Welcome one and all to the last chapter of Ring The Bells, The Witch Is Dead! I hope you all enjoy this!
I would like to thank Queen of the Insects, Smiley-chan, mango smoothies, Khlover, and Lack Thereof for their lovely reviews. Thank you!
This fic was inspired by a picture by the lovely naito-chi of deviantART (http/ naito-chi. deviantart. com)the picture itself is at http/ www. deviantart. com/ deviation/ 12704734/ Just wanted to give credit where creadit is due :) You have to take out the spaces, though
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, yadda yadda yadda
Kairi (or at least, Kairi's corpse) was standing in front of them, her hands on her hips. Her skin had started rotting away and peeling. Her clothes, and her in general, were covered with a thick layer of dirt and grime. Her hair was ragged, and the back of her head was stained with blood.
Sora and Riku sprang apart in surprise. After all, the rotting corpse of a former friend staring angrily at you was not an everyday occurrence. Or at least, one could hope.
Sora grabbed on to Riku's shirt. "Riku... I see dead people..." (1)
Riku wasn't as surprised by the appearance of Kairi as Sora was. He had somehow known that this was too good to be true, and that Kairi would come and SCREW IT ALL UP.
"You're cheating on me a week after I died?"
Riku came to his senses first, and stood up in anger. "Look who's talking! You were cheating on Sora a week before you died."
Sora stood up also, he hid behind Riku and clutched the back of his shirt tightly "What's going on, Riku? Is this some kind of joke?"
"Believe me, Sora. My jokes are funny."
Kairi teetered towards them on unsteady legs, and the boys stepped back. She pointed an angry, decaying finger at them.
"First, I get bashed over the head with what felt like a shovel, then I wake up to find myself underground, and then, when I finally manage to claw my way out, I come here to find my boyfriend smooching my best friend!"
Riku narrowed his eyes. "You were never my best friend. Infact, I hate you!" It was now Riku's turn to point, and Kairi's turn to step back. "Infact, I think that you're a-" Riku looked her over, "dirty-haired bimbo!"
Kairi gasped. "Well, you know, I was only gonna eat Sora's and my killers' brains, but just for that, I'll eat yours, too!"
"Oh, big deal. You would have eaten them anyway," Riku grumbled. Two pairs of eyes immediately focused him.
Kairi lunged at them with a scream that sounded like "you will die," but the sheer volume of it slurred the words together, so really, she could have been yelling anything. Riku grabbed Sora's hand and yanked him out of the way. He ran across the bridge to the door to the stairs, dragging Sora after him. Kairi screamed in anger, and started limping slowly after them. Apparently the time she had spent underground had weakened her limbs.
Once they got to the door, Riku fumbled with the doorknob, giving Sora a breather. The younger boy kept frantically looking from his ex-girlfriend to his new boyfriend. Finally the shock of the situation drained away enough for him to ask the Question.
"Riku," he began quietly, "you killed Kairi?" he asked, his voice escalating. "How could you?"
Riku suddenly yanked Sora's hand, pulling him down to the floor. The place where Sora's head was a moment ago, a thick butcher knife vibrated in the wood.
"Do you feel sorry for her now?" asked Riku angrily.
"Well... no..." Sora felt a little badly for his words. "I didn't know that she could throw so well..." Sora commented vaguely as he watched Riku struggle with the door.
"Most importantly, where did she get that knife?"
Sora looked it over, as he was a bit calmer now. Yes, Kairi was a zombie, and, yes, she was trying to kill them. But, being a zombie, she was very slow. In fact, Kairi was only half way across the bridge, and it seemed that it would take her another half-hour to reach them.
"I think it's yours, Riku."
Riku let go of the door and leaned in to look more closely at the knife. His name was clearly written on the handle in permanent ink.
"You're right! It is my butcher knife!" Apparently Riku spent a little too long inspecting the knife, because a moment later, a second steak knife was stuck in the wood, only an inch away from the silver-haired head. Riku jerked away from the knife in shock. This one also had his name written on it.
