Chapter 6
Tony died shortly after midnight. Everyone's grief was mixed with some sense of relief that the ordeal was over. Michelle lay on the bed with him, cradling him in her arms crying painfully.
"Jack," Kate said to him, "maybe you should take Michelle out of the bedroom."
"I agree," Chase chimed in, "this is too hard on her."
Jack shook his head adamantly. "No, she needs this time with him. Believe me, I know. I held Teri for a long time. Everybody tried to take her away from me. I needed that time. I needed to say goodbye in my own way. I knew when I was ready to let go."
Kim was nodding in agreement, her eyes filled with tears. She remembered clearly the night her mother died. She had sat on the floor with her father as he held her mother. They cried together and kissed her and said their goodbyes.
Jack was right. It was almost an hour before Michelle kissed Tony and laid him back against the pillow. She turned and started to get up. Jack reached out and helped her off the bed and held her while she calmed down.
A quiet memorial service was held in LA two days later for Tony's friends and former colleagues. Then Michelle and Tony's brothers flew to Chicago for a memorial service and burial. As much as she didn't want to, Michelle honored Tony's request to be buried in Chicago.
Two weeks later, Michelle finally returned to her job at Division. She was barely in the door when her secretary told her that Brad Hammond wanted to see her in his office.
Michelle knocked and waited for Brad to tell her to enter.
"I hear you need to see me," she said in an emotionless voice.
Brad hadn't seen her since Tony was shot and she took a leave of absence. He had talked to her a couple of times but knew that neither she nor Tony had any desire to see him. He was shocked by how tired she looked. She had always been thin but now was drawn and her complexion without any of the rosy glow that made her so attractive and appealing.
"Michelle, I can't imagine how hard the last couple of months have been for you. Again, I want to offer my condolences and those of all of our employees."
"Thank you," Michelle whispered trying to keep her emotions in check.
"We're happy to have you back at work. I need to talk to you about your current position. You've been deputy director here at Division for over a year now and your performance has been exemplary," he paused. "I know this is probably not the best time to ask you to make a decision, but it seems pointless to wait any longer. The position of CTU Director has remained vacant since Erin Driscoll was relieved of her command. We need to name a director, Michelle, and I would like to offer you the position."
Michelle was stunned. "Brad, I, uh, don't know what to say. I'm not prepared to give you an answer right now. I'll be honest with you; I'm having trouble deciding what to wear every day. I can't make this decision now."
"Michelle, I know this is sudden. I've discussed this with my superiors and we decided to allow the CTU Director's position to remain open until you got back from your leave of absence. There are several candidates, but you, by far, are the most qualified. You deserve this job, Michelle and I hope you'll take it. I don't need an answer right now, but I do need one in the next few days. So think it over. You know what the job entails better than most people. I think you'd do a wonderful job."
"I'll think about it, Brad, but it's not a job I ever aspired to."
"I don't believe that for a second, Michelle. I think you loved it when Tony was in that position and you were part of the inner workings of the department. I know you were part of virtually every decision he made. You may not have agreed with him, but you were there helping him weigh out the pros and cons. You want this job, Michelle and if I were offering it to you at any other point in your life, I think you would take it in a heartbeat."
Michelle spent the next couple of days thinking about Brad's offer. The more she thought about it, the more she knew that she wanted the job. She didn't want it for herself, she wanted it for Tony. She wanted him to see how much she had learned while watching him in that position. She wanted him to be proud of her.
Two weeks later her promotion was announced and she was sitting behind the huge desk in the loft office at CTU. She moved in quickly and dove into the work. There was plenty to do and she immersed herself in it, sometimes working sixteen hours a day. She knew that in fact she was working to avoid being alone. When she left work, she had to face the empty house.
Jack often called her in her office at 9 or 10 o'clock and told her to go home. He was worried about her. He knew what she was going though and empathized with her. Every couple of months when he was lucky enough to have business on the west coast, he would always make a detour to see her. He told everyone that he was going to see Kim, and of course, he did spend time with Kim, but he felt a special responsibility to check on Michelle. He promised Tony that he would take care of Michelle and he would never let Tony down.
