.

"I don't know how the deuce she does it Rupert!" Stewie began shrilly, "How does

one get hyper active after fifteen pounds of rat poison in their Kool-Aid! It defies all

logic of man!

Rupert stared blankly with his button eyes, while the maniacal toddler looked at him

with anger and hate forming in his animated eyes.

"What the hell do you mean 'sugar'! You mean to tell me I gave you all of that rat

poison and you gave it to that crotch licking dog for sugar and then spiked Lois's drink

with it?"

Rupert still looked at Stewie vacantly but he stared indignantly at his furry associate

while screeching at the same time,

"DAMN! I spent six hours on E-Bay bidding for that againest RangerBoy26… You

know Rupert? Who would name their e-mail 'RangerBoy26' anyway?

His bear looked on as his owner went into a rant.

"Oh I see? You're trying to change the subject and get out of punishment, aren't you?

Hahaha! Such a clever bear! I do believe my intellect is rubbing off on you! In that case, I

premit you to look at my newest invention that is sure to kill that red-headed woman!"

Stewie took his teddy bear by the arm into the home. Coming from the house's side

was Brian, a dog who's wit was as dry as the martini's he drank. At his side was a bag

of rat poison. He dug a hole in the yard and buried it as he stared where Stewie was and

smiled.

"Sorry kid, but Lois makes really good apple pie and quite frankly, I don't know what

her secret ingredient is."

Inside, the Griffin's were having a 'normal' breakfast.

"Mom!" complained Meg, "Lardo ate all of my eggs!"

"I'm not Lardo!" said her brother Chris, "And besides, I'm a growing boy, right

Dad?"

Peter Griffin looked at his son replying matter-of-factly

"Course you are my blubber boy!"

"Peta! Don't talk to him like that!" said his wife Lois, "and Chris, don't eat your

sister's food, you have your own!"

Chris stared at his stomach growling and whined pitifully to his mother,

"but I had to give my eggs to the evil monkey in my closet or he'd move under my

bed!"

His family laughed at his statement as Peter replied,

"Mehehehe! Evil monkey, oh man, whats next?"

As his family resumed their meal, Chris turned behind him and saw a brown monkey.

It pointed it's finger at him and showed it's teeth while it's eye twitched evilly. Chris's

face whitened as he quickly turned back to the table.

Just then, Stewie and Brian came in and like usual, they were arguing.

"… One hundred and fifty dollars!" Stewie was saying in his English tone,

"That was enough to buy two of you, not that having one is good to begin with!"

Brian retaliated with a quick threat, "If you had killed her, who would tuck you in

at night, who would babysit you, who would change your diapers?"

"The fat man, Megan, and Damn it all your right so lets leave it at that shall we?"

Stewie looked at his highchair then to Lois, then back to the highchair as he remarked,

"Ahhh… Not going to hit a growth spurt soon, so… GET ME IN THE DAMN

CHAIR WOMAN!"

Lois, who had been talking to Peter about the electric bill, gave Stewie an

exasperated look.

"Stewie, you already ate, and I'm talking to Daddy about important matters!"

"Yeah," said Peter, "Why don't you watch Barney or something little guy!"

"I should beat you both with a rail.." muttered Stewie

"What sweetie?" said Lois

"Um… I said I was getting the mail!"

Stewie walked to the front door and hit the closet in anger. It swung open to

reveal a disheveled Barney tied to a chair with his eyes taped open to watch his own

crappy shows, being driven insane with "Hhhey hhhey hhhey kids!" every few minutes.

Stewie opened the mailbox and was thinking of incoherent curses and words that

all meant "I hate Lois" while he sorted through the mail.

"Lois, Lois, Lois, Fat man, Lois, Fat man, Current Resident…"

A small package dropped from the mailbox. Stewie lifted it and read the name

printed on the front,

To Stewart G. Griffin.