Inu Yasha sat before the well pondering what he should do. His amber eyes bore in to the vine covered rock wall, while his mind ran a mile a minute, thinking of recent events. Had Shippou been present, the little kitsune would have had a grand time making fun of the dog demon's thoughtful expression. The little youkai would never willingly miss chance to annoy Inu Yasha and usually be clobbered in the process. However, Shippou and Miroku had left for a neighboring town hours ago upon realizing that Kagome and the hanyou's "discussion" would take forever to conclude. Only Sango and Kirara stayed behind to gather extra supplies and any juicy details from warring couple's argument.
The dog demon's left eye began to twitch as he thought of all the comments he would hear later on. The group never hesitated to give their advice and/ or badger the bewildered half demon about his relationship with Kagome, especially Miroku, who, in Inu Yasha's opinion, needed to take his own advice when it came to women. Shippou would probably call him all kinds of names, until Inu Yasha hit him and Sango would glare disapprovingly at him as usual.
"Kami-sama, this is just peachy. I don't need anyone's advice. I just want to be left alone."
"You will be alone if you continue to be a jackass…"
"How dare you… I mean me… I mean... Just who the hell are you!?"
"Stupid, this is your conscience. Something you refrain from using…"
"…"
"Baka… Just as I thought, if you used me more often, you and Kagome might just be getting along much better."
"It's too late now. She probably hates my guts." Inu Yasha sighed deeply as he thought Kagome. Thinking of her hating him, made the hanyou hurt deep down inside. "Half the time, I don't want to even argue. It's just when I open my mouth, I put my foot right in. The words just never come out right."
"Now that's an understatement."
"I mean, cut me some slack here. I have been alone most of my life. Everything is still new to me. Having friends, looking out for anyone other than myself, caring about someone… I am still not sure how to go about it. It's not really that easy…"
"It could be easy… only if you stop pushing people away."
Inu Yasha's brow furrowed as he chewed on that piece of information, "What do you mean I push people away! I do not…"
"Yes you do! BAKA!!! You hide behind anger. When you think someone is getting to close to finding out your true nature, you act like an asshole. You hardly ever say what you really feel. You let pride and fear rule your tongue. Stop being such a coward!"
"I am not a coward…" Inu Yasha's eyes glazed over with unshed tears, he was frustrated beyond belief, "What about Kikyo? I can't go on with something new knowing I haven't avenged her death. Naraku hurt Kikyo and I wasn't there to save her. I made a promise to her; a promise cannot be broken."
"What about Kagome? She loves you. Can you honestly deny that you have feelings for her? Why don't you just tell her the truth?"
"Kagome…" her name escaped his lips in a heartfelt sigh. How did he really feel about Kagome? Was he in love with her? Was she a replacement for Kikyo or something more than that? He already knew the answers and yet, he still questioned himself. His thoughts drifted to his current love triangle, "I never wanted to love her. From the moment I met her, I vowed to hate her guts. How could I not? I spent 50 years in limbo dreaming of revenge against Kikyo and woke up to find a Kikyo look-alike sprawled out in front of me. I guess life is funny like that. I didn't know what she would mean to me back then. She was clumsy, loud, bitchy, weird, and the reincarnation of Kikyo, my first love and executioner, to top it off. Yet, she was so different from the dead miko that there's now way I could mistake the two. Kikyo killed me. Kagome resurrected me. While they do share one soul, they are opposites.
In the beginning, I thought she was a weakling because I was trying to compare her to my first love. Kikyo was always so strong and in control. I never once saw her flustered. Kikyo had always been inverted, quiet and regal. Our moments together had always been in secret, our conversations quiet. Sometimes we would just embrace. I knew that she was as lonely as I was. There was always such sadness and desperation in her eyes when she came to me, as if she yearned for something she could not have. I gave her all the attention I could but in the end, she would push me away, shame and disgust evident in her features. She was ashamed of our love, only accepting me because I cared about who she was not what she was. The villagers revered her for being a powerful miko and the keeper of the Shikon no Tama. She dedicated her life to her people but yearned for love. I guess I gave her that. Still, she could not accept that I was half demon. Not that I blame her, I couldn't even accept myself. I was an outcast amongst humans and demons alike. I attached myself to Kikyo like a lovelorn pup hoping that we might be together forever. How naïve was I? How could anyone really love a half-breed? Kikyo wanted me to use the Shikon no Tama to become human so she could finally love me fully and be free of her duties as protector of the jewel. I almost did. If Naraku had not tricked Kikyo and me, we would have been together.
