Traditional Recipes for Disaster

by Ithiliel Silverquill and Erestor

Disclaimer: Neither of us own Lord of the Rings or anything pertaining to it.


CHAPTER SEVEN

Erestor.

I run my finger along the rim of my teacup. I do not consider myself to be very talented, but I know how to make plans, and so a plan for revenge is something I can handle. Whether or not I will include Glorfindel as a victim or an accomplice, I have yet to decide. But for now, I will concentrate on Lindir. "Meretheryn is a very good cook."

Glorfindel lifts an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with anything? I mean, yes, she is, but…?"

I lift my teacup and take a slow sip, letting the cool of the mint and the warmth of the tea mingle in my mouth. Nothing is quite as soothing and calming as my favorite tea, brewed to perfection. This will help me think, instead of simply fume and be sarcastic. "Lindir is very fond of her cooking."

Glorfindel has a strange expression on his face, as if he is confused and trying not to show it. "We all are."

I lift one of the flakemeal biscuits from the plate and take a bite. "I have never known Meretheryn to make a mistake in her cooking, have you?"

"No." He swirls around the vanilla tea in his cup. "What are you thinking?"

Far more than you can guess, Glorfindel. "That although it is unlikely that Meretheryn will ever truly make a mistake with a dish, it might be possible to talk her into making one at the formal banquet tonight."

Glorfindel pops a flakemeal biscuit in his mouth and then promptly chokes on it. "What?" he says as soon as he starts breathing again. Then he looks around and lowers his voice. "You want to poison him? Erestor, I know you're upset, and rightfully so, but… isn't that a bit much?"

I take another sip of tea. "Regardless of what is obviously your opinion of me, I am neither a calculating, cold-blooded killer nor an idiot." I finish the other half of my biscuit. "He does not have to die, exactly, but it would serve both him and Lord Elrond right if Lindir spent a few weeks in the healing chambers." I lift an eyebrow at Glorfindel, a smile starting to creep across my face. "Do you agree?"

Glorfindel looks impressed. "Did you have anything particular in mind? I can't think of any herb that would make someone insane."

I think deeply, pondering and discarding ideas at a speed that I only reach when my attention is completely focused. My tea, the biscuits, and Glorfindel all seem miles away. Poison Lindir… he does not have to die, exactly, but he can suffer… it should not be obvious that he was poisoned… it should look like an accident, or even better, as if it is entirely Lindir's fault…

"Does Lindir have an over-fondness for miruvor?" I finally ask.

Obviously Glorfindel did not follow my chain of thought, based on the blank look he gives me, but he answers anyway. "I don't think he does."

I grin. "Perfect."

Glorfindel looks at me as if I am the one going mad. "Do you mind explaining?"

I drain my teacup and set it off to the side. "All we have to do is talk Meretheryn into slipping a bit of extra 'spice' into Lindir's drink… that should not be too difficult. The herbs' effects should be similar to the effects of intoxication. Since everyone at the banquet—other than the visitors, of course—knows that Lindir is not a drunkard, then the only explanation for his babbling and blubbering will be that he has simply gone mad. Lord Elrond will have a patient, and Lindir will have the most miserable month of his life." I sit back in my chair. "What do you think?"

Glorfindel blinks for a full minute before taking a deep breath and raising both eyebrows. "Well… that would do it," he says weakly. "Are you sure that there is such a recipe?"

"There is. Nolendil mentioned in his book that such a trick was used to have a stuffy ambassador in Lindon dismissed from his office. They slipped the crushed herbs into his drink, and an hour later he was standing in his chair, belting out all manner of things that should never have been said, with a slurred voice and glassy eyes. It was highly effective on the king, and the ambassador was quite mortified when he recovered and learned of his behavior. I think this would be just the thing for our nosy, manipulative harpist."

Glorfindel laughs. "Remind me to never get on your bad side, Erestor."

You already are, Glorfindel. "Well, you wanted a plan for revenge."

"And that certainly is one." He takes another flakemeal biscuit. "So, how would we go about finding the herbs?"