"Oh, for the love of-" Riku yanked the knives out of the wall, and then with a frustrated sigh, kicked the door open. A broken shovel lay on the stairs, it had apparently been propping the door closed. He motioned for Sora to follow him, then ran down the stairs. The boys heard Kairi's angry yell behind them.
They jogged lightly away from the angry girl.
"Say, Riku. Why do you have two butcher knives?"
Riku turned to Sora. "You know, to butcher things," he said with a grin.
Sora refrained from commenting on Riku's total lack of tact. "Let's get off this island," he said instead.
They ran towards the small pier, but when they got to the dock they found that the boat that they came in had multiple holes in it.
There was a rumble of thunder, and it started to rain. Sora shivered as the cold drops soaked through his shirt. He looked up and saw Kairi -slowly but surely- advancing on them. He tugged on Riku's shirt to direct his attention onto the zombie.
"Riku..." he said warningly.
"...C'mon," his friend replied. He ran past the dock and up the little wooden walkway to the platform where Tidus liked to work on his sword-fighting skills (not that he had any).
"Now what do we do?" asked Sora skeptically. In front of them was a steep drop into the ocean, on their left and right was rock, and behind them was Kairi.
"Now we jump," said Riku, if a little uncertainly.
"Wha-?" began Sora, but Riku put both knives in one hand, grabbed the front of Sora's shirt in the other, and jumped off the platform into the ocean, pulling Sora in with him. They hit the water with a large splash, and Sora managed to perform an award-winning belly flop. Once they both surfaced, Sora smacked Riku over the head. "That hurt, you idiot!"
Riku only shrugged in return. They looked up to see Kairi glaring down at them from the platform. She seemed uncertain as to whether she should jump.
She pointed at them menacingly. "I'm gonna get you!" and then she made her decision. She jumped.
Riku cursed softly and with much creativity. "Let's get away from here," he said to Sora, and began swimming away from where Kairi was. They swam as fast as they could to the other side of the island, the only sound was the pitter-patter of rain on the surface of the ocean.
Riku and Sora finally reached the beach where their raft had once stood. Sora looked around cautiously. "What are we going to do?"
"Well... how are you supposed to kill zombies?"
"I don't know how to kill a zombie!" exclaimed Sora, throwing his hands up into the air.
"Alright, what do you have in your pockets?" asked Riku after a moment. Sora rummaged about in the large pockets of his equally large red shorts.
"... A toothpick, a peppermint, some floss, my mom's business card, the key to my desk, a pencil sharpener, a small box of wax, a packet of sugar, a pen, a handkerchief, a check, a small bottle of shampoo..." they heard soft splashes slowly getting louder.
"So, in other words, nothing that we can use," said Riku hurriedly, he also started emptying out his pockets. "I got a two knives obviously, a lighter, film, a pair of sunglasses, seven condoms-"
"WHAT?" yelled Sora in outrage. "Just what were you expecting, Riku?"
Riku scoffed. "I know better then to expect anything from you, you prude. These are really old, I bet they're not even safe anymore."
"I am not a prude!" The rain got stronger.
Riku laughed. "I wouldn't risk trying anything on you before getting you really drunk-" he broke off. "I've got it!"
"Got what?" asked the clueless Sora.
"I figured out how to kill Kairi!" Riku paused, "...again..." he added reluctantly.
"I'm gonna eat your brains! Just... wait till I get there! I'll- I'll eat your brains!" Kairi yelled at them from the water. Sora glanced at her. She was moving faster now. Apparently the water had the same effect on her joints as oil on rusty door hinges.
Riku grabbed Sora's hand and led him into the small cave to the left of the beach. To Sora's great surprise, Riku lifted away a dark cloth to reveal a crate.
"This is my secret stash," said Riku with a grin. The crate was half full with bottles of quality vodka. Riku glanced out to see how far away the zombie was. Then he handed the two steak knives to Sora, and picked up the crate himself. "C'mon," he said to his smaller friend. By now Sora decided to refrain from asking questions, but simply resigned himself to never take any drink from Riku ever again.