I really don't know if Kagome would ask me to become human. I am not even sure if it matters to her at all. I have never seen her cringe from me even when I'm at my worst. I could be a human, crazed youkai, or hanyou and she never backs down. We could be fighting the most intimidating foe and she will be right beside me even when I tell her to run. She is a baka… But I can't help but be amazed at her inner strength. I know I never say it aloud but I am. Her aura glows and becomes stronger with each day. She has this potential to be so powerful and yet she doesn't know it. I still wonder how in seven hells she managed to pull Tetsusaiga out when neither my brother nor I could do it. It has been many occasions where I could have met my maker and Kagome somehow saved the day, though I never admit it. I remember the day we fought Yura of the Demon Hair. I saw her strength then. She was so focused and determined to defeat Yura, despite the fact that we were both getting our ass kicked. And that time with Sesshoumaru… Kami-sama, how many times has Kagome almost lost her life trying to save mine? I don't even know.
The first day I met her even I tried to kill her. Well, not really kill her... I just wanted to rough her up a little to make her fork over the Shikon no Tama. I don't know if the prayer beads gave her confidence or just her trust in me, I can't really recall a time when Kagome looked at me with fear. When I transformed into a full youkai, I could sense the fear in her but it was not fear for her life. She feared for mine. She knew I would fight until I eventually destroyed myself and she was scared. Kami, she even tried to console me afterwards, after I mindlessly shed so much blood right before her eyes.
"I understand…" (Anime 52, Manga)
Kagome is so trusting and empathetic, no matter what form I may be in. I know now that I could never intentionally hurt her. I do it enough without trying. The words I say… the things I do; I know it hurts her but I can't help myself. I don't want her to love me because in the end I will probably hurt her the most. I made my vow to Kikyo and I refuse to break it. I know she understands that. Kagome has never really demanded that I stay away from Kikyo. She gets upset but she never says a thing, or at least tries not to. She is so much stronger than I am when it comes to emotions. She deserves more than I give her but, I won't let her be with anyone else. I can't help it. Thinking of someone other than me touching Kagome, holding her, protecting her, makes me crazy.
When that stupid prick Kouga comes around, I want to break his face. He has no right to be near her. He's too stupid to know how to handle the girl. What am in the seven hells am I saying! I am such a fucking hypocrite. I don't even know how to handle her. At least he has the balls to say how he feels about her.
Inu Yasha's amber stare was intense although he was looking at nothing in particular. His facial expression shifted every once in awhile depending on his thoughts. To an outsider it would seem that the dog demon was experiencing facial spasms, as his expressions shifted from stern, to irritated, and then softened. A hint of a smile would grace his lips and amber eyes would glow softly as if reliving some fond memory. His cheeks were starting to flush red as his thoughts began to wonder into uncharted and dangerous territory.
I don't want her to give her love to someone new. I want to be with her. I want to love Kagome. I dream about her at night and daydream about how it would feel to make her mine, how she would react to my touch. I know it's not right but that doesn't keep my imagination from running wild. Sometimes, I just wish I could go to her and take her in my arms the way I did before I tried to send her back to her world, except this time I would kiss her, run my hands through her hair and never let her go. The youkai blood in me boils when she is near.
Her scent drives me beyond what I can bear and yet somehow I manage to resist temptation. I cannot act on what I feel because I am scared that she may reject me or if we become too close, I will hurt her more in the end. It becomes harder each day to put aside my feelings for her. I believe that youkai in me chose Kagome, even though she is human. When I was a full-blooded demon and all I wanted to do was kill, my youkai blood recognized Kagome (*Manga 16, Chapter 157). It wanted to take her its right then and there. If I hadn't been fighting to control myself, I am sure I would have "attacked" the wench. Kami, that wouldn't have been a good situation. I can tell Kagome has never been with anyone. Her scent is too pure. I most likely would have torn her apart with the state of mind that I had back then. I still feel the animalistic need, I want her so badly sometimes that I am afraid to be near her.
Thinking about it some more, I also remember desiring Kikyo. I don't think what I feel for Kagome is the same as what I feel for Kikyo. I think the human side of me chose her first. My desire for her had not been as primal as it now is with Kagome. My Kikyo was too pure and untouchable. I wanted her love to cleanse me, to make me more than a dirty hanyou. I was willing to forsake my demon side to be with her. The dead miko was my first love because of this; I am reluctant to let go of her memory. I know I feel more than lust for Kagome though. I care about her a great deal. When she's close by, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach almost as if I swallowed butterflies. When she is by my side, I am stronger. I feel like I can take on the world.
