This story is on two chapters. I'm only posting the first one today, to see what you all think of it. This story, in its entirety, contains: self-harm (nothing graphic), homophobia, a little bit of swearing (naughty Spencer!), and basically, lots of bad things happen to Tala. Contrary to how it may seem, the ending IS happy!


Tala had always been a rebel. As a toddler he had spat out the food he didn't want to eat, had kicked and screamed when he was taken to places he didn't like. When he got a little older, he was just as bad; things he didn't like would be treat to a glare, or he would turn his head and put his nose in the air, a mark of disapproval. Even as a teenager he was rebellious- he was always the one who had things he wasn't supposed to, tried the first alcohol, smoked the first cigarette.

Tala had always been a rebel, so it was unsettling to his friends when one day he just...stopped. He became quiet and reserved, not offering an opinion, not responding to any kind of provocation. While Ian tried to cajole Tala out of the depression he seemed to be suffering from, Bryan watched him from the other side of the room.

They were staying in an expensive hotel, and if they'd chosen to they could have had separate rooms, but after having spent so many years together they'd decided to just get one big room with four beds. Bryan was currently sitting on the bed he'd claimed, the one closest to the window. Tala and Ian were sitting in front of the TV, and Spencer was in the shower, singing loudly (and badly).

Tala was lying on the floor, not really interested in the TV programme. Bryan shared his disinterest- only Ian could have found interest in watching 'The Greatest Tea-Cup Fortunes Ever Made'. As far as Bryan could tell it involved gypsies, lots of tea, and rich businessmen. But still...Tala usually feigned interest in the things the others watched, if only to be sociable.

It had been two days since Tala had started acting strangely. Two days, and Bryan hadn't really spoken to him at all. It seemed pointless to enquire after his state of mind when Spencer and Ian had already tried and been refused. His eyes flicked over Tala's body. He wasn't lying strangely; there was nothing wrong with him physically, at least not visibly. His odd silences were starting to worry Bryan; -he- was the surly one, not Tala!

He looked over Tala once more and noticed that he was wearing an old t-shirt and scruffy jeans. Strange, because Tala usually liked to dress well, but perhaps not as strange as the expression on Tala's face. It was a mixture of loneliness and sadness, but something else entirely at the same time. Suddenly, as if sensing that he was being watched, Tala sat up, turning. His eyes locked with Bryan's, and he opened his mouth to speak. Bryan shook his head, then jerked it back, inviting Tala to come and sit by him.

Tala did so, and Bryan looked at him appraisingly. There were dark circles under his eyes- had he been sleeping properly? Obviously not. Whispering, so as not to distract Ian from the TV, he spoke. "Tala...what's wrong with you?"

"Wrong?" Whispered back Tala. He blinked, and fiddled with his nails for a while before replying. "Nothing."

"Then why are you acting so differently? None of us are stupid, Tala. What's going on?" Tala's eyes darted around nervously, then he leaned close to Bryan and cupped a hand around the other boy's ear, whispering into it. "My brother's died." He drew back, looking sad once again. Bryan frowned. Tala had a brother? He had never known... "Don't tell." He shook his head.

"Older or younger?"

"Older. Quite a lot older. He looked after me for a bit...before I came to the abbey."

"Why didn't you say anything before?" Tala looked down at the floor.

"I...didn't think you'd want to know." Bryan nibbled on his lip for a second, then stood up.

"Follow me out to the reception in ten minutes." Tala nodded, glad that Bryan understood that he didn't want to talk about it with the others around.


Tala appeared by the counter eleven minutes later exactly, and Bryan was waiting for him. They wandered into the bar and to a table in the corner, sitting down silently. After a while, Bryan reached over the highly polished pine and touched Tala's arm. "Tala...why did you think we wouldn't want to know?" Bryan watched as Tala hung his head, eyes fixed on the table top.

"I...just didn't think you would care...sort of..."

"Didn't think we would care!" A few people in the near vicinity turned to stare. Bryan lowered his voice and continued. "Tala, how could you think we wouldn't care? -I- definitely care!" Tala sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Tala..."

"Do you really care?" Tala sounded as if he didn't really believe it.

"Of course I care!" Bryan stood up and went round to the other side of the table, sitting down next to Tala and laying an arm around his shoulder. Tala sniffed and wiped his eyes again. Bryan tightened his hold, pulling the redhead flush up against himself and leaning his head against Tala's, mingling the colours of their hair. "What was he called?"