At the same time that Jack was telling Michelle not to work so hard, he found himself spending more and more time at work. The time he now spent at work was time he used to spend with Audrey. Their relationship had changed since the terrorist attack. The day it happened, Audrey was talking about filing for divorce from her husband, Paul. Months later when Jack asked her if she still planned to file for divorce, she told him that she didn't know. She said that she was confused. Jack told her that he understood, even though he didn't. Soon they were spending less and less time together and when they were together, they didn't seem to be as happy. Over time, they stopped being intimate and eventually Audrey told Jack that she would like to be free to see Paul again. That, of course, would mean that he was free to date as well. They continued to see each other at work and went out to dinner or the theater on occasion. Jack knew that Audrey was still bothered by his relationship with Michelle. He assured her that they were only friends, close friends to be sure, but still just friends.
Months flew by and soon the first anniversary of Tony's death was approaching. Jack had the letter for Michelle that Tony had written tucked safely in a dresser drawer. He had long ago decided that he would deliver the letter in person. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't want to entrust someone else with something so obviously important to Tony and he certainly couldn't do anything as cold and impersonal as mailing it to her.
Secretary Heller's weekly staff meeting was in full swing. Jack sat near the Secretary, but his mind was 3000 miles away. He needed a couple of days off if he was going to take the letter to LA and he wasn't quite sure how to word his request to the Secretary. Heller knew that Jack and Audrey's romance had cooled but didn't know why. The meeting wound down and Jack lingered behind the other staff members.
"Jim," he said in a matter of fact tone. "I have to be in Denver next Tuesday and Wednesday, I have some vacation time coming and I wondered if it would be okay for me to take off Thursday and Friday. I'm pretty well caught up on everything."
"That sounds like a good idea, Jack. You've been putting in a lot of hours lately. Are you going out to LA to see Kim?"
"I thought I'd do that," Jack said, his eyes not meeting Heller's.
"Her baby is due soon, isn't it?"
"Yeah, in a few weeks," Jack said smiling at the thought of his first grandchild. He treated Chase's daughter like a granddaughter and she even called him "Grandpa" but he was excited that Kim and Chase were now having their own child.
"Enjoy the weekend. Tell Kim and Chase that I said 'hello'."
"I'll do that, sir. Thank you." As Jack left Heller's office, he noticed that Audrey was reading something that Jim's secretary had given her. Her location allowed her to hear his conversation with her father.
"Stopping in LA next week?" she asked.
"Yeah," Jack said quietly.
"That's nice. You'll get to see Kim before the baby's born. I bet she's getting big now."
"She seems to think she looks like a cow," Jack said with a slight laugh. "Her mother felt the same way. She's driving Chase crazy. I told him he'd just have to put up with it for another couple of weeks."
Audrey smiled a little and went back to what she was reading.
Jack returned to his office, took off his jacket and went back to work. The conversation with both Heller and Audrey bothered him. He hadn't exactly lied to either of them, but he hadn't told them the truth either. A phone call interrupted his thoughts and soon he had forgotten his concerns.
He worked into the evening. It was about 8:30 when Tom Stoner from the office next to Jack's leaned in his door. Stoner had on his coat and his briefcase was in his hand.
"Hey," Tom said, "it's time to go home."
"Just a couple more minutes," Jack said. "Have a good evening. I'll see you in the morning."
The office suite was quiet and mostly dark. All of the doors closed and lights off except for those in Jack's and Audrey's offices. Tom was right, it was time to go home and Jack started to pack up. He was about to lock up his office when Audrey walked slowly up to him.
"Audrey, you should pack up and go home. It's late."
"I guess I should. Your trip to LA next week," she started, "you're going to see Michelle, aren't you?"
"Thursday is the first anniversary of Tony's death. It's going to be a hard day for her. He asked me to deliver a letter that he wrote to her. So, I'm going to stop and see her."
"Why did you lie?"
"I didn't lie, Audrey," he said with a hint of irritation in his voice. He knew he hadn't really lied but some guilt crept into him anyway. "I'm going to see Kim, too. It just didn't seem important to explain to your father that Tony asked me to give Michelle this letter."
"Oh, it didn't seem important to mention to my father that you were going to LA to see a woman while you're dating his daughter."