"I think I left Nolendil of Sirion in the conference room, so I will fetch it and look up the recipe. Do you think you could find some way to distract Lord Elrond from his store of healing herbs long enough for me to get what I need?"

He lifts an eyebrow. "Actually, it would look suspicious if I distracted him. Perhaps I can find someone to help us."

We are interrupted by a familiar voice. "Someone to help you, Lord Glorfindel?"

Both of us look up like trapped animals. We were so intent on our conversation that neither of us noticed that someone else was listening.

"L-Lady Celebrían," sputters Glorfindel as soon as he regains his power of speech. "How nice to see you."

She lifts one delicate silver eyebrow. "I thought I overheard something about poisoning someone. Would the two of you mind explaining your plot?"

Glorfindel and I look at one another, feeling beaten, and reluctantly Glorfindel explains everything. He does not get all of the details exactly as I explained them to him, but it does not matter. Now that Celebrían knows our plan, we can hardly put it into action. And this after she complained that my bickering with Glorfindel was a bad influence on her children… Valar, she must think that I am completely horrible!

When he is finished, she gives each of us a long, piercing look. "I never thought the two of you were so devious."

Glorfindel blinks innocently, in a poor imitation of Lindir. "It was Erestor's idea. The plan, I mean."

Yes, of course, Glorfindel. Blame the advisor.

Celebrían looks over at me and then suddenly smiles. "It reminds me of something that I might have done to my father's captains, before I married Elrond." She pulls up a chair. "I think I can help you."

The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. "You, milady?"

"Yes, me," she answers. "What Lindir did is wrong, and I've been waiting for a chance like this ever since I found out that he was responsible for that rumor about Elrond."

Glorfindel looks shocked. "Lindir did that? I didn't think even he would stoop that low."

I frown. "What rumor?"

Celebrían huffs. "Don't make me repeat it."

Glorfindel gives me a devious smile. "I'll tell you later."

"But that has nothing to do with this," says Celebrían, waving away Glorfindel's comment. "If we work together, then we can get this done. I can distract Elrond for you both, long enough for Erestor to get the recipe and herbs. Glorfindel, you can charm anyone into doing anything, so you can convince Meretheryn to poison Lindir's drink. We can meet in the kitchens in an hour, and by the banquet tonight, Lindir will regret ever toying with us."

Glorfindel stares for a few moments before returning her a sly grin. "As you wish, milady."

"But Lady Celebrían," I interrupt, suddenly feeling as if everything has gone completely out of control. "You want to help us get revenge on Lindir and Lord Elrond? Why would you do that?"

She smiles. "Well, for one thing, I have a score of my own to settle with Lindir, and this should be much more effective than a simple correction. Also, it will keep Elrond happy, because I know he likes to feel that his healing skills are actually helping someone."

I slowly shake my head in disbelief. This is surreal. By the time that all of this is over, I might be the one spending a year or so in the healing chambers for insanity.

Glorfindel.

Well, this has been a most enlightening afternoon. Erestor's moods have been changing at an alarming rate: he rants at me, then sides with me (I hope), then looks horrified when Celebrían discovers his plot for poisoning Lindir, and now is simply staring at Celebrían and I as if we were insane. We are insane. We must be.

I think it's a good thing that Celebrían has volunteered to help us. Surprising, though... And Lindir, well, he has no idea what's in for him. I'm beginning to feel sorry for– No, I'm not sorry. It will serve him right. He won't try his tricks on Erestor and me again.

This conversation has made several things clear to me. One: Erestor still hates me. Or else vaguely hinting comes naturally to him and his smug expression when I looked confused was completely coincidental. Two: I am definitely on dangerous territory, because if Erestor does begin thinking up a revenge on me, I'm doomed. I'll have to keep him distracted as best I can. Three: I need to get my hands on this Nolendil book. It's beginning to sound very interesting.

All right. I am charming. I am going to talk Meretheryn into poisoning – into drugging Lindir. Should be easy. I expect that all good cooks love the thought of poi– drugging people.

I look at the plate that once held flakemeal biscuits. I seem to have polished them off during Erestor's plotting. This is as good an excuse as any to go wandering into the kitchen. I grab the dish and head in Meretheryn's direction.