They ran back out to the beach, jumped across the wooden platforms, entered the wooden door, and emerged where they started: facing the small island with the paopu tree growing on it. They heard Kairi's vague frustrated yells from the other side of the island.
"What are we gonna do?" asked Sora before sitting down. Riku set down the crate of alcohol and threw a bunch of condoms at Sora.
"Fill these up with vodka," he said before opening a bottle and doing the same. Sora looked at the small packages in his lap in doubt before reaching for a bottle. Soon all seven of the condoms were filled.
"Tell me why we did that, please," asked Sora with exhaustion in his voice.
"Well," Riku replied merrily, "now we've got Vodka-baloons!"
Sora sat down on the sand with a sigh. "And what exactly will that achieve?"
Riku threw a 'balloon' at the ground near Sora and it burst, spraying the sand with alcohol. Sora wrinkled his nose and scooted away from the rubbery remains of the condom. Riku nodded with satisfaction.
"Here's the plan," said Riku. "Since I'm a nice guy and since I know that you'll make it up to me later," Riku winked at Sora who choose to ignore him, "I volunteer to be the bait."
Sora sat up. "The bait? What do we need bait for?"
"To lure her here, of course." Riku acted as if those words were self-evident. Sora acted as if those words had kicked him in the face.
"EH? Why would you want to lure her here? I thought that we were trying to get away from her?"
Riku blinked. "I thought that we were trying to get rid of her?" Sora choose this moment to stand back up. "They're the same thing, really. Almost…" continued Riku.
Sora rubbed his nose. "Alright. What's the rest of the plan?"
"Well… How good's her sense of smell, do you think?"
Kairi finally wandered through the door some time later. For the entire fifteen minutes Sora and Riku waited, filled with anxiety. Riku was standing under the wooden bridge, checking once again to see if a watch had miraculously appeared on his wrist. It hadn't.
He looked up as he heard the door open. "There you are!" screeched the evil zombie. "Well, I'm gonna get you now!" Kairi hobbled towards them, her arms stretched out before her in the stereotypical way that zombies usually stretched out their arms in stereotypical horror movies about zombies.
Riku waited patiently, while slowly and unnoticeably –to Kairi at least- slipping his hand into his pocket.
"Yeah! Nothing's gonna save you now!" she exclaimed again.
"That very well may be," began Riku. And then a number of things happened in quick succession. Kairi lunged. Riku quickly jumped back to avoid her, but overbalanced and fell over onto his backside.
"SORA! NOW!" Riku yelled. Sora leaned over the edge of the bridge above them. Riku attempted to crawl away from Kairi. Kairi reached over and grabbed his ankle. Sora threw the vodka-balloons at Kairi, and each hit their mark. As soon as Riku felt the strong smell of the stuff reach his nose, he grinned and withdrew his hand from his pocket. Kairi's eyes widened in surprise as he uncapped the lid of his lighter. With a flick of his thumb there was a flame dancing on the top of the lighter, and then it was dancing on top of Kairi, as well. Riku pushed her under the bridge, away from the rain, pulled his ankle out of her grasp, and stepped back. And then he told her to burn in a not-very-nice place. Sora came down from the bridge and went to stand by Riku.
They watched Kairi burn calmly. Well, she wasn't calm, she was screaming. Sora and Riku were calm. The latter put his arm around the former.
"I still don't see why we had to fill up those condoms," said Sora after a moment. "In my opinion we could have just thrown the bottles at her."
"Well, we could have, but they might not have broken."
"And I suppose you know this from experience?"
"Why yes, I do." Sora handed Riku a bottle, who uncorked it and went to pour its contents over the blaze that was Kairi. The fire burned brighter.
"You know, I suddenly have a craving for potatoes," said Sora wistfully.
"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum," replied Riku.
"Haven't you had enough alcohol for one day?"
"Not really, no."
They stood in silence for a few more moments. Kairi had finally stopped screaming, and was now being peacefully reduced to a pile of ashes.
"Well, that's that," said Riku.