"Oh, we're dating again? Thanks for letting me in on this. So, let me understand this. You can see Paul, but I can't see anyone." He shook his head. "Audrey, your father knows our relationship has changed. That was your choice, not mine."
Audrey looked away for a couple of seconds and finally looked back at Jack. "I've made a decision, Jack," she paused as if she needed to think about what she was going to say next. "I'm going back to Paul."
"Your are?" Jack said sounding a bit surprised. He didn't know why he should be surprised; he suspected that this was coming for a long time. "Congratulations, I'm happy for you both."
"We seem to have worked out our differences so we're going to give it another try. I'm sorry, Jack."
"Don't be. You need to do what's right for you." His tone was cool.
Audrey nodded silently again. "That leaves you free to further your relationship with Michelle," she said softly.
"What?" Jack asked incredulously. "Is that why you're doing this? Is that why you're going back to Paul? So I can pursue a relationship with Michelle. If that's your reason, Audrey, you better rethink it. Nothing is further from my mind."
Audrey wanted to cry but willed herself not to. "Oh, Jack, your love for her is so obvious. Why won't you admit it?"
"Audrey, I've told you before, Michelle and I are friends and yes, I love her, but I am not in love with her."
"No Jack, you're wrong. You are in love with her. Everyone but you and Michelle can see it. When Tony was dying everyone kept saying how much Michelle needed you and that they were happy that you were there for her."
"That's because I understand her. Audrey, let me tell you, there aren't many widowed people in our age group. Friends, whether they are married or single, don't understand how you feel when you've lost your spouse. People just said they were happy that I was there because they knew that I understood what Michelle was going through."
"No, Jack there's more to it than that. For God's sake, before he died Tony made you promise to take care of Michelle. He gave you his wife, Jack! Can't you see that?"
"Audrey, this is ludicrous. He didn't give her to me. He asked me to look after her. I can't even believe we're having this argument," he said as he locked his office door. "We had a good relationship, Audrey. I guess I should have known better than to get involved with a married woman. I honestly believed that you were on the verge of divorcing Paul. I thought we could have a life together. I wanted us to have a life together. Michelle and I are dear friends, but I can tell you in all honesty that I have never considered a romance with her."
Jack started to walk away and then turned back, his expression softening. "Good luck to you and Paul. You deserve to be happy, Audrey, and I hope he makes you happy."
Audrey watched Jack walk away. She pressed her hand against her lips to keep them from trembling. She watched as he pressed the elevator button and then impatiently took the stairs. When he was safely out of earshot, she let herself cry.
Jack arrived in LA the next Thursday afternoon. He picked up his rental car and drove the familiar route away from the airport and toward the city. Once on the highway, he took out his cell phone and called Michelle's office. Her secretary told him that she had taken the day off. He thanked her and hung up. He drove several miles and got off at the exit that would take him to Michelle's house. He doubted that she had gone anywhere. If she wasn't at work, she was probably at home. He pulled out his phone again and called her cell; she answered on the third ring.
"Hey," he said softly, "how are you holding up?"
"Jack," she exclaimed. "Thank you for calling. It's been a terrible day."
"I know," he said in an understanding voice. "I know. Are you planning anything special?"
"No, I'm pretty much just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself," she admitted.
"Well, I'm feeling pretty bad, too, so why don't we go out to dinner and make each other feel better."
"How can we go to dinner? Where are you?" Michelle asked him.
"Open your front door," he told her.
Michelle opened the door in time to see Jack pull his rental car into her driveway. She ran out to the car to meet him.
"Jack, you're so sweet!" she cried as she hugged and kissed him. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"I wanted it to be a surprise. I thought you might need some company today, so I came to visit."
"You've been so good to me. How can I ever thank you, Jack?"
"You can start by letting me take you out to dinner and if at some point you could actually give me one of your prettiest smiles, that would be all the thanks I need."
"Where's Audrey? Will she be joining us for dinner?"
Jack looked at the ground for a moment and shook his head.
"Jack, what's wrong? The last few times I've talked to you, you've hardly mentioned Audrey."
"Audrey's going back to her husband," Jack said. "But I really don't want to talk about it right now. I'd rather take you to dinner and think of something else to talk about."
They had dinner at Michelle's favorite restaurant and despite both of their dark moods; they found themselves having a good time. They returned to Michelle's house and she put on a pot of coffee.