The humanity in me causes turmoil in my heart because it loves the two of them. Go figure. My human emotions would have to include indecisiveness. I hate it. Am I wrong for loving them both? I mean... it's not that simple to choose between them. When Kikyo pinned me to the Goshinboku, I still loved her. I felt betrayed and hurt but my heart still cried out for her for fifty years. I had no time to come to terms with her death or our relationship because she was resurrected from the very earth she'd become part of half a century ago. If the Gods didn't enjoy plot twists, Kikyo would still be dead and I would have been able to love Kagome wholeheartedly instead of running back and forth between the two, making pledges of love to one and longing for the other. Thinking of it now, if things were simple would I have met Kagome? Would Kikyo have died at all? To think that I would never see her smiling face or smell her entrancing scent does not sit well with me. Could I have been complete without knowing she existed? I just can't imagine my life without her now. It's hard enough being without her when she goes home for a couple of days. I don't know what comes over me. It's like I feel empty and anxious. When I can't sense her presence or smell her anywhere near me, I get this growing sense of dread that at that moment, she needs me to protect her and I am not there. It's happened before. The first time the Noh mask of flesh attacked her in her time and I was sitting in Sengoku Jidai sulking.
I know that in time, I won't be able to be there for her anymore. Once this mission is done, I will be gone. No more adventures, no Sango, no Miroku, no Shippou, or Kirara… Sometimes, I hope this mission never ends just so I can be by Kagome's side. She said she would be there for me until the end but now I am not so sure. I treat her like shit a lot of the time. I wouldn't blame her if she got fed up and never came back. I can't help it. I get so fucking frustrated at my situation, knowing that I want to take her in my arms and tell her, no… show her what she does to me and also knowing that I can't say a word lest things become more complicated than it already is. I want to love her but instead, I choose to hurt her. Perhaps, it's all for the best to have this distance between us. She is from the future, a time I know nothing about. She has friends, family, and a life I know nothing about. In the end, she will go back there to stay. She knows that I haven't changed my mind about keeping my word to Kikyo. Kikyo… Though our circumstances now hold us apart, we will be together in death. I vowed to follow her to the underworld so that her soul can finally find peace. I must fulfill my promise or I will not be able to live happily knowing that I have dishonored both Kikyo's memory and myself. I mean even half-breeds have honor.
Inu Yasha's red clad shoulders slumped forward a bit as he came finally to a conclusion, a decision that cut him to his very soul. I know she chooses to stay but I love her too much to allow her to hurt herself because of me. There have been times when I almost didn't make it to save her. She could have died right before my eyes. I tried to keep her away. I honestly tried. I took the shards and pushed her into the well. She wasn't supposed to be able to return but when I was on my last leg, she came to me. She is like my guardian angel. She sees to me when I am injured, comforts me when I am conflicted, supports me when I am embattled, cries for me when I am endangered… She is there when I need her the most whether or not I admit it. But who is supposed to protect her? I am…and I do a shitty job.
So where does that leave Kagome and me? Nowhere… We can't have a future together, no matter how much I would want to. It just can't work. I am no good for her. She deserves someone who will never make her cry and will be by her side always. I can't be that one. Not in this lifetime. Still, I will protect her, even if it's from her own self.
His piercing amber eyes clouded over with unshed tears. He knew that he had to let Kagome go. He wasn't sure how he was going to go about it but it had to be done. He loved Kagome and was sure she shared those feelings although she never said it. He could see it in the way she looked at him, stuck by his side, and took care of him whether or not it was necessary. He remembered the day that she returned to him even after he physically barred her from Sengoku Jidai. He remembered the time she'd come back even after realizing that his feelings for Kikyo would not fade (*Vol. 18... chapter 176).
"May I be with you …?"
Inu Yasha's ears flattened against his silver mane, a lone tear trickled down his cheek before being roughly wiped away by the sleeve of his haori. "No Kagome… Gomen… It's the only way…" the hanyou's voice was rough with emotion. He sat up abruptly, securing the sheathed Tetsusaiga at his hip and sped off toward the village.
Airborne, his hot tears went unchecked, free to fly into wind. He ran and leaped with reckless abandon, willing himself to forget anything but the quest he had ahead of him: to defeat Naraku and complete the Shikon no Tama. He arrived at the village and headed straight for Kaede's hut knowing that Sango probably was there waiting.