Kairi chose this moment to stand up and lurch at them. Really, the reason that she had stopped screaming was the fact that the remains of her vocal chords had burned away. Sora squealed like a little girl and poked Kairi in the eye with his pen. She shrieked silently and the two boys stumbled away from her. She tried to get up, but found that she couldn't. She tried to crawl after them by grabbing at the ground, but the sand provided no leverage. Instead she clawed at the air in their general direction uselessly.
"Okay, now what?" asked Sora.
"Nothing," replied his silver-haired friend.
"What do you mean 'nothing'!" asked Sora in outrage. "There is a zombie lying on the ground in front of us!" he said, enunciating every word with extreme care.
"Well, she's not chasing us, is she?"
"So what? Suppose someone came here and found her? How would we explain that?"
Riku shrugged noncommittally. "She can't blame us for anything, she's apparently mute."
Sora seemed uncertain. "Let's at least burn her some more…"
Kairi's already disfigured face formed into an even more disfiguring grimace of anger. She started clawing at the ground more actively, and even managed to crawl and inch or so forward.
"It won't do any good with her lying in the rain like that. We'll have to move her back under the bridge, and I'm not too keen on the idea of touching her," Riku said.
"Who ever said we have to touch her?" asked Sora, "Really, Riku. For someone with all the bright ideas, you're kinda disappointing." Riku scowled in response. "Riku, give me your shirt," Sora continued.
"WHAT? Why do we have to use my shirt?"
"Because you're the big macho man. Now come on, give me your shirt," Sora held out his hand to Riku.
"But I like this shirt," whined Riku as he peeled his wet shirt off of his equally wet body. Sora took it and carefully wrapped it around the remains of Kairi's foot, then used it to pull Kairi back under the bridge.
"C'mon," he said to Riku once he was done, "pour the stuff over her, and light it." Riku did as he was told sulkingly. They once again watched Kairi burn. They sat down. They watched her burn some more. Riku checked his wrist again, but the watch refused to appear.
Finally Kairi was just a large pile of slightly damp ashes.
"I think we should bury her proper, this time," said Sora.
"You mean, in a box?" asked Riku.
"Sure, do you have a box lying around, somewhere?"
"Why yes, I do."
They gathered up the ashes and put them in an old shoebox that Riku brought out from the small shack the housed the stairs. And then they picked up the box and carried it to the secret place. Riku dug a deeper hole then last time with the remains of the shovel as Sora sat alternatively watching the box and watching Riku sweat as he dug. Once Riku was done, Sora placed the shoebox into the hole, and then helped fill it back in. They spent a little time patting the sand down, making it seem as thouh it had never been disturbed. They stood over the unmarked grave.
"I suppose we should say a few words," said Sora after a moment.
"Erm," began Riku, "Kairi was always very nice to animals."
Sora nodded approvingly. "Yes, yes, that's good. Um… she always gave very thoughtful gifts, and…"
Sora paused, thinking. Riku patted his short friend on the back. "I'm sure that that's enough," he said.
"Yeah," replied Sora. They left the secret place and stood in the rain.
Sora leaned on Riku's side and the two gazed at each other lovingly. After all, nothing brings two people together quite like defeating a zombie.
"You know," said Sora, "we still have no way to get home. She destroyed our boat."
Riku grinned. "Don't worry, I have a secret stash of blankets in the club house. I'm sure someone will come to find us in the morning."
"Yeah," said Sora with a distant smile, "in the morning…"
(1) This is (sort of) funny by itself in a sort of outdated way. When i was in fourth or fifth grade my friends would always joke about that (I never saw the movie, myself). The reason that this is extra funny is because a friend told me that Sora's voice was done by the boy from the sixth sense. I guess that it's a small world after all!
What is it with Riku and his secret stashes, eh? Well, this is the rather cheerful end. For all you perverts out there, you can rest assured in the knowledge that they get it on like rabid bunnies. For all you innocents out there (of which I'm sure that there's only one), you can rest assured in the knowledge that nothing at all naughty happens between two teenage boys. The end was rather anti-climatic. I tried to make it less anti-climatic, and so it's around three thousand words long. Yeah, I think I'll try to write shorter chapters from now on. The lengthy authors notes don't really help, either.
Well… Review, please!