"Thank you so much for tonight, Jack. I thought I'd just cry all day, but you saved me from myself. When does it end, Jack? When does it stop hurting?"
"Never," he told her honestly. "It gets easier, but it never really stops. Some days are worse than others: the anniversary, your wedding anniversary, his birthday. Teri's been gone almost seven years and I still dread her birthday," he stopped and shook his head.
"Other people don't understand it, do they?"
"No, that's part of what makes it so hard. Unless you can find someone like you, you're out there all alone. As much as I cared for both Audrey and Kate, neither of them really understood me."
"I'm glad we understand each other and I'm glad you came here today. I think tonight was good for both of us. When are you going back to D.C.?"
"Not until Sunday. Tomorrow I'm babysitting for Kim and Chase. Kim needs some time to put the finishing touches on the baby's room, so I said I'd take Angela for the day. I think we're going to the zoo. Then Kim and Chase are going out tomorrow night and staying in the city over night. Do you have plans?"
"It's Friday; I have to work. I'm not doing anything in the evening."
"Well, why don't you leave work at a decent hour and come over for dinner and help me with Angela."
"That sounds like fun," Michelle said smiling.
Jack looked at his watch and was surprised by how late it was. "In fact, I should be getting back to Kim's now," he stopped for a moment and reached into the inside pocket of his jacket where he had put the letter from Tony. He took a breath as he took it out. "Michelle, I have something here for you from Tony. He asked me to deliver it to you."
"How long have you had this?"
"He gave it to me the day he came home from the hospital. He asked me not to tell you that I had it. He wanted it delivered today."
Michelle's hand shook as she took the envelope from Jack. She looked at her name on the front in Tony's familiar handwriting.
Jack stood to leave. "I'm going to go and let you read it privately."
Michelle nodded. She was so shocked that she couldn't think of anything to say.
"Are you going to be okay, Michelle?" Jack asked her.
"I think," she replied numbly. She knew the letter was going to make her cry and she had cried in front of Jack too many times already. She wanted him to stay but thought that it would be better if he left. "I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what time I'm coming over to Kim's house."
"That's fine. I'll see you then. If you need to talk before then, just call me."
She hugged him and thanked him and saw him out. After he left, she leaned heavily on the door and stared at the letter in her hand. She slowly made her way to the kitchen to get a fresh cup of coffee as if something in the coffee would give her the strength to read the letter. She finally took the letter and the coffee into the family room and sat in Tony's favorite chair. She often sat there as if it made her somehow closer to him.
She carefully opened the letter and removed the paper inside.
My Darling,
The fact that you are reading this means that I left you a year ago today. I pray fervently that the worst is behind you and that the year has not been too difficult for you. I pray that you have moved on; that you have found a new love. I pray that he makes you happy and that your beautiful smile has returned to your face. I hope that you plan to have children together. You are such a special person. You were put on this earth to be something more important than a CIA agent. You were put here to be a wife and mother and to spread the love that you carry in your heart.
Unfortunately, I know you too well and I fear that none of that has happened. I suspect that you have buried yourself in your work; that you work an insane number of hours every day. I know you don't work those hours because you enjoy it; you are trying to avoid the quiet of the house and the emptiness of our bed.
Michelle, you have to stop. You have to move on. We simply weren't destined to spend twenty or thirty years together, but the years we had were beautiful. God has a higher purpose for us. You must believe that. He took me and left you behind for a reason. We don't necessarily understand the reason. I know, though, that He left you because He knew that I couldn't make it without you. I proved that while we were separated. You're strong, Michelle. You can do this. Know that I am with you every step of the way and draw strength from that.
So, fold this letter now and put it away. Get up tomorrow and rethink your future. It's no longer our future, Honey, it's your future. Give a dazzling smile to everyone you meet and let them know the old Michelle is back at last. Follow your heart, Michelle. It led you to me and it will lead you to a new love. He may be someone you haven't met yet or he could be someone you've known for years. It doesn't matter as long as you find each other and make a new life together.
I love you, my darling, and I will love you forever. Don't give up hope. We will meet again, but I pray that it will be many, many years in the future after you've lived a long and happy and fulfilling life.
Your adoring husband,
Tony
