Hello, dear friends, young and old. I am here to tell you all of a tale. A quite idiotic and meaningless tale that you will find yourself falling asleep right in the middle of and waking up to wonder why you have been wasting all your precious time sitting in front of a glowing box while maybe even permanently damaging your eyes, but nonetheless, a tale. Now, this story begins in the midst of a quiet and peaceful Senjoku Jidai evening. Our heroes, Inuyasha the foul-mouthed, half-dog demon, Miroku the perverted houshi with a Kazaana cursed unto his right hand, Sango the beautiful and powerful demon exterminator, and Kagome the young, teenage schoolgirl from the "future" who has no real talent-
[ Kagome: Hey!
Onigiri: Hi, how ya doin'? =33 ]
-are all gathering around a small campfire, eating their curry and chow mein (Kagome had brought Chinese take-out from her time earlier that day). Now, at this moment, darling readers, you may be pondering to yourself, "Why does this somehow remind me of Little Miss Muffet??", but don't despair, for there is now spider in this story.
At that moment, a gimungus demon arachnid rises out from the nearby bushes, screeching in such a high pitch that is almost unbearable to the ears while spreading its large, dragon-like wings out away from its hairy body. It then races towards the gang, the latter just noticing its presence, eyes widening in fear.
Heheh. Well, no one ever said a narrator had to be perfect. . .
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The Kazaana SUCKS!
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by yours truly,
Onigiri in a Sailor Uniform
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o0o-Chapter One-o0o
Hello!
I cannot answer the phone right now, for I am currently inside a monk's hand.
Please leave a message after the tone.
(beeeeeeeeeep)
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The first to actually react to the monstrous creature, Miroku quickly jumped to his feet and grabbed a firm hold of the beads around his right hand. "Too easy!" he shouted with a smirk, but brows still furrowed in concentration. "I can take this bugger out with one shot! You guys just stand. . . . .BACK!!!!!" At that second, he whipped off the violet glove around his hand and before you could say "Inuyasha loves Kagome", the demon was sucked straight into the gaping void with only one last, piercing cry echoing throughout the silent woods.
"Wow!!" Kagome and Sango breathed, eyes all a glittery and sparkling with their hands clasped together.
Glaring, Inuyasha turned his head to the side and spat, "Big deal. So he squashed some stupid bug. I could do the same thing with my eyes open and hands scratching my back."
"Huh?" The two girls looked at him and cocked an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"
"Uh. . .um. . ." the hanyou bishie stuttered, darting his eyes around for an answer. ". . .Th-Thank you???"
Sango was now even more confused than ever and Kagome leaned towards the dog-eared boy with her eyes half-circle-cat-eyes and mumbled, "Inuyasha, that only works in commercials and that commercial's not even shown in the Feudal Era or anywhere in Japan, anyway."
"Oh. . .right."
The black-haired schoolgirl slapped herself and slowly ran her hand down her face while grumbling something about "not fair. . . .the only one able to get away with one-liners like 'feh'. . . .short attention-span. . . .end up working at McDonald's. . . .why am I talking to myself anyway?. . . .and they thought therapy would help. . .".
"You know. . ." Kagome's and Sango's eyes widened at Inuyasha's voice and they quickly turned to look at him with questioning looks. Crossing his arms and staring out at the direction toward the monk, he continued, "I've always wondered. . .when a demon or monster gets sucked into Miroku's Wind Tunnel. . .what the hell do you think it's like in there?"
"Well, of course you do," Sango suddenly interrupted. "You have to wonder that in order for the plot to unfold. Otherwise there'd be no point for the authoress to write the fic in the first place."
Inuyasha stared at the kunoichi with a blank look. "What's a. . .'fic'?"
"It's short for 'fanfiction'," she explained in a matter-of-fact way. "It's like. . .a story that. . .well people write them and. . .ugh, let me just show you an example!" Sango then whipped out a small stack of papers and shoved them in the hanyou's face. He carefully took them into his own hands. . . .slowly scanned the words over. . . .and, suddenly, his eyes became so wide they nearly popped out of his head. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!?!?! I TURN INTO A GIRL!?!?!?!?!"
"Eheheh. Well, you see. . ." With a small sweatdrop, Sango took the papers back from Inuyasha's shaking hands and put them into that secret compartment all cartoon characters have which can hold an infinite amount of things inside. "Some fanfiction writers have very creative minds and whenever their fingers touch that keyboard, anything can go, so. . ."
"Woah. . ." Kagome whispered with pupils turned to dots as she stared down at another set of papers she somehow sneaked from Sango.
"What? What does it say?" Inuyasha asked the girl curiously. Sango then suddenly got right up in his face, putting on a fake smile while frantically waving her hands in front of her face, the sweatdrop growing larger.
"Oh, uh, you don't want to read that fanfic, Inuyasha. It's really just boring and it would just be a wasted of time. . ."
The hanyou just pushed her aside and took the papers from Kagome, who still stared down at her now empty hands in a state of complete and utter shock. "I just wanna read the first page. . ." he said, looking down at the paper. His jaw then immediately fell to the floor.
. . .One. . .
. . .Two. . .
. . .Three. . .
"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!!!??????????"
Birds scattered to the winds. Sango began waving her hands even faster, stuttering out meaningless dribble while trying in vain to calm the raging dog-demon down. And Kagome just kept staring at those hands.
"ME AN' MIROKU!!!???" Inuyasha shouted with his face bright red. "HOW CAN THEY WRITE SUCH DISGUSTING SHIT!!!???"
