Not Dead Still Standing

Chapter Nine-

A/N: Trying something a little different this chapter. It's gonna be from Buffy's POV. Tell me what ya' think.

You know that feeling when you first wake up, and you're lying in bed, warm and content, and everything seems perfect? Your mind isn't focused on how you're going to pay the water bill or how you have a million teenagers living in your house that you have to look over. Well, you know…whichever one applies to you. But in that one moment where you just focus on the good stuff? And everything's okay? This is one of those moments.

I opened my eyes and saw Dawn's sleeping face about five or six inches away from my own. I notice she look's so much younger when she's asleep. She's been so grown-up lately; it's nice to see she's still just my little sister. I notice her multicolored blanket –the one I keep telling her to throw away because it's worn away to nothing- is covering us. Hmm. I get out of bed slowly, making sure not to wake up Dawn. It was dark outside and the house was quiet. I look at the Orlando Bloom clock on Dawn's wall. 11 o'clock.

I knew he would be awake, so I wasn't surprised when I saw Spike sitting on his cot when I snuck down to the basement. He had an old, leatherback book in his hands and was reading, despite the fact that there were only a few candles lighting the room.
"Hey." I say quietly. Apparently his vamp senses weren't in full kick because he looked startled when he say me, and set down his book.
"Hey."
I walk over and sit by him on the cot, taking the book. "Call Of The Wild?"
"Yeah. Dawn borrowed it from Giles for school, she left it down here. Guess I got nothin' better to do."
"Have you ever read it before?"
He gave a small snicker. "'Course. 've read a lot in my time. Comes from a century of nothing and a love for literature I guess."
It amazed me how much everything had changed. Five years ago Spike was trying to kill me and the hating of each other was strong and mutual. That Spike was tough, or seemed to be. Now he just opening admitted he loves books. Things have changed. Spike has changed. But for the better?
"Wow. So, you've probably read like…everything."
"Maybe not everything. But there are a few choice favorites I've read so many times I could quote them."
"Really, like what?"
He was quiet for a moment. "Then the liars and swearers are fools; for there are liars and swearers enow to beat the honest men and hang them up."
I guess my confusion showed on my face because he answered my thoughts.
"It's Macbeth. Always been a favorite o' mine."
I smiled at him and put my hand on his.
"Buffy…" he sighed. "I think we should talk."
That doesn't sound good.
"About what?"
"Us."
Yeah, defiantly not good.
"Us?"
"This-us, it's been happening really fast…"
"Okay, please tell me your not about to say we should slow down because coming from you-well, it would lead to violence."
He laughed. "No, that's not what I'm saying. It's just…are you here with me?"
I looked him in the eye. "I am." I leaned in and kissed him, when I pulled back he was frowning.
"Is that a bad thing?" I sound like a schoolgirl talking to the quarterback.
"No, no. Just…I'm still not sure that I'm not just gonna wake up again, and all of this will have been nothing."
And we're back to the insecurities. "Spike…I know things are confusing right now, but we have to move on. I can't keep going on like this, I need you to be you, and not…William."
He gave me a confused look.
"It's not that he's bad or anything-I mean he's not. He's good. That's my point."
"So…you want me to be…evil?"
"No! But…what happened to the Spike I knew before…before the soul?"
And just like that, Spike's confused look turned to anger. In a matter of seconds I had lost him again.
-if you've got something to say…
-Just said it, if you keep holding back you might as well walk out that door.
-Holding back? You're blind. I've been here, right in it, fighting…scrapping…
-Since you got your soul?
-Well, as a matter of fact I haven't been quite relishing the kill the way I used to.
-You were a better fighter then.
-I did this for you! The soul, the changes…it's what you wanted!
-What I want is the Spike that's dangerous, the Spike that tried to kill me when we first met.
-Oh you don't know how close you are to bringing him back.
-I'm nowhere near him.
Their own voices rang throughout the room.
"What the hell was that?" Spike snapped, clearly as confused as me.
"I don't know."
He started walking up the stairs.
"Spike, where are you going?"
"Out." He snapped back, leaving the basement.
God, why can't we just get this right!
I ran up the stairs and through the back door, rounding my way around to the front. He was nowhere in sight. Damn…he must have ran as soon as he got out of the house. Not a good sign.

When I walked in memories flooded my mind.
You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? Maybe
if you had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make
yourself feel better with a round of Kick The Spike.

But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but ... after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again ... do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways ... (softly) Every night I save you.

I can't love you, I'm just being weak and selfish…and it's killing me. I have to be strong. I'm sorry…William.

He left. Town. I'm surprised he didn't tell you. He kind of left in a hurry, I guess.) Sure I can't get you something? I've got Bugles and, uh, liverwurst...

Me and Spike have been through hell and back, and this place triggered all of those memories. Everything looks pretty much the same, I mean there are a few changes. Well, just one…there's a lot of food wrappers and trash on the floor. Clem's most likely. Yep.
Spike's crypt. How long will I keep calling it that? He hasn't lived here in months. Will it always be Spike's crypt? Will I always think of this cemetery as Spike's territory? Great, more unanswered questions.
One thing's clear, Spike's not here.
As if the fates heard her, Spike came barging in the crypt, and when he saw her stopped in surprise. "Bollocks."
"Spike…look, about what I said I didn't…"
"Don't say you didn't mean it, 'cause you did. We both now it. We were both there, hell, we were both there twice."
"About that…"
"Look Slayer, I don't know why we're here, or why I saw what I saw, or whatever. I'm not sure if it's gonna happen, or if it has happened. But all I know is that if we were given a second chance…it's not to go through the same steps."
"I know that!" I say quickly so he can't interrupt me again. "And I also know that things are different. Different from anything we've ever gone through, be we are still doing the same dance. We go back and fourth between being insecure to being in arguments! There is another way, we just haven't found it yet." I pause for a second, knowing my eyes are filled with tears, I look at the cold pavement below my feet. "I need to know you're with me in this."
When I look up his expression has completely changed. His soft, loving eyes are staring at me when he takes me into his arms. He kisses my forehead and whispers into my ear. "I'm with you, I'm in it. It's you and me, pet."

I didn't expect what happened next, I was lost in his embrace, I never saw it coming. Before I could blink there were demons surrounding us on all sides, and more filing in through the door at lightning speed. What's going on? I can hear them start to chant as me and Spike turn to face them. He's already in game face, growling at the intruders, one arm still around me. I could feel my heartbeat quicken, but I knew I wasn't afraid. An adrenaline rush came through me and my slayer senses came alert. I almost wanted this fight. Always the Slayer. I kicked at one, but as he fell, another one just took his place. There chanting got louder, I'm not sure when. Maybe it had been this loud and I hadn't noticed, but now it was almost numbing. These demons…these demons. These demons that looked just like all the others. The ones that try to kill me, they all blend together. These scabby, pasty little demons, who are really starting to Piss. Me. Off!
Time I show them what a Slayer can do when…Uh oh. I feel myself weaken, and everything seems to get lighter, darker. I'm dizzy, everything starts to spin. I look over at Spike, -who's now several feet away-, he doesn't look so good either. I fall to the ground and hit my head on the concrete. Trying to look for him-which is hard because I now have blood dripping into my eye from where I hit my head- I see Spike fall too.
And the last thing I see before everything gets dark is the mass of demons getting closer, and closer.

"Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell."
---Jason Jordan