"Dimitri." Tala whispered.

"How old was he?"

"Twenty six. He was...ten years older than me. He's my half brother really, but I never knew my father, and my mother...died. When I was eight. So Dimitri looked after me for a couple of years, till I went to the abbey. I haven't seen him since I was...twelve? Thirteen? I don't even know. They sent me a letter a couple of days ago. It came just before we came here..."

Bryan suddenly remembered. He remembered seeing Tala looking through the post, opening a letter absently, and then practically running out of the room. He hadn't asked about it...maybe it would have been better if it had. "Tala..." Tala dropped his head again and Bryan saw a tiny spot of wet appear on the table top. Bryan stroked Tala's hair gently, saddened by Tala's loss and his lack of trust. "Maybe we should go for a walk outside?" Bryan suggested. Tala nodded, unable to open his mouth to speak. He let Bryan pull him up and lead him outside. The hotel had extensive grounds, and so it wasn't hard to find a bench somewhere out of the way.

They sat down. Bryan still unable to think of anything worth saying. He slipped an arm around Tala's waist. Somehow, that tiny action made Tala crack. He suddenly burst into a flood of tears and shifted, burying his face in Bryan's collar. "Tala..." Tala clutched at him, shaking with sobs. Bryan held him for a second longer then pulled Tala onto his lap. "Tala, do you want to talk about it all?"

"I'm n-never going to see him again, Bryan! He was the only family I had left! Okay, m-maybe I didn't see him often, but he was still -there-!"

"I won't pretend to know how it feels...but I'm here, Tala. I'm here for you."

"When I was eight...when I was older even, and still now...he's one of the only people who's ever really loved me...he was my big brother, he looked after me, he played with me, and I loved him! It's not...it's not fair!" Bryan sighed.

"Tala, why didn't you -say- anything?"

"B-Because..."

"You didn't think we'd care?" Tala nodded, still crying. Bryan held him tighter. "Tala, we care, all of us care. Why do you think Ian's spent all night trying to cheer you up?"

"Bryan..."

"Tala...it's not just about Dimitri, is it?" Tala swallowed and then nodded. "Tala, what is it?"

"I...I..." Tala sat back, then pulled up his t-shirt. Bryan gasped, horrified, and reached out to touch the mass of scars that stood out lividly on Tala's stomach. Some of them were still smudged with blood...they looked deep, and painful... Tala tugged down his t-shirt again and stood up. Bryan grabbed hold of his wrists and pulled him down again. "Tala...what...what the hell is going on?" Tala closed his eyes and relaxed, slumping against Bryan weakly.

"I'm in trouble, Bryan..."

"Tala..."

"I started...and I can't stop...and I feel so alone, Bryan...so...s-so alone..."

"Tala...how-? Why-?" Bryan floundered for words, suddenly out of his depth. He held Tala tighter, instantly protective of his friend. "Tala..." It was just too much. Tala was cutting himself? His brother had died? How many more secrets were there? "Tala, -why-?"

"I...I..." Tala snivelled and pressed his face into Bryan's neck. "I'm gay..."

"You are?" Bryan was puzzled. What did that have to do with anything? Tala nodded slightly. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought...S-Spencer always says...gays are disgusting...I was scared...scared he'd hate me..."

"Is that why you didn't say anything about Dimitri? You thought we would be angry at you for telling us?"

"Bryan...I..." Tala gave a choked sob and clung to Bryan. "I've told you so many lies..."

"Lies?" Bryan suddenly realised that he was totally in over his head...but Tala needed help, and he knew that at the moment he was the only person who could give it.

"Well...not lies...but there's so much I haven't told you..." Tala curled up on Bryan's lap, wailing. "Dimitri...cutting...the...the other thing...and...Bryan...I..." Tala curled his hand in Bryan's hair. "I'm in love with you..." He whispered, sniffing. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."

"Tala... Bryan's arms tightened possessively. "You...love me?"

"I'm sorry..." Tala whispered, shivering despite the warmth of the night.

"You were...scared to tell me?" Tala nodded, still hiding his face on Bryan's neck and collar. "I'm not...angry...or anything."

"Y-You're n-n-not?" Stuttered Tala.

"No." Tala sat up, tears shimmering on his face. He looked into Bryan's eyes, not daring to believe it was true.

"D-Do you mean it?"

