A/N: I know this is a long time in being updated, but as what Kate is going through is based on me I tend to only write this when I'm upset (which obviously sucks for me) Anyway, I hope you can all tell that first boyfriend has a lot to do with how Kate feels now. If not I've just given some of the plot away. Oh well! Enjoy!-Kiera

One day after I'd been married to Toby for eighteen months, I woke up and thought 'I'm sick of waiting for everything to magically change. I'm sick of waiting to feel better and to finally move on'

Truth was I probably would have been alright a long time ago, but there had been some messiness. I had just married Toby when first boyfriend broke up with his ex and despite what he'd done to me he'd always been a nice person. We became friends and then one day he kissed me and everything began to fall apart again. I got confused, I wasn't sure what I wanted or if I had feelings for him. Eventually after a few weeks everything began to settle down again, we where friends, good friends and then he got back with his ex. Even now I can't explain it, but it felt like some huge blow to me, like somehow I'd lost all over again. Julian had a theory; Julian had lots of theories about the whole thing.

"You see when he left you it was a huge rejection and you where only just starting to get over it when they broke up."

I was nodding along earnestly, I wasn't sure if I believed him or not but I'd listen to anything.

"When he kissed you it was like a validation, for you anyway. If he kissed you then he mustn't think you're horrible and repulsive and even though you two where never going to get back together when he got back with her it was just another rejection to you. Just like he was dumping you all over again."

It made sense, after that I didn't talk to Julian about it anymore, I wallowed all alone by myself, I stopped eating, started drinking but no one noticed. Time moved on and if I say I forgot all about it, that would be a lie I just thought about it when I was on my own and then later I'd go sit with Toby, thankful that I wouldn't have to go through that heartbreak all over again.

For some reason I found myself thinking about this when I was sitting in the canteen after Christmas break was over, I was on the end of the table not eating my soup and looking around. I was looking for John though I wouldn't admit it to myself. When I saw him he was sitting with a huge group of wrestlers, all laughing, he looked at me for a few seconds then turned away. I didn't know what to say to him, what could I say? Did he want me to apologise for not wanting to look like an idiot? I don't know why he was taking it so personally, or why he was spending so much time with me. There where better people for him to take an interest in all around. I picked up my bowl and decided to go check the equipment, just to give myself something to do.

I was halfway down the hall, desperately trying to think of anything else besides John and first boyfriend when someone shouted my name. Sure enough it was John.

"Hi, how was your Christmas?" he asked

"Lonely." I replied honestly.

"That sucks." He stopped and looked around the hallway, for a crazy second I thought he might be nervous about something. "Look Kate, I'm sorry about what happened last time I saw you."

"It's ok."

Of course it wasn't ok, I was a woman damn it, I held grudges over the simplest things and considering I could be very sensitive I held a lot of grudges.

"It just that every time I try and get close to you, you pull away."

"I'm adjusting to this and being here, that's all."

He adjusted his cap. "No, see, the thing is Kate that I like you."

I could hear what felt like a thousand voices in my head take a collective gasp and scream' WHAT!'. But I just smiled nervously and tried to put a logical spin on it.

"I like you too John, we're friends."

"No, I like you more then a friend."

This time my heart stopped. "You can't."

"Why not?"

"Do you want a list?"

"A list of what?"

"Reasons that you can't like me more then a friend. I'm hardly diva material am I? I'm sarcastic, I get drunk too easily, and I say the wrong things all the time."

This was actually a condescended version, the list was well planned you see. There had been many occasions when I would recite it to Julian when he asked why I thought I couldn't get a boyfriend, that was before Toby. The real list ran I'm ugly, I'm fat, I tend to become emotional unstable when the break up happens, I'm not sophisticated, I get paranoid…actually it went on and on for awhile and I was still talking to John.

"Anyway it doesn't matter, you can't like me."

"Do you really think all those things you just said about yourself are true?" he asked

"I know they're true, I'm stuck in this body so I should know."

"Whatever, I would really like to take you out on a real date, if that's ok with you."

I was suddenly ripped in about five different directions. I wanted to go, but I was scared. He couldn't possibly think I was nice so he had to be after something else. Part of me didn't want to go, but I didn't want to upset him. I suddenly felt sick.

"I'll think about it." I told him

And I left as quickly as possible without actually running.