"Hey. . ." Kagome suddenly said. "Where's Shippo. . .?"
"Huh?" Inuyasha and Sango both looked at her in unison.
"Shippo?" the hanyou then repeated, stressing the word as if it created a bad taste in his mouth. "Why the hell do you need that little runt?"
"Because, silly willy billy!" Kagome exclaimed. "We need him to be with us or he won't get sucked into Miroku's Kazaana and then the plot would be completely messed up!"
"Okay, okay, OKAY!" Inuyasha said quickly. "Just go get the pipsqueak already and don't talk about the plots or fanfics or anything anymore!" He then mumbled to himself, "Seriously, I think that slash fic scarred me for life. . ."
So no more than a second later, Kagome was off to find Shippo-chan and then, after making sure that the teenager was out of earshot, Sango leaned towards the silver-haired hanyou with a sly smile and whispered, "I don't know why you're so upset about it, Inuyasha. I think it was kinda cute how you slipped Miroku the tongue and-"
BAM!!!
With a huge lump on the side of her head, the demon exterminator wobbled around in a crooked circle, her eyes swirling. Inuyasha cracked his neck and massaged his right shoulder.
"Hiya, guys!"
The two turned to the sudden voice, which turned out to come from Shippo who was comfortably sitting himself on the top of Kagome's raven-colored head.
"What's up?" the chibi kitsune asked with a kawaii, little smile. At this question, Inuyasha and Sango looked up towards the sky, checking every blue and white space for what Shippo wanted them to find.
"I-I don't see anything. . ."
"Hmmm. . ."
Kagome sweatdropped and Shippo looked down at her. "Kagome, what are they doing? I thought you said people in your time always say that?"
"Heh."
"Heyyyy! You guyyyys!" came Miroku's voice suddenly from a short distance away.
Everyone looked at each other in unison, then nodded and ran over to the monk.
"What's u- Ow! Why did you pinch me, Kagome. . .??"
"Did you need something, Miroku?" Sango asked after a few whines from Shippo.
The monk smiled back at her. "I was thinking I could cook you all a special dinner tonight!"
The other four's heads all tilted to the side. "Hi-keh?"
Spying on them from behind the bushes, Hamtaro glared at them all.
"Um, but Miroku. . ." Kagome trailed off.
". . .we just ate dinner," Inuyasha finished.
"OOF!"
Sango suddenly elbowed them both in the stomach, then gave them a look, mouthing the word "plot". Inuyasha and Kagome immediately shut up.
"Sounds great!" Sango exclaimed with a smile, pushing her elbows further into the two's jiggly tummies. "B-But it would be far to much work to make all that food on your own. Let us help!"
"Hmmm. . ." Miroku looked doubtful.
"P-Please??"
"Well. . ." he started. "I was planning on making fried tuna over roasted pickles covered in soy sauce. . ."
Kagome and Inuyasha nearly puked as Sango forced a smile and said, "O-Oh! Well, w-we could chop the pickles! Right, guys???" She gave the hanyou and schoolgirl another "look" and the two nodded vigorously.
"O-Oh, yeah."
"Sounds great."
"We'd love to."
"Sounds great."
"It'll be our pleasure."
"Sounds great."
Sango smiled in satisfaction and released her elbows.
(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)(scene break)
"Well, the pickles are all chopped!" Sango exclaimed with a wide smile as she, Inuyasha, and Kagome walked into the kitchen part of the hut they had made, each of them holding a small bowl of long, cold, slimy, smelly, wriggling, green things. Yes, they were moving. One of them had even managed to wiggle out of the bowl and crawl up Inuyasha's arm, the silver-haired dog-demon shuddering like crazy.
"Good, good," Miroku said, returning the smile. "Just pour them into this bowl-"He pointed to a large, brown bowl sitting on the counter in front of him. "-and then I'll mix in the other ingredients."
Sango nodded, took all three pickle-bowls and the small pickle on Inuyasha's shoulder (he let out a huge sigh of relief at this, as he had just noticed the pickle had tiny, little fangs) and did as Miroku instructed. Then, the violet-haired monk took out an electric mixer and stirred all the ingredients together, small gurgles of pain escaping the pickles as their bodies were ripped apart.
Inuyasha, Sango, and Kagome gagged (Shippo was still sniffling over that pinch).
"Uh-oh," Miroku suddenly said, the whirring of the mixer abruptly coming to a stop.
"Wh-What's wrong?" Kagome and Sango asked in unison. Inuyasha got ready to unsheathe Tetsusaiga. Shippo sobbed.
"N-Nothing. My glove. . .it's just caught in the mixer, that all. . ." The monk's hands fumbled around, the mixer going on and off every once in awhile. "I-If I can just-"
SHOOM!!!
The violet glove suddenly flew off his hand, and before you could say "Go to Hell, Kikyo", Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, and Shippo felt themselves being pulled into a swirling vortex. . . . .
[ end chapter one ]
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o/n:
Hiya, guys! I hope you all enjoyed my newest fic!! Please R&R with comments and constructive critism, douzo, onegai shimasu!! :)
NEXT CHAPTER – Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, and Shippo discover that they have been sucked into the Kazaana. Now they must go on an adventure through the mysterious place to escape, but with hunger getting at everyone's nerves and Kagome slowly losing her sanity, they soon realise that the Kazaana SUCKS!
StAy TuNeD
PS: If you think the rating should be higher due to language, tell me, ne? =3