"Tala, why are you scared of me? I've been your friend for years...don't you trust me?" Tala looked horrified.

"Of course I do! B-But...when Spencer said...I couldn't tell you...I thought you might hate me...I th-thought I would lose you..."

"Tala...I'd never do anything like that. I'm not like Spencer. Tala...it's okay..."

"Do you promise?" Tala's voice was barely a whisper.

"I promise." Tala breathed a laughing sigh of relief and wound his arms around Bryan's neck. "Tala...is that why you've been being funny these last two days? You were already hiding so much and the news about Dimitri just...pushed you too far?" Tala sniffed.

"When you say it like that...I suppose...it is..." There was a short pause. "Dimitri was gay too. He understood, when I was thirteen and I told him. I remember...it was the last time I saw him...he said that as long as I was happy, it didn't matter if people knew or not...but I'm not happy, Bryan...I couldn't-couldn't say anything to you all...and it was so hard keeping it a secret..."

"But Tala...why did you-?" Bryan dug his hand between them and felt Tala's stomach. Tala winced and gave a small gasp of pain. Bryan pushed him back slightly and saw that the front of the t-shirt was wet with lines of blood. "You were...you did that...you were in the bathroom before Spencer, weren't you? Were you-?"

"I'm sorry!" Gasped Tala. His arms folded around his stomach, hiding it. "I'm sorry!" He was sitting so far back on Bryan's knees that the sudden movement made him start to fall backwards. Bryan caught him by the arms and pulled him back up again. Tala was trembling, so much that Bryan could hardly keep hold of him. "Tala, it's okay." Bryan pried Tala's arms away from his stomach gently. "It's okay." He tried to lift up the t-shirt to look, but Tala pushed his hands away.

"No! It's okay, they'll stop bleeding!" He seemed desperate to not make Bryan angry, but he was only making him more worried.

"Tala, please. I'm not angry. Just...show me." Tala took hold of one of Bryan's hands and slid it under his t-shirt. Bryan felt the wet skin beneath, gently pressing. "Tala...doesn't it hurt?"

"Of course it does..."

"But why? Why would you do something like that?"

"B-Because I couldn't...tell...I felt...lonely...it just made me feel...better..."

"Tala, you have to stop!" Bryan pulled his bloodied hand out from under the shirt and showed it to Tala. "You shouldn't...do this to yourself..."

"I..."

"Tala...I know I can't do anything about Dimitri, but...if you want to tell me anything, I won't be angry or anything like that."

"B-but no-one can know...you have to keep it a secret!"

"What?"

"All of it! You can't tell Spencer and Ian, you can't tell anyone!" Tala whispered, horrified of the thought of people knowing.

"Tala, you have to!" Tala put a hand over Bryan's mouth, shaking his head violently.

"You can't tell them! They'll hate me!" His other hand caressed Bryan's cheek tenderly. "Don't tell...don't...don't tell...please Bryan...please..." He begged. Bryan stroked Tala's stomach, his other arm around Tala's waist. Tala's hand moved up to Bryan's hair, feathering the pale strands through his fingers. "You're so beautiful, Bryan...don't make them hate me...don't tell them...please don't make them make me go away..."

"Tala...no-one's going to make you go away, no-one will hate you. You know people in the other teams who are gay- Lee, is, and Michael, even Rei is, and no-one does anything to them! It's okay to be gay, Tala. It's okay."

"But you...and Ian and Spencer..."

"Tala, keeping it a secret is making you -ill-. It's making you hurt yourself. If Spencer says anything that makes you hurt yourself any more I'll kill him! Same for Ian! But don't you think they'll want to know why you're being so different all of a sudden? I'd rather know than see you just...drifting around, being depressed."

"R-really?"

"Really. Tala...oh God, Tala...how didn't I notice?" Bryan pulled Tala closer, feeling guilty. He should have noticed. How had he never noticed all of this happening to Tala? Tala said he'd been gay since he was thirteen- three years... "Tala...how long...have you loved me?" Tala traced delicate fingers over Bryan's lips. "You were why...I first realised what I am...I suppose...I've loved you...longer than I've been gay...I mean...sometimes I would go out with g-guys...b-but they weren't you..." Bryan gazed into Tala's eyes as he was talking, and realised what Tala needed most of all. He stretched up his hands and took hold of Tala's shoulders, pulling him quickly closer and kissing him softly.

