Like a lot of people, I have my good days and my bad days. I was use to my bad days stretching out into bad months where I'd get a three week break and they'd come back. Very rarely I'd end up in the neutral zone where I was ok, not good and not bad. Where I was just content with everything going on. I think I liked that best, because the bad months made me want to die, I knew what was coming after the good weeks but the neutral suited me just fine. I remember after first boyfriend left me, I was in the bad stage for six months, only I had to put up the good front and once the bad stage had passed I went straight back to neutral and that was pretty much how I stayed for a long time. I was thinking about all this when I was watching a chick flick in my new apartment, I couldn't remember the name of it and why should I? They where all the same. Anyway, the main character has been dumped four minutes previously and now she was jumping around all happy. I was sitting on the couch scowling and thinking

'It doesn't happen like that!'

And then, out of nowhere I suddenly thought

'When was the last time I was that happy?'

So I turned off the television and thought for the longest time. It took me about forty minutes before I got it, it had been when I was with first boyfriend. When I was in that floaty in love stage. It depressed me when I realised how long ago it had been, but before I could head straight into bad stage, my phone rang.

"Hello."

"Kate, it's John."

I should of guessed, he had phoned the day before and promised to phone back, just to see how I was settling in. To be honest, I was glad to hear his voice, it was a very well timed phone call. If he was phoning me in meant I wasn't a complete loser with no friends, and gave me less time to dwell on all the and stuff I'd been thinking about.

"Oh, hi."

"How is everything? All unpacked?"

That was a stupid question, what few possessions I did have where still in boxes or suitcases and it would be a while before I could be bothered unpacking them.

"Yeah, all unpacked."

He didn't have to know I was a slob.

"Enjoying your days off?" I asked.

"Yeah. Listen, on Tuesday there's going to be night out between all the wrestlers and the crew. You know, sort of a Christmas night out? Will you come?"

After last time and the shame with the whiskey and losing my key? Hell no. Why did everyone I worked with need to know that I had a problem holding my drink? But if I said no then I'd get accused of being anti-social and John would shout.

"Sure. Why not?"

As long as I didn't drink, didn't say anything stupid or do anything stupid I'd be ok. But this was me, so the chances of this ending well where slim.

I couldn't do it. I know I said I would, but I just couldn't and I was desperately trying to avoid John so I wouldn't have to give him my lame 'I have a headache' excuse which I knew he wouldn't buy. So when I saw he was standing right besides me as I checked the tape in my camera I pretended I couldn't see him. It didn't work for too long because he nudged me hard in the side.

"Kate."

"Oh, hi."

"Yeah Hi. Look, I'll meet you outside later after the show ok?"

I bit my lip. "About that, John…"

He raised his hands to stop me. "What is the problem? I'm trying to be nice and you keep brushing me off. Why?"

Why indeed? Here was a perfectly nice, good looking man and I was doing everything in my power to stay away from him. What was with me? Well here's what's with me. I'm not pretty, or thin or funny. I'm a screw up, messed in the head. John had to have a ulterior motive. He really had to, but I couldn't figure out what it could be. I didn't have a best friend he could dump me for, so I was stuck for ideas.

"I'm not…"

He interrupted me again. "Whatever Kate. I'll speak to you later."

Then he left me alone and my bad mood crept up on me again.