***Back at the Village***
Kirara stood transformed and purring softly as Sango rubbed her back. The youkai had been in desperate need of grooming and the taiji-ya decided to stay behind to tend to her friend and companion. She bit down a little on her bottom lip as she spotted Inu Yasha's approach. Kagome was not with him and she knew exactly why. Inu Yasha... You idiot… Why can't you just be nice to Kagome-chan? You two always fight. I have half a mind to hit you over the head with Hiraikotsu for all the times that you make her cry. She loves you and you know that have feelings for her too.
Sango's thoughts ended as the half demon brushed by her. His face was shadowed by his silver bangs. She could feel that something was not quiet right and it worried her. Inu Yasha had not uttered a word or even acknowledged her presence. Usually, he would glare at her in the aftermath of a fight with Kagome, daring her to say anything so he could yell and let off some steam. His silence was unsettling and so she decided she would prompt him a bit.
"Did she say when she was coming back?" Sango asked almost nonchalantly as she placed some supplies on Kirara's back.
Inu Yasha visibly stiffened at the mention of the young miko's name but did not raise his head, "No, she didn't"
"She'll be back soon I'm sure…" Sango replied, becoming more worried at the inu hanyou's uncharacteristic quietness. "You know you shouldn't fight with her so much."
"Keh…" was Inu Yasha's only reply before entering the healer's home.
Sango stared after him perplexed, but decided not push her luck with too many questions. She would allow Miroku to do that; the houshi seemed to be more aggressive when conversing with the irate hanyou. He would find out what was wrong, even if he got a few bumps on the head in the process. Perhaps if Miroku found out what was wrong, he would tell the demon exterminator. I hope he doesn't try to grope me in the process… Sango's fist clenched almost out of habit and her right eyebrow twitched a bit. The houshi seemed to have habit of letting his hand wander at the most inappropriate times, not that there was a good time for grabbing on someone's extremities. Sango exhaled loudly, trying to shake her head clean of the monk who seemed to occupy her thoughts more and more nowadays. A small smile unconsciously tugged at her lips as she remembered how she and Miroku conversed earlier in the day. He'd been a perfect gentleman. That memory would stick with her always. Her smile faded as she came back to the present.
Inu Yasha and Kagome have been fighting way too much lately. If they keep this up, we will never be able to finish this mission. If only the two weren't so stubborn… Even Miroku and I managed to get our acts together a bit… though we are far from a perfect couple, not by a long shot. Sango shrugged off her thoughts and continued to tend to Kirara, who was shuffling a bit. The cat youkai seemingly picked up on the hanyou's negative vibes as well.
"Just let him sulk, Kirara. He'll snap out of it eventually, I hope."
Unbeknownst to the young demon exterminator, Inu Yasha heard her statement clearly from inside the hut. A growl erupted in his throat but he refrained from yelling. In truth, he had come to speak to Kaede about advice on the hunt for jewel shards. He was hoping that she could give him advice on how to better detect jewel shards without a miko being present. Upon entering her home, he realized Kaede was not there although her scent was strong in the air. He was not in the mood to track her down. In fact, he was not in the mood to do anything really except brood. He would not wait for the old healer knowing she would lecture him too.
I got enough to deal with as it is. Kaede ba-ba's chattering about what I should be doing when it concerns Kagome will do me no good now. I have made up my mind for the last time. No more debating or deliberating.
His eyes hardened to amber ice. Rigidly he turned and made his way out the door almost bumping into Kaede. So deep in his thoughts was he, that he had not even detected the old priestess' approach.
"Inu Yasha, ye seem to be having difficulties with Kagome. Do ye not remember? In the beginning I told ye two to work together. Together ye will defeat Naraku. Arguing and fighting will help ye little for time grows short."
"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah… Kaede ba-ba… I have heard this all before and with all this "time being short"; I don't have time to waste on lectures. I gotta' get goin' if you don't mind." He then turned to Sango who was trying her best to seem oblivious but failing, "Are you ready? Let's get the hell out of here."
"What about Kagome? Would it be wise to try and…." Sango's protest was cut short.
Inu Yasha dismissed her doubts with a growl, "She is where she belongs and we belong on the road, NOW. So, either you get a move on or meet me in the next village." He began walking off towards the woods, not looking back.
Sango huffed indignantly, "That boy… How rude can he get?!"
Kaede looked after the disappearing hanyou, "He has much conflict in his soul. Ye'd be better off not tempting him to anger. His attitude is a bit too volatile, I see."
Sango nodded in agreement and then mounted Kirara, taking to the skies.
"Ye need not worry about Kagome. When she returns, I will inform her of which way ye have headed," the healer yelled out Sango.