Tala stiffened, fingers tightening painfully in Bryan's hair. Bryan didn't break the kiss, just held Tala closer, draping his arms around Tala's neck and shoulders. Tala's grip slowly lessened and he started to kiss back, then pulled away suddenly. "Bryan...you're not just doing this because...you feel guilty...are you?" His eyes filled with tears. "I want to know. I'd rather know."

"Tala..." Bryan sighed. "God Tala...this is all so much...I don't know how I feel any more...I just want you to be okay...I don't want to let anyone hurt you..."

His legs were starting to go numb from having Tala sat on them, and he shifted. "It's cold. Should we go back inside?"

"Bryan...we're covered in blood...Ian and Spencer-"

"I don't care about Ian and Spencer. You're only wearing a t-shirt, Tala, you'll catch your death of cold out here, and you need to get cleaned up." He looked down at his hand. "So do I. Come on." Tala whimpered and shook his head.

"People will see...they can't see, Bryan!"

Bryan stood up, making Tala stand with him. He took off his jacket and held it out. "If you zip it up people won't notice the bloodstains. I'll put my hands in my pockets as well."

"But...Ian-"

"And Spencer, I know. Look, Tala, they don't matter at the minute. You do. Because you're in trouble. Please just let me try and help you. That's all I want to do..." Tala wavered, then tugged on the jacket, zipping it up firmly.

"What can I say to them? They'll want to know what happened to me...I know my eyes are all red, and I'm wearing -your- jacket!"

"Tala, stop worrying what people will think!" Bryan reached out and took hold of Tala's hand tightly, pulling him back towards the main entrance of the hotel. As they got closer, Tala started trembling. "They can't know...they'll hate me..." He stopped short in the middle of the path and refused to move another step.

"Tala, -please-! Tala, you're worrying me, please, just come inside! It doesn't matter what Ian and Spencer say, it doesn't matter what anyone says!" Tala shook his head stubbornly. Bryan felt like screaming or crying. Not only was he having to deal with all this truth that had been shot into him, but he had to deal with Tala in this emotional, terrified state. The bad thing was, he knew he was no good at it. "Tala, if you don't start walking I'm going to pick you up and -carry- you back upstairs."

Tala wrenched his hand away from Bryan's and turned, starting to run. Bryan did the only thing he could think of; he rugby tackled Tala to the floor, twisting so that he ended up sitting on Tala's thighs. "Get off me!" Tala hissed, suddenly irrationally angry. Bryan cursed inwardly. Tala was acting like a hormonal woman! Angry one second, crying the next...maybe next he would be happy...perhaps? "Tala..." Bryan leaned over, pinning Tala's arms above his head, and kissed him.

Confident after their first kiss, Tala was a lot more adventurous, slipping his tongue into Bryan's mouth and exploring it. The sensation of having Tala's tongue inside his mouth was almost enough to make Bryan melt right there and then. He could feel the love and passion that Tala was pushing into the kiss and kissed back in the same way. Soon he let go of Tala's arms and Tala latched them around his neck, yanking Bryan closer and closer until they were so tightly pressed it hurt.

However, when Tala gave a tiny gasp of pain Bryan realised- Tala's cuts...he would be pressing against them! He sat up quickly and laid a hand over Tala's stomach. Tala shook his head. "Doesn't matter." He whispered breathlessly. He tried to pull Bryan back down but he refused.

"Tala, come on. Please. You need to get those cleaned up, and it isn't doing either of us any good to sit on the floor." Tala looked away from him, tears gathering in his eyes. "Tala..." Bryan picked Tala up and hugged him. "Tala, please. Please, just come back inside. Don't worry about Ian or Spencer, worry about yourself."

Tala reluctantly allowed himself to be led back into the hotel, although as they walked through reception Bryan could feel him shaking. When they got inside the lift, they were joined by an intensely fat man who stared at Tala as if he were something off the bottom of his shoe. Bryan glared. He could almost feel Tala's resolve breaking. "What I hate about getting in lifts is that idiotic people stare at you." He said loudly, standing in between Tala and the man's glare. "Wouldn't you say so?" The man blushed and looked away, and Tala gave a nervous laugh.

The fat man got off at the next floor, leaving Bryan and Tala to travel up one more floor alone. Bryan pulled Tala along the corridor to their room, 412, and opened the door. Tala froze in the doorway.


I know I was mean to Tala, I know, and it'll get worse before it gets better…but it will get better, I promise! Anyway, please R&R and tell me what you thought.