Meretheryn is kneading bread, and her hands are covered in flour. When she sees me, she gives me a quick smile, and tells me were to put the plate. I volunteer to wash it for her, but to my relief she says I needn't. Then I turn to her, wondering how in Arda I'm supposed to ask her to drug Lindir. Erestor apparently thinks she'll be willing to do it. When he said 'All we have to do is talk Meretheryn into slipping a bit of extra 'spice' into Lindir's drink… that should not be too difficult' was he saying that it would not be difficult for her to drug him, or it would not be difficult for me to talk her into doing it?

I hate it when Erestor is vague.

To my surprise, Meretheryn speaks first. "Lord Glorfindel," she says, "may I ask what happened to Lord Erestor? You said he had a shock."

"Um... well, yes. He had a shock," I say. "Several shocks, actually."

"What sort of shocks?" Meretheryn folds the bread over and over again, looking very professional.

"It's a long story." Glorfindel's Highly Creative Delaying Tactics Strike Again.

"I was wondering if he is going to be all right."

"He will be fine." I decide to tell her what happened, as it might help her understand my unusual request. " You see, Lord Elrond told him to find a book with me, and Erestor doesn't like me much, so he has not had a pleasant afternoon. And now he just found out that there was no such book in the first place. It came as a great shock."

Meretheryn almost looks reassured. Then she says, "But he had several shocks?"

I take a deep breath, and then say, as quickly as possible, "He also found out that I'd been sneaking through his bedroom. And that Lord Elrond thought our bickering was a bad influence on his children. And he isn't feeling very well." I lower my voice to a whisper, "Meretheryn, have you ever seen Lord Erestor demonstrate signs of... mental instability?"

Meretheryn looks really worried now. I don't think my confession helped much. We look at each other for a moment. And then I cleverly make matters worse by saying, "Could you help us poison Lindir?"

Her mouth drops open. I had hoped that if I asked her while she was still reeling from the first batch of information, she'd be less likely to object. Now I see that this was not a good idea.

"Poison him?" she gasps.

"He was very nosy and has been giving poor Erestor a hard time," I say. At the moment, I am not feeling sorry for the conniving advisor, but it would help if I at least looked sorry for him. "And we don't want to exactly poison Lindir, we want to drug him."

"Drug him? And why were you sneaking through Lord Erestor's bedroom? And what did you mean by 'mental instability'?" demands Meretheryn.

It takes a long time to tell Meretheryn the whole story, but I manage it. She was worried about Erestor, and she promises not to tell anyone about what happened this afternoon. The story finished, I ask her again if she would drug Lindir.

Her mouth twitches a little, and I can see that she's trying not to smile. "Lord Glorfindel, with respect, it sounds as if you should be the one to get drugged."

"I know," I say contritely. "I've been behaving badly. But please don't drug me!"

"I won't, never fear" says Meretheryn, grinning. "If Lord Erestor decides to poison you next, he'll have to do it himself."

"Thanks for that reassuring remark," I retort. "So you'll help us?" I look at her with big, blue eyes. Meretheryn knows what I'm doing though, and she just chuckles.

"I'll help you," she says. "Lindir has been very annoying of late."

Does Lindir know he's surrounded by enemies? I'd be very paranoid, were I him.

I fairly skip out of the kitchen. Everything is going surprisingly well! I wonder if Erestor has been able to get the herbs while Celebrían distracts Lord Elrond. I'm sure he's had no difficulties. If he were caught in the act, what would he say? "Glorfindel made me do it"?

Poor Erestor. Everyone's so mean to him. It's never his fault. He steals people's pens and then looks terrified when they come to reclaim him. He thinks up horrible plots for drugging harpists, and then looks guilty when Celebrían catches him at it. He seems to want to please everyone, except for me. He just wants me dead.

Why? What have I done? I avoid him most of the time! I don't seek him out and torment him. He obviously thinks that I'm the nasty, wicked Elf who's out to make his life miserable. I'm trying to prove otherwise, that I can be nice to him, and he's making it very difficult.

I'll have to be careful. He probably will try poisoning me.

TBC